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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex

35 replies

Brightfuture2019 · 28/09/2019 21:31

He comes home drunk or intoxicated with whatever and asks for sex after waking me up at god knows what time. If I say no then I get shouted at, accused of cheating or the silent treatment. Is it ok to say no ? And it's more of a demand rather than an ask

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 28/09/2019 21:38

Not only is it OK to say no, its also OK to say 'we are over you sexually coersive piece of shit'.

He's an abusive wanker, leave.

TokyoSushi · 28/09/2019 21:39

Looks like you only needed one rey yo your question OP, exactly that ⬆️⬆️⬆️

YesSheCan · 28/09/2019 21:40

Of course it is ok to say no! I'm hoping that was a rhetorical question. Do you ever feel like having sex with him when he comes in wasted and wakes you up at god knows what hour? I mean, fair enough if you do. But if it were me I wouldn't find it much of a turn on to be woken by a partner who was wasted and demanding sex. And if you don't want sex, he should accept that. Shouting at you, accusing you of cheating and giving you the silent treatment because you've said no to sex are abusive behaviours to be honest. A partner is not supposed to treat you like this.

TokyoSushi · 28/09/2019 21:40

**reply to 🙄

NotTonightJosepheen · 28/09/2019 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YesSheCan · 28/09/2019 21:41

Yeah, cross post. What they said

katalavenete · 28/09/2019 21:41

This is abuse. He is abusing you.

It's always ok to say no. It should never be met with the responses you're getting.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Grannybags · 28/09/2019 21:42

Pinkbonbon said it all

Fishcakey · 28/09/2019 21:45

You are allowed to say no, of course you are. He's a twat when he is drunk. Not a reason for divorce though. You don't need to 'leave the bastard' if he is perfectly lovely the rest of the time. I hate drunk people. I make my OH stay in a hotel if he is going to get drunk.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 28/09/2019 21:49

When he's sober to you say anything to him about his behaviour when he's drunk/stoned? I couldn't be with a man who treated me this way.

Original poster
Brightfuture2019 · 28/09/2019 22:08

Yes I do tell him when he's sober, it changes for a couple of times and then he starts again. This is every night all weekend Fri, Sat, Sun. There no way i want to sleep with him in that state. It scares me now when he goes out what's gonna happen when he gets in.

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 28/09/2019 22:22

You need to tell him it stops or you're done. You should not be afraid of your husband/partner. Your home should be your safe space.

Fishcakey · 28/09/2019 22:24

Oh bloody hell, every weekend is not put-uppable with.

crappyday2018 · 28/09/2019 22:31

Please leave this man. This is no way to live.

YesSheCan · 28/09/2019 22:48

So he gets drunk and is abusive towards you, trying to coerce you into sex you don't want, three times a week every week, you've told him when he's sober and he has carried on doing it? You're scared of him? This is all wrong. Leave him. Yes, he should already know what he is doing is wrong, and not do it, but abusive people will carry on with their behaviour as long as they can get away with it. You deserve to feel safe and to be treated with respect.

Queenoftheashes · 28/09/2019 22:52

What a fucking tool

Anothernick · 28/09/2019 23:22

His behaviour is outrageous and unacceptable. Get rid,

YouJustDoYou · 28/09/2019 23:24

Op, he's seeing you as a hole to use. Would you sanction that if it were your own child coming to you asking for advice?

Nanny0gg · 29/09/2019 00:00

Is he a husband or a partner?

Whichever, you need to leave him.

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 29/09/2019 17:34

Leave this man. He's a freak.

TheArtfulScreamer1 · 29/09/2019 20:06

No it's not ok to say no you should absolutely have sex with him whenever he demands!!!! said no sane person ever.
Your partner is abusive and I couldn't think of anything less of a turn on than this kind of behaviour please prepare to exit this relationship it likely won't get better if anything it's far more likely to get worse.

Lozzerbmc · 30/09/2019 10:31

Pink bonbon is quite right! Dont you deserve to be treated better?

hellsbellsmelons · 30/09/2019 10:35

It scares me now when he goes out what's gonna happen when he gets in
WHY are you with this abusive alcoholic?
What do you get from the relationship?
How long have you been together?

OP - this is a total no-brainer!
RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

And call Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme - FAST!!!!

FuriousVexation · 30/09/2019 10:40

Dear god fishcakey so it's okay if he only rapes her say once a month, but once a week is too often? Jesus wept.

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/09/2019 10:46

OP, if you even need to ask the question 'is it all right to say no', then I think you should talk to someone IRL. Do you have friends/family you could confide in? Because I am worried that your view of healthy relationships may be slightly askew.

If you don't want sex, it's ALWAYS all right to say no. Nobody has the right to have sex with an unwilling partner.

Please talk to someone.

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