I've been blocked by a dear friend

[spinelli89]

Hi everyone

Just wanted to see the general opinion on this situation really in case it throws up something I’ve not thought about.

Been very dear friends with my male friend since our first day at uni so like ten years now, he lives about an hour away from me with his two young DS’s and fiancé who I have grown quite close to as our second babies were born a week apart this year.

We try to see eachother as much as possible but usually only every two months either as a family group with all kids and my husband or just us grabbing a drink together -this has been more difficult this year as I have been pregnant for half the year and now have a six month old who is attached to me!

Anyway a couple of times we arranged to meet up but both cancelled, then we arranged again to meet up all of us but he then decided he just wanted to see me on my own if possible at the last minute and I had already told dh it was all of us so I just said leave it for another time as I couldn’t just drop dh last minute with both kids and swan off to meet him alone friend was cool with that said he understood etc.

Then we arranged to meet on a Friday a week after but my bad I cancelled very last minute on him on the morning of the meet up. My DH took us away to chessington as a surprise and honestly I totally forgot but I know that’s not really an excuse. I sent a grovelling message back taking full responsibility etc etc, I knew he would be annoyed as didn’t get a reply but understood he would be angry and I prob made him feel like crap!

Anyway two days later I still hadn’t received a message or anything back and went to look back at the message and it was obvious he had blocked me on WhatsApp. Anyway I sent another message just saying hope he is ok even though I knew that being blocked he would never get it. Just to cover all bases in case I wasn’t actually blocked I sent a text also and it was never delivered so he must of blocked my number completely :-/

Two weeks later still no word, I have toyed with sending another message as a last ditch attempt as have no other option at this point of reaching him. I would usually speak to his fiancé as we have been a great support to eachother with our children over the last few months but no message from her either which I understand as she is being loyal to my friend. Usually she would message once a week or so but nothing since ‘the incident’

I’m half upset that potentially our friendship is over and that he has gone to such an extent as to block me so to me obviously doesn’t want me in touch with him. I mean his choice if he has decided he doesn’t want to be friends what can I do?

I mean I do feel quite bereft because not only was he a great friend he is my children’s god fathers and our kids got on etc, I felt we had made such a nice foundation of a friendship. Whilst his other half was going through depression I felt I was really there for her and he had even messaged me to say thanks for being there for her etc. The fact that he has decided he no longer wants me in his life is pretty sad but do I just move on now?

My other half thinks he is being ridiculous and should of just been honest with me and told me what he really thought and if he could move on from it...Maybe this is what I deserve I just don’t know...

Anyway do I try and contact him one last time or do I accept I was out of order and this is a consequence of treating a friend badly?

Thanks

Sorry for the lack of punctuation!

Stop grovelling op. That was your first mistake.

My friend and I arrange and cancel meetings with each other ALL the time. I don’t give it a second thought if she cancels. Even if she said
‘You know, I just don’t feel like it today’
I still wouldn’t mind. We’ve been friends for 20 years.

He’s being unreasonable and pretty childish to be honest .

After he blocked me I would have text...
‘I’m sorry we didn’t meet up. Call me when you’re through with your strop. I am still looking forward to a catch up’.

I’d leave it now and let him do some chasing when he’s grown up a bit.

Just to add, he may have had some news for you or been having some issues to talk through, so your cancellation felt a bit more ‘unfair’ than normal. Still no excuse though.

What about just popping over to his house?

Could you write him a letter?

From what you say, there have been cancellations on both sides leading up to this, so it's unfair of him to block you on the basis of the last one being your fault - if you alone were continually cancelling, it might be different.

In any event, blocking like this is the coward's way when your friendship is longstanding.

If you want to contact him again, I would advise leaving it for a while to give him time to reflect on the loss of the friendship and come out of the heat of the moment.

I'm the last person to defend flaky behaviour in a friendship, but I think he has been far too harsh with you.

When someone has that much inside them to be so upset about a cancelled meeting to block you, there's more than friendship feelings going on there.

Blocking someone is a bit of an attention seeking thing to do unless it's for genuine reasons like harassment or a serious falling out. It's a non verbal statement as if to say 'I didn't get what I want and now I want you to see how put out I am'.

Leave him to stew. He didn't have the balls to tell you that you cancelling upset him and he's obviously taken his partner into it as well. I wonder if she is aware that he wanted to suddenly cancel a group meeting to meet alone...

I think he wanted to see you alone to discuss a particular matter and felt very let down that you cancelled. He possibly feels low on your priorities when he's feeling vulnerable for some reason. That's probably why it seems out of proportion.

Leave it a bit to calm down and try again in an apologetic manner.

It all sounds very flaky.

Maybe he had something serious/important he wanted to talk to you about hence asking to meet you on your own. I don’t know why you then cancelled on him - why couldn’t your DH have the children on his own for a few hours?

And then cancelling the next meeting “at very last minute on the morning of”.

Sounds like he’s had enough. Sometimes there’s only so much effort people are willing to make and so many last minute cancellations they’re willing to overlook.

I’d leave it now if I were you and wait to see if he gets back in touch.

Could you not ring him from another number to find out what his issue is, from your land line home phone for example?

Could he have stuff going on op? Would there have been a reason he wanted to meet up alone? To talk about something in his life? He might feel abandoned by you when he was trying to reach out to uou. And you've cancelled the last twice, and I'm not sure who did it the time before.

I think he needed to speak to you over something important and you cancelled. And now you cancelled again at very short notice.

Sorry but if my friend kept cancelling like that on me last minute I'd be upset too. I cannot be arsed with half hearted friends.

Why not do the old fashioned thing, and send him a letter. Outline your sadness at being blocked and be the genuinely confused person you are, at the same time, acknowledging your cancellation, ( it may not be big for you, but may have been for him. esp with his DP and depression).
However, I echo, other posters who have said this is really rather unreasonable behaviour, bearing in mind, he is a dear friend, and has been and he is a god parent.
There must be another reason why.
So write, or even phone!

personally i would make another attempt, you cant say you've tried twice as you know you were blocked for the second message. Sending a whatap or two and a text is hardly much effort , to try sort something out if you are as seriously bereft as you say. I dont get this blocking people if i am pissed off i just dont reply but anyway he does and did, thats not the point, the point is it sounds like this last year has been bad, a good friend should cut you more slack but maybe he sees thing differently, maybe the cancellations you see as mutual were more him just agreeing, so contact his fiancee say you want to say sorry in person as you know hes blocked you and how about meeting at ... if fiancee has you blocked to do as someone else suggested just call from another number, call him at work, make one big proper effort and if that doesnt work then leave it

I'm wondering if he's starting to feel like he might be moving into 'emotional affair' territory? I know there's no chance of your reciprocating, but could he and/or his fiancee have started to feel that his friendship with you is encroaching on their emotional life? It's a difficult thing to explain when it happens but often the friend's OH begins to feel a bit destabilised and pushed out. Not your fault, but unfortunately it's quite common.

I had a kind of similar situation - an ex who took a while to get over, but who was a long term friend for many years. We mantained the friendship through our respective marriages and the births of my DCs, but there came a time when the kids were small, friend had work problems, DH also had work problems and friend's DW was finding it hard keeping her MH on track, and let's just say, long 1-1 chats with friend didn't go down well, even though we never even wanted to 'do' anything. And TBH I can see why. We didn't at that time have the emotional bandwidth to do more than support our spouses and families and friend trying to play uncle to my DCs in between setting the world to rights was getting in the way of it. I think you may be in a similar situation only without the past relationship.

Unlike your friend, however, we were at least upfront with each other about the situation. We knew that we couldn't realistically find time and energy for more than the odd e-mail and weren't too surprised when contact dwindled.

How "last minute" was it? Could he have been en route already?

I have a former friend who cancelled at the time of meeting once, then forgot she was meeting me on a snow day. I texted before getting on the Tube. Then I gave up on her.

If he wanted to see you alone I would assume he had something important to talk to you about. I don't understand why you couldn't have met him alone the previous time? Surely your dh could have managed.

Cancelling again probably just felt like the last straw. I would assume he has something big on his plate and needed a friend.

You say you've both cancelled things previously but I'm wondering if you both have, or he cancelled once, and you've cancelled many more times?

I'd be wondering why at the last minute he wanted you to ditch the families.

do you think maybe something going on between himself and his wife?? have they split possibly?? That could explain why he wanted to meet on your own and he needed/wanted to talk to you about it!!

Would explain why you have not heard from his other half lately as well!

I think you've misjudged, op. You've assumed everything's fine, and missed signs that he really needed his friend.

Thanks for all the replies much appreciated!!

A couple of you have said why couldn't I still have gone and met him alone when he asked previously, obviously looking back maybe he had something important to tell me - I feel bad now. Although we are all good friends I am also aware of making my dh and his fiancé feel uncomfortable with our friendship. I guess the way I saw it at the time was we were all looking forward to meeting up and then he didn't want to do it in a group, I just felt awkward as I spoke to his fiancé often at the time as well - I'd hate to make her feel weird about our friendship with the sudden change of plans excluding everyone else....

I'm starting to think that perhaps he feels I've been there more for his fiancé than him...perhaps that...

We have cancelled on eachother probably equal times but this last minute cancellation was a huge mick take by me...which I have apologised for...

I am considering a letter just again don't want to make his fiancé feel like it's a bit off you know I'm just afraid of making her view our friendship in a different light when it's just a friendship...

A couple of people have mentioned it may be the start of him thinking our friendship is more, I very much doubt it but couldn't be 100% I mean from my end the thought makes me want to laugh because...just no.

Maybe the last straw at a time when he felt he needed me I just don't want to lose him really but also don't want to feed his ego by grovelling as feel I have already said sorry.

I wont bump into him because we live too far away so it's either a letter, message his fiancé or turn up at his house which is a train ride away and he works full time...

@picklemepopcorn I think I have to agree

A card saying you hope all is well, that you will always value his friendship, and hope that he will get back in touch when he is ready.

That isn't grovelling or pandering, just a statement of truth.

Don't you have his email address? Or has he blocked you on that as well?
I would be inclined to send a card just saying that with hindsight you realised he may need to speak to you about something important, you're sorry for letting him down, and that you hope he will be in touch. Then leave it up to him.

It was an unreasonable ask on his part to cancel everyone else comingike that OP, I would have said no too. V rude. Like you two were the main players and the rest just bit parts.