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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife had an affair and lied about it

43 replies

DevastatedDadandHusband · 22/09/2019 14:55

I’ve been married 10years and we have a little girl. I’d half suspected my wife of infidelity for a few months and asked here face to face about it. To be met with a no. I asked again after someone told me about her cheating. Again no.
She eventually admitted to it happening in three occasions. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I have the ability to get over this with or without her.

It’s been a fortnight now we and we’ve been talking a lot, answering my questions but it’s haunting.

I want to make things work but am I going to resent her and me for being weak all my life.
Has anyone been through this.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 22/09/2019 15:29

Is it 3 different affairs or 3 one night stands?

Not been through it personally but I guess you need to decide if you want to stay with her or potentially split. If you decide to stay could you trust her not to do it again? Will you ever feel secure in your marriage? Is she willing to go to counselling? Are there things that led her to do what she did, beyond just being selfish? How old is your child?

Sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
DevastatedDadandHusband · 22/09/2019 16:01

Thanks for answering. It was the same person and I know it’s over. I do want to stay and I do think she is genuinely sorry it’s more am I going to invest everything into this to find in a year of 10years time it’s been constant hurt. Our little one is 7 and prob the only reason at the moment I want to make it work.

OP posts:
Leninahux · 22/09/2019 16:11

Well if you do stick it out at least you've got one in the bank if you want to stray in the future.

FuriousVexation · 22/09/2019 16:16

Did she eventually admit it because she felt bad for deceiving you, or because you found irrefutable proof?

JoyTurner · 22/09/2019 16:18

Awful advice @leninahux

So sorry OP. For me personally, I couldn’t get passed the lying and still not having the decency to tell you when other people knew it was going on.
It boils down to seeing if you can build back the trust and if you can see yourself being able to do that.

Original poster
DevastatedDadandHusband · 22/09/2019 18:31

She told me as she knew I was just about to find out. I suppose all I can do is try and see what happens. Everyone deserves a second chance it’s just whether that sort of thing is a character flaw that will rear again in future. Hence asking if anyone has been thru this and it’s been ok. Or indeed a disaster. Appreciate every sit is different.

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 22/09/2019 18:36

Whilst I understand what you are saying about everyone deserves a second chance, I think you need to see how you feel further down the line because stuff like this sadly can change your feelings longer term

thoughtIknewyou · 22/09/2019 18:43

About 4 weeks ago I found out by seeing text messages accidently that my OH was having an affair. I told him to leave. We have been together 15 years and have a daughter a little older than yours. I have been devastated. I would never have know if I hadn't seen a sexual message pop up on his phone when I was about to use his phone charger to use my phone.

It is normal to go through so many different emotions in the early days - devastation, anger, hurt and some days waves of each of them. My OH has been very very sorry but this has not helped how this sort of thing crushes your confidence and makes you feel worthless.

Having time apart is really useful if you can do that.It gives you space to consider if you want to try again and later discuss if you would like to give things another go - you need time to consider what needs to change in your relationship and whether or not you can trust her again.

Give yourself some space and time to consider how you really feel and maybe see a counsellor - they can help you through confusing feelings. Only you will know when your head is clearer whether you would ever be able to trust her again and whether you love her enough still to try again.

SherbetSaucer · 22/09/2019 18:54

I want to make things work

Why? For what possible reason? So she can fuck someone else behind your back again in the future. She only told you because you were about to find out. She’s not sorry and she will do it again! Making it work ‘for the kids’ normally ends in tears. Off-load her, she’s trash!

CloudyWithAChance2 · 22/09/2019 19:02

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ChristmasFluff · 22/09/2019 21:25

Remember this wasn't a 'mistake'. She cheated on you multiple times and only told you because she was about to be discovered. She had her 'second chance' when you first asked her about it and she lied. She had a third chance when you asked again.

Don't let being a man put you off looking at chumplady.com - she has the best advice for people whose partners have a different moral compass to the rest of us.

Original poster
DevastatedDadandHusband · 22/09/2019 21:56

Thanks Ithoughtknewyou.

That’s the first hand view I was hoping for. I realise I don’t need to make any final decisions now or soon. I need to grieve and clear my head and then see where I am. It’s all in my gift and I realise that now.

Thanks

OP posts:
RJoneszy · 22/09/2019 22:35

Sorry OP to hear you are going through this. It is easy to take advice from us strangers on the internet but you will take away what you only really want to hear.

I will say I have been in your position and stayed because my DP was genuinely remorseful and changed everything in his powder to make it work. She needs to stop all contact with OM and do everything in her power to make this work with you, it is her who should be on her knees to you... she needs to realise what she is about to lose.

RJoneszy · 22/09/2019 22:37

I do agree everyone deserves a second chance though and maybe they can change, only you know what is best for you. You sound really nice, I just hope she doesn't take you for a push over. She needs to realise what she has lost OP.

pointythings · 22/09/2019 22:40

I think you need not to make hasty decisions - not because your wife should be allowed to get away with what she did, but because any decision you make has to be one you can be at peace with.

As far as I am concerned, your priorities should be 1) your DD and 2) yourself. Your wife comes a distant third, she has betrayed both of you.

So keep talking, consider relationship counselling to find out what drove her infidelity and to work out whether you can rebuild the trust. If at the end of all that you feel that you can't trust her and that you would forever be thinking 'but what if'... then it's time to call it a day and split amicably, like adults.

Good luck. Flowers

Original poster
DevastatedDadandHusband · 22/09/2019 22:50

Thanks RJoneszy.

That gives me hope. Appreciate as is human nature you focus on the positive if its a positive outcome you do hope for. It could go pear shaped or I could be as lucky as you.

The person she was seeing worked with her. She’s resigned and is not working her full notice. She’s answered every question I’ve asked with the brutal truth. She seems to be doing everything I’ve asked of her with understanding.

The self doubt of being a fool is there but I know if push comes to shove I’ll do what’s best for me.

OP posts:
PaterPower · 23/09/2019 00:15

I wouldn’t put a lot of faith in if only having been three times, tbh. If she lied before (about the affair) then it’s very likely she’s minimising now.

People do manage to recover relationships after an affair, but I think it’s the exception and really not easy to pull off.

RJoneszy · 23/09/2019 14:13

@DevastatedDadandHusband that does sound like she is very remorseful and regrets what she has done, that is a good sign Thanks

Original poster
DevastatedDadandHusband · 23/09/2019 18:11

Time will tell. All I can do is learn and be better for it and if she get thee benefit great, if not I’ll be a stronger person...... fingers crossed.

OP posts:
Absolom · 23/09/2019 23:23

Has anyone been through this.

Yes. We are still together but it ruined my life. From the outside we look perfect, like we survived it and that's what I want people to think. I don't want to admit it has destroyed me, that I'm unhappy and that I was wrong in staying and ignoring all the advice I should have taken back when it happened. I never mention it to him or anyone else, but it has affected me permanently to the point I feel my life is ruined and wasted.

am I going to resent her

Yes. You will never forget. You will never stop thinking about it. It might not be as strong as it is now, but the thought will never go away. After being through it myself my advice to anyone in that situation is to leave now. Don't let it go on as I did. Start again while you have the chance instead of wasting more of your life on this poor excuse for a human.

Absolom · 23/09/2019 23:25

Oh and they're all remorseful when they get caught.... Hmm
Means nothing at the end of the day. They have already had their fun and if they get to keep their happy family at the end of it then they win all round. No consequences for them, so maybe they can get away with it again sometime... And maybe you won't find out that time....

Original poster
DevastatedDadandHusband · 24/09/2019 00:50

Maybe, probably. Who knows. Appreciate the feedback from those having been through it. Arghhhhh!

OP posts:
Blueoasis · 24/09/2019 06:03

You deserve better than having to look at her for the rest of your life knowinh what she has done, what she is capable of and what she may do again. There's a lot of time left in your life, do you really want to spend those years looking over your shoulder, worrying and resenting her? It's a terrible existence.

Your daughter will notice the negativity between you as well, and it will affect her badly. Better off to be separated and get along than together and fighting. Remember that while currently your wife is apologetic and seems sorry, she actually isn't or she wouldn't have done it 3 times or more, and she also wouldnt have lied about it until she was backed into a corner. There will come a time where she blames you for it, and then the resentment will build. Best to get out before the arguments start.

Ilovefishcakes201 · 24/09/2019 07:49

If you’re a decent guy then you’ll have no problem moving on.
Do not stay with her because you’re afraid of being on your own.

Goatrider · 24/09/2019 07:54

How do you know she's answering your questions truthfully?

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