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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone help me make sense of this *might be sensitive*

36 replies

TwixTwice · 22/09/2019 20:51

This happened about a year ago but I’m still with the same bf.

There’s something sexual which I don’t like doing (something mainstream not anything kinky), we’d spoken about this more than once and I’d said I don’t like doing it and don’t want to.

One time when we were in bed he just started doing this thing, I didn’t ask him to stop because I think I was a bit in shock that he’d done it and I know he knew how I felt about it, I’d been clear in telling him.

So I just lay there and he noticed and stopped, then he tried to kiss me and I turned away because I was feeling a bit upset and like I hadn’t been listed to or my feelings were important. He got a bit upset with me saying he thought I’d like it and he was just trying to do something nice for me.

It still plays on my mind a bit. I find myself not wanting to suggest anything different because it comes into my mind that he wouldn’t stop if I didn’t like so I feel like I can’t always relax and enjoy sex. A part of me feels stupid for feeling like this because that’s the only thing thats ever happened. He’s usually lovely, treats me well, is generous and kind. I have a chronic illness of which one of the symptoms is tiredness and he never pressurises me for sex or moans if I say I’m too tired.

Sorry that turned out so long! I don’t know if I’m making too much of this or if I should try and forget it because it was only that one time? We’ve been together for 5 years. I think I still struggle to understand why he did it knowing how I felt about it and feel like because I don’t know that I’m waiting for something else to happen but then I don’t think he’d do anything like again though so can’t make sense of how I feel.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 22/09/2019 21:02

Without knowing what it was it is hard to say. Your mainstream might be my Eugh!.
He hasn't done it since, which is a good sign.

Savingforarainyday · 22/09/2019 21:08

Could be anything from sticking his tongue in your ear to unsolicited bumsex. Neither great if you said you don't want them, but one is grounds for dismissal, the other, probably not....
Can you give more information?

AiryFairyMum · 22/09/2019 21:11

What was the thing?

Windydaysuponus · 22/09/2019 21:13

It doesn't matter what it is if the op and her bf have discussed it and she has specifically said she doesn't like it /doing it. Time for another chat op.
Sex shouldn't leave you feeling like you have been op.

Nousernameforme · 22/09/2019 21:21

Normally ignoring sexual boundaries would mean it was over for me as i would find it hard to trust them again. But you have left it a year and he hasnt done anything like it again which could be proof he can be trusted.
Then again its been a year and you cant get past it( not saying you should just that you cant) so what future is there in this relationship for either of you

Ohyesiam · 22/09/2019 21:25

Op you don’t need to say what it is. It’s enough info to k ow that you don’t want it, you’d stated this , but you got t it anyway.
This is not ok.
Enjoyment of sex( andlife in general) hinges on knowing it’s going to be pleasurable, knowing you can trust your partner, knowing you will be listened to and above all knowing that something’s no you don’t want will not suddenly be on the menu.

It sounds like you have talked to him about it, but to relax and enjoy sex with him, you need to have this conversation.

You’re not being silly op,a boundary violation Is an important thing.

Original poster
TwixTwice · 22/09/2019 21:27

Sorry didn’t want to say what it was because it’s something completely normal and I thought that might affect what people would think about it.

It was oral sex, I don’t like it being done to me but I don’t mind giving it. It makes me feel really uncomfortable having it done to me and I don’t enjoy it.

It only happening once makes me feel like I should get over it because it’s something totally normal and nothing outside of boundaries if that makes sense? But I feel like I said how I felt and it was ignored, like his feelings about it mattered more than mine did and I can’t stop thinking that might happen again even though it hasn’t.

OP posts:
LemonAddict · 22/09/2019 21:28

You’d spoken about this thing.

You explicitly said you didn’t like it and didn’t want to do it.

One day he did it anyway without asking or warning you, and justified it by saying he “thought you’d like it”. Despite being told previously very clearly that you don’t like it and you don’t want to do it.

What a fucking twat. No you shouldn’t try and forget it. How can you ever trust him during sex again?

SherbetSaucer · 22/09/2019 21:33

It doesn’t matter if it’s considered a ‘normal’ sex act it was clearly off-limits and he crossed a line. I’d discuss it with him and say it still bothers you and is affecting you a year later. He needs to understand that his actions (not valuing your boundaries) have had long-term consequences! If he minimises how you feel, dump him!

fancytiles · 22/09/2019 22:04

Weird that he did it when you said you didn't like it

fancytiles · 22/09/2019 22:07

Posted too soon-

Weird that he did it when you said you didn't like it but he was probably just trying to get you to change your mind (men lol- their egos know no bounds...) he was probably thinking oh she didn't like it before but I will change her mind because I'm so great in bed. Well, he didn't change your mind, you still don't like it and told him as much and he hasn't done it since. I don't see the problem here (without being too insensitive..)

Deathgrip · 22/09/2019 22:21

It makes no difference what it was. Absolutely irrelevant. You told him you didn’t want to do it, he did it anyway.

This is a massive red flag and you’re not overreacting. He should respect your boundaries.

Original poster
TwixTwice · 22/09/2019 22:24

@fancytiles yeah that’s what he said about it, he thought I might like it if he did it. I can kind of see why because it’s something the majority of people enjoy but on the other hand I’d told him how I felt about it and felt like that was just completely ignored and what he wanted was more important.

Like @LemonAddict said it’s made me feel a bit uncomfortable and not trust him completely with sex, which I always did before, because it crosses my mind sometimes that say if I wanted to try something and didn’t like it I wonder if he’d stop or if he’d try again if he liked it and I didn’t because that’s what happened with this. He knew I wasn’t happy with it and how I felt about it, and I don’t think he’d do it again because of that but I can’t feel sure about it like I did before.

OP posts:
fancytiles · 22/09/2019 22:32

Yeah I totally get your point of view. Like you said you didn't like it... and you meant it! But I bet he was just like well I will show her how good it can be thinking he could do it better or something... so typical! He definitely shouldn't have done that but I guess the main thing is that when you were like no seriously I said I didn't like it and I meant it, he didn't do it again. So he did listen to you (in the end).

Interestedwoman · 22/09/2019 23:53

Nothing wrong with that OP, I don't like receving oral either, it just makes me jumpy. Most women might like it, but that doesn't mean we have to. It is creepy when someone tries to push it on us, and I definitely woouldn't want someone doing it without asking- that's kind of sexual assault really, as you didn't consent to that and made it clear.

I think you need to talk to him about it, and get him to reassure you some more that he won't spring anything of any kind on you again. With enough reassurance, hopefully you'll be able to relax into sex a bit more. Hugs xxxxx

beenwhereyouare · 23/09/2019 01:54

I agree that it was him thinking he could do it better and he probably really thought you might like it with him. And he stopped and hasn't tried again, so he could probably be trusted in the future.

Don't be afraid to ask to try new things. You just need to have a very clear discussion and agreement about when to stop, etc.

Maybe if he'd have told you he really wanted to please you, (asked first) with the understanding that you were in control of whether and when to stop, this would have been an entirely different experience for you. You might have been relaxed enough to enjoy it but even if you didn't, it wouldn't have been something you're struggling with a year later.

I hope you work this out.

busybarbara · 23/09/2019 02:06

"Weird that he did it when you said you didn't like it"

It becomes a challenge to see if he can do it "right". Especially if it's something seen as "harmless" and not painful as in this case. It helps to be more explicit in cases like this. It's like if you say I don't like Indian food to a keen cook. You can be sure they are going to try out some Indian food on you at some point. You need to say I don't like Indian food and if you give me any I will refuse it so don't even bother.

Deathgrip · 23/09/2019 06:09

I don’t know why I’m still surprised by the responses on threads like this.

It doesn’t matter what he thinks you’ll like. Just as you don’t get to decide to do something to him he’s explicitly told you not to because you think you know better.

If he thought you might like it with him because he’s an arrogant prick he should have talked to you about it, not just done it

category12 · 23/09/2019 06:17

It was a violation of your consent. And no wonder you can't trust him fully in the bedroom, because he has shown you that when he decides he knows better, he'll ignore what you've said. And won't even ask.

MrsAJ27 · 23/09/2019 06:23

Why have you left it so long and not talked about it?

MaverickSnoopy · 23/09/2019 06:33

From what you've said about him on the whole, he sounds like a decent guy. A decent guy who did a stupid thing. I don't think it was malicious, just stupid and possibly with the best of intentions. Not sure why men sometimes think they know us better than we do! Sorry that it's impacted you so much.

You said you talked, but was that straight after it happened? I think I'd be inclined to talk to him again and tell him how much it's playing on your mind and how it's affected you.

crestar · 23/09/2019 08:21

fancytiles

I absolutely agree with you here.

OP - you are being totally unreasonable and extremely high maintenance. You mentioned it to him previously and that's fair enough. But when you are in a close, loving relationship (not something distant, casual and aloof) i can completely understand how his actions could have come about. It's not about controlling, it sounds like you've been together a long time and he was trying to please you.

He hasn't attempted it since (a year!) and it was the only attempt - you really need to get over yourself or quite frankly, i think he should consider ending the relationship .

Original poster
TwixTwice · 23/09/2019 10:40

@crestar I think that’s a bit of a harsh reply, you think he should end the relationship because I don’t like something sexually?

Someone said up the thread that I should have been explicit, i don’t know how much more explicit I can get than literally saying the words I don’t like it, I don’t want to do it, it makes me feel uncomfortable?

After saying that and him still doing it, you think I’m over reacting to feel upset? Should I just let him do whatever he wants to me instead regardless of whether I like or not?

I can see I’m maybe being a bit unreasonable to still feel a bit upset about it, it doesn’t affect our relationship now though apart from me not wanting to try new things because I don’t feel like I can fully trust him, but he doesn’t know that, he knew I was upset at the time and he hasn’t done anything like that since so it seems like everything is ok but it still plays on my mind a bit and I don’t know how to get over it because it happened with someone I’d been with a while and trusted completely so its changed that way I think about him.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 23/09/2019 12:13

He isn't interested in whether you consent or not
He just wants to do what he wants to do regardless. I can't believe the nonsense on here saying he just wanted to do something nice for you! He could have made you a tea or bought you a present not ignored your sexual boundaries which you're totally entitled to have.

Deathgrip · 23/09/2019 12:24

OP - you are being totally unreasonable and extremely high maintenance.

Yes OP, how dare you have sexual boundaries? Your boyfriend loves you so he should be able to do whatever he wants to you whether it makes you uncomfortable or not.

Expecting your partner not to carry out non-consensual sexual acts is not being “high maintenance” FFS. She told him she didn’t want him to do it. He did it anyway. Absolute best case scenario is that he thinks he’s entitled to push her boundaries because he thinks she’d like it if she tried.

What if this was anal sex? Choking? Spitting? You don’t just decide to do something to someone when they’ve said they don’t want you to. It’s appalling. The fact that some women not only don’t understand this but blame the OP for being distressed by it is very telling.