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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I tell my partner I have no friends?

41 replies

Mummytoone909 · 25/09/2019 22:08

Recently dating someone who wants to take things further. He's a very sociable person with lots of friends, always out and seems to be able to make friends very easily.

I'm the opposite, I have no female friends and only a few male friends who I wouldn't really call best friends. I've always struggled with friends, seem to be able to talk really easily with males but when it comes to females I'm awful. I'd say I have social anxiety to an extent but based on appearance, people often assume I'm very sociable and have lots of friends which makes it even worse. And to top it we're both young so there seems to be more pressure to have a large group of friends.

I'm fairly busy with university, looking after my little one and have no family support so making friends isn't easy without being socially awkward and quite introverted on top of it.

Im just so embarrassed he's going to think I'm really strange, especially since he has a very large amount of friends, any advice at all? 😭 It makes me feel like I should cut things off because I'm not like the average person who at least has a few friends!

OP posts:
WhatshouldIdonoww · 25/09/2019 22:17

I don’t have any friends. I never told my ex he just guessed. I remember him turning to me one day and saying “where are your friends?” I don’t think it’s something you need to announce? Surely it will become quite clear?

Original poster
Mummytoone909 · 25/09/2019 22:21

Sorry I didn't really make that clear, it wouldn't be a matter of me announcing it as such, it's more what to say when he clocks on!

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 25/09/2019 22:22

Why should he think you are strange? He’s enjoying getting to know you. You sound like someone who focuses on course work and dc, leaving very little time for socialising.
If you had lots of friends, you wouldn’t have time for him. I don’t think you should worry, definitely don’t throw it all away.. It’ll be fine Smile

WhatshouldIdonoww · 25/09/2019 22:29

Oh I see, I have seen it described on here as a “red flag” so can see your concerns but honestly I’ve seen it pop up so much on here people saying they have no friend so I don’t think it’s that unusual

category12 · 25/09/2019 22:31

You're "busy with university, looking after my little one and have no family support" plus "socially awkward and quite introverted on top of it".

Job done. You don't need to excuse yourself - he'll either like socially awkward and introverted as you are - or he won't.

Longterm, you might want to work on your difficulties with befriending women, as they're pretty ace, with a bit of counselling or whatnot?

Original poster
Mummytoone909 · 25/09/2019 22:37

@whatshouldidonoww that's what worries me, but I've always had friends its just maintaining them I struggle with which I think is to do with me being avoidant and possible low in self esteem, as oppose to me being a horrible/ bitchy person, I'm afr from that!

@category12 I am intending to do therapy when back at university this year so hopefully I can get somewhere!

OP posts:
Welshe · 25/09/2019 22:38

Can I ask do you want female friends?

heartbreakin · 25/09/2019 22:40

I’m the same. I have a few female acquaintances but I’m not close to anyone. I just seem to be a loner! I wish it could be different but I’ve never had any luck with female friendships. I just don’t get them. Just be yourself. He’s got enough friends to share

DontCallMeDarling · 25/09/2019 22:42

Just tell him truth, you are busy with university etc so don't have time for many friends. As long as you are open to meeting his friends, he won't mind and if he does, that makes him weird not you!

Original poster
Mummytoone909 · 25/09/2019 22:44

@Welshe yes I would like some, I do have aquatances I speak to at uni etc but I just struggle getting close to girls. At school it was the bitchiness I couldn't stand, but now I'm just more avoidant than anything and can feel myself pushing people away, I hate it.

I'm not bothered at all about having loads, just a few would suit me well!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummytoone909 · 25/09/2019 22:46

I think it's also that I don't relate much to females of my age. I've been through a lot of l different experiences to the average person of my age and so find that our general interests and conversations are very different!

OP posts:
Doormat247 · 25/09/2019 22:48

@Mummytoone909 I've had an ex or two who have taken the piss out of me for admitting I have no friends so I understand why you might be worried.
I think it's a good test of a relationship - if he finds it funny or mocks you 'for a laugh' then he's no good.
My DP doesn't care I have no friends and I was honest about it with him immediately. He doesn't have many either so it's not a big deal for him.

Sammy867 · 25/09/2019 22:48

I don’t have any friends at all, just acquaintances as well, but to be honest there’s no space in my life for friends at the minute. I had a lot of friends at school and university but I now work two stressful jobs, have classes to take my Dd to (swimming, piano, ballet, tap) as well as sorting the house, school drop offs and pick ups and every other part of life. I think once she’s more independent I’ll seize the opportunity to make friends again but at this stage in my life general living is too exhausting to put effort into maintaining the friendships. I don’t really mind my own company either, I don’t really feel lonely or anything so I’m lucky in that sense

Welshe · 25/09/2019 22:52

I think it's also that I don't relate much to females of my age. I've been through a lot of l different experiences to the average person of my age and so find that our general interests and conversations are very different!

How do you know if you haven't got female friends? Confused
I don't mean to be horrible but your comment is so dismissive of other women and quite patronising.

You have to be more open minded

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2019 22:52

I have no friends. Not one. I don't have any social anxiety at all, I'm just a solitary person. My husband several close friends, and while I like all of them very much, I don't consider them "my" friends. My husband and I may be different in this regard, but it has no impact on our relationship.

Bobthefishermanswife · 25/09/2019 22:54

@Mummytoone909 you hit the nail on the head in your op, as @category12 pointed out, you're busy with uni, your child and you have no family support coupled with being introverted and socially awkward. Hell either work it out and won't care or he won't. Don't end the relationship because of this, especially if you like him.

My OH is similar to you in the sense that he is socially awkward and introverted. I've got a small circle of close friends and over the years they (and their partners) have adopted him as their friend too. You'll probably end up the same way, sharing a friendship circle makes socialising easy!

GabsAlot · 25/09/2019 23:00

I thnk i had two real friends when i met dh he didnt giv e a shit

PerfectionistProcrastinator · 25/09/2019 23:15

I only have 1 friend. No longer close in distance but in contact most days.

I can’t remember if I told DP about it or not when we met. I’ve always worried what people would think about it in the past as I think myself quite normal and fun!

I’d love to have a group of close girlfriends but I’ve always been one for more 1 to 1 friendships.

DP has his own close group of friend since the age of 4 or something silly. They’re more like brothers. He worries about me sometimes but I’m quite happy. Says his friends and their partners are now my friends too.

It’s funny how people perceive it as a taboo thing yet since being on mumsnet I realise it is quite common to have not many/any friends.

Everafter1 · 25/09/2019 23:27

Your plate's full OP. You're a mum & you're at uni.

Try not to put pressure on yourself. I'm quite a solitary person too. Quality over quantity Smile

Don't break it off just yet. He doesn't need to know in depth about any meaningful connections you have just now & if he asks tell him you're so busy with being a mum, studying & you're quite shy. He'll probably find it endearing. You'll have so many other good qualities that he's more interested in.

Original poster
Mummytoone909 · 25/09/2019 23:41

Thank you for the replies, it's nice to know others are in a similar position and are happy in their relationships.

I'm don't particularly need anyone else i guess it's more the embarrassment and what others think which I should probably try to overcome!

OP posts:
fretaway · 25/09/2019 23:43

OP you sound like you have more than enough on your plate.
I did a degree in a subject that was mostly males and subsequently worked in the same sector, so for a time i had mostly male acquaintances - rather than friends, and found them easier to talk to as I wasn’t very ‘girly’ either. I don’t think OP’s comments are meant to be patronising at all.
I now have mostly female acquaintances, mainly through school, but do find it hard to break from that into actual friendship due to social anxiety. But I’m quite introverted and like my own company so that’s just the way it is. You don’t have to explain it to anyone.

meccacos2 · 26/09/2019 05:57

My best friend and I had a falling out when my boyfriend came along. This wasn’t me ditching her - this was her losing her shit because she was jealous. Her drinking and her mental health became worse and she became nasty. I walked away and blocked her on everything. It was actually easy to do as she owed me money and stole from me (she didn’t need the money - she spent it renovating her house).

My boyfriend asked about my other friends and I said we aren’t close & my relationships are different to yours. We don’t hang out - we just chat occasionally.

I also highlighted the plus side, that because I have low social needs I won’t be dragging him to things to hang out with people he hates.

I asked him to meet a friend group once and he declined. Hung out with his friends instead. This was fine for me.

It bothers him because he thinks I’m shutting him out of my life. I’m really not. I just like hanging out with my cat 🤷🏼‍♀️

There are many people like you. Don’t feel bad about it. You’re busy & you don’t put your time into superficial relationships.

meccacos2 · 26/09/2019 06:00

My point was I don’t have friends either and I’m perfectly fine with that 🙂

When I want friends, I’ll accept them into my life. For now, I’m content.

You seem to think there is something embarrassing about your situation - it’s perfectly fine!

ThatFlamingCandle · 26/09/2019 06:05

God OP I've definitely been there. If you want friends you just have to fake it til you make it. And your boyfriend judges you, you need to LTB. He should be supported you and building your self esteem.

I just started uni and I've just forced myself to talk to people. And the more you do it, the more confidence you actually become. I feel like I can talk to anyone and it's been one week.

Most people are shy when they first start, and also want to make friends. It can be hard entering an established group however, but just do it. Join a society (there should be at least one with people with similar interests) and find a.group of girls. Introduce yourself and ask them questions, take a genuine interest.

Oh yes, and not everyone is super extroverted, you can find friends with a more mild temperament, if you know where to look!

ThatFlamingCandle · 26/09/2019 06:08

Your plate's full OP. You're a mum & you're at uni

It's definitely harder, but it takes 20 mins to find someone and have a conversation. You can go to a society event one day a week. Talk to people on your course. There are many of us who are parents. You could even find some where you are.

If you the attitude of well in a parent so I can't do anything then you're never going to make friends. You do have to put a bit of effort in, you can't use your kids as an excuse for everything, and I mean this in the nicest way possible as I've done the same many times.