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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In need of new relationship advice... anxiety or just not that into me?

40 replies

Keliza1993 · 25/09/2019 19:09

Hi! So I'm very new to this site but have an issue I would really appreciate some advice on!!

So me and this guy have been dating for about 2 months and he asked me to be his girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. I was really happy, we get on well, he's super cute and everything seemed peachy.

THEN.

He was round my place when all of a sudden he got pretty snappy and argumentative, this seemed really out of character so I was concerned but he said he was fine and ended up going home... no worries I guess he was just in an 'off mood' so I thought I'd let it blow over. Didn't really think anything of it.

The next day he said he couldn't see me anymore. He suffers from terrible anxiety that comes and goes. So, for instance, he could be fine for months, then all of a sudden the anxiety will creep back in and make him overthink everything. He explained it like this... he could be thinking about his job/family/new relationship etc and a voice in his head will try and convince him that hes better off without any of it. With regards to me, he said he didn't know if it was fair to 'drag' me through it all with him. I was obviously very upset but explained I wanted to be there for him and would help best I could. I care about him a lot, it really upset me to hear this was the way he'd been feeling.

Anyway he basically said nope that's it, we're over. Then he shows up at my house at midnight apologizing. Next day, he's not sure again - looks like its over again. Next day, nope I'm sorry I didn't mean it I do actually want to be with you... etc etc this has been going on for about 2 weeks now.

Obviously I can't be annoyed with the situation because I guess its the anxiety taking over and not him, and I promised I'd be there for him. However, a couple of things he's said have concerned me. I'm starting to wonder if it is the anxiety or is he just not that into me...

For instance yesterday he said 'sometimes you do things that make me think you're not the kind of girl I'm into and I wonder if I like you or not, but then I tell myself its the anxiety'. He also found an old photo of me (I've lost about 2 stone over the past couple of years so look different to my older photos) and said 'I never would have gone for you, I sometimes don't know if you're my type (along the lines of that)'. Most concerning, he messaged me saying... 'I might delete social media because maybe its not good to see things that aren't actually real or seeing things that make me think 'oh maybe I want to be single so I can sleep about or try this and try that even though I probably wouldn't' (those are his exact words via a text message).

Now don't get me wrong, he calls me gorgeous, says I'm a nice person etc.. but I can't help but feel ugly sometimes and totally undesired.

I feel like it seems unfair to jump to the conclusion that he's 'messing' me about as he's explained to me how bad his anxiety is. I feel awful for second guessing. But I can't help but think... am I being a massive mug? Does he even like me that much? Now I've typed it all out I don't really know what to think... can anxiety have this impact on new relationships? I would really appreciate some advice on this I'm at a loss :(

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 25/09/2019 19:15

Good grief...dump block and move on.

supercali77 · 25/09/2019 19:16

Er hell no. I dont care how bad his anxiety is there's a difference between mulling over these issues in the privacy of your own head and vomming them at another human being. Its not your job to counsel him through whether hed have a better time sleeping around or whether hed be into you if you put a couple of stone on. That's not anxiety, that's being a dick to someone and using anxiety as an excuse for shonky behaviour. If he wants to shag about I'd be really clear with him. Go and do it. If he thinks he can um and ah about whether you're worth it show him you are. Have faith in yourself and make the choice for him. 2 months in pulling this shit jt wont get better

flipperdoda · 25/09/2019 19:18

Nope. Nope again. Give yourself some love and leave this 'relationship' behind!

cheezy · 25/09/2019 19:21

Woah. Okay anxiety is real. But he shouldn’t blame his awful, demeaning behaviour on it!!! He sounds terrible OP and really mean! Don’t let yourself be messed around. Dump forthwith and move swiftly on Flowers

Badolddays · 25/09/2019 19:21

You must be mad to put up with that nonsense!

Aminuts23 · 25/09/2019 19:23

This isn’t a 2 month in relationship, it’s a nightmare!!! You don’t need this in your life. Get rid. He won’t change. Is this how you want your life to be?

Elieza · 25/09/2019 19:25

I’ve dated needy guys and tried to be there for them and understand them and make allowances blah blah etc etc.

They just continue to be needy. It’s exhausting. They will destroy your confidence and break your heart. They second guess everything and then you do too and you end up as fucked up as them!

I kinda feel Iike if you were the one hed know but he’s fighting with himself to go out with you when his gut is saying you’re not the one and he doesn’t really want to date you but he’s making himself...not great!!

You don’t need the drama. Leave him. There things he can do to help his anxiety. He should go do them before dating anyone. Move on. You can do better than someone who barely wants you.

FaithInfinity · 25/09/2019 19:31

Run like the wind. It’s 2 months in. It’s supposed to be your honeymoon phase but he’s already being a dick, messing you about, blowing hot and cold. But it’s not him, it’s his anxiety...so he never has to take any responsibility for his actions. Also the weight thing is dodgy. What if you gained weight again? Or got pregnant? Get rid.

Rainbowqueeen · 25/09/2019 19:37

He’s not making you happy. That’s the bottom line. At this stage you should be all hearts and rainbows. Not trying to fix him. And he shouldn’t be expecting you too. That’s his job

Don’t be a rescuer. Be an equal partner with someone who values you and takes responsibility for their own issues

Move on and use this as a learning experience

Everafter1 · 25/09/2019 19:40

I don't think I could deal with that much uncertainty never mind the insults.

Boysey45 · 25/09/2019 19:44

Sounds to me hes seriously mentally ill.
I'd just suggest he gets help and that your ending it as its the best for everyone.Then block him off everything and if he turns up then don't answer the door.

Pinkflipflop85 · 25/09/2019 19:44

Run for the hills, then run some more.

PorterBella · 25/09/2019 19:45

You're not his cure, let him go.

BatshitBertha · 25/09/2019 19:45

Run like your tampon string is on fire! 🏃🏻‍♀️

Grobagsforever · 25/09/2019 19:47

He's not anxious he's just trying to train you never to do anything he doesn't like. Repulsive. RUN

SirVixofVixHall · 25/09/2019 19:47

How old is he OP ? He sounds like a student !
Agree, life is too short, give him the heave-ho before your confidence ends up on the floor.

couldntcareless · 25/09/2019 19:49

I suffer from anxiety which has seen me in the past break up with men as I can't stand the constant overthinking and worrying. However, the things he is saying to you "I would never have gone for you, you're not my type" etc is him testing your boundaries and putting you down. Please don't put up with this. It's such early days and if a guy you had been with for ten years was saying these things to you, my advice would still be the same, tell him to get to fuck and move on.

You can find a guy that has absolutely no mental health issues and that is 100 percent sure they want to be with you.

Techway · 25/09/2019 19:54

but explained I wanted to be there for him and would help best I could

Are you a trained MH professional because even if you are you shouldn't mix helping someone with being in a relationship.

He sounds like he is testing your boundaries, seeing what you will tolerate. Have you been treated poorly before because you seem willing to let him treat you badly.

Please don't think you can fix or heal him.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 25/09/2019 20:14

Run, he sounds like a total bell end.

DonKeyshot · 25/09/2019 20:25

Obviously I can't be annoyed with the situation

Of course you can be annoyed! You should be spitting feathers rightfully and justifiably annoyed at this vacillating arsewipe who is very definitely making a massive mug out of you.

FGS bin him and work on your self-respect before you let another self-absorbed twat take advantage of your emotional neediness.

DonKeyshot · 25/09/2019 20:36

Btw, he's not "super cute" and continually banging on about the tortured workings of his allegedly indecisive mind puts him the category of "super boring".

I have no doubt you can do a lot better than this loser. Get to it!

TimeForNewStart · 25/09/2019 21:02

You can’t fix him!

BunnyKelly · 25/09/2019 23:28

Speaking as a man with anxiety that has a significant affect on my life, confidence and behaviour at times - run an absolute mile from this one.

Completely unacceptable behaviour.

MontanaSky · 26/09/2019 07:39

Anxiety doesn't give someone the right to treat you like crap.

Being single would feel better than in this are we/aren't we - walking on eggshells and second guessing everything situation.

You deserve better!!

loveyoutothemoon · 26/09/2019 08:05

He'll drag you down..