Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do my parents still get to me so much?

42 replies

Pinkchampagne · 11/08/2007 08:57

I know what they're like, I know they will never accept my reasons for ending my marriage, but I still get myself upset by their comments & their relationship with my ex.

He has now moved out of their house & into his own (finally!), but is round my parents for dinner, taking dad out for drinks,and arranging to cook for them in his new house on Sunday.

I was at my sister's 30th birthday party last w/e, and the band sang a song that was featured on my wedding video, which led to my parents saying "Ahh, listen, it's your wedding song", then dad said "Where's your husband?
I try to ignore, but it does get to me.

Saw them briefly yesterday, and mum was saying how she worries about ex H now he's all alone in his new house.
I said "Well I have been all alone for 3 months now"
To this dad said "Yes, and who's fault is that?"

I didn't answer him, I know from past experience that trying to explain does no good, and I will end up more upset & frustrated, but they do get me down with all this. I wish I could be tougher, I know I should be much stronger with them.

I don't know why I'm typing all this, I think I just need to get it out.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 11/08/2007 09:01

That sounds awful, they are your parents and should want you to be happy! It's a shame they are behaving like this, what about if you have some space from them for a while? Give yourself some recovery time without them infering and bringing you down. You have done very well to end it and cope on your own for 3 mths without their support i'm sure you could deal with it all even better with some space from them and if they ask you why then be honest.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 11/08/2007 09:10

They live pretty close to me, but I have been trying to keep more of a distance since the separation, although with nan's recent death, I have been seeing more of them recently.

I wish I could just slough it off, but it does get to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 11/08/2007 09:26

I guess I just need to try harder to take it all with a pinch of salt, and keep my distance as much as possible.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 11/08/2007 09:28

Why not have a chat with your mum and tell her how much they are hurting you and you dont need it on top of your nans death, dealing with children and work etc, mums are meant to support us.

BandofMothers · 11/08/2007 09:38

They apparently feel the need to support your ex too. Can't you ask them to do this without rubbing your face in it, or telling you anything about it.
Are they trying to hurt you???

Tell them off, they are supposed to love you most of anyone in the world. You are their DD.
Write a letter if you can't do it to their faces.

What did your ex do???

elasticsortinghandstand · 11/08/2007 09:42

terrible for you.
Do they actually know why you split up, from your POV, perhaps just know his as he has been so chummy with them.
my mother's inlaws were pretty good to her, i don;t know how they were to their own son, pretty good i should hope.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 11/08/2007 09:42

I could try doing that I guess, LMG, but I have tried before to talk to her & tell her my reasons for the separation, and I got nowhere with it all.
They tried everything to try & stop me going through with it, and now they have this kind of intense relationship with my ex husband, and I'm sure they want to see me fail on my own & go back to him.

OP posts:
elasticsortinghandstand · 11/08/2007 09:43

they are really not helping are they?

BandofMothers · 11/08/2007 09:43

WHY??

Goodness, I would rant and rage at my mum if she took anyone's but my side.

elasticsortinghandstand · 11/08/2007 09:45

phaps your reasons "get" to them somehow?
they obviously don't approve.

kittywits · 11/08/2007 09:47

Why is your ex treating them in such a 'chummy' manner? Is it a way for him to get at you do you think?
It does seem strange that he has this relationship withthem .
I certainly agree that you should tell your parents how you are feeling.
Hope things get better for you soon

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 11/08/2007 09:52

My ex husband has issues with his temper, and I couldn't cope with it anymore. It wasn't just affecting me, but also my two boys.
I tried everything to make the changes without it coming to this - nobody would want to end their marriage if there was any other way, it is a huge thing. I had talk after talk, gave him chance after chance, forced him into anger management/counselling, but at the end of it all the problems were still there, so I felt I was left with no choice. It was (and still is) hard though, it was one of the toughest things I have been through in my life.

My dad threatened to wash his hands of me if I went through with it, but he hasn't, he was all talk.

I tried to sit mum down & explain it all last year, but felt I got nowhere fast. She said that dad has a temper & she stayed with him for our sake.

OP posts:
Pruners · 11/08/2007 09:53

Message withdrawn

elasticsortinghandstand · 11/08/2007 09:53

that's the rub then isnt it?
you were very brave, she not so

Freckle · 11/08/2007 09:57

PC, you do know why they are doing this. Because your ex is a control freak and so is your dad. Your mum has put up with your dad all these years and, if she agreed with your divorce and your reasons for doing this, she would be accepting that her own marriage is a fraud and she just isn't going to do that. Your dad obviously has very fixed ideas about how a marriage should be conducted and he is obviously going to support your ex because he is his marriage clone.

Move on and move away (emotionally). Just ignore their comments and they will eventually have to accept that this is your life now and nothing they say is going to persuade you back to a miserable and abusive marriage.

Jojay · 11/08/2007 10:02

Wot Freckle said.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 11/08/2007 10:16

Thanks, I know you're right in what you say, Freckle. I do try hard to ignore them, they never get a reaction from me now, but sometimes they do get to me inside, and I get cross with myself.

I have gone against everything they wanted me to do, which at one time wouldn't have happened - and now I guess I am seen as the bad one, while ex H is the poor wounded soldier.
He is still wearing his wedding ring, which must please them. He moves it onto his little finger when he goes to the pub, and then it goes back on his ring finger.
I know they are all playing games still.

OP posts:
Freckle · 11/08/2007 10:29

Well, the worm has turned and they really can't cope with the fact that you don't just do exactly as you are told to do, whether by ex or by them.

It's their problem. Don't let them make it yours. I know it must hurt when your parents choose to support ex rather than you, but it won't be forever. He's now in his own house. He may even meet someone new later on. How are your parents going to deal with that?? Will they invite him and his new woman to dinner? I suspect not. He will eventually move on too. He's enjoying all the attention for now but it won't last indefinitely.

Just enjoy being in your own home with your boys and let whatever they say wash over you. Try to visualise standing in a strong wind, with it blowing through your hair and, when it's gone, you feel refreshed. The wind is their words and once past you it's gone. Every time they say something like that, visualise that and the fact that it doesn't affect you. Ooer, get me. Gone all alternative .

BandofMothers · 11/08/2007 10:30

Perhaps you should confront your dad esp about the similarities in the 2 marriages. Say that just because your mum puts up with it doesn't mean every woman will.
Don't be mean, but just say if you can't except it and you want me to stay with a man that makes me unhappy, then maybe I will have to cut you out too.

It's just a thought. You called his bluff before, he has seem that you fully intend to do it to your ex. Perhaps he will believe you will do it to him, and back off a bit.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 11/08/2007 10:31

I think maybe they see that we can be quite amicable and have hope that we will get back together, but if I ever meet anyone else they will go mad because they will realise there is no hope. Dad may well choose to have nothing more to do with me if that happens, and this is my fear, although it shouldn't bother me. They are still my parents though, and I hate all this.

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 11/08/2007 10:34

Of course it bothers you. They're your mum and dad, but they have to accept that you are your own person and wont do as you are told.
You are a grown up. Sometimes we still feel like kids around our parents, but stand up to them.
You can do it.
Tell them you will one day meet someone else, and what will they do??
Tell them it will happen, and that when it does, if they are going to disown you then you would rather do it now, on your terms.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 11/08/2007 10:38

X posted.

I will try your wind visualisations, Freckle!

I have been getting quite depressed with it all recently, but I shouldn't let it get to me like this.

BOM - talking to dad is a total waste of time - you will never get your point across because dad is never prepared to listen, but just rants above you in a very dictorial manner.

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 11/08/2007 10:41

Even if you go to him and tell him you want to talk to him, but that you want him to listen and not say anything til you've finished??

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 11/08/2007 10:44

I could try it, but I have never managed to get dad to listen to me yet, he is impossible to reason with.

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 11/08/2007 10:48

It's very upsetting when your parents don't demonstrate unconditional love and support for you.

My father doesn't think very much of me, and my mother likes to keep everything on an even keel, so she doesn't step in to defend me really.

I aim to turn all this into a positive thing, by ensuring that my children always know they can turn to me with any problems, and know that I will be there for them.

But it doesn't stop me getting upset by the behaviour of my parents, so I really sympathise with your situation, PC.