Not sure what to think about Husband

[Starcat25]

This morning my teenage son was taking a while to get ready for school my daughter and husband were waiting in the car. They go to different schools.

My son went out today say he was just getting his coat when he wen5 back out my husband had driven off and left him not even said goodbye.

My son came in upset and had to start the walk to school with some awkward to carry school stuff.

Husband came home after in the defensive saying* he should have been ready we had a huge argument as I said how horrible he was to do that.

I was upset for my son, what do you think? Is it just mean I was so upset though he did that husband said he was trying to teach him a lesson.

Sometimes they have to learn a lesson. My partner's son takes forever to get out of bed and get ready, and last week he was late leaving for the bus, then came back in saying it hadn't turned up so we'd have to take him. Bollocks, he'd just left too late and missed it.

I was getting up to take him - it's an hour round trip - but then my partner said no, this can't carry on (it's the first time in college, but they've only been there two weeks, it happened all the time at school), and told him to get the public bus. It made him 20 minutes late for his first lesson.. but my partner said to him if your bus didn't turn up you won't get in trouble.. and he had nothing to say to that without admitting he was lying haha.

He's been up and ready nice and early since that, even earlier than us sometimes. So it did work.

BUT having said that, he has a bus pass, and there are plenty of other buses, so we knew he could still get there easily. If your son had things that were difficult to carry etc, I'm not sure I'd have chosen today to teach him the lesson..

Without a warning it's unreasonable, but if he gives a warning that he will leave at a specific time, with or without DS in the car, then it would be OK.

School schedule is the same every day, DS should know that he has to leave on time and that everyone else has a schedule too.

Your sons behaviour was very selfish and rude and you don't seem to think anything of it, instead focusing your anger in how your DH dealt with it. Your son said he never thought they would leave which means he thought he could faff about for eternity and there would be zero consequences. I have driven off on my DH before because he just messes around meaning everyone is late with zero consideration. His mother panders to his every whim which is where the behaviour starts. My DS would never let people sit in the car waiting on him and he is only 8. If your son can walk then I would say he can walk for the next week and then maybe he might have some consideration for others. He actually went out to the car to start talking about a coat and then went back in, so knew everyone was waiting. What is he so upset about by the way? That suggests he was shocked that someone would actually say no to him. all your messages seem to be focusing on your DH not being nice etc. but the fact that you see nothing wrong with your sons behaviour speaks volumes and i wonder if your DH is simply fed up.

Thank you I am starting to see the wood from the trees here! Maybe I need to make sure ds has everything ready the night before and remind him and he should be walking more. It’s hard with the DH though I must admit but that’s a separate issue of my own to deal with. Couldn’t work out if I was just married to an asshole or if it was justified

I don’t like the battles to be honest as well as it’s too stressful and prefer to communicate in a different way than DH does just wondering ds is starting that way too arguing back but again that’s a different matter too I just don’t want him picking up my husbands ways

This is difficult,as you're clearly blaming your husband, but for example you say your husband loves to argue with your son. But it takes two to argue.

As said you need to separate out your marriage problems from the parent child relationship and try not to use one as leverage to have a go over the other,

Your son is 13. There is no reason he can't be ready in time.nor should you have to remind him the night before. And if it's walkable, he can walk.

Having a mother who always molly coddles him and makes him blameless honestly will just kill your marriage and ensure your son grows up to be irresponsible.

Your DS needs to get a bloody grip and get organised in the morning, your DD manages to do it so why can't your Son? what excuses are you going to make for your DS when he needs to get to work on time ?

Im with your DH on this issue.

Whatever you do, please both be consistent in your parenting with DS.

I think it depends on how this fits in the rest of the family dynamics. Teens dawdle and it's v frustrating but two things stand out to me from your post.

1The sudden nature and relatively harsh nature of the punishment which sound like it was anger - led. 2. The fact that you feel you ( not your h) will have to act to help your son not repeat this..does Dad only do punishment, while behaviour, resolution and support is up to you.

If this is a one off incident in a generally balanced father son relationship then talk to them both about how they can get out together as a team.

If its one example of a family walking on eggshells around a frequently angry person then you should post again with a fuller picture for support.

My son went out today say he was just getting his coat when he wen5 back out my husband had driven off and left him not even said goodbye.

So he went out to say he was just getting his coat on, and went back in again to get the coat and then put it on and then went back out again?

Could he not just have grabbed the coat, and put it on in the car?

I think the issue is this is part of a bigger picture if nastiness. You know yourself it wasn't to teach your son anything, it was just to be cruel for the sake of being cruel. Anyone who would call you frigid shouldn't be someone you continue to associate with. He is a nasty man and if you don't want your son to turn out like him, show him it isn't acceptable by leaving him.

You talk about him being an aggressive person. It isn't aggression, its abuse. To quote roughly Lundy from 'why does he do that!' - he is not abusive because he us angry, he is angry because he us abusive

If your son is always faffing about getting ready each morning then it was deserved. He should respect his parents' time. Hopefully he won't be doing that again in a hurry or he will be left again. Did the same to my then 13 year old son resulting in him arriving at school late and getting detention. He didn't repeat it again.

It sounds like you probably are married to an arsehole OP. But many of us are, people can be arseholes at times and sometimes it's those closest to us that get it in the neck.

I think your DH was a bit of a nob in this situation but as you've hinted, there is more to this than just how he was with your son this morning.
It sounds like your marriage has gotten to the stage where you really need to have it out with one another, have some counselling or if you are able, communicate the issues between yourselves at home. This level of animosity and bitterness won't just disappear without effort. Time to acknowledge it to each other (I mean holding onto something he said a few years ago is just crazy and it needs to be addressed and put to bed) and your issues and to look to the future, it doesn't sound like you've got too much time to save this marriage so start to work on it if you think it's worth saving.

Sorry just realised you said 'authortative' not aggressive. But he's still a dick xD

Read up on narcissistic personality disorder as it sounds like it might be relevant.