Am I Overreacting?? What would you do?

[Suki84]

I have been married for 8 years have a 4 year old and now a 7 week old baby. i have just discovered that my husband has been giving lifts to a girl after work for over a year. He is 35 and she is 25. She looks and dresses like a Barbie doll. The thing is he has never mentioned her or the fact he drops her off at home (for over a year) It was only whilst talking to one of his colleagues that I found out. The colleague also told me that this girl is constantly trying to get with different men in the workplace. My husband was stood with us and just looked guilty. When I later confronted him he said he didn’t tell me because he knew I wouldn’t like it and that there was another colleague with them in the car. He said I have trust issues and am overreacting. I have stopped talking to him since.
I’m just so upset and I don’t know if it’s just me overreacting because I’m so tired because of the baby. Last year I found ladies hair in his car and on his clothes on 3 different occasions and he made me feel like I was wrong to accuse him. He said he works with lots of women and occasionally gives an older lady a lift to her car. He made me feel so guilty for accusing him that I let it go each time.
He doesn’t treat me very well in that he has an aggressive and very argumentative personality (not physical) he gets into arguments every where he goes. I put up with it because i have very little support and stopped focusing on my career to raise my children. I am constantly cleaning up
After him and he is very scruffy around the house. For example he will eat a packet of crisp and just throw it across the living room and leave it for me to pick up. He leaves dishes on the sofa and just hard work.
I am so run down with the new baby that I can’t even think straight. He does little to help me and I am gutted that he has been showing kindness to some girl whilst treating me like rubbish for the past few years.
I just feel like I don’t know him. How would you react if you discovered that your husband was giving a lift to another behind your back. Is he right to say I am overreacting?

There’s a lot to unpack here. Lying by omission about his colleague. Bring verbally aggressive and argumentative. Treating you like a servant...

But the bottom line is that your husband’s a cunt.

Can you say more about why you don’t really have any support? My suggestion would be to start there and begin building up a network of people you can rely on. Ask for outside help if you need to.

I don’t have much family or friends around me. He seems to thrive off that. When I married him I moved away to live with him
In the town where he has lived all his life. I haven’t made a lot of friends around here. I have a few and you are right I should try getting out more and being around people. I am thinking of going to baby groups

How far away do your family live?
Do you think that he would give you permission to take the kids away to stay with your family "for a while"? Your elder child isn't in school yet, are they?

He doesn’t treat me very well in that he has an aggressive and very argumentative personality (not physical) he gets into arguments every where he goes.

He is abusive AT BEST. Non physical doesn’t make it okay.
The girl really isn’t the issue your “D”H is.

You won’t yet, because you think you can save your marriage or change him, but you should be preparing to leave him.

My honest advice

• Stop breeding with him. Do not have unprotected sex and double up on contraceptive.
• get back into proper paid work as soon as you can
• start saving money when and where you can. Don’t waste it on plastic tat “treats for the kids”, save it and use it to escape and leave your shitty husband

Sorry not to have a more uplifting message

You're isolated, you're being emotionally abused and treated like a skivvy. Speak to Women's Aid.

The possibility he's also unfaithful is really the least of it.

It's not the lifts that is the issue, it's the hiding it. He was effectively lying to you and when found out tried to put the blame on you. You need to consider why he felt unable to tell you he gives this girl a lift, would you have been annoyed if he casually mentioned it? My DP often gives 2 girls a lift home and it doesn't bother me because he told me and I know he has nothing to hide, he is just being kind to work colleagues... could your husband be doing the same?

The anger and leaving you to clean his mess isn't on though.

Thank you for the replies
Picsinred I only have a sister who lives about an hours drive away. I tell her things and she gets really upset and tells me to mention things to to a doctor or hv and leave him.

Totalwasteofpaper
I don’t know if i want to be with him. I asked him if we could take a break and he said he’s not leaving HIS house and being away from his kids. He’s not going nowhere

Category12
I have rang the samaritans in the past just to talk When things get bad. I know he is emotionally abusing me.

Chickenwing he said he didn’t tell me because I would have a problem with it. Now knowing what type of girl she is yes I would of had a problem with if he told me. It just scares me that he has been hiding it for over a year. He always mentions his colleagues I know of them. But I have never heard of this girl that he has been dropping off. So many times when I rang him after work his phone has been off and he says it was bad signal. So many times I haven’t been able to reach him after work when I was pregnant and needed him to
Pick something up on the way. I had a late miscarriage last year and a high risk pregnancy this time. But still his phone was off a lot. He is sometimes an hour late because he stopped to get a bit to eat, Ive never thought anything of it.

Im hurt whether he was upto something or not. What I do know now is that I need to get my life and independence back. I’ve always loved him but I think I have started to hate him now.

He's an hour late because he stopped to get a bit to eat? Sorry but I think he's shagging her and the colleague wanted you to know.
I'd leave and go back to your family.

Speak to WA.

TBH I would do a flit back to your family (provided you are in the same country eg England) and face the consequences afterwards.

He using the DC and house to bully you into staying.

I agree with Total. I personally wouldn't hang around. Get yourself together. Get a job then leave.

He's emotionally abusive OP and I think your suspicions of cheating are probably founded but as other PP have said, him having an affair is the least of your issues here.

He treats you terribly and that won't change. Read up on emotional abuse tactics and you will be able to see this much more clearly.

Your only option for a happy life is to leave this man. Not the advice you wanted I know but sometimes we have to face the truth, no matter how difficult it is to initially accept.

Have you ever read up on narcissistic abuse?

PicsInRed

How far away do your family live?
Do you think that he would give you permission to take the kids away to stay with your family”

Permission?!!
Excuse me, I appear to have stumbled accidentally into the 18th Century.

Exactly what RandomMess has said. The quicker you get away from this man, the better. He’s grinding you down to the extent that you feel completely helpless and utterly reliant on him, so you feel you have no choice but to tolerate his behaviour. He is only going to get worse.

But the bottom line is that your husband’s a cunt.
This, with bells on.

Thank you everyone
I think I’m gonna get some free legal advice first and then see what my options are
I wouldn’t leave until I know I can look after and support my kids on my own.
In the past he has said he will get help
For his anger but he never does. Now he has said he won’t give her a lift anymore but I don’t believe him. I’m just going to be sat at home thinking all sorts.
I want him to still be in my children’s lives. He loves them and they love him. But the rest of my life is too long for me.
I’m going to get back to my old self and go back to work. When I’m good and ready I’ll leave him.
Thank you all xx

Jaffacakesaremyfave Thank you for the
link. Yes that’s him summed up and yes he is a CUNT!

It sounds like you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship OP.

If you’re able, download the V-DASH checklist here and see how many questions you can tick off www.dashriskchecklist.co.uk/v-dash/

Have you spoken to your parents, have they space to house you?

He would have to pay maintenance, you would be entitled to benefits until you got a job. There is no reason to stay "until you can support yourself".

All young DC lover their parents even the ones that are beaten and sexually abused by them, that is no reason to stay.

He is so lazy I doubt he will bother to make the effort to have contact with them, he'll be too busy shagging his coworker!

Ahundredpercentthatbitch
Its hit home after going through the v-dash checklist.

Normally after he loses I end up crying and then just start talking to him. Then he is nice for like a day or 2 and then he is in a bad mood and loses it again.

He is really bad in the car with other drivers to the extent that I dread long journeys and sometimes even short ones. Someone just has to cut in front of his car and he starts beeping his horn, yelling. On quite a few occasions he has got at lights and gone to the other car driver. I then have listen to him rant for 30 mins about how he was right. I’m scared to move a muscle on my face in case he thinks I’m siding with the other driver.

I think him giving lifts to this girl has just put things into perspective. I’m just someone who does his washing and cleaning and pick up his rubbish. I tolerate his anger to an extent that I stay silent now and just let him finish.
All along he is having a great time with his work colleague(s).

Randomess I lost my mum aged 12 and my dad aged 19. My sister is all I have and she supports me as much as she can. She is busy with her own kids but does what she can. I have spoke to her and she is coming to see me on the weekend.

That's a really tough situation. Speak to WA and see if they can help you via a refuge in your DS area.

You need to be far away from him, his abuse will escalate if he realises you are going to try and leave. He will likely be very anti you gaining independence.

He isn't a good Dad because he is abusive to their Mum.

Find your anger and start planning.

One incident he got out at traffic lights and went to the other car and was yelling at the driver who just kept saying sorry sorry to
him. The driver drove off and I just thought that’s me all the time at least you got to drive off and get away, I’m stuck with the guy.

I could go on forever with examples of his anger but bottom line is yes it’s abuse. I’m scared when he is in a bad mood and I shouldn’t feel like that. He would never hit me but I’m scared anyway.
Thank you for your posts and guidance
I’m glad I came on mums net

RandomMess yes you are right. When I mention leaving or separating he always starts saying he will change. He wants the marriage to work He can’t live without the kids etc
For the past 2 days I’ve just been reading up on stuff and ways out
I’ve had enough
I just have to find that strength now

Speak to WA start the on line Freedom Programme read "Why does he do that" by Lundy.

He has no intention of changing it's just words to guilt you into staying and doing the wife work.

RandomMess
Thank you I will do