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Original poster

My friends almost never instigate catchups

29 replies

Countryescape · 25/09/2019 02:09

I've been thinking about this for a while now. I've noticed for quite some time that it is mostly a one way street when organising catch ups. I have recently become quite down about it and am questioning some of my friendships. I decided to see if I stopped organising and instigating things whether they would maintain contact. You guessed it, most of them I haven't heard from in months. I feel sad about it, but also feel like I don't want to chase friendships if they aren't interested. Am I being too sensitive? I don't think a text to say "lets go for a coffee" every now and then is too much to ask. What do you think? TIA :)

OP posts:

1300cakes · 25/09/2019 02:28

This is really annoying but it's just the way it is with some people. It's most likely not that they don't like you, more that they don't like organising things and aren't that bothered if they see you, but enjoy seeing you when they do. It would be nice if it was 50/50 but that's rarely the case. Imo it's not worth cutting off your nose to spite your face and never contacting them, as a bunch of great friends won't somehow come in to your life to fill the void. We all wish we could have amazing friends but most of us just have average ones - and that's ok.

Original poster

Countryescape · 25/09/2019 02:45

@1300cakes that is a good point. Yes where am I going to find all these amazing friends?! I do have some lovely friends that do instigate things, but largely I am the organiser of most events with this other group.

OP posts:

boxofbabyjesus · 25/09/2019 03:51

I think that some friendships can just get into a habit or pattern of one person being the instigator, and the others being more passive / responsive.

If you're feeling that the pattern that's developed isn't working for you any more, couldn't you talk about it with your friends rather than just stopping making contact?

Original poster

Countryescape · 25/09/2019 04:07

@boxofbabyjesus thanks for your response. I did talk to one of my friends a couple of months back and told her how I was feeling. I tried just to be non-confrontational and came from it with a more I was feeling a bit upset about it. I did actually get a bit teary on the phone. She was semi-understanding and told me she was a bit useless at organising things. But I haven't heard from her since then except for to see her in a group situation. Which kind of indicates to me she isn't that bothered.

OP posts:

SpagBowl99 · 25/09/2019 06:56

Hi OP, could it be that your friends are busier than you? Or perhaps have a wider social circle and that could make them busier too? Or could be that they prefera quieter life and are not so I to socialising. So many poss reasons, but understandably frustrating for you.

I would try not to get upset and take it personally.

Is there a new hobby you could try? You might meet new friends, or might just enjoy yourself?

Sometimes life can be the way you describe, but it can flip back the other way by introducing new hobbies and being open to new friends.

Try to enjoy new experiences, talk to anyone and everyone and enjoy the moment and then hopefully what you are feeling will lessen.

Suppertimelove · 25/09/2019 07:01

I’m finding that I hear a lot less from my friend than I did when we were in our 20s/early 30s - I think life just gets in the way!

We have group chats and they will last about 5-6 messages and that’s it we won’t message again for weeks never mind meet up! 🙈

Suppertimelove · 25/09/2019 07:01

*friends

Original poster

Countryescape · 25/09/2019 07:15

@suppertimelove, possibly. A couple probably have a wider social circle but they aren't busier I wouldn't say. I work 30 hours a week and am also studying postgrad, have two kids and still have time to flick texts through here and there!

OP posts:

Snog · 25/09/2019 07:24

With me I'm not someone who likes organising things and I enjoy spending time with just my family and on my own.

I'm generally pleased when friends suggest meeting up and if I didn't hear from one for a while I would suggest a meet up. If it wasn't a particularly close friend though I would probably let things drift.

Do you have a lot of friends OP? How many of them are close friends?

hopeishere · 25/09/2019 08:24

Are your lives moving in very different directions? I have a couple of friends and they see each other all the time just the two of them and occasionally they try and meet up with me but to be honest I don't actually want to meet up with them. because they see each other so often it ends up like I'm being interrogated with questions because they're trying to catch up on all my news and it just makes me really uncomfortable.

Original poster

Countryescape · 26/09/2019 02:34

@Snog I probably have a couple of close friends, and then other friends who are friends but not ultra close. Maybe 15 or so of them? I don't know if that is a lot or not. And of course there are other friends who don't live in the same city as well. I guess I am just the type of person who likes to catch up and am bored if I'm at home.

OP posts:

Bucatini · 26/09/2019 02:43

I agree with previous posters - this is just how some people are. I’m an organiser like you, and there are definitely some friends I’d never see if it wasn’t for me arranging things! I don’t take it as a sign they don’t like me or a reason to end the friendship. It’s good when we do meet up, and I don’t mind being the one to organise things.

Snog · 26/09/2019 06:09

I would say that 17 friends in the local area is a lot. I don't have as many as that who i see regularly and I wouldn't want to make time for that many friends.

I have 3 close friends and a handful more who i see regularly. Apart from this I am a very friendly person and make friends easily but simply don't have the space in my life to keep in regular contact with a big number of friends. I guess if I had groups of friends then I would probably have more friends but I only go out with groups if organised by someone else!

I do like groups but gravitate more to 1:1 friendships.

People are different OP, some don't enjoy organising things. Some are happier with fewer friendships than others. I would concentrate on whether seeing a friend makes you feel good. If it doesn't then let it go.

1300cakes · 27/09/2019 12:51

What you may not realise Snog, is that no one enjoys organising things. For the same reasons you don't.

Honeyroar · 27/09/2019 13:17

Hi I feel exactly the same about my friends. I’ve always been the one organising get together every now and then. I’ve also organised trips for major birthdays. This year I’ve lost a very good friend to cancer, had my husband in intensive care, had my mother diagnosed with cancer and operated on, mum’s also had heart problems and a pacemaker fitted. I’ve also lost two beloved dogs. Most of my closest friends haven’t rung or texted me one single time during all this. Not made any effort for my own big birthday. I’ve never felt so alone and let down in all my life. I’ve come to the sad conclusion that I don’t have any real friends.

flipperdoda · 27/09/2019 14:23

I have this too, and I'm mid twenties!

I get frustrated by it too but I've noticed I don't get frustrated by all of them - one for instance isn't great at instigating these things but once you've suggested it she's always keen, responds quickly, makes it easy to organise and always says some comment like "thanks so much for thinking of doing this/organising this/suggesting lunch!".

It's the friends who won't organise things and don't make it easy to meet up (e.g. refuse to book up a Friday because people always want to do things on Fridays - uh, hello, that's what I'm asking you to do!) that irritate me. Mostly because as you can see from that last point about Fridays I feel as though making sure they're available for better things is more important than meeting with me.

So I meet up often with the ones where it's reciprocal. Quite often with the ones from example 1 where it's at least always stress free. Not so much anymore with the latter type because although they're nice people our values just don't mesh very well at the moment.

As some PP I wouldn't necessarily stop contacting them altogether but I WOULD work out on a person by person basis how it makes you feel when you do see them. I always have a brilliant time with the person from example A so it's worth it to me (and she's generous, kind, great listener so brings other things to the friendship - I'm not as lovely as her but am more organised! )

Snog · 27/09/2019 15:41

@1300cakes I assumed some people did enjoy organising things- is that wrong?!!

I guess even if true there is probably a sliding scale of how good people are at organising things and how much they dislike doing it.

Newgirls · 27/09/2019 15:47

I like going to a regular choir and exercise group - all the organising is done for you! I count many of them as friends now - pos worth trying that to take the feeling of pressure off?

flipperdoda · 27/09/2019 16:50

@Snog I'm not sure many people enjoy organising things to the extent they want to do it all the time. Especially if they've become that person in all of their family/friendship/romantic relationships.

I am an organiser, I definitely enjoy it much more than others, but I really resent it if I end up doing it too much (in life) or too much (in relation to a specific person/group of people). It's draining even when you are theoretically someone who enjoys it!

flipperdoda · 27/09/2019 16:56

To add to that, I'm single, childless and mid twenties so I have a sneaking suspicion that once I have what I call "actual responsibilities" they will take enough organisation that I won't be jumping to take on more organisational roles!!

Realistically I have more time and energy now for organising friend meet ups etc than I will in the future. And I still get a bit frustrated about it

Boysey45 · 27/09/2019 17:11

I'd ask someone once to do something then its their turn, if they didn't reciprocate then that's fine, I'd let them go.
No way would I be chasing after people who basically cant be arsed or don't have time for whatever reason.

Snog · 27/09/2019 17:31

Yeah if everybody insisted on alternating the arranging of meet ups I guess this wouldn't happen.

Snog · 27/09/2019 17:32

So maybe it's on the organisers to stop doing more than their fair share

Oblomov19 · 27/09/2019 17:35

Actually I disagree with most of the posters above.
What you want, is what I wanted: reciprocal. Equal. For people to be as invested in the friendship as you were. Eventually I found my niche.

I now have 6 friends. And we see each other/ phone each other/ WhatsApp daily/ meet up etc to all sorts of different levels. But what they all are, are equal. What I give, they give = it suits us both perfectly.

This has given great happiness.

Plenty Of other people / friendships/acquaintances- I've just let slide along the way!!

You WILL find it. It just takes time.

Oblomov19 · 27/09/2019 17:37

I love organising. For my closest 3 friends I've organised every single trip/ long weekend to : Prague, Budapest, Berlin, Krakow, Dubrovnik etc.

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