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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In need of new relationship advice... anxiety or just not that into me?

40 replies

Keliza1993 · 25/09/2019 19:09

Hi! So I'm very new to this site but have an issue I would really appreciate some advice on!!

So me and this guy have been dating for about 2 months and he asked me to be his girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. I was really happy, we get on well, he's super cute and everything seemed peachy.

THEN.

He was round my place when all of a sudden he got pretty snappy and argumentative, this seemed really out of character so I was concerned but he said he was fine and ended up going home... no worries I guess he was just in an 'off mood' so I thought I'd let it blow over. Didn't really think anything of it.

The next day he said he couldn't see me anymore. He suffers from terrible anxiety that comes and goes. So, for instance, he could be fine for months, then all of a sudden the anxiety will creep back in and make him overthink everything. He explained it like this... he could be thinking about his job/family/new relationship etc and a voice in his head will try and convince him that hes better off without any of it. With regards to me, he said he didn't know if it was fair to 'drag' me through it all with him. I was obviously very upset but explained I wanted to be there for him and would help best I could. I care about him a lot, it really upset me to hear this was the way he'd been feeling.

Anyway he basically said nope that's it, we're over. Then he shows up at my house at midnight apologizing. Next day, he's not sure again - looks like its over again. Next day, nope I'm sorry I didn't mean it I do actually want to be with you... etc etc this has been going on for about 2 weeks now.

Obviously I can't be annoyed with the situation because I guess its the anxiety taking over and not him, and I promised I'd be there for him. However, a couple of things he's said have concerned me. I'm starting to wonder if it is the anxiety or is he just not that into me...

For instance yesterday he said 'sometimes you do things that make me think you're not the kind of girl I'm into and I wonder if I like you or not, but then I tell myself its the anxiety'. He also found an old photo of me (I've lost about 2 stone over the past couple of years so look different to my older photos) and said 'I never would have gone for you, I sometimes don't know if you're my type (along the lines of that)'. Most concerning, he messaged me saying... 'I might delete social media because maybe its not good to see things that aren't actually real or seeing things that make me think 'oh maybe I want to be single so I can sleep about or try this and try that even though I probably wouldn't' (those are his exact words via a text message).

Now don't get me wrong, he calls me gorgeous, says I'm a nice person etc.. but I can't help but feel ugly sometimes and totally undesired.

I feel like it seems unfair to jump to the conclusion that he's 'messing' me about as he's explained to me how bad his anxiety is. I feel awful for second guessing. But I can't help but think... am I being a massive mug? Does he even like me that much? Now I've typed it all out I don't really know what to think... can anxiety have this impact on new relationships? I would really appreciate some advice on this I'm at a loss :(

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 26/09/2019 08:12

Bin him forthwith. He reminds me of an ex who cancelled a date with me then phoned an hour later saying he was bored and could I come over.

I said well you're messing me about here. He said hang on I thought this wasn't meant to be anything serious.

Twat. You don't just treat people like crap because you aren't at the serious stage. Nor do you dangle a 'serious stage' like a reward for putting up with it.

Thank you next.

siantwinmum · 26/09/2019 08:18

You should never be made to feel anything less than perfect. Ditch him! He's blaming everything on his anxiety, which isn't fair (or right!). Find the man who makes you feel sexy, beautiful, happy - anything other than the way you're feeling right now x

drivingtofrance · 26/09/2019 08:23

Dump him

He's not enhancing your life.

Elmo311 · 26/09/2019 08:35

Not worth the hassle, ditch him and find someone who you don't have to think "is he into me?" Because you just know!
Life is too short to deal with blokes like this. It does sound like he's setting you up for him cheating on you, it also sounds like now he's got you he isn't as interested anymore and is looking for a way out, give him one.

If this was your friend, or daughter what would you tell them? Do that.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/09/2019 08:43

am I being a massive mug?
Ummmmm.... YEP!!!
RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 26/09/2019 09:00

OP this is how women find themselves in abusive relationships and look back to this sort of behaviour and wish they left then. As others have said, he's testing your boundaries to see whether you are willing to put up with his bullshit/abuse (I.e establishing whether you will be a good victim). He is also devaluing you by putting you down, managing your expectations and trying to make you jealous/triangulate you by talking about the possibility of sleeping with other women. All of this in the first couple of months when it is supposed to be breezy and fun and dicking you about for 2 weeks, fuck that!! He is showing you a nice/nasty cycle which is a hallmark of all abusive relationships, it has nothing to do with anxiety.

I guarantee this will only get worse and who knows what he is capable of. Dont fall for the trap of chasing the 'nice' him in the beginning. That was an act and this is the real him you are seeing now.

Dump, block and delete by text and prepare yourself for a hoover/harrassment campaign as this is what he is doing already after he discards you but you always take him back. I worry he will turn nasty when you actually say no to him.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 26/09/2019 09:17

I think 'romantic' movies have sold women the lie that men who treat you like garbage are really just tortured souls and that we should be won over by them turning up outside the house at midnight professing they 'made a mistake'. The reality is that he is crossing some serious boundaries by turning up like this and changing his mind every 5 minutes. My guess would be that he has more than one woman on the go and if those plans don't pan out then he pops over to yours and all is forgiven.

I dated a narcissist and broke up with him for similar reasons you listed. He proceeded to bombard me with unwanted gifts and turning up at my house unannounced. This went on for 6 months!!! I didnt think this was 'sweet', I reported him for harrassment. If he turns up again, tell him to fuck off (by text), don't answer the door and tell him if he doesnt leave you'll ring the police.

MotherofDogs3 · 26/09/2019 09:41

I suffer with bad anxiety and i hate to say it but this guys having you on... im not saying he doesn't have anxiety but at the moment hes just using it as an excuse to treat you like crap! You sound like a lovely person and trust me you deserve better. His nasty comments are not due to his anxiety he is just chosing to make you feel like your not good enough for him and assuming he can do better. Im sure this is having an effect on your confidence and making you feel insecure and if its not yet it will do. I know you like him but get out now while you can and find someone worth investing in xx

Greyhound22 · 26/09/2019 10:10

You shouldn't be having to 'be there' for someone you have been seeing for 8 weeks.

Absolutely not worth the hassle - dump and block.

BrightonRox · 26/09/2019 11:01

Too needy and too much like hard work. Bin him.

happycamper11 · 26/09/2019 11:11

There's a lot more than anxiety going on here, he's a mean and manipulative arse. Keeping you guessing and chipping away at your confidence is emotional abuse. Get out now

HelenUrth · 26/09/2019 11:17

"Obviously I can't be annoyed with the situation because I guess its the anxiety taking over and not him"

You can, and always should, be very annoyed when someone treats you like shit.
At just 2 months in this arsehole is setting you up to be abused whenever he feels like it, having trained you to think it's not him, it's his "illness". Nasty piece of work.

Interestedwoman · 26/09/2019 13:55

The things he's saying about you and about social media or whatever are unacceptable. Even if it is anxiety, you don't want this to be something you put up with on and off for life. You don't even describe him as exceptional the rest of the time, so there's not much in it for you. On to the next. You can get someone better.

ChristmasFluff · 26/09/2019 20:08

This is not anxiety and it isn't neediness. This is the beginnings of a controlling relationship.

Just no.

crappyday2018 · 26/09/2019 20:11

Sorry this is not anxiety. He's just a dick.

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