Limerance/husband's crush on someone else

[greenwitch1]

From looking online it seems like this is more common than I thought! I'm not stupid, I know that you don't stop being attracted to other people just because you're in a relationship/married - it's just not a nice feeling knowing that your other half feels that way about someone else, is it?

My husband has a 'thing' for someone he sees occasionally through work. She lives hundreds of miles away so it's not on a daily basis or anything like that, just occasional work events. I've been reading about limerence all day and it rings so true! It's like he developed a little obsession with her, I know he's spent a fair bit of time looking at her social media and stuff like that.

Please don't tell me 'leave him, he's almost certainly physically cheated' etc. I know he hasn't. I will no doubt sound naive, but trust me I know he hasn't. I am also 99% certain that she doesn't even know how he feels, if she does then she's definitely not interested.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking here. I just want to know how to get past this, why does it bother me so much? We've had some issues in our relationship the last year or so which we've been working on but on the whole we've been happy for a long time. 2 kids, fairly nice life. But for some reason I'm just REALLY hurt by it. I know how stupid that sounds - I've even said above I know it's normal to fancy other people. But I just feel so betrayed! Like how dare he bloody look at anyone else when I do so fucking much for him. It's on my mind all the time. When he's looking thoughtful I'm wondering if he's thinking about her, etc. I know I sound completely ridiculous!

He's been totally open about it by the way - he told me he likes her, just gets on with her and clicked with her a bit but is happy with me and loves me, and would never act on any feelings.

Again, it's absolutely NOT my concern that anything physical has happened, I'm not worried about that at all. It's just made me feel a bit shit about myself to be quite honest, not sure how to give my head a wobble and move past this.

I honestly think this is very common, you just have an husband who is open about it.

My DH has always been the same. I know he adores me, is happily married etc, but he openly has a pretty serious crush on a friend of ours. And, in the past, he's had similar infatuations.

Depends where your boundaries are, I guess. I made it clear what hurts me and what I can live with, and he's completely respected it.

I'd rather he was like this, than sneaking around having secret affairs like a lot of men I know.

I completely get having a crush on a celebrity, joking with partner that this person in street, tv show etc is good looking. But having an open crush with someone and staring at them on social media that you actually know and have some form of connection with is really weird imho!!

My and my partner have been together for 5 years and occasionally jokingly be like oh damn that person is good looking or something woman and men but we'd never do it to someone we actually knew and look them up on the internet.

Maybe I am weird but that sounds really sinister? what happens when they're alone together that one time..

I am assuming you're not the jealous type and have blown this up to more than this is by the way

I had a crush on someone at work once. I was blown away by her. It didn’t last. She left and that was that. I didn’t want to feel
Like that but I did. He has been very open! I kept mine to myself and it blew over. Nothing. ever happened or was even close to happening. I don’t think she even knew.

Perhaps this is the same. No one wants to hear that though.

I honestly think this is very common, you just have an husband who is open about it

Yep, too bloody honest sometimes

I know he adores me, is happily married etc

See this is how I always felt and now it's made me actually doubt how he feels about me! I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous but I can't help it. It's really shaken my confidence - although I know I'm attractive (well I scrub up ok lol) it's made me really critical of myself and my 'mum body' (she's younger and has no children)

I'd rather he was like this, than sneaking around having secret affairs like a lot of men I know

Oh god absolutely me too, 100%. I'm glad he told me, but I also wish he hadn't!

@dad2hen yeah we've always been the same about joking about people who are fit etc, it's never bothered me at all before.

I'm not really concerned that anything will happen if they did end up alone together (though I don't think they ever really are). Though yeah I won't lie that I'm human and in moments of insecurity it's crossed my mind, but on the whole, no - I trust him not to act on anything.

I am assuming you're not the jealous type and have blown this up to more than this is by the way

Haha - up until now, no I've never been the jealous type! Always been quite confident and as I said above - always felt like my husband adored me and I've suddenly lost that feeling and it's made me really sad all of a sudden it's driving me mad with jealousy and I hate it as this isn't like me at all.

@SidJamesLaugh thank you. Hopefully the same will happen here. Can I ask you, was it more of a physical attraction (like you wanted to shag her - lol) or more that you just kind of 'clicked'? And did it ever make you doubt your feelings for your wife/partner?

I think it's a bit self-indulgent and pointless to be open about these things actually. If he hardly sees her and has no intention of being unfaithful, why on earth mention it? Crushes are commonplace and usually short-lived. Why bother your husband/wife with them?

You need to tell him how you feel, though. If he's going to be honest, you need to be absolutely bluntly honest back. Ask him to out himself in your position - if you felt like that, how would he feel?

DH and I have been over this many times. It's actually made for a far stronger relationship, but it took honesty from me too.

lazy my DH just blurts out whatever is in his head. He couldn't keep quiet about it if he tried.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all to feel like this! Yes, everyone notices good looking people whether they are married or not, but it is really unkind and unfair of him to rub your nose in it like this.

You don't need to give your head a wobble, you need to ask yourself why you are putting up with him treating you like this.

Physical mainly although we did get on well too which may have intensified it. No it never made me doubt things at home but I couldn’t help the way I felt at the time. I struggled to turn it off until she left when it fizzled out.

You don't sound ridiculous at all OP! Your post is full of stuff about how you shouldn't feel this way, but I think it would be weird NOT to feel how you're feeling! I'd be gutted personally.

I'm not saying LTB by the way. It sounds like the two of you will be able to get through this, but I think you need to accept that you will involve you feeling angry and upset and sharing those feelings with him. You're being far too nice and reasonable at the moment!

I too think it is a huge positive that you're so open and honest with each other and would try and take some comfort and security from that.

I also agree that this is something you didn't need to know! He could have spared you the suffering, acted like a grown up and done his best to ignore his feelings.

In a serious relationship I had in the past, I had a major crush on someone else in which nothing ever happened (despite the fact it was mutual) and I look back and only think how ridiculous it was! I'm glad I didn't tell my partner at the time as they would have got upset for nothing.

You either have to brazen it out, maybe even privately joke about it to make light of it without belittling him or be honest and tell him it's made you feel utterly pants. I'm guessing he's not the sort of chap to think less of you for feeling how you do? No one should by the way OP. I would 100% feel the same as you do which is why I never blabbed to my ex!

Theres a huge difference between limerence and a crush.

Quite often those experiencing limerence, have a history of mental health problems. Theres been several threads here. Even a limerence post and most said they had suffered with different forms of mental illness. Does that sound like your husband?

There was even a limerence support thread, that actually turned quite sinister because it was just a bunch of people egging eachother on.

I am not so sure it's a good thing he told you. There was a poster quite recently, experiencing limerance. He was married and told her he wasnt interested. She was convinced he was. She kept posting here, clearly liking the drama of talking about wether he liked her back or not. She even went so far to tell her husband. Again revelling in the drama this whole thing was causing. Then she would post about how hee husband was struggling to get passed it, again wanting to discuss it further.

Limerence and a crush are very different.

Why are you glad he told you?

Just tell him how this has made you feel.

He isn’t shy about being honest with you so you need to let him know that his behaviour has had an affect on your feelings for him.

Um Limerence isn't a good thing. Have you read about it? It can last years to a decade.

"Limerence is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated."

I do hope he doesn't do anything stupid OP

Ugh I've no idea why he told me to be honest. We'd been having a few relationship issues (basically we'd stopped putting time/effort in with each other so things had gone quite strained) and it all came to a head where we talked about splitting up. However we both didnt want to and that was when we sat and talked it all out and he just said he wanted to be completely honest - in a way I'd got a feeling anyway, I always have a bit of a sixth sense about these things. That's why I'm partly glad he told me, because at least then I knew I wasnt imagining it/going mad!

Thank you @buca

But yeah part of me also wishes he'd never said anything

You need to tell him how you feel, though. If he's going to be honest, you need to be absolutely bluntly honest back. Ask him to out himself in your position - if you felt like that, how would he feel?

Oh he knows how I feel, it's been talked about a LOT. I couldnt keep quiet about how I felt because it upset me so much. Each time, he's said he was stupid for saying anything and I'm his wife, it'll always be me who he loves and wants to be with.

Thank you @Bucatini

Quite often those experiencing limerence, have a history of mental health problems. Theres been several threads here. Even a limerence post and most said they had suffered with different forms of mental illness. Does that sound like your husband?

Funnily enough yes it does actually. As I said above I'd had a niggle something wasnt right and then a while back he admitted he was depressed. It's been a bit of a nightmare to be honest. As for why am I glad he told me - as above really. I guess a) because now I know I wasnt going mad, and b) I suppose I'd rather this than him be having a secret affair behind my back. I'd like to think he'd never be capable of that, and I do trust him, but equally I'm not naive and I've been on mumsnet long enough to know that a lot of other wives also thought that about their husband

@RJoneszy yeah I read that earlier today. I know, it's not ideal. But in a weird way I'm also a bit relieved to have a name for this?! God knows why. I tend to really overthink things, it's awful. Thank you - I'm hoping this will be the end of it. Just hope it kind of fizzles out in his mind as it's done for other posters on here.

Bless you OP. you sound lovely. I hope it works out for you.

However I think he has cause more damage than he knows.

You are not being ridiculous. Your relationship has been strained and you’ve talked of splitting...and it just so happens that your H is ‘a bit obsessed’ with another woman that he ‘clicks’ with.

Of course you are very upset. What were you supposed to do with the news that his head has been turned? He has unsettled you, and has created even more emotional distance between you. I would absolutely feel betrayed.

What steps is he taking to distance himself from her? He needs to cut contact whenever possible. Have they been messaging? His trawling and drooling over her social media is highly disrespectful to you. He is crossing a line.

I would not tolerate this in my marriage, and would tell him that I needed space to consider my options.

“ompletely get having a crush on a celebrity, joking with partner that this person in street, tv show etc is good looking. But having an open crush with someone and staring at them on social media that you actually know and have some form of connection with is really weird imho!! “

100% this

I can tell you from experience it’s incredibly hurtful. I found out 11 years after it happened as he had a stash of songs/poems, all about wanting to be with them etc. This is someone he frequently had trips abroad with as part of work etc and they texted an awful lot. I have no evidence she was aware at all and she was very young, he was 41 at the time. H was mortified I found all the stuff. To be honest it changed my feelings and certainly I decided to get a life where it wasn’t all about him. It’s extremely upsetting OP, make sure he knows how upsetting you found it. We can all have crushes but they should remain in your head and I acted on in any way unless single.

Had you considered that your relationship has been "strained" recently because of his fixation on another woman ?

At best, hasn't been fully present because he has been mooning over her like some lovesick teenager. At worst, he has distanced himself from you so he can justify something he has done or wants to do.

Neither of those scenarios signify the mindset of someone who "adores" his wife. You are currently the easy landing. I wouldn't be tolerating that for one minute and I question the self respect of anyone who would.

I wouldn't mind if my DH confessed to having a crush on someone unattainable like Jennifer Aniston, for example. But if he admitted to being infatuated with someone he actually knew, I would find it difficult to deal with. I would forever be wondering if she suddenly became available and interested, where would that leave me? Would his feelings remain a fantasy or would he act on them?

Oh and limerance is a really disturbing disorder, as the long-running thread, now deleted, showed. Really unpleasant, intrusive and obsessive behaviour, normalised by those in the throes of the condition.

I think you have very mixed views here. How do you think he would react if you where doing the exact same thing?

I wouldn't be impressed at the fact that your relationship was so strained that you discussed splitting and then he's telling you all about another woman he's attracted to (but pacifying it by telling you you're the only one for him). He doesn't need to tell you that, he should be working on building your relationship up, not making you possibly feel insecure or jealous. I'm not naive enough to think my husband never looks at anyone else, but I really don't need it shoved in my face. I don't want to know.

Particularly poignant at the moment because my friend's husband of 30 years has just left her for the woman at work that he "had a connection/attraction" to.