Advice needed - scared to make a break ?

[yorksgirl]

This is my 1st post on here so not sure if done it right. Just wanted a bit of advice really, my partner of 3 years is killing me. We have a son who's 2 and my partner has walked out on us about 20 times since he was born. He's quite an agressive, moody guy (no addictions or problems) he just blames it on tiredness and work !! Lots more to this story but basically it is my house and he doesn't like it. I've never been able to commit to him cos I just don't trust him to look after us like he claims he wants to !! Each time he leaves, he starts saying nice things like he wants a normal happy family life etc etc and I crumble and things go back to normal and he is the fantastic partner and father etc ...for a week... and then it all starts again, we argue and he leaves or I throw him out. He won't go to relate or counselling, says it doesn't work (we tried a couple of years ago when my son was 2 and we had to cancel an appt and never made another one. Don't want to carry on doing this as my son talking now and I don't want his father to keep leaving as he's gonna know what's happening pretty soon.

im sorry for moaning xx

well... I've always known he's controlling. He's lovely to everyone else, and he does a lot of stuff for us, he's a fantastic dad... but he has a hideous temper and will start screaming at me, in front of the kids, he blanks my friends, belittles me in front of like work situations...

I just told him I loved him but wasn't in love with him, and I'd had enough.

He's known there's a problem in our relationship but would never admit it. The hardest bit was him crying, then shouting, then crying... then he got his parents involved and I had to deal with his mum...

I've just stuck to it. A few times I've thought about giving in and taking him back (we had a similar split once before but I took him bacK) but he's been real horrid since even though he's trying to win me back apparently (he's told people I'm having a mental breakdown) but he moved out for 5 days and I keep reminding myself how lovely it was. Some days I wonder how I've managed to cope this long, I'm just trying to think of the future...

I'm here if you want to talk, like I said I can't really give advice. I just know I'm happy without him, and if I'm not happy our kids will pick up on it so this is worth while.

Hi Lunavix how are you doing? Was sorry to hear about your Mum, get in touch when you're ready

omg its like reading my life, ive just phoned mum and she wants to take ds to cener parcs with he and dad and my sis for weekend and i said ok (want a bit of time to sort myself out even though i will miss ds like crazy) i think she expecting me to see him and sort out (deep down i know she doesn't want that but wants me to be happy whatever) i've now made a resolution to have a weekend on my own and he knows i'm not working so will play the happy family weekend together card and i'm gonna stay strong !! what i really want to say to hm is:
you were mentally abusive to me during my last 5 mths of pregnancy and left me in a car park 3 miles from home without coming back
you patronise me and have no respect for me - at all - ever !!
you have problems emotionally and are full of too many big gestures with no real happiness (which costs nothing)
i don't like you as a person (not sure if i ever really did it was that long ago you were nice)
when you leave or i have asked you to go in the past, those days/weeks on my own are blissful and i feel happier within hours
i don't want my son to grow up like you
i hate the fact that you swear and can be nasty about others on a daily basis
i don't have t listen to you slagging off my 'pathetic career' anymore
i don't have to listen to you telling me how much money you earn and what you are going to buy next anymore
i don't have to listen to you slagging off my family anymore because they are the complete opposite of your own
i will manage to stay in this house without your financial help as it seems to be the only thing you have over me
i am not going to let you set foot in mine and ds house ever again

feel a bit better now but i know it won't come out that way cos i'm scared he will turn nasty/go for custody/ anything that can hurt me
its easier to ignore him at the mo

what website can i go to - never thought of it as abuse, cos he's never hit me or aything like that

womensaid, someone's recommmended on my thread

I haven't looked yet

I'm terrified of losing my two dc's, h is threatening it, but I'm trying to stay strong about it. I can't live forever with him, so something had to be done...

i think i will contact relate or counselling service to see them on my own i didn't want to phone a helpline just to talk to someone as i'm not in immediate danger or anything unless he turns nasty.
just thinking about all the things he's done within the last year makes me hate him, he once rang after collecting ds one saturday as arranged to say he wasn't bringing him back and he might as well kill himself if we weren't together, i rang police in end as he wouldn't tell me where he driven to with ds, police eventually got hold of him by phone and made him come back where he started crying etc. as usual and told him to leave me alone for forseeable, then i was a fool again
one other thing i need to get off my chest if anyone has an opinion on this please....
when we split last june, i told him it was for good and he rented himself a fancy new apartment and we didn't make contact for months apart from handing over ds once a mth when he requested to see him anyway, in september, i stupidly started being ok with him again nd we spent time together and i thought he'd changed (absolutely no signs of aggressiveness etc) anyway after a month or so, i sensedd something wasn't right and as we weren't living together anymore, i came home one night and went onto his e-mails (i guessed the password cos he'd changed it) and there was an e-mail from a dating site, i logged on (guessed password again - his footy club) and he had been in contact with women - they were contacting him more than he was them, laying it on a plate if you like - i wouldn't mind but he certainly ain't stunning ?!? anyway one particular e-mail talked about meeting up and by the time i read it as anyone who has dealt with this before, i knew in my heart of hearts there were nnow things i didn't know about (we had been back together a couple of weeks) i had a large glass of wine and with the now or never attitude, rang him and called his bluff, told him i'd spoken to a woman, knew he'd met her and she'd told me everything - i asked him if he'd slept with anyone whilst we were apart and he said he hadn't, i said tell me honestly cos i already know so you might as well - then the biggest heartbreak i'd ever felt - he said he had slept with someone, asked him why, screamed a bit all the usual stuff, askd him to tell me why - he didn't say much apart from if he'd told me before i'd not have got back with him and there would've been no chance for us ever again, to this day i still can't let go of it, says he thought we were over for good, he still loved me more than anyone ever and that he was lonely etc. BOLLOCKS I know we had separated but i have to ask if i'm being unreasonable, it was 10 weeks after we split, he'd even rung me on the day 'it' happened to profess his undying love for me and ds etc and he couldn't live with out us, i felt like such a fool then and have never got over it, my sis (only one who knows what happened) said we weren't strictly together so can't blame him ?? how weak are men ?? anyway this is a big reason why i couldn't feel close to him again, don't trust him again and don't want to put up with him anymore