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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I wasting my time on a half relationship?

49 replies

sunshiney78 · 22/09/2019 02:16

Both DP & I are 40. I’m divorced with DC 8. DP is an introvert and has never lived with a woman. We’ve been together for 16 months now. I brought up the subject of living together in a few years, and He says that he can’t see himself living with anyone right now, and understands if I want to look elsewhere to find what He can’t give me. We had this talk a few months ago. We currently see each other once a week. He works 55hour weeks and I work full time with DC.

However if I had to ring him at 3am for some reason, he will be here no question. We have met each other’s parents and friends, he attended both my brother’s and sister’s weddings abroad at his own expense, we’ve been on holidays, etc. He insists on accompanying me to hospital appointments. Communication is good and consistent. He joking refers to me as his wife and my DD as his daughter.

Despite it not being a conventional set up, I feel fulfilled and content. I feel like he’s the closest person to me and I think he feels the same. And he does love me and vice versa.

My question is, is it worth throwing away if it’s not exactlywhat I want (in terms of the living together part) ?

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 22/09/2019 02:22

Maybe he is just used to his own space and he likes it that way. Especially if he has lived alone for a long time.

Moving in with an 8yo would probably be his worst nightmare.

For me it wouldn't be a deal breaker, but only you can decide if it is for you

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 22/09/2019 02:27

Initially I thought “ok, that’s sad, it’s s deal breaker”, but every other element of the relationship is just so full of care, respect, honesty, trust and consideration and works so well. I just don’t want to be living apart when we’re 60.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 22/09/2019 02:32

60 is a long way off yet.

How would you like your life to be? Because in reality you cannot guarantee that he will ever want to live with anyone. He hasn't yet.

I also would be a bit hmmm about him giving you the green light to walk away. I genuinely believe that this is all he is ever going to offer. He has his emotional walls up and isn't going to let anyone in.

But I may be wrong.

snitzelvoncrumb · 22/09/2019 02:40

I think it sounds nice, unless living together is something you really want.

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 22/09/2019 02:42

How I would I like it to be? As it is, but him also staying over a couple of nights week.(difficult after late finish and commute)
He didn’t give the green light very easily, if was after we went away to think, he cane back and said he feels under pressure now knowing that he can’t give me what I want, and he understands if I chose to look elsewhere.
He’s just organised a weekend away with my brother, SIL and us because they get on really well together.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 22/09/2019 02:54

Oh ok.

I think that maybe you are over thinking it then.

He sounds lovely. Keep him.

Mothership4two · 22/09/2019 03:00

Despite it not being a conventional set up, I feel fulfilled and content. I feel like he’s the closest person to me and I think he feels the same. And he does love me and vice versa.

I think you answered your own question.

Separate homes sounds like bliss to me! but maybe thats just me

Sweetaholic · 22/09/2019 03:00

You seem happy so why not start spending more time together. Weekends or alternate weekends. That will give you an idea of whether he could live with someone in the future. If it seems that he can't it doesn't mean your relationship has to end. I know someone in a relationship who is happy but keep separate houses so they move back and forward between their home and their partners.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 22/09/2019 03:04

Your set up sounds wonderful to me.

whitebowls · 22/09/2019 03:32

It sounds like a lovely relationship to me. Living together won't necessarily bring perfection.
You're happy, enjoy it and drop the expectations.
Different strokes for different folks, as they say.

AllModra · 22/09/2019 03:36

To be honest, if you are as content and fulfilled asides from living arrangements as you say, I'd hang on in there. I would feel lost at times if I hadn't moved in with my DP but at the same time, we went out together more and were more physical and made more effort than since we bought our home together.

Various pressures and demands if domesticity can really kill the ambience and if your DC is 8, which one of my DC is, it does really change things.

Abillity2019 · 22/09/2019 03:36

Why do you only see each other once a week and for how long?

EmeraldShamrock · 22/09/2019 03:38

I think you have the ideal set up OP.
The grass always seems greener on the other side.
Enjoy your independent man.

Itsallpointless · 22/09/2019 04:01

At my age (late fifties) that sounds bloody wonderful, but at 40, and in love, I would've also wanted what you do.

You are only 16 months in, so very early indeed, I'd enjoy what you have, and hopefully the next phase will happen naturally. Moving in with DC will inevitably shift the balance of your fulfilled and content relationship, so I would continue as you are for now.

Good luck OP, he sounds like a keeperThanks

Suppertimelove · 22/09/2019 04:37

Has he said why he doesn’t want to move in though? I’m guessing you don’t want children with him?

RantyAnty · 22/09/2019 06:01

Sounds like bliss to me!

I knew a married couple who had 2 small houses side by side and they were happily married a long time.

Loveislandaddict · 22/09/2019 06:23

You’ve been together 16 months and you had the ‘moving in together’ conversation a few months ago. Maybe it was too soon?

Maybe build it up slowly. Him staying at yours and vice versa. Possibly having that conversation was too much too soon.

category12 · 22/09/2019 06:57

What you have sounds good.

Living together has disadvantages and I don't think step-parents coming in to the home are always great for dc.

Of course, if it's something you need, then I wouldn't hang on hoping he'll change his mind: he's been very clear.

Fweakout · 22/09/2019 07:03

Why would you want to move someone in with your 8 year old anyway? Sounds perfect how it is, she has her home & you have a sex life.

Sally2791 · 22/09/2019 07:06

Current arrangement sounds wonderful! Are you sure that living together is what you want, or just an expectation of society as the next step. I would not throw away a good man just yet, wait a while and see what develops.

Monty27 · 22/09/2019 07:07

Is it what you want? Does he make you happy for a whole one night a week. Is that a relationship? Obviously it is but what sort of relationship is it like all on his terms?
Up to you I guess.

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 22/09/2019 07:09

Thank you for all your responses’ 🥰
We usually stay over at either home at W/ends.

OP posts:
cuddlymunchkin · 22/09/2019 07:18

To be honest this sounds like a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship which wouldn't work for me, I'd want a committed relationship where he wanted to spend far more time with me and basically for me the shared lives which only comes from sharing a home.

However, that's me and what I need for my happiness. If you're happy in a holding pattern at the boyfruend/girlfriend stage then there's no reason not to stay there. The fact that you're posting on here makes me wonder if you're actually really happy with this situation? Long term?

Monty27 · 22/09/2019 07:19

You hadn't said that OP.

Drip feed then.

ukgift2016 · 22/09/2019 07:26

I would be concerned how easy it was for him to end the relationship based on a worry you had. Instead of communicating, he shut you down by basically saying "you accept this or we are done."

I also wonder what he is up to during the week. You see him only at the weekends. I personally would not be happy about that. You need to trust your gut instinct.