Wife had an affair and lied about it

[DevastatedDadandHusband]

I’ve been married 10years and we have a little girl. I’d half suspected my wife of infidelity for a few months and asked here face to face about it. To be met with a no. I asked again after someone told me about her cheating. Again no.
She eventually admitted to it happening in three occasions. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I have the ability to get over this with or without her.

It’s been a fortnight now we and we’ve been talking a lot, answering my questions but it’s haunting.

I want to make things work but am I going to resent her and me for being weak all my life.
Has anyone been through this.

Does she still have affection for you? Do (did) you see yourselves together in old age? If so, that's a great foundation to move forwards together. If not, maybe time to move on.

Why would you want to stay with someone who thinks so little of you that she slept with a work colleague at least three times? Who thought so little of her own daughter that she risked splitting up the family for the sake of a few fucks?

You do realise your marriage will never ever be the same? Every time she goes out on her own, you'll wonder what she is doing, not just today, tomorrow but in six months, a year, two years. Do you want to live like that?

Please don't do the "sake of the children" thing. Because they pick up on stuff far more than you realise.

I think you really need to ask yourself WHY you want to make things work with her. For what end? There clearly isn't anything special about her and she clearly isn't the person you thought she was.

I would ask her to leave for a few weeks to give you space to see if you want to stay married to her.

She cheated. She lied. She only told you because you were going to find out anyway.

What do you really want? I think you deserve the time and space to figure this out.

The next ten years of your life is a big investment and you don't want to waste it on a deceitful, adulterous partner.

Only 3 times? I wouldn’t believe that for a start.

You will never be able to trust her again and she will cheat on you again.

Have some self respect and divorce her.

What have you decided to do OP?

Unfortunately this happened to my son. 2 children aged 6 and 2 at the time. He forgave her the first time but not the second time she did it. They split up but remained friends, amicably co-parenting. My son has a new partner but she is still on her own 12 years later.

My friend decided to stay with her DH following his affair and it's literally destroyed her and their marriage. She picks and bickers at him year's later because deep down she doesn't trust him and can't let go of what he did and might do again. He also cheated on his first wife so he's got history of it and that's only what she knows of. She's bitter and resentful of my happy relationship after being single for years.

I wish she'd left him and found some peace and happiness. In fact I wish she'd do it now because she's not the person she was and it's so sad to see.

At the time, I supported her whatever her decision and 'people make mistakes', 'deserve a second chance' but in hindsight I wish she'd left him. My advice would be your DW has lied to you, betrayed you and shown who she is. Find someone who is decent and loves you because you'll be forever tormented wondering if she's doing it again

I would be very careful of getting couples counselling. There is a very real possibility that the counsellor will subscribe to the school of thought that you are both to blame for the betrayal and your wife will go along with this as it largely absolves her of the blame. Nothing will get resolved and it will plant the seeds of an undying resentment within you whilst funnelling cash out of your bank account.
By all means go for CC but if the finger gets pointed at you and you genuinely think that it shouldn’t be, leave the room and never go back because you are effectively paying to be gaslighted.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I haven't been through it myself but from friends experiences, it's often just the tip of the ice berg.

I hope that you can find some inner peace but please remember none of this is your fault.

Thanks to everyone that’s replied. Esp those that have been through this and offer first hand thoughts.

I’m fairly sure she’s telling the truth now for a variety of reasons. I’m going to try and give it a go - if in a years time it’s still crap I can leave then. But at least I’ve tried. Apart from this we’ve a great life and saw this being forever.

It might be that this is something that will never go away and I can or can’t accept it, but either way it can bring good for me in my own personality. I’ve already become more straightforward in speaking with her and what I want to happen and that has built my own confidence. I realise I’m in control. I’m not going to wallow or take sh”t. At the moment it’s my way or no way.

Yes I am nervous about couples therapy for the reason someone said. I’ve already told her that what she did was never acceptable, it didn’t matter how she felt. I’ve said I’ll deal with issue that she felt was there before her stray once im happy that there is trust and I can deal with this.

Some of the replies/posts on here are so Jeremy Kyle - I thought my question was fair and straightforward but some of the daft replies.... I’m glad I know which to think about and which to ignore.

I’m in a similar position to you. 25 years married, one year gone since the affair. I’m still deciding what to do!

Time doesn’t really change things or make them easier, but the initial trauma has worn off and I’m getting on with life, although a different life to what I thought.

I've been in your position and read of a lot of other people's experiences.

I think you are in denial at the moment. It is so hard to accept that the person that you loved and trusted more than anyone else in the world has betrayed you. So you want to believe her, you convince yourself that she is genuinely sorry. But, really if she was that sorry she wouldn't have shagged him again after the first time would she?

You probably don’t realise it yet but you have suffered a trauma. An injury you recover fully from and you toddle off afterwards like nothing happened. By definition though, a trauma is qualitatively worse than a mere injury - you are not the same afterwards as you were before. Think: breaking your arm versus losing you arm.

As a result, you have been handed a hard and unwelcome choice: embrace the enforced opportunity to undergo post-traumatic growth (not a breezy journey) or try to stay in your pre-trauma comfort zone trying to pretend that nothing happened - nothing serious anyway. That won’t end well for you, I guarantee it.

Your marriage btw, is also traumatised. It will not be the same. You probably don’t want it to be. But what do you intend to replace it with? How do you rebuild something anew that you liked as it was? Should it even be up to you given the circumstances? All hard questions you’ll resent having to find answers for. The fundamental rules have changed without warning and your opponent will likely not want to discuss them with any degree of openness; they’ll just want to play by the old rules because they are not traumatised.

It’s a distressing and complex situation to be in so don’t beat yourself up when your trajectory goes awry from time to time. This is why so many people just shoot out the advice of LTB. It’s easier in many ways. Whether it’s less painful depends on the person.

Best of luck.

An ex cheated on me and I tried to forgive him.be cause we had a child together. I just couldn't trust him again though and I'm glad I decided to split up with him. After I split up with him, I learned from a friend that he had come on to her whilst I was in hospital pregnant with his child.

LTB ?

Leave The Bastard/Bitch

Thanks JC. Your thoughts are well put and appreciated. Esp the last paragraph. That makes sense of a few things for me.

What gives me hope is that there isn’t resentment to me for asking all the horrible questions; not about the physical but the emotional and character questions. I’m getting sometimes horrible answers but that they are horrible makes me think they are true and that’s a start. We will see.

If not i can start again!