All the shit things I’ve done. Feel like a terrible person who doesn’t deserve anything good

[Userlostmyway]

I’ve done some shit things and only just recently realising it properly.

I’ve been flaky with friends years back who no longer speak to me because I cancelled so many times

At uni I was friends with a girl and started seeing a guy in secret. Months later she confessed she liked him and instead of telling her the truth I tried to put her off him and carried on seeing him. She found out and we managed to sustain a friendship but it was never the same and fizzled out

I fell out with my first ever boss and left on bad terms. Saw him in a cafe a while back and he blanked me

A friend’s wedding years ago I didn’t get a present. I don’t even know why...I was mid exams and totally stressed out and all but broke, yet I should have realised that was important and I didn’t

I pushed lots of men away and messed them around a bit when dating because I wasn’t sure. Two of them blocked me because of it.

In rental accommodation house share many years ago I upped and left when the tenancy ended, taking my stuff and barely doing any of the cleaning

In my 20s i dated someone and after three months discovers they were married. He gave me the script and I knew it was bullshit but I carried on for a while afterwards. I hate myself for this.

I basically feel like I’ve fucked up many times over. I feel like such a shit person. I’ve tried to be better over the years and I hope I wouldn’t do any of those things now. But I still think about them. I don’t know why im posting really. Has anyone else done similar awful things and put it to rest?

Yes I'm always cocking up lol, took until my 40s to be told the full extent of my health problems, such as autistic traits etc etc which explain some of it.

Every time I mess up I'm beating myself p- but there's no alternative but to forgive yourself and get back on the horse and give things another try.

Might it help you forgive yourself if you apologised to some of the people/somehow made amends?

IDK if you experience the flip side of the coin, which is rejection by individuals and groups- sometimes 'unfairly' and sometimes as a result of my cock ups.

I get EMDR therapy for the pain of past experiences, primarily of rejection but also a couple of assaults etc. I would recommend EMDR to help get over thee past.

It might help you to consider perhaps you have autistic traits (find social inteactions difficult) or ADHD traits. Discovering this has made a big difference in forgiving myself- I don't start on a levelplaying field to everyone else and I can only chalk it up to experience and try again- it's not 100% my fault it's how I was born. I've had problems with social interactions for as long as I can remember.

I also have personality disorder traits...

You may find it helpfl to have an assessment by a professional to help you understand what's going on, and com to terms with yourself.

Of course this is just my experience- it might not apply to you at all! Either way, hugs and best wishes. Dust yourself down, forgive yourself, and get back on that horse. xxxxx

Sorry about all the typos lol.

Thanks for your kind post

There was definitely some stuff going on from childhood that made me very insecure and anxious growing up. I can see that now and that helps me make better decisions.

I have gone back and apologised to some of the people. Others as I said had blocked me, including friends from a long time ago. One in particular that I messaged, she replied and said she’d consider meeting up and then blocked me. So I left it.

I just feel like I’ve done some horrible things and really wish I had been a better person. I could have so many more people in my life now had I made better decisions when I was younger

None of those sound that bad to be honest. We can all be a bit selfish or flaky in our late teens/early twenties, or can miss red flags in relationships. Then we grow up a bit.

You sound very down on yourself which can be a sign of depression. Have you ever tried CBT? It can be helpful with these sorts of negative thought processes.

Yes I have had therapy recently which I think is what has made me think of it all.

I just think they were all very selfish things to do. Cruel things and self absorbed things. I wish I had treated people differently and thought about things in more detail. What’s ironic is I never thought I was that important to the people in involved so I was pretty reckless about the relationships I had with them. It turns out that actually many of them were hurt by it and did value me in their life.

I looked at things in the wrong way and I was far too focused on getting a good job at any expense, even the expense of the relationships with those around me. I didn’t care for myself properly which then made me a shit friend, a shit partner, someone who clung on to a married man ffs

Well it does sound like you've done some rubbish things to people over the years, but the very fact that you now acknowledge it, and are committed to doing better, and are on here feeling guilty, means that you're not a bad person I think.

Really awful people wouldn't care.

And none of those things are so bad that you are irredeemable. Draw a line under them and strive to be kinder from now.

I feel like it’s an odd list. Some of them might be bad if true/as bad as you’ve said. Others not bad at all- I’m sure no one noticed you didn’t bring a wedding present. And I don’t understand why you think it’s bad that you left w flat when the tenancy was up?

I think you are thinking too negatively about yourself

The wedding was a friend I had known for years. It was shit of me not to have got a present or thought about it properly.

With the tenancy I left the three others to clean it from top to bottom. I just tidied up my room and left them. Again a shit thing to do.

You didn’t know he was married though. And you didn’t know your friend liked the other guy when you started seeing him (why in secret?). You don’t sound cruel, but yes perhaps a bit self absorbed. That’s ok though - we all can be sometimes. Do you hold yourself to very high standards generally? Maybe try being a bit kinder to yourself in your internal monologue (if that makes sense).

I regret many friendships that I didn't properly develop, or lost. All we can do is try harder in future, but at the same time be self-forgiving. xx

It sounds like you are doing some real work on yourself and realising stuff. That's great, especially as it includes realising that you have value to ohers, and that you can help things by taking better care of yourself. It sounds like you're finding some ways forward. Best wishes. xx

Thanks for the kind posts.

Yes I used to be awful to myself. I didn’t particularly enjoy my twenties at all, it was full of stress and pressure. I am kinder to myself these days.

I just wish I had been a good person all those years back. I really dislike the way I was and feel a gap where those relationships should still be had I not been so awful

Oh OP, this is really heart-breaking because you’re so hard on yourself but your list is really very normal and innocent. It sounds like a collection of very usual slip-ups and slight clangers that all of us have done whilst young.

What really concerns me is how much you’re berating yourself now over these normal parts of your past. I really hope you are ok and can seek some support and find peace with things

No point in self-flagellating, you can only try to be better in future.

Sharing a few random acts of kindness might make you feel better.

I’ve literally done every single one of those things (though to be fair, the married ex was my boyfriend first and then he ran off and married someone else and being 20 something I didn’t know how to deal with that).

I think this is about how you feel about yourself and not anything you’ve done. I definitely don’t think I’m not a bad person or a selfish person (realising cockroaches for my awful roommates before I moved out of a flat still seems brilliant even 15 years later). Because a few dumb mistakes doesn’t make your life. I’ve done lots of good things and I doubt anyone even remembers any of that now or cares. The same is most certainly true of you and the only person still giving it headspace is you. That’s no way to live your life.

Ritmo I think in isolation maybe one or two of these things could be a slip up. But there’s so many. So many times. That’s why makes me feel worse.

I go out of my way these days to be kind and considerate. Sometimes I look around me st work and think I bet nobody else was so nasty in their twenties and that panics me a bit, like I really fucked things up

Mindutopia thanks. I laughed about the cockroaches!

Sometimes I lie in bed and think about how different I’d have behaved if I could do it again

@Userlostmyway it sounds like you may have had a bit of a wrong impression of yourself before, where you thought you were a better than average sort of person? Perhaps via therapy you've recently started to learn you're actually quite ordinary in that you do bad things sometimes. We all do.

Your list is unremarkable to the point that some would call it boring.

Some of these things I've not done but I guarantee you I've done other, possibly worse things. E.g., I definitely fucked up my first two professional jobs REALLY badly. Not one but two! I have gone to a wedding once without bringing a gift... I've pushed certain men away and played with their emotions when I was in a bad place.

This is going to sound a bit unkind but it's intended kindly: you aren't special in this regard!

Not sure if that helps but in any event, I'm sorry you're feeling low and down on yourself.

Can I ask what effects you've seen in your life from these things? What have the long term issues been that were caused by these actions?

I think your being really hard on yourself. Everybody makes mistakes and does stupid stuff, that's just life. The fact that your thinking of these things now and worrying proves that you are a good person.

Don't get yourself down OP

Rvby thanks. The work thing bothers me because I was so hot headed and it didn’t need to end how it did. I wasn’t nice (neither was he) but I wish I’d been more dignified about it all. It seems so immature and embarrassing to look back on.

In terms of effects now..I wish some of those people were still in my life. I wish I had close uni friends. I do have two good friends from uni but it could easily have been more had I been better and keeping in touch and making an effort.

Also, on the topic of deserving good things.

If it's any comfort to you, no-one deserves anything, good or bad. We all just live on this planet and try our best and then we die.

Good things happen to terrible people and terrible things happen to good people and good things happen to good people and terrible things happen to terrible people. It's random.

You sound like an ordinary person.

I was a complete knobber in my 20s, I absolutely cringe at the things I did and especially things I said. By the time I am 40 I have no doubt I'll feel the same about my 30s. That's life. It's nothing to be alarmed about.

I also left people in the lurch when I stopped turning up for work one day while at uni. I just decided I couldn’t face it and couldn’t be bothered so I never went back. I just can’t believe I did things like this.

Oh love... I have done all these things & far far more. They can whack me over the head with middle of the night fears or randomly during the day. But they have no power over me on the whole - get some counselling, work on your self worth, count the good things you’ve done and work on doing more & more - not in a self flagellating way but in a positive forward thinking way.

You’d be hard pressed to find someone who didn’t have a list of shitty regrets & behaviour to equal or far exceed yours... fucking hell woman, this must feel unbearable to dwell on - accept your part, make amends where you can & move on - you’re human and I’m sure you could forgive others for these cock ups.

Thanks for the kind posts.

It has made me feel better that some of these things seem like normal twenties stuff to some posters. Thank you x

Totally normal. I could cringe a hundred years for my knobbish moments in my twenties and thirties. But I don’t because what’s the point - I’ve learned hard lessons from them, apologised, and try to be better. Fresh start for you, be free!