I've been blocked by a dear friend

[spinelli89]

Hi everyone

Just wanted to see the general opinion on this situation really in case it throws up something I’ve not thought about.

Been very dear friends with my male friend since our first day at uni so like ten years now, he lives about an hour away from me with his two young DS’s and fiancé who I have grown quite close to as our second babies were born a week apart this year.

We try to see eachother as much as possible but usually only every two months either as a family group with all kids and my husband or just us grabbing a drink together -this has been more difficult this year as I have been pregnant for half the year and now have a six month old who is attached to me!

Anyway a couple of times we arranged to meet up but both cancelled, then we arranged again to meet up all of us but he then decided he just wanted to see me on my own if possible at the last minute and I had already told dh it was all of us so I just said leave it for another time as I couldn’t just drop dh last minute with both kids and swan off to meet him alone friend was cool with that said he understood etc.

Then we arranged to meet on a Friday a week after but my bad I cancelled very last minute on him on the morning of the meet up. My DH took us away to chessington as a surprise and honestly I totally forgot but I know that’s not really an excuse. I sent a grovelling message back taking full responsibility etc etc, I knew he would be annoyed as didn’t get a reply but understood he would be angry and I prob made him feel like crap!

Anyway two days later I still hadn’t received a message or anything back and went to look back at the message and it was obvious he had blocked me on WhatsApp. Anyway I sent another message just saying hope he is ok even though I knew that being blocked he would never get it. Just to cover all bases in case I wasn’t actually blocked I sent a text also and it was never delivered so he must of blocked my number completely :-/

Two weeks later still no word, I have toyed with sending another message as a last ditch attempt as have no other option at this point of reaching him. I would usually speak to his fiancé as we have been a great support to eachother with our children over the last few months but no message from her either which I understand as she is being loyal to my friend. Usually she would message once a week or so but nothing since ‘the incident’

I’m half upset that potentially our friendship is over and that he has gone to such an extent as to block me so to me obviously doesn’t want me in touch with him. I mean his choice if he has decided he doesn’t want to be friends what can I do?

I mean I do feel quite bereft because not only was he a great friend he is my children’s god fathers and our kids got on etc, I felt we had made such a nice foundation of a friendship. Whilst his other half was going through depression I felt I was really there for her and he had even messaged me to say thanks for being there for her etc. The fact that he has decided he no longer wants me in his life is pretty sad but do I just move on now?

My other half thinks he is being ridiculous and should of just been honest with me and told me what he really thought and if he could move on from it...Maybe this is what I deserve I just don’t know...

Anyway do I try and contact him one last time or do I accept I was out of order and this is a consequence of treating a friend badly?

Thanks

Is it possible hes got a new phone with new number and not that hes blocked you on WhatsApp & on his mobile?
Or he may have removed the whatsapp app. Get your DP to check with his mobile phone to see if friend is still active on whatsapp.
Do you have him on social media at all?

Why not phone him?
It sounds like your friendship is important, if your phone is blocked then ring him from another number and see if he will talk to you (im not advocating harrasing him but merely trying one phone call from a different number to see if he will talk)

Why don't you message his partner and ask if all is OK?

Message his partner, if you're as close to her as it seems, it won't seem weird if you pen it write. I'll admit I'm an absolute over thinker, but I'd also think she may feel slightly put out that you haven't been in touch, that her friendship with you is only a sideline because of her husband. I appreciate you met because of him, but it sounds like you built a stand alone friendship with her. You could either go straight in with asking what's up with him, or play a bit dumb and ask if he's changed his number as your messages arent getting through. Or, if your friendship with her is solid enough as a separate entity just ask how she is, don't even ask after him. If that wouldn't be weird in the context of your past communications.

The thing with messaging his partner I just don't want to put her in an awkward position if he doesn't want to speak to me but she's probably my last hope. I will get a card today and write a short message as some others have suggested hopefully he will speak to me after if not I don't feel there is a whole lot more I can do. I can't keep banging on and on...

I feel like I must have done something major for him to be like this just can't help feeling that what I did doesn't deserve this kind of treatment...but I guess he may of been going through something and I haven't been there for him at that moment...

Appreciate everyone's suggestions I really do...

Not sure if anyone will still be on this thread but I have sent a general message to friends other half with no reply...I can see she has been online so clearly avoiding me.

I have sent friend a message on Instagram even though it does seem impersonal at this point.

I was building upto asking friends other half for their address, stupidly I haven't saved it in my phone but now she isn't replying not sure how I can get a card to him...

I mean what is it I have done so wrong it's making me feel awful.

I will probably end up making a phone call to friend but I feel like I don't even know where to start with it all now, and if we can salvage the friendship...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't see anything you've done wrong here.

She's probably avoiding it until she knows what to do or how to respond. Probably waiting to take instruction from him.

Even if your friend had something important to tell you it's still a bit of an overreaction. To meet up just the 2 of you was very last minute & you done the right thing. Cancelling has been done on both ends, lives sometimes get in the way.

You're owed an explanation.

@spinelli89 I'm guessing they may have split up and he's annoyed that you weren't there for him or something..

He wanted to meet you without the others there to tell you that he loves you/can't be friends with you anymore because he's in love with you.

His fiance discovered this and has forbidden him from seeing/speaking to you.

That's why they're both ignoring you.

Wouldn't normally suggest something like that but I can't imagine any other reason for this behaviour tbh!

Or they've split up.

It sounds like they're splitting up - just from what you've said. I would assume that's why he wanted to meet alone before, he has probably been trying to talk it out and tell you. I don't really think you've done anything wrong as you both seem as bad as each other on cancelling and flaking out - I wouldn't grovel much more.

I have no idea what’s going on with your friend but clearly your friendship isn’t as robust as you thought. His ghosting of you is a clear message that your friendship is over.

You’ve apologised, more than once, it’s time to walk away knowing that your friend lacks the emotional maturity to end your friendship maturely and with respect.

I think if you were honest about your friendship their probably was an element of your dynamic that wasn’t as nurturing as you’d thought.

It does sound like they're having relationships issues if he suddenly wanted to meet alone. I'd make the effort to go and see him just to make sure he's ok

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP, I can’t see that you’ve really done anything wrong here. I’m in a similar position myself and it really is horrible isn’t it? I’ve only known my friend a year but it’s been a very difficult one and she’s been a huge support to me but has suddenly started ignoring me a few weeks back, quite literally out of absolutely nowhere. I’ve texted, whatsapped, emailed and messaged her on here (she might even see this!) asking what on Earth I’ve done wrong but it’s all been seen and ignored, so I know what you’re going through although obviously yours is a longer friendship so I’m sure it feels a lot worse. I agree with previous posts saying something more is probably going on and he may be splitting with his partner, I think you just have to be the bigger person and maybe accept he doesn’t want to know right now but not give up hope that he might come back to you. It really is a horrible way to treat someone so you just have to hope there’s a good reason. Good luck OP, I do hope you hear back from him soon.

Thanks everyone appreciate all the responses...can't help but agree that bottom line is that clearly our friendship wasn't as strong as I thought I am getting more and annoyed he longer he doesn't speak to me which may be a good thing...wouldn't want to turn up at there's either they live an hours train journey into central London and think they are both home in the evenings around 7pm which would be difficult for me to manoeuvre with two young kids and school and bedtime etc and imagine turning up when they are having issues and potentially me being somehow involved...awkward!

He actually replied on Instagram. Asked me how the kids were and basically said I had really let him down, I show him no respect and doesn't feel like I treat him well so he blocked me apparently because he felt he was pestering me for a meet up

Anyway not sure how to respond and not even sure the friendship can overcome this just feels very off key now. Have kept DH in the loop about it all and I think his opinion has now changed of my friend so a group meeting would now be awkward anyway...what a shame...

More like he was punishing you, he sounds very immature

I think you should step back, you have done enough grovelling and apologising.

He actually replied on Instagram. Asked me how the kids were and basically said I had really let him down, I show him no respect and doesn't feel like I treat him well so he blocked me apparently because he felt he was pestering me for a meet up hmm

What? You could've had exactly the same approach with him. You both cancelled meeting up, he changed plans last min & wanted you to cancel dh coming. He's handled it poorly, at least you know you've tried.

I get why your dh feels that way.

he sounds very immature
Completely agree.

I'd reply 'It's a shame you feel that way. Life seems to get in the way, be it work, kids etc and it was unfortunate I couldn't make the last meet up. In any case, hope you are all keeping well. Take care, spinelli. '

You are not apologising again, you are not taking full responsibility for cancelled meet ups. You are just stating facts. It's up to him if he wants contact again after that.

From the fact that it was initially a group meetup and then changed to a one-one I would assume that he and his partner have split up and the reason she’s not talking to you is because he’s your friend and she is only your friend by virtue of being his partner, iyswim. When me and eXH split I removed all his friends from my social media because I A, felt they were dh’s friends first and B, didn’t want to put them in an awkward position re seeing any of my updates etc.. One contacted me and said she didn’t want to take sides, and we talk quite a lot now.

TBH I don’t get all this blocking people, if someone pisses you off you just don’t talk to them for a bit until it blows over.

So blocking was petty on his part, but equally I think that the whole thinking that the friendship wasn’t as close as you thought is a bit petty on yours. If you’re friends then just let it blow over.

Tell him you didn’t realise that he had something he wanted to talk about and hope he’s ok, and then leave it at that.

But all the angst over this is IMO one of the reasons why so many people struggle with friendships. It really doesn’t have to be that hard...

I wouldnt say "call me when you are through with your strop" that totally invalidates his feelings. I'm not saying he is being the most mature or dealing with things brilliantly but he was clearly going through something to say he wanted to meet alone. But, it is not your fault you had to cancel, sometimes life gets in the way. Both of you cancelled on separate occasions.

I think - send him a card and just say that you have tried to contact with no response and that you'll always be there whenever he is ready. Then just leave it.

My best male friend who I have known for around 20 years (he is more like a brother really) and I had a row once and didnt speak for 3 years!!! We are back stronger than ever.

It's upsetting I know, but you can only do what you can do

Good luck OP

Sorry OP missed your last post where you communicated on insta. I think message him saying that you're sorry again and you're always here if he needs you.

Don't worry about DH. He will be OK once you are ok. He probably just doesn't like seeing you upset.

He sounds utterly pathetic. You’ve both cancelled meet ups in the past but he’s really made a drama out of this one time. I’d wash my hands of him. What a stroppy, sulky man child.

Surely anyone with very small children knows that you can never set any kind of appointment or meeting in stone? ANYTHING can happen, from a poorly baby who just wants mum to a car breakdown, or a partner who can't take over looking after the kids for some reason? It's practically inevitable when you've got more than one child!

I'd give him some space, OP. Give it a couple of weeks, then drop him a message asking if he'd like to try again for a meet up. If he's still distant, it may be that there's something else going on underneath, and you'll know the friendship is probably over.

But there may be more to it than you know, so keep the door open, just in case.