Can anyone help me make sense of this *might be sensitive*

[TwixTwice]

This happened about a year ago but I’m still with the same bf.

There’s something sexual which I don’t like doing (something mainstream not anything kinky), we’d spoken about this more than once and I’d said I don’t like doing it and don’t want to.

One time when we were in bed he just started doing this thing, I didn’t ask him to stop because I think I was a bit in shock that he’d done it and I know he knew how I felt about it, I’d been clear in telling him.

So I just lay there and he noticed and stopped, then he tried to kiss me and I turned away because I was feeling a bit upset and like I hadn’t been listed to or my feelings were important. He got a bit upset with me saying he thought I’d like it and he was just trying to do something nice for me.

It still plays on my mind a bit. I find myself not wanting to suggest anything different because it comes into my mind that he wouldn’t stop if I didn’t like so I feel like I can’t always relax and enjoy sex. A part of me feels stupid for feeling like this because that’s the only thing thats ever happened. He’s usually lovely, treats me well, is generous and kind. I have a chronic illness of which one of the symptoms is tiredness and he never pressurises me for sex or moans if I say I’m too tired.

Sorry that turned out so long! I don’t know if I’m making too much of this or if I should try and forget it because it was only that one time? We’ve been together for 5 years. I think I still struggle to understand why he did it knowing how I felt about it and feel like because I don’t know that I’m waiting for something else to happen but then I don’t think he’d do anything like again though so can’t make sense of how I feel.

You inevitably get apologists coming on to threads questioning everything you do. Lot of people have fucked up ideas about consent.

It doesn't matter what it is.
If it's something you have expressly told him you don't like, then he shouldn't do it.
He still did it but you didn't object.
I totally understand why you don't feel listened to.
But.... he hasn't done it since.
And another but.... if you can't get past it then you need to end it.
If you think you can then you need to make that decision and move on.

Not easy OP. But this is purely your decision based on how YOU feel.
Don't let anyone tell you you are over reacting.
If it was anal it would be different!!???? It shouldn't be. It's a sexual act you are uncomfortable with.

Hi op.

Everyone has boundaries and things they dont like and they should be respected.

I think he probably did think to himself oh I'll give it a go she will like it but from what you said he realised you didnt and stopped. He hasnt done it again since.

Dont be afraid to try new things. Just explain your boundaries and if you say stop it stops.

To be honest me and dh have tried new things over the years. Some I was slightly cautious about but actually really enjoyed other things not so much so we just dont do them. Its trial and error with sex. Some things people like and another will think they're bonkers for even considering it.

I think this could be resolved in having a conversation about something you or him would like to try and then explaining that stop means stop and your boundaries.

I knew it would be oral. Talk about it or end it. Only you know if you two can build the trust or if its gone.

I don't think you were unreasonable to have been upset at the time. He did something you asked him not to.

I do think you are being unreasonable to be upset a year later yet you have not discussed this with your partner.

How is he supposed to reassure you when he has no idea you are still upset over his actions.

Your best option is to discuss this fully and frankly with him. You need to feel safe with him but without communication how can you?

I'd also go with the majority of replies, as this is so mainstream he probably thought you'd like it if he did it, and didn't understand just how objectionable you found it. he's clearly learned that's not th case, as this was a one off, I'd personally let it go, but only you can do you and decide how you feel.

Sorry I've just realised this was a year ago. What's causing you to post about it now?

I was like you in terms of receiving oral sex. Hated it, felt too exposed and vulnerable. I made it clear to my OH when we got together. I also said I enjoyed giving it. He said he really enjoyed giving but wasn't bothered about receiving himself. Therefore neither of us had oral sex. Simple. Over time we both independently felt that we were missing out on giving and wondered if, given we'd proven we were very compatible, adventurous and - vitally - could trust the other person it may be worth giving a go.

So we discussed it we agreed boundaries and we decided if either of us weren't happy it would be off the table again. Turns out we love it together. He once tried a particular move that I didn't like, I said "oh nope, dont like that" and he never did it again.

The key difference between you and I is that my partner took what I said as gospel and only suggested changes away from sex in a conversation without pressure (the same way I approached it).

Your partner decided he knew better than you and ignored your boundaries during sex. You are absolutely right to have been upset by it. I'm not sure how you handle it a year on, it depends if he can have a mature conversation I guess. Personally I'd sit him down and explain you are finding it hard to relax because he did this and that you need his assurance that you can trust him going forward. Sadly some people wouldn't cope with that and turn it onto a blame or hanging on to the past type argument.

For the record no one is strange for not liking something other people might like. Personal preference is just that, personal.

Thing is, once your faith in someone has been dented, it's pretty hard to smooth back out. The fact you're still worrying about this a year on speaks volumes.

Do you trust him not to try it again?

I don't like oral either and have had the same issue. It is people refusing to believe it and deciding it is because you haven't had good oral before. It is arrogance and a refusal to understand why not all people like the same things. I am pretty kinky and I think in my case that only made men and women less likely to believe I hated something mainstream.

In this case you have to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you. He did ignore your boundary, but if it has only ever happened once and he is normally respectful, then some may overlook it. Bit equally others may not as once is enough and that is okay too. He was equally welcome to walk away early on when you said oral wouldn't be part of your sex life, as some men have done in my case.

@Bluntness100 posting about it now, I’m not really sure I think because I don’t really understand how I feel about it still and wanted to see how other people would see it.

I do trust he wouldn’t do it again because he saw how I felt about it, but I still don’t feel 100% comfortable about it because he knew my feelings about it and still did it anyway. Like someone else said if he’d asked me if it was ok to do or we’d talked about it I’d feel differently but it was just that he did because he wanted to and I felt irrelevant and like nothing I said mattered. I guess that’s why I haven’t spoken to him about it again because we’d talked about it before, he knew how I felt about it and still did it so it didn’t feel like me saying how I felt or still feel now would matter. That’s probably being a bit unfair to him to still feel like that when he hasn’t done anything like it since. I will talk to him again and tell him how I feel and see if that helps.