Am I Overreacting?? What would you do?

[Suki84]

I have been married for 8 years have a 4 year old and now a 7 week old baby. i have just discovered that my husband has been giving lifts to a girl after work for over a year. He is 35 and she is 25. She looks and dresses like a Barbie doll. The thing is he has never mentioned her or the fact he drops her off at home (for over a year) It was only whilst talking to one of his colleagues that I found out. The colleague also told me that this girl is constantly trying to get with different men in the workplace. My husband was stood with us and just looked guilty. When I later confronted him he said he didn’t tell me because he knew I wouldn’t like it and that there was another colleague with them in the car. He said I have trust issues and am overreacting. I have stopped talking to him since.
I’m just so upset and I don’t know if it’s just me overreacting because I’m so tired because of the baby. Last year I found ladies hair in his car and on his clothes on 3 different occasions and he made me feel like I was wrong to accuse him. He said he works with lots of women and occasionally gives an older lady a lift to her car. He made me feel so guilty for accusing him that I let it go each time.
He doesn’t treat me very well in that he has an aggressive and very argumentative personality (not physical) he gets into arguments every where he goes. I put up with it because i have very little support and stopped focusing on my career to raise my children. I am constantly cleaning up
After him and he is very scruffy around the house. For example he will eat a packet of crisp and just throw it across the living room and leave it for me to pick up. He leaves dishes on the sofa and just hard work.
I am so run down with the new baby that I can’t even think straight. He does little to help me and I am gutted that he has been showing kindness to some girl whilst treating me like rubbish for the past few years.
I just feel like I don’t know him. How would you react if you discovered that your husband was giving a lift to another behind your back. Is he right to say I am overreacting?

Keep posting OP. A lot of us have been in your situation and can help you leave safely. Men like him often escalate to physical abuse at the point of separation, so speak to women’s aid, speak to your sister and keep speaking to us here. Make sure you’re safe.

I’d be telling him to fuck right off. You need to stop acting like this mom and tell him to get up off his lazy arse and clear up after himself. My dp has similar traits and would carry on leaving his empty cereal bowls on the sofa and crisp packets shoved down the side if I let him get away with it. I will move the occasional one or two if I am passing through the kitchen but I won’t make a special trip and he offers me the same respect. We aren’t each other’s slaves.

The woman in the car is a whole different thing. I’d be severely pissed off that he’s not mentioned it not even once in passing and would see it as he has being lying to you. If he wants to get aggressive then tell him to fuck off to his mothers because you’re not having it anymore. Men like this are such wankers and you have enough on your plate and need him to work with you not against you.

Find your angry and stand up for yourself! Don’t let him get away with treating you like this because you don’t deserve it!

Not ok OP. If it was innocent he should have mentioned something... the girl
Clearly has a reputation. Your husband knows that. He should stay well clear. Just my opinion. I wouldn't be happy.

I’ve defo found my angry and he knows it. I’m going to contact women’s aid and get local support.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before. I would of put up with his anger for a long time but his behavior with this bitch has has made me so upset.
I hate him
I bet he doesn’t get angry with her
I’ve stopped cooking washing ironing and waiting up for him. I cleaned the kitchen and he came home and made a massive mess
Instead of cleaning it I marched upstairs and told him to clean it as I’ve got 2 kids to care for. He was shocked but did it.
I’ve booked my son into a footy club and I took them both today. Got chatting to a mum about the kids and feel fresh.
I’ve had it with him
I’m always crying and getting upset. He just sits there on his phone while I sob probably texting his little slut
He honestly doesn’t even acknowledge my tears.
A few weeks ago my baby was sick on me and I asked him if he would watch her while I showered. 2 minutes later I heard the front door close and he drove off and came home 1am. He then came in the bedroom and said you can shower now. What a cunt!

I could give example after example
It’s just became so normal for him to behave like this. If I didn’t find out about the lifts I wouldn’t of felt like this. He has done me a favour really.

Seems to be the case that a lot of women know they are being abused but don't seem to snap and say enough is enough until they realise he's banging someone else. Maybe that's what they need to finally realise he really doesn't give a shit about them at all :/
Sadly.

I've been reading that book by Lundy this week top and he makes the point that abusers are angry because they are abusive (not abusive because they are angry). Basically they are just horrible people so that's the reason for their rage, not external factors.

OP, I’m so sorry your going through this, it’s totally not on! At all.
If I found out my husband has been giving lifts to females for over a year, and hadn’t told me I think I’d completely lose it! Innocent or not, there something that has made him hide it, and your reaction is no excuse. I can’t think of 1 women that would be absolutely fine finding out something like this second hand, a year after it started.
You and your kids deserve so much more.
I’d honestly leave ASAP. There are charity’s that can help, and due to the age of your youngest, I’m sure there would be benefits to start you off untill your able to get back to work. Plus, due to the volatile situation your in, I’m sure your local council would house you xx

Love the nonsense of the girl trying to get with every man, you mean they all fancy her probably. Nice how women always get the blame just for dressing nice or feeling okay about their fucking appearance. I’ve had this at work, I have no interest in them but apparently I am always ‘after men’ just for being friendly. Your partners the nob.

Omg op! Your life sounds horrendous at the moment because of this ‘man’.
Honestly, you can be really truly happy...even on your own. You sound worn down and miserable. Please consider leaving ASAP. He’s a nasty bully and you deserve much better than this

Stop blaming the girl when you have no evidence, what’s this ‘reputation’? It’s really shit that people say this about other women with no proof. Hate to say it but see your partner for what he is, he’s probably not even mentioned you to her. My partner cheated on me with a young girl and he told her he was single so I don’t blame her at all although others did. I feel sorry for her being manipulated by a sleazy dickhead a lot older than her. Wake up op.

I agree things are really shitty and yes I need to leave.
Thank you for the advice it has really helped me see things clearer and acknowledge the abuse which has been going on and getting worse and worse.

You are nobody's doormat. Love that you are no longer tolerating his shit and he doesn't have control of you anymore. The man's an arsehole and you will be much happier without him.

Your husband is unsupportive, angry and abusive. He treats you with contempt and disdain. It is disturbing to think of your children being exposed to this toxic environment.

H kept this woman a secret for a year and then blamed you for the deception. How dare he. He likely would have gone ballistic if you had done the same.

OP, you sound empowered now. Use your determination to move on from this loser who has diminished and devalued you. You and your children deserve so much better.

He is an utter cunt. I agree, it is not the work woman’s fault. She is most likely just showing up and being friendly. He is absolutely responsible.

He is an angry, abusive, cheating asshole. He is NOT a good dad. He is not showing a good example on how to be a good man, a good husband, a good housemate. He is not showing how to be a good driver, how to clean up after one self. He is abusive to you so he is showing them how to be in an abusive relationship. Does all OS this sound like a good dad to you?!? It all adds up to one big fat NO!

You have your game on now. Keep it going. Leave to a shelter or to your sisters or wherever you go. Are you married?

Get out now. You don’t have to wait until you can support the kids. Start researching finances. Type in his salary to the cms calculator to see how much maintenance you would receive. Then go see CAB or the benefits office to find out what you would receive. A friend of mine did it and she had not one penny. She’s now thriving away from her pig of a husband. He was messing around with other women too.

Claiming benefits to support your dc is a way out op.
I borrowed for deposit and bond and left a very similar man.
Ds 27 still has anger issues due to exh.
Get out now before you dc are damaged.
Report him to the police. I reported exh for drink driving.
Then I filed for divorce.

Op. Giving a lift to someone is neither here nor there. The fact he lied about it, does matter. Why he felt the need to hide it from you. Either because you're unreasonably jealous or because he does have something to hide.

What's more concerning is the rest of what you describe. You describe a selfish abusive man, why did you proceed to have anothrr baby with him? This doesn't sound like new behaviour and yet even your op is about the fact he gives a younger woman lifts. Not the fact he abuses you.