Limerance/husband's crush on someone else

[greenwitch1]

From looking online it seems like this is more common than I thought! I'm not stupid, I know that you don't stop being attracted to other people just because you're in a relationship/married - it's just not a nice feeling knowing that your other half feels that way about someone else, is it?

My husband has a 'thing' for someone he sees occasionally through work. She lives hundreds of miles away so it's not on a daily basis or anything like that, just occasional work events. I've been reading about limerence all day and it rings so true! It's like he developed a little obsession with her, I know he's spent a fair bit of time looking at her social media and stuff like that.

Please don't tell me 'leave him, he's almost certainly physically cheated' etc. I know he hasn't. I will no doubt sound naive, but trust me I know he hasn't. I am also 99% certain that she doesn't even know how he feels, if she does then she's definitely not interested.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking here. I just want to know how to get past this, why does it bother me so much? We've had some issues in our relationship the last year or so which we've been working on but on the whole we've been happy for a long time. 2 kids, fairly nice life. But for some reason I'm just REALLY hurt by it. I know how stupid that sounds - I've even said above I know it's normal to fancy other people. But I just feel so betrayed! Like how dare he bloody look at anyone else when I do so fucking much for him. It's on my mind all the time. When he's looking thoughtful I'm wondering if he's thinking about her, etc. I know I sound completely ridiculous!

He's been totally open about it by the way - he told me he likes her, just gets on with her and clicked with her a bit but is happy with me and loves me, and would never act on any feelings.

Again, it's absolutely NOT my concern that anything physical has happened, I'm not worried about that at all. It's just made me feel a bit shit about myself to be quite honest, not sure how to give my head a wobble and move past this.

Had you considered that your relationship has been "strained" recently because of his fixation on another woman?

Yes. I'm pretty sure we were a bit strained before this crush thing, but yes it's hard to know what actually came first.

I would forever be wondering if she suddenly became available and interested, where would that leave me? Would his feelings remain a fantasy or would he act on them?

Yes this is what I'm struggling to deal with. He assures me he's never had any intention of acting on it, and he knows just how lucky he is to have what he has with me! But how will I ever know? I won't, will I. I'll never know for sure. So my options are either believe him and try to make it work, or torture myself forever wondering. Or end it, of course.

How do you think he would react if you where doing the exact same thing?

Oh he'd hate it! He's admitted that! When we were talking about it, I mentioned how everyone fancies other people at some point and I mentioned how I fancied someone at one point - he HATED it and quizzed me about it, about whether I'd messaged him or anything like that. That was when I told him to put himself in my shoes and imagine how I'd felt (and no, I never messaged this guy inappropriately or anything - he was a friend, but I reduced contact and backed off and eventually my 'crush' fizzled out).

Oh and no, he doesn't really message her. There's occasional ones to do with work and that's it. Like I said, I'm pretty sure she has no idea and I'm pretty sure she wouldnt be interested anyway. But obviously that doesn't really help me because as a PP above said, what if she had been?

The worse thing about this is I used to be so confident and now this has absolutely floored me. My self esteem has taken a complete kicking! He gives me a lot of compliments and has said repeatedly he would never want to pursue anything with anyone else and he knows how lucky he is to have me. But it's all just words isn't it...

Get a crush of your own? It's a bit u to expect him never to have another crush ever again. Maybe you nees to just relax a bit and take life as it comes. If he does meet someone else for real one day, or if you do, maybe that's just the way life goes. Fo you really think human beings can be 100% monogamous in heart mind and body for 60 odd years of marriage? I'm not sure most of us are made that way.

Hi op.

If my husband told me that he had a crush on someone else I would be devastated. For me, it would signify the beginning of the end. How could I live with being 2nd best?

There again I am an ‘all or nothing’ type.

Yes married people can look and think ‘hey they’re attractive’...but no, I don’t think it’s ok to start opening mooning after others.

Sorry you’re going through this op!

The worse thing about this is I used to be so confident and now this has absolutely floored me. My self esteem has taken a complete kicking!

He has done this to you. For what ? The point of marriage is that it should be a safe haven. It should enrich your life. My hisband has never made me feel the way you do...he would no longer be my husband if he did. What is the point ? All you have now is distrust and fear. That is not a marriage.

Openly, not opening 🙄

I don't think it is normal to properly fancy someone else while you're in a relationship. Or if you do it's a sign that there's something not quite right or there's something missing for him.

I think it's really unreasonable for him to tell you about it. What reason could he possibly have when he knows it's not going to make you feel happy?

I'm going through something similar. DH think it isn't a big deal and just wants to sweep it under the carpet.

I've been feeling devastated for about 6 months over it. Think it might have wrecked our marriage.

I think it’s bollocks and downright nasty to tell your partner you fancy someone else , theres just nothing to be gained from it . Who the hell does he think he is . Hi w would he be if you were lusting over some younger man without a dad bod . We all look a little it’s just so disrespectful to say it out loud .

My DH of 36 years sit in a coffee shop occasionally - and the conversation goes like this Me - Ok. Find someone you’d ‘do’.
Him - ok. How long have I got?
Me - 5 mins. Go!

We sit in silence til either of us sees a member of the opposite sex that ticks our boxes.

Funnily enough, I usually see someone first, or I’ll say ‘bit young , wonder what his dad looks like!’

It passes the time. DH rarely finds anyone.

Perhaps it’s me but in my mind there is a massive difference between thinking that someone else is attractive and actually fancying them enough that you imagine snogging and shagging them.

I have thought work colleagues etc were attractive in the past... but imagining snogging them? No.

I’m sorry OP. I agree with others I am not sure why he told you to be honest, and I’m not surprised you are hurt.

bipbopbee - Yes!
It's normal to find other people attractive, but crushes don't just develop by themselves - they need feeding.
My DP had an emotional affair with someone that he was attracted to, because he pursued the attraction. Contriving to be where she was, etc. He thought about having an affair, which meant that he imagined kissing her, sleeping with her. He could have stopped it right from the start if he hadn't fed it.
SO hurtful.
Sorry Op, it sounds shit.

I’m sorry supersop60

I developed a huge attraction to another very good looking man. The difference was he was on the telly and I wasn't ever going to lucky enough to end up in bed with him in this lifetime. I always knew he wasn't a real person. Another thing I did know was it
was a symptom of my unhappiness with my marriage. I'm sorry but if you have previously discussed splitting up and now he's developing serious attractions to young woman then your relationship sounds in hot water. Why did he tell you?
He sounds selfish and self absorbed. What did he think he would gain by this? And don't believe any of his crap about never acting on it. I'm sure if he had a chance to take it further he would.

There's a huge difference between thinking someone on the telly or a random person in a coffee shop is hot and having a crush on someone that starts to distance you from your wife or husband. The two aren't comparable at all.

Ewww. This gives me the creeps. My ex's best female friend had limerance towards him for years. I didn't feel threatened as he didn't feel the same. Well, let me tell you that feelings can change.

The skank tried so hard to get with him when we had just had a baby, hung around like a bad smell every weekend, saw we were weak as a couple from the stresses of a new born, I had PND, walked out, and instead of trying to help me, he clung to her for support and now... voila! They're in a relationship.

Please be careful.

It’s all very well fancying other people, after all we’re all just human, the thing is is that he should be subtle about it although maybe he feels like because he’s being honest then that’s good enough, at least he’s not planning on making a move on her otherwise he wouldn’t have mentioned that he liked her.

My ex and I used to have conversations about who we thought was attractive out of each other’s friends but we were never hurt from one another about it because it was all so honest and we knew we were into one another.

Sorry I didn't come back to this for a few days.

Lots of different opinions and I appreciate them all, thanks. Still struggling to get my head around what's OK and what's not.

@Borntobeamum that made me laugh. I think it's great that you both do that. That's the type of thing we do normally, we've always had a bit of a joke about other people we find attractive and there's never been jealousy about it. Unfortunately this has made me a lot more insecure and jealous than I ever used to be.

@Grafittiqueen I'm so sorry. Yep this is literally me. It's completely turned our marriage/relationship upside down to be honest. I'm glad it's not just me - sorry that sounds awful, I don't mean I'm glad it's happening to you! But just glad there's someone else out there who knows what I'm going through. PM me to talk about it if you like? (I would PM you but I couldn't work out how).

I totally get how some of you say it's not acceptable and it would be the end for you. But the fact is, he has NOT physically cheated on me. All he has done is fancy someone else and unfortunately been a bit too honest about it. I know I'm probably a bit guilty of trying to minimise this a little but equally, is it really something I should break up my family over? Because he told me he fancied someone else but didn't do anything about it because he loves me? I actually love this man and apart from this, we've had a good relationship, we get on well, we make each other laugh.

I'm not arguing/disagreeing, just venting my thoughts really. I do think this happens more than we think it's just normally the person who fancies someone else keeps quiet about it and they're not stupidly honest like my husband like I said above I'm glad he's been honest but yeah, I'm starting to wish he'd not said a word about this particular thing, because it's proving SO much harder to get over than I thought it would. It's made me realise that I absolutely 100% would never be able to forgive physical cheating. I actually really respect people who are able to, but I think for my own sanity/mental health I just wouldnt be able to do it.

Have PM'd you greenwitch.

Without wanting to sound negative I think your worries are reasonable.

When I was with my exH I had all sorts.of crushes, there's a reason why he's my exH . The same goes for my DH he had a massive crush on someone when he was still married to his ex.

Crushes can be symptomatic of something else.