Friend's partner secretly messaging me

[Waitinginthewings]

I've got a friend who lives 3 hours away- we met through a sport we do. She's a really lovely person and a good friend.
Shes got a baby and a long-term partner (who she lives with). I hardly know him. Met him quite a few times but we've always all been busy doing our sport so not really ever spoken. Always seemed nice enough.
Few weeks ago he started messaging me after we'd all had a weekend together. Initially was appropriate...he was passing on someone's contact details he had been given (I'm the club secretary). Then it got chattier....seemed ok but unusual for him...before this he had never text me. Messaged nightly for a few days...i responded as I would to a friend. Then it got inappropriate...he told me several times that he was all alone if I wanted to chat/ partner had gone to bed. When I didn't respond...he asked why I wasnt responding and that he wasnt coming on to me. I would have said something to my friend but her dad died so I decided not to say anything for a bit...i stopped opening his messages. Just opened them now...last one asks me to please not tell my friend that hes been messaging. I know I need to tell her but how? I'd rather tell her in person but hard coz we live so far away and usually only meet up for our sport. We both have very busy lives- would struggle to find time to meet up apart. What do I do?! There isn't an innocent explanation, us there? How can I be a good friend in this? I wish I didn't have to see him again... What would you tell her? Why do men do this?! :-(.

Message her and ask if you can ring her OP. Then tell her on the phone and just say you’ve taken screenshots to send to her and she can make her own mind up about it.

Tell her. You're doing her a massive favour.
I can guarantee you won't be the only woman.
I can't imagine how or why you could justify not being a friend and doing the right thing.

Same thing happened to me. However it was a guy I'd been seeing years before kept messaging to meet up. Did a bit of stalking and found he had a long term partner and new baby.
Messaged her with all the screen shots. She was incredibly grateful and I got the impression she wasn't surprised.
He then started to message me saying I'd broken up their family so I sent her those messages as well.
She even begged me to tell her if he ever messaged me again.

I felt crap at the time but now a year on I realise it wasn't my issue and it's best to be honest. You'll feel worse if you don't.
He'll won't stop at you

Tell her and the reason why I say this is for a few reasons

A) she deserves to know
B) the fact he finds it so easy to text her friend trying to start an affair, tells me he's cheated before. Because he has absolutely no respect or worry that she'll find out
C) he'll find someone else to cheat with, and then when that blows up. She'll be upset and confide in you. And how will you feel knowing what he was like.

I can guarantee you won't be the only woman.

This. He'll still be doing it if you don't tell her, but then your friend will still be being cheated on and deceived.

Don’t tell her.

Download and save them, though, in case it comes back in you.

Personally I wouldn't tell her. Because nothing physical happened (or even nearly happened) it's highly unlikely they'll split up over it. So you will spoil the friendship (as she'll find it hard to avoid blaming you a tiny bit) for no reason.

This is a really tricky one and I’ve been in a similar position. In my case it was the long term DH of a very good friend. Everytime we got together and she was out of sight he’d try coming in for a kiss. It was incredibly awkward and it put me in a very difficult position as she has a small child and I’m godmother. We’ve been close for many many years. I agonised over this for a long time but I decided to keep quiet as I felt why should I lose my dear friend because he can’t keep it in his pants. I’m afraid in this situation it’s always the whistle blower who gets punished. It just is. There’s no way they are going to split up over inappropriate texts/behaviour. It can always be explained away or they start crying and apologising and never do it again and they get forgiven/one more chance and you dear friend are out. I put things in place to mitigate. Never being alone. No overnights. Only seeing her without him around as much as possible. I wouldn’t tell if I was you but block him and never speak to him again.

I was also going to say screen shot the messages. Tell her what happened and that it seems as though something you thought was merely friendly went very weird. Then it’s up to her if she want to stay friends.

Of course she messaged him back. He's her friend's partner and he initially kept the messages plausibly deniable. Never understand the force that is female socialisation. Even as she felt uncomfortable, she would feel that she had to respond to be "polite" - and you can see from his demanding messages when she stopped responding that he expected, required a response.

Until these guys drop the butter wouldn't melt act, it can be very difficult to block them, lest you get painted as rude and unfriendly.

This is his fault, not hers.

OP, tell her, you may lose the friendship, but that's lost anyway of you don't tell.

Firstly, send him a message saying "sorry, but this doesn't feel to me like an appropriate conversation" to make your position 100% clear.

Secondly I'd be subtle.. find a way quickly to mention casually to friend that her partner must be a really social sort of chap as he messages you directly outside of the group chat which really surprised you as no other friends partners do that...

If the friend is surprised and digs for info, provide the screenshots and let him take his medicine. It may cause hell, but you're an innocent party. If she says 'yes, he's like that' then just block him.

Shows you have nothing hide.
Shows you find it odd and not normal.
Shows you raised it with her proactively.

In my first marriage my Hs best friend used to call round when my H was on a different shift to him. It was all just chit chat. One day he phoned me up from a phone box (this was the 80s) to tell me he loved me!! To be honest I just told him not to be stupid and laughed it off. He then started hanging around outside my work in his car. I eventually got rid. To this day and even after divorce I never told my Ex H. They are still good friends. It’s a very awkward situation OP. Nothing happened he was just very inappropriate. I would say nothing but be there for her because chances are she may well get hurt. If you tell her I think she will think you were encouraging him

I think PicsinRed is right. Before he sent me the message telling me not to message I could have messaged saying hes such a chatty person or something similar. Now hes told me not to tell her, it's a bit more serious if yswim.

I would message the friend:
"This is awkward, I value our friendship and hope that this doesn't come between us. However your husband has been messaging me for a few weeks, at first I thought he was a chatty social person but he is now making me uncomfortable. I will send screenshots if you want to see them. I truly enjoy spending time with you and am hoping you feel the same."

Maybe make the point you didn’t think too much of it until he told you not to tell her. Up til then you stupidly assumed she knew. But when he said that, you realised what was going on and you are now telling her.