Am I wasting my time on a half relationship?

[sunshiney78]

Both DP & I are 40. I’m divorced with DC 8. DP is an introvert and has never lived with a woman. We’ve been together for 16 months now. I brought up the subject of living together in a few years, and He says that he can’t see himself living with anyone right now, and understands if I want to look elsewhere to find what He can’t give me. We had this talk a few months ago. We currently see each other once a week. He works 55hour weeks and I work full time with DC.

However if I had to ring him at 3am for some reason, he will be here no question. We have met each other’s parents and friends, he attended both my brother’s and sister’s weddings abroad at his own expense, we’ve been on holidays, etc. He insists on accompanying me to hospital appointments. Communication is good and consistent. He joking refers to me as his wife and my DD as his daughter.

Despite it not being a conventional set up, I feel fulfilled and content. I feel like he’s the closest person to me and I think he feels the same. And he does love me and vice versa.

My question is, is it worth throwing away if it’s not exactlywhat I want (in terms of the living together part) ?

From once a week to the moving in conversation is a huge jump. That would have freaked me out somewhat. Have you suggested a lesser increase - just asking to see him a couple of times a week or a whole weekend every month? Build it up slowly. See if you're compatible when it's not just date nights. Let him get used to the idea. He's no idea what living together would entail yet, let him 'practise' for a year then maybe revisit the idea again. If after a year of becoming more integrated you'll both have a clear idea of the future living together.

I don’t think I’d want to be in a relationship with someone for whom spending more than one night a week with me was a prospect that needed training, ‘practicing’ and gradual building-up, as if I were a spider and this was a phobia course.

If you are happy and content then it's not a half relationship.

That's the important thing. He sounds more present and more supportive than many peoples live in partners and husbands or wives.

I was a single parent for a while. Dp moved in at the beginning of this year. I really love having him here.

But honestly there are occasions I miss having my house to myself. We work similar hours so both here at the same time.

At this point I would not want him to move out. But I can definitely see the advantages to living separately.

He's 40 and has never lived with a woman?

That alone would be ringing my alarm bells.

My DP was like yours but suddenly changed and was all for moving in together. We've been together the same amount of time as you and it happened a few months ago that he started mentioning little things. We're now going to have to move in together as I'm pregnant but I'd much rather stay in two separate houses for longer.
It sounds to me like you have a really good set up. I was a bit gutted knowing he probably didn't want to live with me, but once he changed his mind I wished he hadn't!

It's such a personal decision. Moving in together has its downsides, and with kids complicated.

Lots of people say seperate homes sounds like bliss but for me it wasn't (5 year ltr but bf didn't want to live together). It wasn't eternal romance as some think it would be (including me at the beginning) it still got just as boring familiar as any ltr. In some ways worse - sometimes you don't want to organise a bloody date to see your partner, you just want to relax. You end up being a bag lady carrying all your stuff around, spend a lot of time driving and your chores at home are neglected. Meanwhile you have all the downsides of being single, like the added expense and loneliness of living alone.

So it wasn't for me. But everyone is different. If it suits you, stick with it and don't let outside ideas of what you "should do" affect things.

It depends on how important it is for you.

I never want to live with anyone again, especially while DS is still living at home. I like my own space and I don't want to share it.

I know a couple who have been together for 20 years (both divorced previously) and don't live together. It works for them.

But if it is something you really want in the future then you need to have a think.

I don't think it sounds early at all to be moving in, or for continuing as you are if you both enjoy the relationship.

However, as a PP has said, I'd be concerned that actually, he has basically said, 'like it or lump it' - he's hardly fighting for the relationship, or even looking tom compromise by having more evenings together.

From what you've said so far, he's a decent bloke, and he likes you well enough. But I suspect you aren't a Big Love to him.

Sounds like there's a lot of really good things in your relationship. I love my kids but the idea of living full time with someone else's - however much I love them, I would def have to think long and hard about that. Maybe this is even bigger for him if he's an introvert and not lived with someone before.

I know a lovely couple in their 70's who have been together 30+ years and still live separately (I'm pretty sure that it's her choice not his) but they spend 2-3 nights a week at each other's house and it does seem to work really well. Maybe it's something you could learn to enjoy, or maybe it's not. Do you stay over at each other's house at the moment? Really tricky.

Sounds ideal to me. I like alot of my own space, but equally like to get together to date. I can't foresee myself living with anyone again. My Dads the same he sees his partner a few times a week & the other times they pursue their own interests with other friends.
If you're happy & it works for you carry on as it is

Despite it not being a conventional set up, I feel fulfilled and content.

If MN has taught us anything, it's that many conventional set ups are far from fulfilled and content. If you're happy, you're happy.

Instead of communicating, he shut you down by basically saying "you accept this or we are done."

You can't possibly know this. The length of the conversation wasn't reported. And saying 'I understand this is weird and would also understand if it wasn't for you'd isn't a dick move.

If you’re both genuinely happy with the set up then it’s fine. Everyone has a different normal and that’s fine.

I hadn’t seen my boyfriend for just over two weeks until last night, it was really hard going that long. We usually see each other at least twice a week. I wouldn’t personally want a relationship unless we were to eventually move in together assuming everything went well.

Sounds ideal, but the fact you posted here means you are not really happy with the set up.

There is no way what you're describing is a "half relationship". You're being ridiculous.

I have been with my DP 6 years and we don't live together and see each other once or twice a week. He has his teenager living with him and I have my adult dd, like you we holiday together and are there for each other during difficult times. It works for us, we enjoy time together but also have our own space. If you are happy then it is a good relationship for you, don't feel you have to live together just because "it's what everyone does".

Tbf if he works 55 hours a week, he's spending all his free time with you. Happy and relaxed and in the week you're both busy with work and you, your child as well. I don't see the problem.

Your relationship sounds perfect to me. I wouldn’t live with anyone again. You’ve got the best of both worlds.

Once a week isn't what I'd call a relationship. Too little for me.

Don't forget that in 10 years you may well be on your own, with your DD off at uni or working. Do you still think you'd be happy with a once-a-week relationship ?

I live alone and there's absolutely no way in hell I'd give that up to move in with a man with an 8 year old child. Even if I loved the child and he was gods gift with a magic penis. No no no.

He doesn’t want to be a step dad to an 8 year old. He sounds sensible. I think the set up sounds good. He loves you.

I live apart from my DP and have no intention of moving in with him any time soon. Your situation sounds a lot like mine though I have 2 kids and I see him 3-4 times a week (though we’ve been together for 4 years). I wouldn’t change it for the world. We may move in together when the kids have left home, but for now I struggle to imagine living full time with a man again. For me, this is the perfect set up.

Is it one time a week or is it every weekend for the full weekend ?

Could you get houses in the same road or something? Some couples live next door to each other (athough I've just heard this - I don't actually know any).

I really like the sound of your set up. It would work for me