Advice needed - scared to make a break ?

[yorksgirl]

This is my 1st post on here so not sure if done it right. Just wanted a bit of advice really, my partner of 3 years is killing me. We have a son who's 2 and my partner has walked out on us about 20 times since he was born. He's quite an agressive, moody guy (no addictions or problems) he just blames it on tiredness and work !! Lots more to this story but basically it is my house and he doesn't like it. I've never been able to commit to him cos I just don't trust him to look after us like he claims he wants to !! Each time he leaves, he starts saying nice things like he wants a normal happy family life etc etc and I crumble and things go back to normal and he is the fantastic partner and father etc ...for a week... and then it all starts again, we argue and he leaves or I throw him out. He won't go to relate or counselling, says it doesn't work (we tried a couple of years ago when my son was 2 and we had to cancel an appt and never made another one. Don't want to carry on doing this as my son talking now and I don't want his father to keep leaving as he's gonna know what's happening pretty soon.

I was in a relationship like this and its horrible, draining. Sorry to say it only gets worse, I made the break after 8 years and it was 7 years too long, I've never been happier now that I am out of that environment.

Thank you all so much, feel like weight has been lifted off my shoulders !!
One of the things he blames all this on is his dad died when he was 18 and he says he's never gotten over it, I don't know what it feels like to lose a parent and I wouldn't even try to imagine, but my mum lost her dad at 18 and I have friends who lost siblings etc who say the pain never goes away but that he shouldn't use it as an excuse now he's 38 !!
I think he is a it of a control freak really. There's a lot more to this story since we met and i don't know where to start !!

surprise surprise, dp only gone since sunday and i've had txt messages saying he's missing us both and if only we could sort out our 'issues' what !?! that he'll not bother me anymore cos I haven't replied to a text he sent an hour ago ?????? OMG and that i know where he is xxxx hallf of me is livid and the other is scared shitless about being on my own with ds. please somebody tell me what to do, feel like been going round in circles for last year or so

Ok here goes, told him that it's never gonna work between us, he went absolutely psychotic on me, started saying he had keys cut and will come round Friday to remove everything he believes is his from my house and will not give me the keys back until he's got them, left keys in back of door for last 2 nights so he couldn't get in, can't afford to get locks changed though and I am just so scared (financial reasons) of being on my own and being a single parent (I work 6 days a week as it is) everytime he's left, he doesn't give me anything for ds and this has always been the reason I take him back (my mum and sis know this and say don't and they'll help me) my friend at work (only friend i have actually - he doesn't like me having close relationship with anyone, not even my mum for fear I'll talk to them about us) anyway, my friend says its emotional blackmail as he knows I can't really manage unless he pays for ds and hence he knows if I having a 'feeling down' day that I'll take him back, all the while reminding me it's my 'issues' that caused the fallout and him leaving. i rang csa to enquire about money for ds about 2 mths ago, he found out and made loads of changes at work (he is a director) so that it looked like he earned about £100 a week and he no co. car etc. a load of bollocks basically !! and said if I ever went to csa he would pack in work or take 1 day a week job (cos he can fiddle wage) I feel stuck, even on the days I think I can do it on my own, i feel fed up, feel like i never want to have a relationship again, he has got to me psychologically BIG TIME, didn't realise (probably still don't) how much he has affected my self worth, confidence and positivity about life. Why can't I just be strong for once ?? Don't want to let him in house to take stuff that isn't even his, but feel like doing it for a quiet life, even if i end up sat on a cardboard box, says he is taking kettle and fridge cos he contributed towards them ?!?!? For gods sake, the kettle is worth about a FIVER !! I know he just trying to hurt me, but sometimes I feel so angry and then other times depressed beyond belief (after all, he did diagnose me with PND when he left after ds was 4 mths old !!) Doctor said he didn't agree with him though, he said doctor is rubbish !! I don't think clearly when it's like this and make silly decisions, better make a quick cuppa whilst I still have my kettle though x

i am so sorry ur feeling shit at the moment...i think u should tell him u'll ring the police if he tries to gain access and take belongings as its YOUR house.Also remind him that ur unlikely to recieve any maintenance off him so he can fuck right off if he thinks hes getting anything.Do not let him manipulate u because he he just trying to grind u down so he can move back in x keep ur chin up x x x x

and what a sorry son of a bitch to threaten to take belongings that u and ds need as essentials

thank you sooooo much for support, i just had a good cry from letting a bit of it out, really scared of being on my own, if this has happened before ds born when i was my old confident self, i would have given him the boot then, why am i so weak ??? daren't tell mum this time as she hates him anyway and didn't want me to see him again after last time when police ended up being called as he came to house, and starting swearing, ds was in his arms and i tried to take ds off him whilst he was carrying on and he kicked me over the coffe table (he says it was an accident and it was the only time he was physical with me) i was scared so rang mum , dad wasn't home from work but arrived just in time as mum went to grab him by throat - she heard him call me a silly cow (i wasn't holding a piece of furniture straight that he'd asked me to help him move and it was the 1st time she'd ever heard it with her own ears after 6 mths of talking to her about him, police came and they threw him out and then he made a report against my mum !! mum is smallest quiestest and kindest person you'll ever meet, loves her gs to pieces and like any mother would do, the anger of seeing someone hurting her daughter over a long period of time as my nan told me made her flip out. Why when i'm on my own do i cave in when he starts being nice to me ????? i must be thick, don't even think im making any sense but it feels better getting it off my chest

you guys are absolutely awesome for the support messages, when you spk to others who are not involved which i've never had the chance to do, i feel a bit of inner strength

all you need to remember is that u will eventually regain your self esteem back if u keep him away from you...you need to think about whats best for u and ds at the end of the day.your family will stand by you through it all.have u enquired to what u will recieve in benefits??????,even if u dont get much it'll be better than nothing x

get rid, get rid, get rid. This guy is seriously not the person you should spend your life with. Muster all the courage you can and stick to your guns. Is there anyone who can come and stay for a few days? Or can you go somewhere for a few days?
My heart goes out to you. You are choosing to take control of your life by getting rid of this wanker but I know that it can all seem so hard and so scary
we are all here for your to talk to
Keep on down this path Yorkgirl
Love to you
X

thanks flightattendant, it's good to know what others have done in same situation, i know it sounds silly, but i totally know his mind games, he knows that by taking say 'the fridge' that i start to get upset and will start to be ok with him, not because of the fridge, but that the threat of him taking the things that make 'home' that i won't want that and will be ok with him again if that makes sense, i really really hope that i post on here very soon and have managed to be on my own for weeks, cos when i did that before, it got easier to not want the dream of a family life back (albeit moody and loud) longest on my own was 3 months and then he knocked on door xmas eve with tickets to floria for xmas and for us to make a go of it as a family again (i am a fool but actually believed he'd changed cos it had been mths since he'd been nasty) anyway he started being funny within days of being there and i sensed the old comments and funniness again (i know for a fact he didn't fancy me anymore - i think) but think it was more of the control thing - him controlling his family - i upset my mum cos took gs away from everyone at xmas (how stupid am i ) and it took mths to get on with family again cos i'd taken him back etc. on flight back, he said he didn't know what solution was for us anymore as since i took new job after my whole six weeks maternity leave, i was now earning crap money (£20K by the way) and that i was stupid to leave old job (70 hrs a week for £50k) to make sure i saw ds every night and weekends - by the way it was best thing i ever did even though it is a struggle financially (how expensive is nursery ??) he said that i taken a job 'below me' and had stepped back in my career, he basically said he'd lost all respect for me and what was i going to do about it. He thinks he's a big high flier, but he gives up everything for work and i just don't want that as much as i did before ds, he is the only child i'll ever have and is growing up too fast as it is, i feel i'm only 28 nd have plenty of career time left, he is 38. he's just left a message on phone saying he knows i'm not in and probably out with new man ?!?!? WTF ???
I have only been with him since 2003 and NEVER even looked at anyone else, it's the last thing on my mind if they're all like that. I know I have let myself go a bit since we met and have been meaning to sort myself out so i'll book hair tomorrow (can't afford to, but will) He said last week (after i made his tea, put it on his lap, bathed ds and put him to bed after working 9 hrs myself) that i don't do enough for him and he's funny with me sometimes cos he's so scared that i'll meet someone else younger, better looking and leave him (same as we did - we met at an old workplace years ago)

i think i must have mental problems as to why i go back for more shit -

i got carried away - on the flight on way back, when he said the stuff about my crappy job etc. i said i was getting off flight and going to see my mum for new year, he laughed (that nasty laugh) and said he managed to do what he wanted by taking ds away from everyone at christmas and that it's time they started getting hurt after what i put him through.

I feel so sorry for you hun.

I split with dh on the 1st of this month, we've been together just over 5 years but he plays mind games and is very controlling. I don't know if I can give advice, as it's still very new (he's still living with us which is hell and we're fighting over the kids) but I want you to know I'm thinking of you xx

are all men like this or have i just picked a nutter ? i do think he has big problems though and doesn't even know it
do people stay with nutters like him for money, security etc i am scared of struggling for next 20 yrs and not being able to give my son the things i always wanted to ( i know things don't matter, just don't want him to go without - when he has gone to his dad for day ( every other saturday when we not together) his dad bought him loads of toys etc and he doesn't seem to want to come home with me after being with his dad for day, also his mum and sister are a bit nutty (both suffer with depression etc.) and i don't really want ds in that environment when he's a bit older and likely to notice behaviour

what did you do lunavix ? what made you manage to do it ?

he just left another message (he knows im home and won't pick up phone to him) saying he is seeing solicitor tomorrow for joint custody of ds (i will kill myself rather than let that happen) and that i'd better do same and that i know it will happen - i think its another way of saying if you give it a go, i won't seek custody (see, i'm getting better than i used to be at spotting these mind games)