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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure what to think about Husband

39 replies

Starcat25 · 27/09/2019 10:30

This morning my teenage son was taking a while to get ready for school my daughter and husband were waiting in the car. They go to different schools.

My son went out today say he was just getting his coat when he wen5 back out my husband had driven off and left him not even said goodbye.

My son came in upset and had to start the walk to school with some awkward to carry school stuff.

Husband came home after in the defensive saying* he should have been ready we had a huge argument as I said how horrible he was to do that.

I was upset for my son, what do you think? Is it just mean I was so upset though he did that husband said he was trying to teach him a lesson.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 27/09/2019 10:35

It depends.
Is this a constant thing? Fucking around, faffing about when other people are waiting for them and making them wait. You say he was already taking ages, the others were waiting in the car and then he came out to tell them he STILL wasnt completely ready. Ugh, Id have been so cross.
My kids can be faffers. My eldest doesnt even start getting ready until im losing my shit. Ive now started saying if youre ready to go properly then ill drive you, but im not waiting around. And I mean it and i do it.
Hopefully your son will have his shit together and be ready to leave on time in future if he wants a lift

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 27/09/2019 10:38

How old is your son? Was he told if he is not ready by x time then we are going without you or similar then it’s fine.

Original poster

Starcat25 · 27/09/2019 10:44

He’s 13 he does take a while to get ready he was just really upset that they’d gone, DH didn’t give him a warning he was going to do that so when he came back in he was really upset and surprised.

I think I was just upset seeing him get so upset I normally take them both but it’s my day off today. Just feel Husband was being really horrible and mean, DH doesn’t seem to ever to say sorry or get it.

OP posts:

Fatshedra · 27/09/2019 10:44

Maybe he'll be more organised on Monday

WhoKnewBeefStew · 27/09/2019 10:46

It's a harsh message, but a message all the same. I don't think your dh is wrk f by any stretch, especially if your ds has form for this. Maybe he'll be on time on Monday. Actions and consequences and all that.

Original poster

Starcat25 · 27/09/2019 10:47

Tbh this is just the icing on the cake he can be really horrible sometimes he called me frigid a few years back too whichever I’ve never forgotten.

OP posts:

AmIThough · 27/09/2019 10:49

He can be really horrible sometimes because he called you frigid years ago?

Maybe he's fed up of pandering to all the sensitivity in your home.

If you live close enough for your son to walk, I don't see the issue.

Original poster

Starcat25 · 27/09/2019 10:50

Yes just think it’s a hardline approach he’s very authoritative

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 27/09/2019 10:51

Parenting is hard and what he did sounds harsh especially since no warning was given. The problem is that you cannot control your partners reaction to the situation and this is what I found difficult when I was married. I would have felt the same way as you OP.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 27/09/2019 10:52

Your DH was a dick to drive off but your son needs to shift his arse.

Why on earth would he go out to tell his father he was just getting his coat then go back inside, instead of just picking the coat up and leaving the house?

I have to drop 2 kids of in separate places and get to work. My DD is like your son. I will be ready with an impatient toddler, keys in door and she will decide she needs the bloody toilet or different socks etc etc.

Whattodoabout · 27/09/2019 10:53

I have driven off without my husband before because I cba waiting for him faffing about. I only went around the corner for a bit then came back for him but I did it to make a point. I hate the way he faffs around and makes us all wait in the car for him, it infuriates me.

I can understand your DH for that reason alone but obviously your DS is only 13 and needed to get to school so a bit harsh.

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2019 11:00

I think if your son fucks about in the morning and keeps them waiting and he can walk to school your husbands behavuour was ok. Your son is 13 and he needs to learn.

As for the other stuff, and the frigid, that's separate and you need to deal with your relationship issues separately to thr parent child relationship.

One things for sure, molly coddling your son does him no favours.

PorterBella · 27/09/2019 11:03

I think to drive off and leave him without a word is spiteful,
some people/kids aren't as organised as others.

I'd encourage your son to prepare his things ready for school the evening before, op. Not just because of how his dd treated him but because a habit of preparing early will make your son's life easier in other situations too.
Poor lad.

highinthesky · 27/09/2019 11:03

Mollycoddling does no favours, but setting a few boundaries does. I assume DS is not clairvoyant so had no idea what DH's cumming plan was.

Even our 4 yo knows that if I give her a deadline she needs to meet it. She can mess around to her heart's content until then.

highinthesky · 27/09/2019 11:04

Cunning plan

Cumming lol

Original poster

Starcat25 · 27/09/2019 11:04

Yes it was the driving off and as I say time to time he just feels so hard hearted. He does work hard but honestly he can be an asshole to live with it shouldn’t be this hard should it? Just not enjoying this marriage much and things like this just top it off

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2019 11:06

Op, did he know when he needed to be ready by? And that they were waiting for him?

upups · 27/09/2019 11:10

I agree that it's a little harsh but possible needed, your son is 13 and does need to start learning to get organised and take some responsibility for himself. I do feel like deep down though this isn't really your main issue. It seems more like you are trying to find faults in your husband as you don't seem like you are happy in the relationship any longer. Is it just his lack of empathy or harshness that is bother you? Or is there more to the story?

Original poster

Starcat25 · 27/09/2019 11:13

He thought they were waiting for him I don’t think he ever expected them to go, he wasn’t late it was the usual time husband said he’s been getting fed up with the way he speaks to him too so I think it was his way of showing he was pissed off with him, it just seems really childish

OP posts:

LauraMipsum · 27/09/2019 11:13

In isolation, if your son is a chronic faffer, then no it's not that bad. But it doesn't sound like it's in isolation, it sounds like one of a sequence of events.

Original poster

Starcat25 · 27/09/2019 11:16

I think there has been a build up tbh of various things these are some examples but I wanted to see whether this was ok or not, to me it wasn’t dh loves to argue with him too and honestly DH will never be in the wrong or apologise for anything

OP posts:

loveyoutothemoon · 27/09/2019 11:17

How far is his school? Maybe he needs to be responsible for getting himself to school. I have a faffer too, even after several warnings to be ready it drives me nuts. I wouldn't hesitate to drive off, can't be doing with persistent ignoring of requests!

loveyoutothemoon · 27/09/2019 11:19

In that case, if he wasn't late he shouldn't have driven off. Your DH needs to speak to him in a grown up manner about him being rude to him.

AmIThough · 27/09/2019 11:19

OP are you saying DS also spoke to DH like shit, too?
If his relying on his dad for a favour, he should be respectful.

You're clearly not happy with DH but that's very separate to his parenting faults.

LemonTT · 27/09/2019 11:20

You have a few issues and only one is clear cut. Your son’s behaviour was inconsiderate, selfish and rude. That has to be dealt with. Kindly you need to make that clear to him as his parent.
I suggest he is told what time he needs to be in the car if he wants a lift otherwise he can walk. Frankly if they can walk they should walk but that’s another issue.

After that, normally, as parents you should agree that you son was at fault. Yes, talk about the need for warnings before sanction but that isn’t always necessary.

That you aren’t doing this suggests more fundamental issues. I don’t know what these are but you seem to want to use this incident against your husband because of historic resentment. You could also just be, IMO, incredibly defensive of your son. He was disrespectful to his sister as well as your husband. I have no idea what these dynamics are or how they play out.

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