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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Stuck in the middle of SO and parents

47 replies

lovely12345 · 23/09/2019 21:16

Hi,

I would like some feedback on how to handle this situation.

My fiance and parents get along ok, but there's a constant trend of they make comments to each other that are not taken well and then I hear about it.

Examples:
Parents tell SO to do something ("can you go get me X?" help me with Y?") and he does it, but parents see in his face he doesn't really want to. Or he then jokes about being a waiter serving the drink he was told to get and it's deemed impolite.
They suggested we could redo the kitchen and he said "Oh I don't want to pay for that". He said it too abruptly and they thought it was impolite.

On the other side:
They often make remarks about his lack of physical strength. He was helping my dad change tires and the whole time my dad was needling him about his lack of strength.
We were bringing boxes downstairs and I was carrying one, prompting a comment of "Looks like you"ll be the man of the house, not him"
SO finds they insult him quite frequently.

I don't know who's right or wrong (thoughts?) just that I would like to stop hearing complaints on both sides about how the other insulted or was impolite to the other and that they can stop getting on each other's nerves.

OP posts:

DonKeyshot · 24/09/2019 03:50

They find his comments to be disrespectful. To be fair and present both sides, he does say things that I wouldn't say to my in-laws. My dad asked him to change tires and he said "I'll bring them to the shop to get it done like I do my dad's"

Do your in-laws give you orders and do you quietly acquiesce and do their bidding without question?

If your df wanted his tyres changed why didn't he do it himself? Your OS's response to this request is not at all disrespectful and also shows he's safety conscious when it comes to vehicles.

On the few occasions when I've had to change a tyre, I've made sure to get to a tyre shop asap so that they can go over the bolts with a pressure gun as I don't feel safe driving on tyres that I've put on using my meagre strength.

The other examples you've related seem to indicate that your dps treat your SO as if he's a skivvy, put on this earth to do their bidding, and the fact that they're mainly doing this in their own home doesn't make it, or them, right.

Addition: SO means well but does have no filter sometimes and doesn't gear what he says to the audience, parents are picky and can be overbearing

If your dps treated me the way they treat your SO, I'd remove my filter and they'd be told where to go in no uncertain terms. It seems to me you need to have some firm words with your dps and tell them that if they continue in this vein they'll alienate your SO and run the risk of having you lose all respect for them.

DonKeyshot · 24/09/2019 03:51

*SO not OS...

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 24/09/2019 04:15

This thread reminds me of the movie Meet the parents with De Niro & Ben Stiller....

Littleraindrop15 · 24/09/2019 04:32

Your parents are wrong your partner has not been rude ..frankly feel sorry
Him I would not be in contact with your parents if I was him.

IdaBWells · 24/09/2019 04:41

OP I think you need to put some boundaries in place. They are your parents and so you don’t know any different, but telling guests in your home to do things for you is pretty rude in itself but the way they do it seems an excuse to criticize him. I think you really need to start as you mean to go on and that means standing up for your Significant Other. Make sure your future husband knows you have his back and tell your parents clearly that you won’t hear criticism of him, and stick to it. The best way, after clearly explaining and setting a boundary is just leave if they are rude, you don’t have to make a scene, just say “Well we have to be going now”. The penny will drop after a while that if they are rude and goady they don’t have the pleasure of your company.

I think their behavior is likely because they are quite controlling and they are used to you jumping up for them and doing what they want, so they are attempting to “train” your future husband. Insulting him is way beyond the pale. You should actually defend your SO if they insult him, say “Dad don’t insult SO, how would you like it if he said that to you?”. Highly critical people tend to think they are are just better than others unfortunately so I’m guessing this is their normal behavior. How often do you all spend time together? I would suggest you don’t get together as much and you start to establish your own schedule and traditions (such as how you spend your weekends) that works for you and your SO, don’t make plans around what is most convenient for your parents, as this is another way they are controlling you.

Do you find they insult and criticize you and other people a lot?

Original poster

lovely12345 · 24/09/2019 06:39

Thanks everyone for the honesty.

DonKeyshot I am indeed used to doing their bidding and trying to please them which has crept into this situation. I'm used to the fact that with parents and extended family, you just suck it up and take it. But that's me, and I'm ok with it, but my fiance shouldn't have to take it.

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 24/09/2019 06:52

It sounds like your parents are getting at your partner to be honest and finding fault in him. I would speak to them about it and ask them to accept him as he is as they’re making you unhappy.
I’m wondering in what context they’re asking him to do stuff; fair enough if they’re in the middle of cooking dinner for example and ask him to pour drinks or ask him to help clear away but when I think about when my family come to our house they are either offered things or help themselves and the same when we’re at their house.

Original poster

lovely12345 · 24/09/2019 07:05

Examples of tasks: asking him to go get a drink at a wedding, go get something downstairs, help put up the garden furniture, change tires, take dishes out, clear the dishes, put them away, put toys away, drive everyone if we're going somewhere together.

OP posts:

TheAlternativeTentacle · 24/09/2019 07:08

Do you both live at theirs rent free?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 24/09/2019 07:12

It sounds like they order him around a lot. And have years and years of practice ordering you around.

He can offer to do those things you list but I don't know any hosts who would ask or tell a guest to drive, get a drink etc.

Itsallgonewoowoo · 24/09/2019 07:15

They seem to treat him like a servant, that may be the dynamic with their kids but it's obviously not one he is happy with. Why should he change tires if he doesn't feel he wants to? He offered to take it to the shop for them, the sensible option!
Quite frankly from what you've put I think he's holding his tongue very well, if that was me I'd have snapped long ago and they're be in no doubts about me being rude!

wibbletooth · 24/09/2019 07:17

I read your op waiting to find out what your do did wrong - got to the end and was still waiting...

It seems like they are expecting your dp to become one of their skivvies. You are used to it and see this as normal but from your examples it looks like they are rude and demanding.

Apolloanddaphne · 24/09/2019 07:19

Blimey they are treating your SO very badly. He is not their servant and does not have to be at their beck and call. I think you need to examine your relationship with your DP and try to see this is not a normal way to treat people.

readingismycardio · 24/09/2019 07:22

Poor guy. I feel for him. He also has a partener problem as it seems, too. Just terrible.

MollyButton · 24/09/2019 07:26

You parents sound awful. I am truly surprised that he is still with you.

There is nothing wrong with taking the car to the garage to get the tires changed. There is a lot wrong with your parents asking your SO to change the tires on their car - UNLESS he is a trained mechanic and they are frail 80 year olds!

I would suggest that you get yourself so therapy and start to wise up about your very unhealthy family dynamic.

You are not stuck between your parents and your SO; you have some pretty entitled parents and an extremely tolerant SO. I know which one I'd value far more highly.

Fatshedra · 24/09/2019 07:27

Do you live with them??????? ?????????????

Fatshedra · 24/09/2019 07:31

Do you have a DB who now lives a loooong way from home. My DS seemed to get this treatment of a list of jobs for him to do ( mostly from DF) when he came to visit until he spoke up. A bit harder for you OH as it's more likely to offend as he is not family.
You can tell them that if they want to spend a little time with you that's fine but if they want a handyman they must find someone else .
This assumes you are NOT Living With Them.

Bouffalant · 24/09/2019 07:32

It sounds like they're treating him like a servant/beneath them.

They sound rude.

Quartz2208 · 24/09/2019 07:35

There is a stately home thread here in relationships about such parental/child relationships I think you could benefit from

And they wanted you to pay to redo their kitchen?

Original poster

lovely12345 · 24/09/2019 08:02

We both still live with our respective parents.

They were suggesting we redo the kitchen in our potential new home.

OP posts:

TheAlternativeTentacle · 24/09/2019 08:14

Yeah they are treating him very, very badly.

Do they want him to dump you?

Gemma1971 · 24/09/2019 09:31

Get your own place asap. This kind of thing can destroy relationships. The way they are treating him is unacceptable. It's bullying. You are sort of used to it growing up with it - however, doesn't make it ok that they did and do it to you.

Get away from them for your own mental health and the sake of your relationship. You can still visit them regularly.

And make sure you discuss this with your partner so that he does not feel he has done anything wrong. Your parents are bullies.

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