My conclusion after a break from DH

[Openletters]

I just need to blurt out how I'm feeling...
Finally had a break from DH. 5 days alone with the kids to give him time to reflect and me time to decide if I want to lone parent. Here's what I've learned:

-He does loads more than I give him credit for- I forgot to change the babies nappy every 3 hours, something he does without any encouragement from me. I had nobody to put the rubbish out, a job he does without me noticing, he wasn't there to calm our emotional 6 year old when she lost her favourite toy, he wasnt there to help settle the baby at night, which he often does. I missed him and his help. He is so hands on.

• I've felt less hassled. He asks so many questions, he follows me into rooms and tells me lengthy, gossipy stories at bath time and bedtime and morning time when there is so much going on. I've had mental space. I haven't had to deal with his demands for attention on top of everyone elses.

-There has been no extra loud noises, no crashing around, no shouting from room to room, no loud singing, no loud devices, no constant fidgeting in bed, no tossing and turning. A lot quieter. Peaceful even at times.

-There has been no tension in the air, no crossed words, rolling eye balls.

-Ive missed him and us, but only the good times, which are few and far between. We had a good conversation on the phone this evening which turned sour when I admitted to forgetting to tell him something important. I was tired out from the kids and forgot; he tells me he's tired and has only just sat down. He's had the house to himself for 3 days at this point (doing DIY) but still... no kids around. I realise then that it wont change...

-He tells me the house is tidy but not clean as he's been too busy. I'm about to return to a dusty house due to the DIY.

In conclusion, I miss him as a father to my kids, they have missed him hugely, I have missed him reading to them and tucking them in at night and singing the baby to sleep.

I miss us when it was good, but I fear the good is gone and that I only really like him/love him now as a father to my children. I want to miss him romantically and I do, but he doesn't seem to be ghat man anymore.

Any thoughts?

You don't need to change a nappy unless it's actually dirty. If there's pee you can leave it until there is also a poo.

But on the bigger stuff..yeh I'd call it quits.

From your post, the bad outweighs the good.

Small children are draining both in terms of energy, emotional resources, time (obviously there are good bits too!. You can see the good in him (IE his parenting skills) but your relationship is not getting the investment it needs to flourish because of everything else. It's so hard to do.
Is it possible to have a weekend away just the two of you to try and escape the household tasks and reconnect? Or doing a hobby/activity that you both did together before children ?
I'm projecting a bit here but I think your issues are temporary and arise from a frustrating life stage of having young children rather than you are definitely doomed as a couple.

So chore wise he puts the rubbish out and he changing nappies unnecessarily that’s no hands on husband or father

It’s over the following you the noise means you are walking on eggshells no way to live

I don’t know how some women manage to have much time/energy for romantic feelings when the gruelling feeding/nappies/elder siblings demands are at their highest.
Maybe you are right and the relationship has run its course.
It’s equally possible that you two are in a normal phase of a family with young children where their needs became central to the relationship while they are this small and needy.
Unless you are feeling a definite need to be on your own - i’d give it a bit more time.

He reads to the kids and sings the baby to sleep. Follows you around to talk to you even though you're busy. Does DIY around the house.

I understand your frustration and fears that your romantic life is over. You're so busy being a family that you worry you won't know how to be a couple again.

Life is hard at this stage. Overwhelming, frustrating, never enough sleep or time to read, wriggling little people that need constant attention and generate loads (and loads) of dirty laundry.

Each stage of a marriage has it's own challenges and rewards. The stage you're in is exhausting, but there are moments of joy that make it so worthwhile. And one day you realize things are easier, and you're transitioning into a new stage. Which will be busy and messy and also filled with moments of joy.

There are so many lonely single parents on this board. Threads about dads who don't make time for their kids, or are always out with their friends, drinking at the pub. Lonely people sitting in the same room while their partner is on their phone. There's an active thread about a woman whose workaholic husband just wants to be left alone when he gets home. She says he looks bored and irritated when she tries to make conversation. Prefers a 2-hour commute (one-way) to time at home because he has a job wirh a prestigious company..

If you both make the effort, you can find small bits of time to be a couple again. What drew you to each other is still there, buried under bottles and diapers, baths and bedtimes. Schedule dates, or overnight trips. Movies at home after the kids are in bed. Don't forget to make time for the bedroom, too. Sex provides intimacy and closeness that helps hold a relationship together. That, and laughter.

Some day the nest will be empty. You'll miss these days more than you could possibly believe right now. And if you're lucky, you'll still be with the guy who sang to the baby, read to the kids, and followed you from room to room, talking and telling gossipy stories.

Life changes when you have young children. They, of necessity, become the focus of the family.

Our children are now grown, two have moved out. Our relationship is more like it was before we had children, but deeper, as we know each other more intimately.

The children aren’t going to be so dependant on you forever. Yes it is hard at the minute and an extra pair of hands is helpful, but in 6 or 7 years time and the children don’t need you as much can you see yourself enjoying your time with him?
In 20 years time will he be the husband you want him to be?

Try marriage counselling?

From what you say, I’d give it more time. Hang in there until the kids are easier, which will start to be noticeable when your youngest is 2-3 & be hugely easier when s/he is 5.

Then, or before if you’ve the energy, i’d look at NVC (non-violent communication), there’s a website, YouTube videos and a book by Marshall Rosenberg but you don’t need all of that, the main principle is that all people have needs and feelings associated with those needs (there’s a list of universal feelings and needs) - and identifying one’s own feelings and needs is really helpful - transformatively helpful. You sound very reflective and I think it might appeal to you. The next step is clear communication of one’s needs. I’m a long time happily married and find nvc hugely useful.

But fair dos if you’ve no headspace for that. Our youngest is nearly 7 and i’ve only recently stopped reaching for wine most nights. Finding babysitters (we formed a circle with friends, pay each other tokens) so we could get time together, even just to mooch round Wickes then discuss taps over a pint, that sort of high romantic interlude , made a huge difference to us, and making time for sex. Good luck. I’m pretty pro-divorce and think many women are happier single, but now is not the time to make this decision, imo.

@beenwhereyouare
Everything been said.

He’d irritate the hell out of me for some of those things. Following you around the house, the banging and shouting around the house. Changing a baby’s nappy doesn’t need doing every three hours, that would cost a fortune.
The bad definitely outweighs the good.

Give it time. Your relationship is in a difficult phase. Little kids are hard.

My DH used to follow me around until I told him to stop it. Took him a while but he did stop. Our kids are bigger now which helps.

The bad outweighs the good?

This isn’t anywhere on the scale of bad relationships. It needs work like any relationship.

I feel sorry for him actually.

Be careful what you wish for

@Rachelover60 - do you seriously think that's an acceptable way to speak to the op? Would you say that to her face? If you actually are over 60 I'd expect you to have better manners!

And op - nappies do need changing if they are just wet, of course they do!

I think the good probably outweighs the bad. If your husband is getting on your neeves following you from room to room then you need to let him know, without being unpleasant about it every time he is doing it. Maybe offer to give up one habit of yours that seriously gets on his nerves in return?

Also, perhaps on this occasion cut him some slack about not cleaning up after doing 3 days of DIY. Or make it a thing that you do together when you get back.

The single carefree man that you fell in love with isn't quite there any more and neither are you the same. Children make for a completely different life for a while. Everyone needs to adapt and be kind to each other.

It doesn't sound like there is any abuse on either side here and the marriage isn't actively bad... it's just not very good.

It sounds like it's his behaviours (following you, being loud) that annoy you, rather than his actual personality. Would that be fair to say?

Would you consider marriage counselling? Possibly a lot of this could be worked through with a neutral 3rd party helping you reach a compromise. EG - he stops following you round the house, you start getting an hour's "leave me the fuck alone" time daily, then commit to spending at least an hour every day with just you and him chatting, or watching TV together, etc.

If budget allows, maybe you could both agree that every 3 months, one of you will take a long weekend away and the other commit to looking after the DC. So both of you would get a child-free, partner-free 3-4 days, twice a year.

Sounds like many marriages with small kids. But cue all MN telling you how terrible it is and you should split. Mainly so you can be a lonely man hater like them. My advise is to Communicate with you DH and tell him what annoys you. Be honest with him. When the kids are older you’ll find your groove as a couple again.

a lonely man hater hmmm let me think, with that user name @SAHD, you are man?

If your conclusion from MN is that all women are man haters, then I’m not sure what you are doing on this website Tbh.

@Openletters, I think that what you are writing is totally relatable. Living with someone isn't always easy and there are always compromises to do. Many women feel that sort of relief when their DH goes away
On another side, it can also highlight, as you did, the good but also all the bad sides of the relationship. A house that is overall much calmer and relaxed is, for me, a bit of a red flag. Whether this is a real red flag or just the consequence of having two young children is up to you to say. But I certainly would keep an a close eye on it.

I second everything -beenwhereyouare has said, we used to have a date night on a Friday after kids were settled in bed, cheap pizza a beer each and a video (showing my age) on the sofa couldn’t afford anything more at all at the time, I’m so proud of the fact we worked through the difficult exhausting years, coz next years our silver anniversary and I love and fancy him more than ever xxx

It could all be worked on for definite BUT I guess what I forgot to add is DHs stubborn reluctance to commit to date nights, low sex drive, lack of energy etc which is making it difficult to fix.

I've read books, been to counselling, researched how to save our marriage, tried to meet like-minded joint friends, but he just does his own thing. He doesn't understand that marriages are hard work that need lots of attention and sensitivity. He just expects it all to work by itself.

He has had trouble prioritising my needs and sees me as "unreasonable" and accuses me of trying to kill his freedom. Hence me giving him a few days of pure freedom so he can get a taste of what it would really be like without us.

It takes two to make it work that’s for sure, it definitely doesn’t happen by itself, if your putting more effort into trying than he is then that’s not going to work out well. It has to be a team effort. I hope his breather/freedom for couple of days is enough to give him a short sharp shock!