What's so good about it all?

[BobbyDazzler99]

I really don't enjoy life. What is there to enjoy?

I'm a SAHM with 3 dcs.

My dcs are fine. I love them. Look after them. They are well nourished and loved. They can be challenging like all children but all manageable so far. Touches wood.

I've never had any formal training in any kind of career.

I have worked in a design agency as an account manager and I was just winging it.

I did some freelance work in that field too. That was okay. It fitted in well with dcs. That's dried up now.

I find no joy or pleasure or anything to look forward to.

I wish I could but I feel like life is so empty and because I'm nearly 50 and I'm such a loser who is incapable of doing anything beyond hoovering. What a loser and an embarrassment.

I don't want to volunteer or do anything like that.

I just wonder why I am not a success at all. Why I don't feel I am capable of going for anything.

I have two degrees, good A levels. But everyone else seems to have gone on to great things. Not me.

What is the point of my being here? I'm not any of real use making any difference to anyone really. I'm just consuming food and oxygen. Just being. Whatever for?

This isn't meant to be a pity party. I'm feeling quite cold and clinical about all this.

I can't be the only one.

Have you spoken to your doctor about depression op? It sounds like you're extremely bored, which can actually have the weird effect of making you have no energy to do anything, and that boredom can have impacted on your mental health.

Why wouldn't you volunteer? You would be making a useful contribution and doing something worthwhile.

I just don't want to volunteer. That's all.

Volunteering is always presented as this panacea to various problems.

Bored maybe.

But I can see no way out of my circumstances really.

What does a nearly 50 year old do when there is no chance of training. Or finding a career.

You may be near 50 now but you are not to old to learn.

How long have you felt like this, when did all this start?.

And you are not a loser, far from it. Would you consider speaking to the GP about how you are feeling?.

The GP will just propose pills. I don't want pills. That will only mask things.

Seriously, please tell me what makes you happy?

What makes things worthwhile?

Yes the dcs. But I can't live life through them.

I've felt like this since university really. When I applied for roles and training schemes and didn't get on any of them.

So I temped and temped and temped and eventually got a job after temping with a design agency but I wasn't any good really. I didn't have a clue what I was going. Or understand what I was doing.

Met dh. He's very successful. Had dcs. Worked a bit as a freelancer. They was okay. Still mugging it though. That's dried up now.

So heigh ho. I don't want to feel like this. I just do.

I'm even shit at housework. But I don't mind being shit at that. I keep doing it though. 😁

I'm everything my mother warned me about. Loser.

I often think the same OP.
What is the point of ME????
Who knows. But I'm here.
I've not really achieved much either to be honest.
Not many people get to do the job they aspire to or love.
Most of us get by.
I'm here because I need to help my dad out with my mum. Give him some sanity.
My DD would be devastated if I wasn't here.
I guess I'm looking forward to grand children.
But I do believe a lot of people like you do.
There's nothing wrong with that.
I mean... what is the point to any of us?
We are all killing the planet.
The human race will not survive - the earth will.
We are the only animals that the earth could do without.
But there you go.

OP, many women find that once they’re through the menopause they get a new lease of life and energy.
You may simply be in the fatigue/depression/insomnia/mid life crisis grip of the worst menopause
years.
I echo PPs who suggest seeing your GP, but I would also like you to look at your life the other way round.
Not at what you can’t do, or haven’t done, but more positively at what you can and have. You have run a home and raised children successfully, you have juggled multiple people’s needs, you have budgeted, you have resolved conflicts, you have cooked, crafted and cleaned.
That’s quite a set of transferable skills! And you still have 30 years of life expectancy ahead of you. I doubt you want to spend all 30 merely feeling you are a redundant parent or housewife?
Think about what you’d actually LIKE to do. A hobby, sport, craft or interest. A study course that you never got round to. Or a job (paid or voluntary) that you think might be interesting. Don’t write yourself off as too old- that’s just defeatist and prevents you even trying.
Some firms actively recruit older staff as they find them reliable and better motivated, with higher social skills facing customers or clients.
Take the chance to reevaluate your life and plan the next exciting stage!
Good luck OP.

Ddogs op.
That's what keep me going.
Beach walks to clear my head.
I am 48 and no career, menial job but time for dc.
Tried the gym, felt worse tbh.
Keeping focused on getting dc to adult hood and having a great relationship with them always is my goal.

OP I really sympathise with you. I felt like you do at around the same age (bit older.) Literally no joy in anything at all in life. It's a pernicious form of depression called anhedonia and it's bloody frightening.
I decided to do stuff, regardless. I didn't have to want to, didn't have to enjoy it while I was there or be glad I'd done it afterwards. I just had to do it. The only rule was that it had to be something new that I'd not done before. Anything at all.
I spent a year trying new fitness classes, new foods and drinks, new cafes, visiting new places, volunteering for local community ventures and a food bank, learning new skills, talking to new people, dragging myself out to events, films, shows etc and listening to new music.
I kept a journal most days - at least 2-3 times a week, keepiong track of what I was doing. For three months I felt nothing at all. Then I started to slightly enjoy a few things. By July I was enjoying more things and by September I was having one of the best years of my life.

I really recommend doing this.
Get yourself a journal or open a private blog.
Make a list in it of everything you ever wanted to do, even if you don't want to any more. Include stuff you wanted to do in childhood but never did. Include small, easily achievable things like 'walk down that lane I always wonder where it leads when I drive past it' and big things like 'Visit Vietnam' etc. Look online at bucket lists (especially those of peri and menopausal women, not twenty something blokes) and add anything that might appeal if you weren't in such a sour mood with life.
Then do some of the easy ones. One hting a day. One slightly more ambitious or effortful thing a week.
If you honestly can't think of any, just make some changes to routine. Buy a different scented shower gel, hand cream, a different flavour of tea or biscuit etc. A veg or fruit you've not eaten before. Be really stubborn and stick at it, even if you see no lift in mood. Make a note in your diary of what you did and how it was.
Also add in your diary things you are grateful for: DC's health, roof over your head etc. List at least three things a day and try to add something new each day.
With any of the bigger dreams (e.g. long haul holiday) make plans for them - look at maps, accommodation, highlights to visit and start planning an itinerary and setting up a savings account.
Doing something new every day is almost free. It's instantly doable. It can't harm.

I second speaking to your GP about depression.

For me, I do volunteer. It makes me happy; makes me see that things are worthwhile; it benefits other people and makes a positive contribution to a world when it feels like so many are just taking from it. I'd be interested to understand why you are so against it, tbh.

Also hobbies - I play in two bands and that, along with working p/t (not through choice), voluntering and being a single parent, doesn't leave much time for anything else (or boredom!)

Oh and spend time outside in nature. It kind of puts things into perspective, I find.

And GPs don't just advocate pills. They can refer you for talking therapies instead which can help you unpick why you're feeling this way and lead you to your own solutions.

Do not keep on growing flowers in the hole here. Dig your way out!!!.

Pills are not the sole answer here; talking will also help. Would you consider talking to someone directly, even the GP to start with or if not that person a helpline like the sort that MIND offer?.

I reckon your children and husband would not describe you as a loser and not good at anything.

You've used that word "loser" more than once to describe you; was that word uttered by your mother to you a lot when you were growing up?. BTW you are not a loser, far from it but its one thing for me to tell you that you're not but quite another to believe it for your own self.

My late teens and early 20s were awful and I honestly felt like at times I was six feet under and screaming into a void. A feeling of just existing, chronic loneliness and a job that was at times v difficult in terms of horrible people to work with never helped either. I certainly know what its like to feel that no-one is properly listening and you have no-one supportive around you. But my life got better over time, things changed (the horrid people for a start left) and even in the darkest of days I found some peace and happiness in all living things around me.

Volunteering is always presented as this panacea to various problems.

That's because it gets you out of the house; enables you to engage with others; utilises and developed your existing skills and new ones; provides opportunities and stops you wallowing.

I go through periods of feeling like this. I'm probably a similar age and have two nearly adult children. I work full-time but don't find it terribly rewarding.

In the past I've taken ADs but like you say @BobbyDazzler99 all they do is paper over the cracks, all the underlying issues are still there.

I've had therapy for the last two years, which is helping a bit.

I've also finally found a sport that I really enjoy and I've joined a club, so I do it regularly. That really, really helps.

I date - mostly unsuccessfully but I do it. I'm not sure if that helps or not.

I feel so mentally drained a lot of the time, that finding the energy to push myself to do new stuff, volunteer and all the other shit that people love to trot out as the panacea to these feelings is just a step too far.

Anyway, no great insights but just wanted you to know you are not alone.

The reason people suggest volunteering is it is a way to help others, and feel valuable in yourself. You clearly dint value yourself.
You also sound like you aren't willing to make changes, so you will likely continue to feel this way.

@AttilaTheMeerkat my mum would never call me a loser.

She did tell me never to be reliant on a man financially and to always go for anything regardless of my age.

I think that's why I'm so horribly disappointed in myself. And zero confidence.

I have dogs. Four of them. And I walk them for 90 minutes every day. I feel marginally better afterwards.

We've recently moved from a rural to a more urban environment so I'm finding the dogs challenging and very demanding for some reason.

I really don't want to volunteer. I did that for a bereavement charity for about 9 months and whilst I was happy to help out, I found I was even lower than before.

I do want to change things. I just don't know how.

Thanks so so much for listening and for your generous posts. Thank you.

I can see why a bereavement charity might not help you feel happier.

I've done mentoring for young people classed as NEETs; volunteered in schools; been a school governor; been a trustee for a local charity; stewarded at music festivals and acted as an advocate for a man with autism and borderline learning disability amongst others. I really enjoyed them all, tbh.

Obviously, those people.and organisations benefitted from my involvement but I benefitted enormously too and learnt a lot about myself in the process.

I don't want to beat you with a volunteering stick if you really don't want to do it but there are so many things you can do as a volunteer.

I'm only a couple of years younger than you and volunteering is one of my self care activities if I'm honest. It's about finding something that suits you.

When I felt as low as you do, people's advice to me was "get a new haircut" and "revamp your wardrobe" 🙄

Now those are asinine suggestions!!

I'm everything my mother warned me about. Loser.

This may be the root of the problem.

Is your mother still alive? What's she like to you, other people?

Have you thought about taking a class and just throwing yourself into it, see what you're capable of?

This is me also.
I’m in my 30s and a sahm. Im educated to masters level but I’m never going to achieve anything. I briefly had a career before dc but two dc, a husband who does nothing to help and a chronic illness have made life hard. That’s not an excuse, I’m still a massive failure. I could have done more. I’m just so fucking tired all the time.
My friends all have very good jobs, they matter. They have achieved. They are impressive. A sahm is the lowest of the low unfortunately, boring and adding no value. I don’t see my friends often now, what have I got to add to conversation?
I’m volunteering now that my youngest has started preschool but I don’t tell anyone about it, it’s not like a proper job that matters. I’m hoping to get something paid off the back of it but I’m never going to be high flying and ultimately if I was gone tomorrow it would make no difference to anyone.

I’ve never felt very confident and that’s my main problem I think. But yes, I am one of life’s low achieving failures.

@PicsInRed my mum is still alive. She is very supportive of me. Makes no comment on my position. Just wants me to be happy. She only worried because my dad left her and us in the financial lurch.

Yes. I think I'm going to find a course and find the money to pay for it. I'm very interested in a foreign language. German in particular.

Different things make me happy at different times. As a confirmed aetheist I believe I have 2 "purposes" in life:

1. To raise my kid the best I can and to have fun. To that end I spend effort on things for DD and enjoy my time with her. I work at a job that is ok. It pays the bills, sometimes it is fun, sometimes it is dull. I don't want promotion as that would mean travelling away from home more and that is not good for the kid. When I have the opportunity of 1:1 time with DD (weekends mostly as evenings are just too busy) I try to fill the time with fun and relatively meangingful things. A walk on the beach, baking together, craft, etc..

2. Having fun. To that end I tend to spend any spare time not required for work or looking after the kid doing what I like to do. Currently that is fucking the new boyf. When we stop doing that I also enjoy walking, reading, gardening... Basically I'm a bit of a hedonist but what brings me pleasure isn't a drug fuelled orgy in Ibiza (although now you come to mention it perhaps I'll try it).

I don't care what anyone else thinks of my "achievements in life" and I don't measure other peoples worth by their salary or job title.