Friend's partner secretly messaging me

[Waitinginthewings]

I've got a friend who lives 3 hours away- we met through a sport we do. She's a really lovely person and a good friend.
Shes got a baby and a long-term partner (who she lives with). I hardly know him. Met him quite a few times but we've always all been busy doing our sport so not really ever spoken. Always seemed nice enough.
Few weeks ago he started messaging me after we'd all had a weekend together. Initially was appropriate...he was passing on someone's contact details he had been given (I'm the club secretary). Then it got chattier....seemed ok but unusual for him...before this he had never text me. Messaged nightly for a few days...i responded as I would to a friend. Then it got inappropriate...he told me several times that he was all alone if I wanted to chat/ partner had gone to bed. When I didn't respond...he asked why I wasnt responding and that he wasnt coming on to me. I would have said something to my friend but her dad died so I decided not to say anything for a bit...i stopped opening his messages. Just opened them now...last one asks me to please not tell my friend that hes been messaging. I know I need to tell her but how? I'd rather tell her in person but hard coz we live so far away and usually only meet up for our sport. We both have very busy lives- would struggle to find time to meet up apart. What do I do?! There isn't an innocent explanation, us there? How can I be a good friend in this? I wish I didn't have to see him again... What would you tell her? Why do men do this?! :-(.

Yes tell her when you next see her. Or arrange to see her so you can show her.

He will soon move on and try this with someone else (if not already) and you could give her the heads up to catch him out.

What a prick!

Why were you messaging nightly for a few days?

Yeah, that friendship is over.

Yes why the nightly messaging back and forth? Surely you knew where it was leading?

When I say messaging nightly I mean he initiated a conversation on maybe 3 nights...we exchanged a few messages about day to day stuff (I.e. Him- how was your day? Me- not too bad. Very busy) . I didn't feel I was doing wrong. Was I wrong to message at all?

And I wouldn't tell the friend but before you block partner tell him you will tell your friend if he is inappropriate again in any way. Then block

Not sure why pp's are blaming you OP - from what you've said, you didn't invite this.

Definitely tell her. Keep the messages so she can see them if she wants to.
I would probably call her for a chat and try and tell her over the phone (as long as he's not there with her). You can send her screenshots if she requests them.

Obviously it would be better to be face to face but that doesn't seem like an option and if you wait, I'm willing to bet he'll either get a twisted version in first or you'll lose your nerve.

I was worried that he might be hoping things would turn into more than a friendship but honestly thought that wasnt the case. I know how naive I sound but I honestly never thought he would do that to my friend (yep realise how stupid I sound given I barely know him.) I feel awful.

I would screenshot the messages and send to your friend. Let her decide.

I would disagree with pp too - don't send anything to her partner which lets him know how annoyed you are.

You weren't wrong to message him, especially if he was initially just passing on contact info. I've had brief text conversations with friends partners for similar reasons and I definitely wasn't doing anything wrong to respond / ask how they are etc.

The blame for all of this is on HIM and his stupid choice to attempt to initiate something with a friend of his partner with no invitation at all.

Most likely outcome of telling, as it's just messages, is that they stay together and cut you out.

Doesn't mean you shouldn't tell tho.

I wouldn't bother, just block him.

Shes going to wonder what's going on because we have literally never chatted on the phone. We usually see other every 4-6 weeks and WhatsApp, text in between. Hes normally always there when we meet up (and it's always for a whole weekend).

I think you'll probably get shot as the messenger.

Take screenshots so you have those saved. Don't reply to him again at all. Leave it till you see your friend next and talk to her about it then. It does put the friendship under strain but she should know.

I would have to tell her. If it comes out later, which it might, you’ll look guilty as hell if you didn’t.
I do find it weird you barely know the guy but you engaged in messaging back and forth for several nights, and didn’t outright shut him down when he started pushing boundaries. I can’t say I’ve exchanged more than a handful of messages with my best friends husband over 9 years, and we’re very close. Did it not set off some alarm in your head that a man you are not close to suddenly started messaging asking how your day was? I’m not blaming you, altho it probably sounds like I am, I’m just trying to understand the dynamic. You absolutely shouldn’t be feeling awful, you’re not responsible for him being an absolute toad.

You are right. It should have set off alarm bells. I cant really explain why I exchanged messages with him. I was going through probably the most stressful week in my career..I was pretty distracted...thought maybe he was just attempting to be a friend.
Wish I could contact her when hes not around but hes always around. He works from home.

Sorry but you have to tell her just in-case he gets worried and shows her your txt`s to him.
You are going to be questioned by her as to why you replied to his messages and said nothing straight away.
Think hard and get your story right.

Don’t respond to him and forget it.

It’s not like it’s someone you see daily

I'd stop replying to his future messages and tell your friend. Be prepared to show your her the messages too incase she wants to see them

I dont feel worried about getting my story straight. My story is the truth. There is nothing in my messages that could possibly be construed as suggestive or inappropriate. I never initiated anything. I would not dream of doing something to hurt my friend.. if I've said something that I shouldn't have, all I can do is apologise.

My advice would be not to tell her. If her partner texts you again, tell him to stop messaging and if necessary, block him. If he is a smooth talker then he will persuade your friend it was all 'innocent' banter and you are stirring the pot. It sounds like your friend is going through a difficult time anyway and she may blame you for this extra layer of stress, sadly. If you tell her then you risk your friendship. If you tell her then you also risk your sport interest. It would be awkward to go to events that she attends in the future, especially if she is angry with you. If her partner is trying to hit on you, then he will go for other women too to massage his ego. He will get caught at some stage. You have done nothing wrong.

I don’t think you should go into it feeling like you might need to apologise, like you say, you did absolutely nothing wrong. You’re trying to help her by telling her after all.

I haven't responded to his last 6-7 messages. X