My conclusion after a break from DH

[Openletters]

I just need to blurt out how I'm feeling...
Finally had a break from DH. 5 days alone with the kids to give him time to reflect and me time to decide if I want to lone parent. Here's what I've learned:

-He does loads more than I give him credit for- I forgot to change the babies nappy every 3 hours, something he does without any encouragement from me. I had nobody to put the rubbish out, a job he does without me noticing, he wasn't there to calm our emotional 6 year old when she lost her favourite toy, he wasnt there to help settle the baby at night, which he often does. I missed him and his help. He is so hands on.

• I've felt less hassled. He asks so many questions, he follows me into rooms and tells me lengthy, gossipy stories at bath time and bedtime and morning time when there is so much going on. I've had mental space. I haven't had to deal with his demands for attention on top of everyone elses.

-There has been no extra loud noises, no crashing around, no shouting from room to room, no loud singing, no loud devices, no constant fidgeting in bed, no tossing and turning. A lot quieter. Peaceful even at times.

-There has been no tension in the air, no crossed words, rolling eye balls.

-Ive missed him and us, but only the good times, which are few and far between. We had a good conversation on the phone this evening which turned sour when I admitted to forgetting to tell him something important. I was tired out from the kids and forgot; he tells me he's tired and has only just sat down. He's had the house to himself for 3 days at this point (doing DIY) but still... no kids around. I realise then that it wont change...

-He tells me the house is tidy but not clean as he's been too busy. I'm about to return to a dusty house due to the DIY.

In conclusion, I miss him as a father to my kids, they have missed him hugely, I have missed him reading to them and tucking them in at night and singing the baby to sleep.

I miss us when it was good, but I fear the good is gone and that I only really like him/love him now as a father to my children. I want to miss him romantically and I do, but he doesn't seem to be ghat man anymore.

Any thoughts?

So, he:
Changes nappies.
Puts the rubbish out.
Calms your child when upset.
Often helps you settle the baby at night.
Does DIY.
Reads to the kids.
Tucks the kids in at night.
Sings the baby to sleep.
Tidies the house.
Is always trying to engage you in chat.

Your gripes:
He and his gadgets are too loud.
You don't want him chatting to you when you're busy.
He fidgets in bed.
He has a low sex drive.
He has no energy.
He is reluctant to commit to date nights.

I don't think he's really getting a chance to reflect at all if he's doing DIY in your home. You are getting a chance to see what it would be like as a lone parent but he's slogging on the home. You can't possibly think he'll have had time to think about your relationship too.

Maybe if you each went away for a week separately and the other looked after the children, that would give a better chance to reflect. It's nearer to the situation if you split too as neither of you will have the children full time ever again.

I don't think counselling on your own will fix this. I think it needs couples counselling (as well as a commitment by both of you to improve the situation). I also think the situation is definitely salvageable....but only if you want it to be.

There are loads of relationships where people don't communicate and here is your DH following you around trying to have conversations and you don't want them. If it's just about timing when you are busy, you could ask him to save up some stuff for date nights.

Btw, you do seem to come across as thinking you have the monopoly on being tired. I think that's a bit unfair of you. Yes, you are tired from looking after the children alone but equally he can be just as tired from doing the DIY. It's not a competition.

We have two young children and I visit family without my DH for ten days or so at a time. I wouldn’t say I miss him romantically after 5 days! Normally takes a week before I want to come home. I would give the relationship more time tbh.