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Original poster

Stuck in the middle of SO and parents

47 replies

lovely12345 · 23/09/2019 21:16

Hi,

I would like some feedback on how to handle this situation.

My fiance and parents get along ok, but there's a constant trend of they make comments to each other that are not taken well and then I hear about it.

Examples:
Parents tell SO to do something ("can you go get me X?" help me with Y?") and he does it, but parents see in his face he doesn't really want to. Or he then jokes about being a waiter serving the drink he was told to get and it's deemed impolite.
They suggested we could redo the kitchen and he said "Oh I don't want to pay for that". He said it too abruptly and they thought it was impolite.

On the other side:
They often make remarks about his lack of physical strength. He was helping my dad change tires and the whole time my dad was needling him about his lack of strength.
We were bringing boxes downstairs and I was carrying one, prompting a comment of "Looks like you"ll be the man of the house, not him"
SO finds they insult him quite frequently.

I don't know who's right or wrong (thoughts?) just that I would like to stop hearing complaints on both sides about how the other insulted or was impolite to the other and that they can stop getting on each other's nerves.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovely12345 · 23/09/2019 21:17

Addition: SO means well but does have no filter sometimes and doesn't gear what he says to the audience, parents are picky and can be overbearing

OP posts:
HouseOfGoldandBones · 23/09/2019 21:21

Doesn't sound to me that your SO is in the wrong.

Sounds like your parents aren't showing your SO the respect they should afford him in his own home.

Maybe a chat to your parents about boundaries.

Snausage · 23/09/2019 21:22

Your poor partner! Your parents sound as of they're quite unpleasant to him, always picking at him. I know if my PIL did that to me and my DH didn't tell them to back off I would be mortified and reconsidering my relationship.

Original poster
lovely12345 · 23/09/2019 21:22

It's at parent's house - does that change things?

OP posts:
HouseOfGoldandBones · 23/09/2019 21:23

Sorry, your SO ISN'T in the wrong

Ohyesiam · 23/09/2019 21:25

Well neither is tight because they are both rude/disrespectful, but you parents are worse with all their low level bullying and nasty gender stereotypes.
I wouldn’t call any of that “ getting along ok”.

Your parents need to learn to accept people as they are, and your fiancé needs to learn you are a team and need to help each other with good grace.ulness you are constantly giving orders that is.

Why do you refer to him as SO?

Yeahnahyeah1 · 23/09/2019 21:26

Sounds similar to my husband, in that he can sound a little abrupt sometimes, and doesn’t censor himself dependant on his audience. He’s always polite imo and I find him great company but my mum and some of my siblings are bloody horrible about him. It pisses me off no end, he doesn’t deserve it as I am sure your DP doesn’t either. As it goes, I’m just scaling back how much I see them. I gave my mum fair warning when she kicked off about him just two weeks before our wedding, and told her she oughtnt make me choose as it wouldn’t go her way, so here we are.

Original poster
lovely12345 · 23/09/2019 21:29

They can be prickly with him for sure.

They find his comments to be disrespectful. To be fair and present both sides, he does say things that I wouldn't say to my in-laws. My dad asked him to change tires and he said "I'll bring them to the shop to get it done like I do my dad's"

OP posts:
Original poster
lovely12345 · 23/09/2019 21:31

I don't give orders, we work as a team and agree to work together on everything. I'm not familiar with the labelling on these forums. Fiance? DF? LOL

OP posts:
Original poster
lovely12345 · 23/09/2019 21:33

At Yeahnahyeah1 exactly, it's all well meaning, and he really wants them to like and appreciate him, but it's almost impossible because there's always something.

OP posts:
Newschapter · 23/09/2019 22:00

Do you (and he?) live with your parents?

FinallyHere · 23/09/2019 22:17

He was helping my dad change tires and the whole time my dad was needling him about his lack of strength.

How do you respond when your father is needling him? Do you have his back? Why should he help your family if he is needled in return.

In the interests of future harmony, I would ask your parents to back off. Or, if you agree with them , sack him off. Either way don't get in the middle.

Dyrne · 23/09/2019 22:31

Is this a joke?

If I went to DP’s parents house and they started ordering me around and then insulting me openly to my face, I would respond exactly as your partner does. Why is everyone calling him rude? If someone called me stupid/idiotic for not being able to do a task that rarely needs doing and is often contracted out for peanuts (such as changing a tyre) then I would get annoyed as well - especially if I then agreed to help change said tyre and the person spent the whole time insulting me!

And it’s one thing being asked nicely if I can get them a drink if i’m already in the kitchen etc, no one gets to ‘tell’ me to bring them something!!

Again if my PILs started insulting my kitchen saying I needed to change it - none of their fucking business what I want to spend my money on, quite frankly!

Why do you think it’s acceptable for your parents to order your partner around and constantly insult him?

Treesthemovie · 23/09/2019 22:46

Your parents sound rude OP

pikapikachu · 23/09/2019 22:47

Your parents are very rude. You can't ask someone for help then needle him?! If he's so weak why isn't his wife or you asked for help?
Your partner isn't rude about joking about being a waiter. There's 101 retorts to that like "hope I don't have to tip you!" Or "I'll be chef and start dinner soon" Considering that they teased him about strength, it's strange that they wouldn't accept light teasing about your oh being made to feel like a waiter.

With the kitchen thing maybe he considered it but knew that he didn't want to pay for it so said immediately? Maybe he took it as a dog that your kitchen needing updating?

Do you live with your parents? That my explain why they are quite irritated/short with your oh?

Preggosaurus9 · 23/09/2019 22:51

Your parents are making your DP change their tyres? Er why, that's what repair shops are for?! Why are you letting them use him as a slave? Really odd.

LightDrizzle · 23/09/2019 23:15

I hope you grow up and put mummy and daddy in their place. They are being incredibly rude.
If not, I hope your DH clears off before you have children because they will be unbearable, and unless there is a huge back story of him being a prat, he can do better.

Rachelover60 · 23/09/2019 23:45

I don't know what SO means. However I presume it is your partner.
It wouldn't be a bad idea to speak to your parents privately about what they say, they probably don't realise how badly they are behaving. Be firm!

hardrainsgonnafall · 23/09/2019 23:50

Your parents sound horrible. I don’t know how your partner stands it.

Tippletopple · 24/09/2019 00:04

They find his comments to be disrespectful.
And saying he's got no strength and not the "man of the house" isn't?!

Quite frankly, I'd find that far more disrespectful than "I'll take your car somewhere to get the tyres changed". At the very least, its not questioning your dad's character!

Sounds like your parents are happy to dish it out but not so happy to take it.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2019 00:09

Your parents are arseholes. You really don't see this? Your parents ridicule him because of is physicality and because it's in their home you think that's ok? What's wrong with you? If I could, I would tell your partner to run for the hills.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 24/09/2019 00:33

Mummy and daddy are rude and goady. Why are you letting your partner be their whipping boy?

AnonJIC · 24/09/2019 00:38

Your parents sounds like dicks and you're letting them treat your SO like shit. Shame on you!

madcatladyforever · 24/09/2019 00:44

Quite honestly I'd never dream of criticising my DiL and if i did my DS would not stand for it.
As it happens I love her but that isn't the point, my DS is an adult and capable of choosing his own partner and making his own mistakes, catty comments from in laws never help and can make you choose between them.

fargo123 · 24/09/2019 01:18

Your parents are absolutely awful and very rude and ungrateful. If my inlaws treated me like that, I'd cease all contact with them.