Can't take anymore

[brokenladyxx]

Hello mumsnetters I really just need some advice and help. I'm in such a horrible situation where the man I love is abusive. He's controlling, he's violent and he's verbally just horrible. I know it's happening and I just can't seem to leave.

We've been together 8 years and he hasn't always been like this so I tend to focus on the happier days when there is no arguments or name calling or put downs. But just lately his moods are becoming more regular and Fowler, he can go days just blanking me making me feel I've done something wrong. I have seeked help from my doctor a few months ago, they gave me the DV helpline number but I couldn't get threw so I just gave up hope that anybody can ever help me. Please just tell me what to do to get out of this, x

Hi Brokenlady, I'm glad you started a thread😊
I don't have specific knowledge or experience in this area but I know there are lots of people on MN who do.
Some things that occur to me, are you keeping a detailed log of all incidents?
Does he suspect that you are planning to escape?

You say that you love this man but please understand this is not a normal or a good kind of love it's a kind of 'trauma bonding'
if you love someone who is abusing you then this love is harming you
It harms you because it's what ties you do the thing that is hurting you
It's not love it's a ball and chain and it's one of the things that keeps you in this prison

Lots of how-to advice on this thread.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3696812-Hes-locked-us-in?msgid=90232908

You are unhappy and he treats you terribly. Can I ask why you are so afraid to leave?

Lease leave💐

How old are your children? Do you work outside the home? Do you have any supportive family or friends?

@bombomboobah thankyou for your support. I don't keep a log but I do take photographs and always email them to myself as evidence even though this probably would stand for nothing in court. He doesn't have any idea i plan to escape x

@Windmillwhirl he's all I've known for the last 8 years it's a big step for me x

@cakeandchampagne my DD is 4 my DS is 2 x

I understand why you are afraid. You have got so used to your world as it is and managing it that it's hard to believe it could be better without him in it.

But, just for a moment, imagine having the freedom to do what you want, when you want, to not live in fear, to be strong and independent, to not have your mood affected by his, to be treated with respect and, one day, be loved by a man that adores you and treats you with respect.

If you can afford counselling, look into it. This could be the turning point in your life if you face the fear head on and embrace change. You deserve far better than what he offers.

Broken, it would be a good idea to have a written log of any incidents and his behaviour in general IMO, have you reported any incidents to the police, would you try the dv helpline again?

Hi, OP.

So sorry to hear about your situation. When you've been trapped in an abusive relationship the worst of it is that you are so beaten down you lose the energy or impetus to get out, or feel so confused you can't work out how to. That is a key part of the abuse. Have you looked at the freedom programme? freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You need to make a plan for where you will go and how and when you will leave. You need to do the practical stuff - look into the legal situation, too, regards to children and custody, etc. Have you a separate bank account, can you access money?

Have you got in touch with Women's Aid? Or Refuge? They should be able to advise you. If you've logged the abuse, the police also have specialists who deal with domestic violence and abuse.

Keep on making your plan, even if it seems scary or if it takes a little while to do each step. You will get there. If you want to leave and know you have to, you can do it. xxx

@Windmillwhirl yes it's like I feel like this behaviour is normal behaviour. When it's good it's good. We've had a great weekend but it's just when that dark mood returns who knows what is coming. His mom doesn't help, last time he really kicked me and he kicked me hard he gave me a huge massive bruise on my thigh, I was ready I was going to the police station but she talked me out of it. Said give him time, space tell him to go to counselling but if her daughter was going through the same thing she would NOT be telling her to do that. I just feel so alone and trapped x

@bombomboobah well he's been arrested about 4 times and been to court twice for assaulting me so they have all that on record, also my log from the doctor and what I told her also my sons nursery teacher has seen big bruises on my arms and knew something was going on but didn't put any pressure for me to explain where it came from x

@ScrimshawTheSecond thanks for your advice. I did contact my local refuge which is haven a few months ago however they had no space they advised me to contact the police and go from there. His mom talked me out of it and put me at hers for 2 weeks but made excuses for him so I felt sorry for him.

We have separate banks however I don't have access to huge amounts of money I'm only on UC and it barely covers essentials. His wages top up our monthly income however he's gone out and earned it so as he says that's his money.

I think I just keep listening to people make excuses for his appalling behaviour and then think it is all my fault. I wish we could have a good day every day. Everybody has arguments and disagreements but sometimes he just crosses the line x

@ScrimshawTheSecond I'm definitely going to look into the freedom programme that is something I think will massively benefit me x

Of course his mother talked you down. She's more concerned about what would happen to him than your welfare. If you feel truly alone then you need to start being your own best friend and do what is best for you.

Only you can make the decision to leave. You've wasted enough time on this abusive man. I hope that one day soon you realise you deserve better and leave him.

Yes, it's difficult breaking free, but what's the alternative? Remain unhappy and on egg shells for the rest of your life?

Also have a look at a book called 'why does he do that' by lundy Bancroft. You can buy it on Amazon. This will help you to come to terms with him as abuser and that he is very consciously going out his way to make your life miserable so his can be better (in his eyes). It also talks of exiting safely. Health visitors are a good source of support for DV so dont hesitate to speak to yours. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. The priority is getting you and the DC out safely. I wouldn't trust his mothers as far as I could throw her if she justifies that behaviour. If he was my son I'd run him down in my own car.

I don't normally read these threads as I have no experience with violence. However I wonder if I could offer you advice from an 'ignorant' viewpoint. Firstly what would you say to your child if they were with a man that kicked them? I bet you would say leave. Secondly, this makes me really sad for you but there must be help out there. Living in a B&B/ temporary accommodation must be better than this? Looking on the bright side, anything you do once you leave will be better than this? Plus you won't have to worry about custody because he'd never get a look in unless you were willing. I hope you do leave soon. Remember you & your children will have a brill time without that man. A stable, consistent life will always be brilliant and don't worry about the money. I'm skint but me & my daughter still have fun together and your family will too

This is not love. He doesn't love you. Nobody who loved you would do these things to you.

Why don't you feel sorry for yourself that he's deliberately harming you? Don't you value yourself? I don't know you and I feel sad for you.

Do you feel sorry for your children? I do.

Do you want them to end up with no mother because he's killed you? Because that's where this ends if you stay.

The lovely person from the early days was an act to draw you in. The person who hurts you is real.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Coercive control is a crime. But it's for the police to build a case, not you. Please don't put yourself at risk trying g to gather evidemce. Just focus on getting to safety.

The police can only help you if you talk to them.

I just heard about this 'Bright Sky' app yesterday, might be worth looking into?

It appears as a weather app, so should give you a measure of protection if your partner is likely to check your phone.

play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.newtonmobile.hestia&hl=en_GB

I would start making lists. Who you can go to for help - you've got moral support here, but are there any family or friends you can approach for help? Lawyers. Doctor. Refuges - there may be more than one in your area. Is there a police specialist on your local force? Or someone in the police who knows the history?

As someone mentioned - I think on the other thread about escaping dv - once out of the situation, everything will become much clearer to you. When you're living scared and on alert all the time it's very hard to recognise what's going on.

Years later, I can see clearly that the 'good times' were just another part of the cycle. They weren't real. I allowed myself to be so worn down, bamboozled and confused that I then felt I couldn't leave. The 'good times' were just crumbs thrown to me in lieu of a proper, loving relationship. In fact, they were mostly just the temporary absence of shittiness, fear and guilt. Like - banging your head against a wall is great because it feels nice when you stop. That's not love.

All the best, op. Keep letting us know how you're getting on. x

You can get out I promise, it will be the hardest most difficult decision of your life but your life will start again from that day. I am a survivor of DV after being in the hell for 7yrs it was only when I found out he had been hurting my DDs that gave me the push I needed. My best advice if your allowed out is walk into your nearest police station with your kids and explain you will moved to somewhere safe straight away. I won’t lie to you it will be hard but everything including your finances can be sorted. If not for your sake do it for your babies as they do pick up on it. I thought mine never did but they are both now in therapy n it breaks my heart. You can do this you are stronger than you will ever know. If you want to PM me please do

You are behaving like a battered woman. If you don't do something about it things will be worse. Then your children will be affected by DV.
Get out and stay out. It's not normal, it's never going to get better and you are damaging your self and your children.
I grew up like that it's awful and very cruel.

Stop wishing for good days, he is a BAD man.
Leave him before he kills you.