Overthinking breakup

[Unicornz]

To cut a long story short, my ex, the father of my children, the man i was engaged to and have spent the last few years together with has left me. He originally stated he needed a break. I feel like maybe i pushed the situation too much as i dont deal well with uncertainty and that this is what has caused it to become a break up rather than a break. If it even is actually a complete break up. I dont know anymore. Im constantly thinking things over, i cant get my head around it. Ive reached the point now where im obsessing over it so much i can barely eat or sleep. Its not so bad in the day but once the kids are in bed my mind goes into overdrive. Im convinced hes seeing someone else even though he says hes not. I just cant come to terms with it. We are currently having very minimal contact, mostly about the kids although we have seen eachother since the break up. It killed me but i managed to completely fake being ok and if anything he seemed to be the one that kept having moments. I just need someone to tell me its all going to work out. Failing that give me a slap and tell me to snap out of it

Some of the texts he has sent me, so people can help me figure out if its completely over or just a break.......

Him; i don't understand either this is what I'm trying to get my head round I dont want to lose you but at the same time I think a break might do me some good

Me; But what do you mean by a break? Like a complete relationship over kind of break or just a we dont see or speak to eachother for abit but are still together kind of break?
Him; I think both

Me; How does that work? You cant not be in a relationship but still be together. Or do you mean, you dont wanna be together and you also dont want to see or speak to me at all?
Him; No I still want to see and speak to you.. like I said I dont want to lose you but i dont think being in a relationship right now is good for me

Me; Dont want to lose me, like as a friend? Is there someone else?
Him; No there isn't anyone else

Me; Ok, and the first part? Im just trying to make sense of it all. I mean if you still wanna be with me but just need a break from everything then we can do that without breaking up if thats what you want. Like still be in a relationship but just not acting like we are, as in you dont feel the added stress of feeling like you need to be there for me or making time to see me or anything like that at the moment, so a break in that sense but we're still together. But if its that you dont love me anymore or just see me like a friend again then just tell me.
Him; I think I need the break to figure that out
Me; So a proper break up, not just a break?
Him; I think so

I think the best thing for me right to just to have space
Me; Ok. Well you can have all the space you need but i need to know quite what that entails. Are we over? Do you still want updates on the girls or are you just wanting to see things if i post them? I know im asking alot of questions and im sorry. I just wanna be clear on where we stand with everything
Him; Yeah I still want updates on them and il do the best I can to be in there lives but I'm sorry to say and I really am but we are over but we never know what the future will hold I'm sorry but I need to be honest I wish I wasnt the way I am right now
Just know non of this is you or your fault this is all me and I'm sorry

Him; I'm sorry this has happened I will always care for you. Your the mother of my children and I will always be there for the girls. You've got nothing to say sorry for

Me; Not enough to tell me though. You dont just wake up one day and decided you dont love someone anymore. Theres obviously more to it that youre not saying. You know whatever it is you can tell me. Itll hurt but id rather you were just honest with me. It cant be any worse than the things going round in my head at the moment
Him; Think in honestly in fell out of love with you and didnt know how to say it I'm sorry I really tried to carry on Me; When? Before we went away? While we were gone? While when we didnt see eachother? I dont think you just fall out of love with people. Things take work sometimes but you have to be willing to work for them. Like i said only a week or so ago you were saying how in love with me and how much you missed me and couldnt wait til we got our own place. You even said you wanted another baby sometime soon. Are you say that was all a lie?
Him; I don't know the thoughts in my head have been there since before we went away and I thought is was just a passing thought and the rest of it I dont know like I said my head is all messed up
Me; is there really nothing we can do to try and work things out?
Him; I mean right now it should stay the way it is I need my time I'm sorry. And i mean it I really am sorry

A few days later....
Me; You dont just fall out of love for no reason. There must have been something id done or not done for you to feel that way. Things take time and effort and its not fair that you didnt even tell me what was going on to see if we could work it out before it got this far. If you loved me as much as you said then you wouldve wanted to try. I know id not been talking much lately and youve probably felt like i wasnt interested and that plus not seeing each other and no sex and that can very easily make you feel like we arent connecting anymore but you couldve atleast have told me how you were feeling and have given it until after we'd seen eachother again to make sure you still felt the way you did before ending things the way you did
Him;Well I'm sorry it's at this point.. but I cant go back on it now I will talk to my mum about putting something place for seeing the girls and after some time we can start meeting up instead of going though my mum
Me; Why cant you? Is what we had not worth atleast trying? Was it really that bad?
Him; im sorry but for now i think thats best
Me; you say you understand how hard this is but theres honestly no way you could
Him; Your right theres no way i could understand how you are feeling.. but things will work out and I will make sure I start seeing them on a regular basis. Just know out of all of this I will always do the right thing by the girls and I know me breaking up with you isn't exactly doing best by them. You are an amazing mother and I know you always will be
Me; You should have talked to me and told me what was going on and given us a chance to work at it together instead of just getting into your own head until it got too far. Are you really not prepared to try at all?
Him; im not prepared to talk about it right now

And thats the last we have said about either the relationship or the break up

Sorry, i know its alot to read through and it didnt post the spaces to separate it up abit either. But please. Im absolutely going out of my mind

I'm sorry OP. Let this one go. He had made his position clear. He doesn't want you. You must accept that.

There is either another woman in the picture, or he wants to play the field a bit and see if someone out there is better. Its such a cliche. He will find the grass isn't greener, but you must not be there waiting to take him back. He will have no respect for you, and will be settling, so it will end up in hurt for you because he will do it again.

Go and live your life, focus on yourself and one day you'll meet a man who will love you for you. And you'll be glad this all happened.

Its just the fact he first said break and then all the for nows and things. It plays on my mind thinking maybe there is still some hope that once hes had his space he'll be open to trying again

No, he was just being a coward/keeping his options open. Soooooo many people do this and it's not fair.

He wants you to be there with open arms just in case he decides to come back? Hell no. You should have more self respect than that. He is showing you none, so have it for yourself.

You won't fully understand his reasons because they are in his head not yours. Just accept the message: he has moved on and so must you now.

Please don't torture yourself. And if in time you find out there is another woman, don't compare yourself to her. He has made a choice. Now you must choose how you live the rest of your life. You deserve to be happy and with someone who loves you wholeheartedly.

Im sorry but its pretty clear the relationship is over for him and i think the uncertainty is because he hasnt quite got the courage to be clearer.

Dont torture yourself with going over it all but i know its hard to take in. You need time to process whats happened. Have you got family/friends to support you through this. Limit contact with him, it wont make you feel better.

But i dont know how when i still have to see him for the children. The time we have spent together with them since the break up has been just like normal, as though nothing has changed

I think you’ll have to let this go, he’s being pretty clear, as best he can be anyway without being cruel. You really can just fall out of love with people and it’s not nice obviously and it hurts but I’m sure if he could flick a switch to make himself love you again he would. There may be someone else or there may not be, it doesn’t really change the outcome for you so I wouldn’t obsess over that. Focus on yourself now and creating a good situation for the kids and in time you’ll move on. There’s someone else out there for you.

We've been on and off in a way before we got together properly but since we met we've always been in eachothers lives, even when things werent great, he always knew i was there so wouldve always know he had me as a back up. And im not proud of that. Do you think maybe if i continued no contact and he actually felt what it was like to lose me after all this time that he might start to realise that perhaps he cant keep getting away with things like this and step back up?

He’s clearly telling you it’s over. I don’t know what more he could say really. It sounds like he’s been unhappy a while. You’ll have to start looking at the practicalities of co-parenting your children as amicably as you can. Sorry

He hasnt seemed unhappy. Things had been great. We got along so well. Why would he be still telling ne he loved me and wanted another baby, right up untill days before ending things. Could it not have been his anxiety as hes very insecure snd suffers with severe anxiety and depression and we hadnt seen each other in a little while

He hasnt taken down anything on social media apart from his relationship status. Everything else is still on there so anyone looking would still believe we were together

I think you just want everyone to agree with you that he doesn’t mean it and he’ll come back. The messages you’ve posted read clearly that this is not the case.
He might not have seemed unhappy outwardly. Everyone thought I was fine when I was with my ex but inside I was deeply unhappy. You need to start coming to terms with this as best you can

Why did he do this by text op? Why didn't you live together? Sounds like he's never wanted to commit if you were both still living with your parents even with dc.

I think it's better you try to move on. Of he has a change of heart you can't trust him not to do this again.

Could the feelings he lost not come back while we're spending time together. To anyone on the outside we still very much seem like a happy family when we're together

Im living with my parents at the moment as im helping to care for my mum and hes in shared accomodation. We used to stay at his alot though and he did it through text as because of a few problems in my home life we hadnt seen eachother for a little while

Oh wow. Isn't this at least your third thread on this? But now you're posting as the ex instead of as the OW, trying to figure out if he wants her back now he's had his fun with you. Have you taken all these messages from his phone?! So much for dumping him like you were adamant about the other day. He's a total prick, whichever way you write it!

No definitely not. Do you think thats the case with mine. That there is or was another woman and thats why he left? Could it be because we hadnt been having sex because we hadnt seen eachother? Do you think he couldve left to get sex from someone else and would then come back?

OP, you are in the denial phase of breakup. Denial and over analysis. You only want to hear advice that says he will come to his senses, fall back in love with you and you get your happy ever after. I'm sorry but that is now gone with this man. Look forward. Concentrate on making yourself happy by yourself. The future will be good, but not with this man.

It still could happen

Ive seen it happen for other people. Even after bad break ups full of tears and anger and ours hasnt been. We still get along great, surely that just puts us that step closer to being able to pull things back

He doesn't want that though, for whatever reason. There is probably someone else but if not he wants to explore that. Concentrate on your children.

Does he work in the kitchen at a pub by any chance.
If so, it's one of the barstaff.