All the shit things I’ve done. Feel like a terrible person who doesn’t deserve anything good

[Userlostmyway]

I’ve done some shit things and only just recently realising it properly.

I’ve been flaky with friends years back who no longer speak to me because I cancelled so many times

At uni I was friends with a girl and started seeing a guy in secret. Months later she confessed she liked him and instead of telling her the truth I tried to put her off him and carried on seeing him. She found out and we managed to sustain a friendship but it was never the same and fizzled out

I fell out with my first ever boss and left on bad terms. Saw him in a cafe a while back and he blanked me

A friend’s wedding years ago I didn’t get a present. I don’t even know why...I was mid exams and totally stressed out and all but broke, yet I should have realised that was important and I didn’t

I pushed lots of men away and messed them around a bit when dating because I wasn’t sure. Two of them blocked me because of it.

In rental accommodation house share many years ago I upped and left when the tenancy ended, taking my stuff and barely doing any of the cleaning

In my 20s i dated someone and after three months discovers they were married. He gave me the script and I knew it was bullshit but I carried on for a while afterwards. I hate myself for this.

I basically feel like I’ve fucked up many times over. I feel like such a shit person. I’ve tried to be better over the years and I hope I wouldn’t do any of those things now. But I still think about them. I don’t know why im posting really. Has anyone else done similar awful things and put it to rest?

Life would very boring if everyone was oh so good all the time. Totally normal to look back and regret or feel bad about some things that went on in your life but that doesn't mean that you don't deserve a good life. The fact you reflect and feel bad about some behaviour is good but don't let it make you feel unworthy.

I think these are low level 'shit' things op done in youth and daftness rather than malice.
Please let it go and focus your energy on doing some kind acts for others.
I've done worse things tbh and do feel bad but have let it go because it doesn't do any good to dwell on it. I'm fairly kind these days!

They weren’t done with malice but god, I was oblivious to how others could feel. I just chipped and changed my mind and did what I liked, mostly out of panic than enjoyment. I feel embarrassed by it all.

I also left people in the lurch when I stopped turning up for work one day while at uni. I just decided I couldn’t face it and couldn’t be bothered so I never went back. I just can’t believe I did things like this.

I did this! More than once. I'd either make up a stupid excuse or just never go in again. Particularly bad when I was 18-20 years of age, bit better after that.

Trying to think of other stupid things I've done... Oh lord, toxic gossip that came back to me to bite me in the arse when the subject heard I was gossiping. Mortifying.

Making a comment about a black friend's hair texture. Looking back, yep, I was being a clueless racist and would have upset her for sure.

Making comments about fat people being lazy, making mean comments in gossip regarding other women (who does she think she is, etc.).

Marrying my exdh, wtf was I thinking. Believing all the things he told me about myself. Trying to change to fit what he wanted in a partner.

I'm now mid 30s and I work hard to be kind, and to be aware of other people but I wasn't always like this. Almost everyone is daft as a brush in their 20s. Those who aren't are the lucky ones, perhaps very good parents, good role models, healthy social culture. Exception not the rule imo.

If you want to be comforted fully, go and read a developmental psychology textbook and learn about how long it actually takes for the human brain to mature and understand consequences...!

Rvby thank you so much. I’ve done similar things to you with reckless comments and idle gossip...maybe it’s true that we all would do some things differently especially in our twenties!

I think if you asked every person to list all the shit things they had done, you would see you aren't quite as terrible as you think OP! I get how you feel, I honestly do, I've felt similar, it's a pattern that seems to follow me as I'm sure that's how you feel, but you really don't sound like a bad person, just a bit flaky and you could work on that, it's not a horrible trait, just a bit frustrating to some people. Be kind to yourself op.

I’ve done all those (apart from sleeping with a married man) and worse! I left a job once after 3 hours. Didn’t even say I was leaving. I just went. I used to do that all the time in my 20’s. I cheated on every single BF up until my husband. I once had 3 on the go at once! It’s all part of the rich tapestry of life and learning. Try and see it as learning. We all make mistakes. You are trying to be a better person. That’s to be applauded. I’m doing nowt like that. I waste my time eating donuts and watching Netflix. At least you’re trying. Why don’t you volunteer in a charity shop or something. Might give you some fulfilment. I couldn’t do that. I’m way too selfish. So if you do that then you’ll be better than a lot of us and you might just make some new friends

To err is human. We all make mistakes are selfish and unkind. But so long as we try to learn and be decent and kind the mistakes are worth it. Humility, integrity and kindness matter hugely. The fact you are thinking sorrowfully about these things means you have all three of these imporrtant qualities. Many people never do. Don't let the past get in the way of future friendships and joy. Keep on keeping on.

Life is all about learning from your mistakes. And alot of those sound like it was when you were young and some with good reasons. Such as the wedding present. I'd not of wanted someone who was broke to of spent money on a wedding present for us! Them being there would matter more.

I cringe when remembering the appalling racist, sexist, generally offensive jokes I used to tell as a young teenager just so that I could shock my classmates who had cornered me with embarrassing personal questions. Of course they then harassed me about the jokes. I'm not proud of how I behaved but I think their bullying was worse.

But isn't it a sign that you have changed because you are remorseful about these things? A truly narcissistic person would not be contrite. Think of these episodes as learning how to be a better person. We all have to learn one way or the other.

Yes...brain not fully developed until 30 and that's being generous ....

I haven't done any of those things but I'm sure I've done lots of other things wrong. Most of us make mistakes. That is how we learn.

I would say to you to please forgive yourself. You have nothing to gain by giving yourself such a hard time about this. You recognise that you perhaps didn't do things as you would have done with the benefit of hindsight and you are saying you will try not to do those things again. That is all we can expect of ourselves and others - to just do our best.

You haven't murdered anyone. You haven't deliberately set out to hurt anyone's feelings. Some of those things you have done aren't awful but are just momentary lapses of thoughtfulness. Honestly, I'm sure any of the people you feel you have committed some kind of injustice towards would not want you to feel so badly about yourself. Be kinder to yourself and just draw a line on the past and be happy going forward knowing that you've learnt from any little mistakes you've made.

Oh dear OP, I could have written much of what you have myself, but much worse. I did some truly, truly cuntish stuff in my 20s and even a fair amount of similar in my 30s. You live and learn, and honestly I am trying to make amends with 'the universe' by being as good as possible and treating people as well as I can. I feel deeply sorry for the way I was, and it sounds like you are too. I struggle at times, but have genuinely found that (a) most people have been selfish, immature fuckwits at some point, (b) nobody is perfect EVER and (c) people will judge you on how you are, not how you were in the past. Please give yourself a break! Almost all of us have been there xx

You're being waaaaaay too hard on yourself. Nothing that you've described sounds that bad. We've all done things that with maturity and hindsight we could have done better, the fact that you realise that shows you're a good person. Use that knowledge to do better in the future. Hugs

What helped me was the suggestion that I could make a positive contribution now. So, signing up to do voluntary work, seeking out ways to perform acts of kindness. A sort of penance if you will to make up for the past where it was not possible to make a direct restoration

Blimey OP.
You were young.

You have not murdered anyone.
These things are actually quite trivial, even though to you they don't seem to be.
You've acknowledged all this and are moving forward.
You are growing up!!!!
That's what happens.
Stop beating yourself up about all of this.
There is really no need for it.
We've all done things we aren't proud of.
We learn and we move on.

Thanks ... I felt like these things were just me and I was the odd one out. Thanks for making me feel better

Yes we've all made mistakes, however your thread has really struck a cord with me OP as I have an ex-friend who I loved very much, she behaved in similar way to yourself.

It wasn't just me, she's lost various friends along the way.

She did actually apologise for some of her behaviour but then totally let me down. I caught her out doing something that I now suspect she'd probably been doing for years. Maybe she'd always been secretly jealous of me, who knows why?!? I was at a point in my life when I needed all the friends I could get. I unintentionally exposed her behaviour rather pubicly so then she got nasty and started criticising my past decisions in front of others. I could never trust her again after that. She just wanted to put me down all the time. She wanted all the attention for herself and didn't want anyone to like me. I'd liken it to an abusive relationship.

I have no idea why she behaved like that, maybe it was low-self-confidence thing. In a way I feel sorry for her and it makes me really sad that what was initially such a good friendship ended this way.

It's also effected my ability to form new friendships, I find it difficult to trust potential new friends and always imagine what they're saying about me behind my back. She's made me feel like a crap person .

Sorry if this makes you feel bad OP. The fact that she may now be feeling similar to yourself, that she regrets how she treated me, gives me some comfort. I would rather my ex-friend didn't feel crap about herself now, what's the point in that, I'd rather it never have happened in the first place but it did. Move on, what's happened has happened there's nothing you can do except not do it again to someone else.

Most of us make mistakes when we're young, Userlostmyway. I certainly did and some not the sort of things I'd want people to know about.

It's how you are now that counts.

As someone who's been on the receiving end of things like this, just move on. Don't go back apologising for being awful. I literally never want to hear from any of the people who have been shits in my life. Do everyone a favour, learn that you don't like the memory of having not acted well, and act better in future.

The most important thing is your awareness and remorse.
I have a sister who is still doing things like this, mainly, verbally attacking people in work, neighbourhood and family.
She has no self awareness. When people cut her off she thinks it's because they have issues.
She thinks she has the right to give family members 'a piece of her mind' (massive verbal rant/attack) and expects them to get over it and acts as if nothing happened when she next sees them.
Her therapist discontinued seeing her after three sessions because she attacked him!
She is 50 and has several broken relationships in her past.
She will never change.

You still sound self absorbed tbh. Stop wallowing in it and just treat people well/how you would like to be treated.