Why do my parents still get to me so much?

[Pinkchampagne]

I know what they're like, I know they will never accept my reasons for ending my marriage, but I still get myself upset by their comments & their relationship with my ex.

He has now moved out of their house & into his own (finally!), but is round my parents for dinner, taking dad out for drinks,and arranging to cook for them in his new house on Sunday.

I was at my sister's 30th birthday party last w/e, and the band sang a song that was featured on my wedding video, which led to my parents saying "Ahh, listen, it's your wedding song", then dad said "Where's your husband?
I try to ignore, but it does get to me.

Saw them briefly yesterday, and mum was saying how she worries about ex H now he's all alone in his new house.
I said "Well I have been all alone for 3 months now"
To this dad said "Yes, and who's fault is that?"

I didn't answer him, I know from past experience that trying to explain does no good, and I will end up more upset & frustrated, but they do get me down with all this. I wish I could be tougher, I know I should be much stronger with them.

I don't know why I'm typing all this, I think I just need to get it out.

PC, it's worth a try isn't it??
Rather than become estranged from them.
It's like when you're struggling with your DH/DP, if you try everything, then you , and they, have nothing to reproach yourself with later.
You can proudly say that you tried everything to no avail.

If all else fails write him a letter. Would he stop reading it half way thru to contradict it??

Anything is worth a try I guess, BOM!

HC - sorry you have a difficult relationship with your dad.
Sounds like you are a great mum to your own children though!

Thanks, PC.
Right back at cha!

Give it a go PC.

Maybe he'll surprise you[hopeful]
If not you haven't really lost anything.

Good luck!!!

Thanks, BOM. I won't hold my breath, but you can but try!

Hi PC

Just wanted to empathise, my mother and sister always disliked my friends and would slag them off, but as soon as my friend and I had a bust up and I went to them for support they would turn round with 'oh you are mean! fancy doing that, you are nasty!'...I'm never mean deliberately and I do not aggravate arguments, I like a peaceful life as they well knew. But the pain of having them take the side of the person who wronged me (and they previously disliked)...I know they were my mates and this is about your ex h but I get the feeling of betrayal...they are meant to be on YOUR side, and it would be okay for them to be polite with him when they bumped into him...but what they are doing is cruel. They don't seem to have an ounce of empathy for how YOU feel. I think you've hit the nail on the head about your mother putting up with your father and his tempers...after all if she put up with it (and suffered for it) why the hell shouldn't you? Well just because it was 'okay' for her to do that, it doesn't make it okay for you to put up with it. You are much stronger than your mother or your father, and from what you have said there has been a huge effort on your part to turn the marriage around and to confront the issue head on. They should be damn proud of you, instead they choose to stick their heads in the sand and do something so low as to get at you by siding with your ex h. Its said that we choose our partners by their similarities to our fathers.

Your parents seem to be harming you with their actions, I think the letter a good idea, but like you said (and I had to smile) don't hold your breath for a turnaround in their attitude! I did not have one with my letter. Just justification and defending actions. Just another thought...did you know if one negative thing happens to you, it takes five positives to negatate its effect on you? So just think of the negative things your parents are saying, just what impact are they having on you and your happiness and need to be strong for yourself and dc? Give yourself some space from them, physical and emotional. Get support from friends, see a councellor if you have the money or can do it on nhs.

You can get through this. Their behaviour is insensitive and unempathetic and dare I say it, seems spiteful? Whereas yours seems fair (to sort out ex h behaviour) but very emotionally strong. Amazed at your strength to split from ex h. Your parents should be proud.

x

Thanks, ally90.

Sorry you had difficulties with your own parents - it is hurtful isn't it?

I really don't hold out any hope in getting my point across with dad - I haven't managed once in my 34 years, so I can't see him listening now.

Didn't know about the one negative thing
needing five positives to negatate it's effect on you - that is interesting. I need a damn lot of positives to come my way now then!

I had NHS counselling recently, ally, but was only able to have 6 sessions. My counseller was very good and helped me a lot. She suggested I go on to think about some psychotherapy to deal with all the issues with my parents, but I haven't looked into that option yet.

You may not be able to afford it but by the fact you are open to it shows you are different to your mother father and ex h. You also seem quite observant ie why your mother and father don't want you to split from ex h is due to their relationship being the same. All good for your children!

I'm afraid I am rather bias on separating from parents, having taking so much sh*t from mine over the years then breaking all contact, I'm for anyone taking a break from parents/family or separating from them. If family is supportive and positive and loving, fantastic. If not, cut loose if they cannot make the changes they need to make to be those 3 simple things.

I make it sound so easy...

Pchampagne,
Sometimes the only way to deal with something is not to deal with it.My brother actually accused my dp of being a child abuser(not to our faces but to my parents and gparents amongst others)He said that my dp 'took his sister away from him' and tried blaming my agoraphobia on my dp also when in reality it was caused by him and others in our family.In the end the only way to make it right was to remove him from our lives.It almost cost us our relationship but we were thankfully strong enough to come through.
Although your situation isn't exact it is close enough in that you are suffering for their ignorance as I and my family have for my brothers.We only speak at family functions etc to be polite but do not go out of our way to speak with them.Our lives have improved so much that I am finally starting to deal with issues that have caused probs and am now trying to fight my phobia.
I hope you don't have to go as far as I but at the same time you have to put yourself and ds's first.Take that break for a while and start over,if nothing changes you can then work from there

Their behaviour is not what you would hope from your parents. They aren't supporting you when you could do with some support - in fact they seem to be trying to undermine you. Hopefully they are doing this because they love you and they are just somewhat misguided. But rational arguing is probably not going to get them to see sense as I am sure you have tried that endless times already.

You need to be the adult here and I think their behaviour has been disloyal, hurtful and childish. The only answer is for you to find the support you need elsewhere and to stop looking to them to provide it.

Freckle is very wise, and I agree totally with what she said. Your actions in splitting up have thrown sharp light on your dad's behaviour and your mum's own inability to deal with it. No wonder they want the easy path and to 'blame you' for your split.

Their actions are really nasty though and I'm sorry and angry for you that you're not getting the support you deserve from your own parents.

My brother split from his very long term partner, who as someone said earlier, we had wholeheartedly welcomed into the family. Of course we were all upset and found it hard to accept; however we showed my brother nothing but love and acceptance that he did what he did for his own good reasons; and we did keep in touch with his ex, but as a completely seperate issue, it was not something we talked about with him at all.

So it doesn't have to be like it is for you. Your parents are behaving truly dreadfully and it's their loss that they can't appreciate their own daughter.

i honestly think keeping as independent from them as possible will save your sanity.

And I'd print out what freckle said and keep looking at it - so right!

You are very right there, but it is so hard because you are programmed to want to do right by your parents, and also you do look to them for support (although I have pulled away a lot here)

I remember my counsellor saying that there is a bit of the child still in all of us, and that the child in me still wants my parents to look after me a bit, while the adult in me knows there is little chance of them providing the right support.
I could relate to what she was saying a lot - it was pretty spot on.

I have become a lot stronger through counselling & through the advice I have received on here. I will stand my ground with my parents a lot more than my sister, who is far more feisty & appears stronger than I do. This has only been the case for the last few years though.

I have pulled away from my parents quite a bit since the separation, and certainly since the move, but seen more of them just lately as my nan has very recently passed away.

I don't confide in them very much at all or look to them for support, but the hurtful comments can still get to me & make me feel bad.

Freckle's advice is always very good, HG, I agree. She has helped me out loads through my many traumas, and I always take her advice on board.

Thank you all for your support over this.

Freckle is spot on - by doing what your mum didn't have the guts to do - ie leaving your H - you have passed judgement on your mum (in her eyes) and she doesn't like it!

PC, she and your dad have chosen their path, their lives. You can't make them happy with what you've done, but you can make your own way now, on your own terms, doing the best you can for your boys, and accepting that we quite simply CAN'T make our parents happy. And it's not our job so to do. You only get one life, yours has (through no fault of your own) been bloody difficult up to now, you've been fantastically brave and you can carry on. I know you can.

xx

PC - Twig once said a very wise thing that has stuck with me. "Your mother pushes your buttons so well because she installed them" or words to taht effect.

It's completely normal to still get upset by your parents no matter how much you don't want to be emotionaly involved with them. And knowing your response is wrong or irrational doesn't stop you from having it. What worked well for me is to focus on the positives - congratulate myslef every time I manage to not get upset, rather than beat myslef up for every time I allow them to get to me.

Very true about the pushing buttons, prufrock!

I do try hard not to let it all get me down, but just lately it has been.

I know I will never make them happy all the time I'm not doing as they want me to, Dino, and I won't be bullied into anything by them anymore.
I had got quite good at letting a lot of it wash over me, but just recently it has all been getting to me a bit again.