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Original poster

Should I give her money?

59 replies

crocsjoc · 12/08/2007 16:12

Much as I would like to give my dd some of the money I am expecting in compensation for an accident, I am very much afraid that she will just squander it. She has very little idea of 'looking after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves" and any suggestions as to keeping accounts so she knows where the money goes are met with scorn and cries of "you're just sooo patronising".
What should I do?

OP posts:
Speccy · 12/08/2007 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LIZS · 12/08/2007 16:14

If you are going to be disappointed as to how she chooses to spend it , no.

BraceYourselfMavis · 12/08/2007 16:14

Only give her some if you don't care what she does with it.

BraceYourselfMavis · 12/08/2007 16:15

Sorry, x-post.
I reworded several times before clicking to post.

peanutbear · 12/08/2007 16:17

can you not buy her something you know she needs or offer to pay off a bill direcly for her

themoon66 · 12/08/2007 16:19

How old is she? She sounds like my DD, who is 20.

Original poster
crocsjoc · 12/08/2007 16:21

She is 25 with a husband and baby. They are way in debt (some of the debt is dh's from before they were married) and I paid off one credit card debt for them which they are paying back. I also paid their household insurance for them because they were so worried at the time of the floods. It just does seem such a bottomless pit

OP posts:
themoon66 · 12/08/2007 16:24

Oh dear. It is a bottomless pit feeling isn't it. We are currently trying to keep DD out of court over her non-payment of a grand on her credit card she obtained by lying on the forms

I'm determined she will pay it off, even if only £10 a month. I feel that bailing her out every time will achieve nothing in the long run.

Original poster
crocsjoc · 12/08/2007 16:31

She said she had saved money in an account when she got her flat two years ago but in fact she had borrowed a grand from the father of an ex boyfriend. She was in such a state at the time, she even stole money from her employer to buy drugs and got sacked from her job. How could we expect her to pay us back? So we paid for the wedding and now they are even further in debt. It is the bottomless pit feeling, but I feel so mean not giving her any. She makes me feel mean too.

OP posts:
LazyLineLegilimens · 12/08/2007 16:34

I think you need to take a step back. Keep the money. It will not help her sort her money sense out if you keep giving her money. Of course, you want to help, but her emotional blackmail is terrible.

Sobernow · 12/08/2007 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

themoon66 · 12/08/2007 16:37

If drugs are an issue for her, then giving her any money will just make the problem worse. If she doesn't know about the money, you can keep quiet and she won't be any the wiser. Maybe help her out a few years down the line, if she shows signs of sorting herself out a bit.

crokky · 12/08/2007 16:43

I would not give any actual cash, but I think paying things like house insurance for her is quite a good idea. Perhaps you can help her with something she needs for her child or help her with unexpected bills (eg washing machine/car going on blink). You could set aside the money you wish to give to her so that if it becomes appropriate in the future you could then give it.

Original poster
crocsjoc · 12/08/2007 16:45

Oh, she does know about the money, to the penny, she was with me when the accident happened and, to be honest, she was brilliant in helping me afterwards, even when she was eight months pregnant. I think that's why I feel so mean about it.
But remarks from her dh like "Do you not think you OWE it to her to pay her for the help she gave you" made me rethink.
I don't think drugs are an issue for her at the moment, in a way that would make it easier to say no, iyswim

OP posts:
Original poster
crocsjoc · 12/08/2007 16:46

Crokky, yes, I do think that is probably the best idea.

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Sobernow · 12/08/2007 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BandofMothers · 12/08/2007 17:58

what about settin gup a bank acc for the baby/child???
That way she can't get it and one day it will be something for the lo. Who will probably not have much if they are in this much debt now and getting deeper.

No offence meant there, but once you get in it is hard to get out. He needs to back off. If you do this acc for lo then you be the custodian of it, and make it one she/he can't have til they are at least 21.

BandofMothers · 12/08/2007 18:02

and btw I would deffo help my mum after an accident, and would certainly not expect anything for it.

Tho lunch out to a fancy restaurant might be nice and maybe a thank you pressie.

Peachy · 12/08/2007 18:04

I wudn't penalise her for her Dh being a prat, tbh

I wouldn't give her mney either, but a nice thank you gift (something fro the house, or maybe even a day out with treats for her and you and the grandchild all together

Childs savinngs account also a good idea, maybe combine the two so she deosn't feel left out iyswim (or judged) but can't blow it either

Carmenere · 12/08/2007 18:08

How much is it? If it is a couple of hundred, then I think a fancy dinner out is enough. If it is a couple of grand then I think a fancy dinner and a couple of hundred in your dgc's CTF account is enough. If it is 10/20 grand then a substantial gift of something sensible like insurance is very kind. Just don't give her cash to squander.

Original poster
crocsjoc · 12/08/2007 20:24

What a lovely lot of ideas. It is between 10 and 20 grand, so quite substantial.
The trouble with an account for the baby is that, if she had had that when she was 18 it would all have been squandered in an instant. But it is something to think about.
A nice day out is also a wonderful idea, maybe dh would like to look after the baby for the day, what do you think?

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e2moo · 12/08/2007 20:32

How about putting a portion in to Premium Bonds and any prizes from it you can promise to hand them over to her? This would mean that you still have the money in your name and therefore control but your DD gets the prize monies and the chance she wins a biggy!

You can get at the money instantly if you need to. I have some and have won quite a few 50 pounds every now and again.

Just an idea...

fawkeoff · 12/08/2007 20:36

why dont u spread the money out what u where going to give her

put a bit away for the baby

u and her have a spa day{or something like that}

or you coild pay for them to go away for the weekend together and give them a bit of spends

Peachy · 12/08/2007 20:41

I think ds's account is tied up past 18 UURC (must check)

I would work out how much i'd givre them and divide it by three- 1/3 for a really special day out (spa day sounds fabulous); 1/3 something for the baby- savings, premium bonds, etc. 1/3 take her out in December and help her with her Christmas shopping- Christmas is such a strain, especially for those who are financially a bit strained.

Original poster
crocsjoc · 13/08/2007 09:03

Thanks once again for all your advice. I slept on it and this morning:-

  1. she texted me and asked if she could have £30 for a sunshade for the buggy - they are going away for the week for a job interview for dh and to a funeral in Plymouth but hope to get to the beach, so I've said yes to that and
  2. I've decided that we will have a day out together and that she can have a nice haircut and a couple of bras and whatever else she would like. I'd already promised a new pair of trainers so this is just an extension of it. No doubt there will be other opportunities to help without actually giving the money. This has been a very useful exercise for me and once again I thank you all very much
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