Anyone else find dating highly stressful ?

[Blueandlilac]

I'd honestly stay single forever if I could, I just feel the societal pressure to settle down sadly. I'm almost 30, and I have had 2 long term relationships of 3 years each and several short things of 1-3 months.
I've been cheated on, in an abusive relationship where I was physically and emotionally abused and with attempted rape.
I've always gone for the wrong men looking back, I dont think any of them were kind or mature enough.
I just hate the whole dating process. So many rules i.e double texting. I wouldn't think twice about double texting a friend or family member.
Then the whole thing of not seeing too keen. Then the when do you have sex.
Then the whole thing of being challenging and not being 'too nice'. Youre expected to have a highly interesting life and be constantly intresting and full of zest.
Then you are expected to be amazing in bed.
You can fall for someone and then they can 'suddenly' lose interest with no warning, or then there's ghosting which seems to be second nature these days.
You can be hurt after years together and investing your life with this person.
I know there are some amazing, kind men out there but I have spent years either getting over some guy or feeling sad over another.
I always get feelings if i'm intimate with someone and things like FWB or casual are alien to me, i'm either all or nothing.
The whole texting thing gives me anxiety. I'm always worrying i've been ghosted or that my texts sound too needy etc.
I do have anxiety which doesnt help and most likely an anxious attachment style.
I have honestly been happiest in my life when i'm single and there's nobody.
I like the closeness and intimacy with a guy but dont feel it's worth it.
Is it OK to be single forever ? Anyone else have similar stories ?

I'm thirty and decided I was done dating 5 years ago. Technically made two exceptions since then, one date the guy was weird, the other led to a shit booty call. So feck that xD

I feel so much happier single. Like you i've met a few nasty pieces of work. And I hate dating with a passion.

I sometimes feel I want someone, like if I've been watching sappy Korean drama or something lol, but apart from that I'm happy single. Other people can want what they want, I just want to be free.

I still think its highly unlikely I'll be single forever but tbh, I don't think it would be so bad. I'm happy in myself.

I could have written this. I am nearly 30 myself . I want love , but it never works for me ( abusive relationships , men only wanting sex/leading me on ) . I am seriously considering staying single , I have been for most of my life actually .

I'm sorry to hear youve also been through some stuff too and glad to hear that you've managed to find happiness being single !
I've had the lot, men who seem to have this 'sudden' epiphany after sex, the men who 'arent ready for a relationship', I was told that living 3h away is too far, fair enough, but he's now with someone who also lives 3h away 🙄
I am quite bitter and I spend a lot of time going over these different men in my head and feeling anger and going over all the different things they did to me.
I have seen a therapist before and it helped so I may start again.
I wish more people were single but when I look at my friends theyre either married/in a serious relationship or looking for someone. Very few people I know actually want to be single, which I can understand.

Yep, I'm in the same boat too. After a string if abusive relationships with narcissists/sociopaths, I decided to stay single this year and work on myself. I too struggle with anxiety and I am trying to now get to grips with the root cause if this and it's mainly from my childhood and being raised by an emotionally distant and critical (I suspect narc) father.

One thing I'm really focusing on which has helped is why I have always tried to conform all my life. Just because society says you should be happily married by X age, have children before you are 40, be a certain body shape and size and conform to the other societal norms imposed on women.

You only get one life OP and it is yours to live in a way that makes you authentically happy. Find out who you truly are and don't abandon your yourself by trying to fit into a box. Yes being single can be lonely and that is part of human nature to want connection but that should never come at the cost of your own values and happiness.

I've tried to focus more on building my friendship group by joining a meetup group for single women in their 30's and also by investing more in my good relationships (as it's all too easy to pour energy into fixing those which are bad).

Dating is dangerous for women. We risk being assaulted, raped, stalked, harassed and abused just for saying no to a man (I've experienced all of this). If you are in any way vulnerable (and I think anxiety does make me vulnerable too) then it's better to make yourself stronger emotionally until you jump into the pool of potential predators who are on dating sites. Not all men are abusive arseholes but you need to have very strong boundaries in place and be able to enforce them before you are able to weed these dickheads out from the very start. Also, you have to be able to separate their behaviours from your identity. These men were shitty people before you met them and it is no reflection on your character or value. You have intrinsic value as a person simply by being alive. Don't ever let anyone make you feel like this isn't the case.

I think we've all met men like him. I think its often just once they know you like them, they lose interest.

I've got better at spotting narcissists and the like over the years but it seems there's also an abundance of fickle, game players too. To be fair, they're probably on the same spectrum too I guess. I guess the ones that vanish after sex are less nasty that the ones that string you along even afterwords, to suck out your soul. But PASS on them both lol.

I think there's just a lot of crappy ppl out there. And maybe a lot of ppl in those long term things, aren't actually as happy as we assume.

Ddij haha hope our prior posts didn't scare you off. I think as long as you can hold a conversation and you go on a date with someone who can hold a conversation, you don't have to worry about looking as if you haven't done it before. Awkward silences are not good lol.

“I'd honestly stay single forever if I could, I just feel the societal pressure to settle down sadly”

Just be single. You’ll have a miserable life if you bow to societal pressure.

You can do what you want - don’t live your life dictated by what other people or “society” expects from you. Have the courage to live in the way you want.

I’ve also given up dating for the reasons others have already mentioned. In a three month period last year, I was dumped on a really important day work-wise (which he knew and did it on that day anyway), harassed to the point I had to get the police involved, had extreme pressure put on me for sex, ghosted, and dumped mere hours after becoming official with someone (he woke up and told me he’d changed his mind!). All these were men I met in real life, not online. After such a horrendous series of experiences in such a short space of time, I decided it was a dangerous waste of time to attempt to date again. I’m working on friendships and hobbies instead.

Unfortunately, I’m desperately lonely single but it’s still better than the anxiety of wondering when the axe will fall with whomever I’m currently trying to date.

Hearing there are other people in the same boat makes me feel better, shaking my head at some of the stuff you have had to go through though 😔 I can really resonate with the 'wondering when the axe will fall'.
I too get lonely but i'm now going to be working very long weeks and busy with friends/family/hobbies at the weekend so hopefully that will help.
It's true I shouldnt care what others think, I will try to work on that and also see the therapist again to try and help my anxiety/anger over the past.

I'm sorry you've had a bad time with the men you have dated

I don't think that there's anything wrong with staying single or maybe you need a break from dating.

I am in my 50s and it doesn't get any easier as you get older. I've never been in an abusive relationship but I've had quite a bit of heartache.

I hope I'm not still online dating in my 60s lol and can find some happiness with someone. If not, I am happy with my life.

Thank you. You have a great attitude in that you know you can be happy without having to date.
True, although I worry that even if I had a long break, i'd return to it and the same string of gaslighters and narcissists would be back.
I've been dumped in cruel ways for hurtful reasons, e.g I wasn't 'challenging', ghosted, threatened, manipulated, called all sorts of names etc.
I'm a sensitive person by nature and perhaps a little naïve. In the past i've given some of these men a piece of my mind and told them how disgusting their behaviour was.
I don't want to become hard-faced but i'd like to be stronger emotionally. I will work on myself and delete apps etc.

Also I just don't get why people lose interest when they know you like them back ? 🙄 Do all men really have this mentality ? I can understand coming on far too strong, i.e declaring your love after 2 dates or something mad, but why shouldnt we be allowed to show affection to those we care about ?
A male friend of mine in his 40s recently told me that a woman should play hard to get for the 'first few months' in order to keep a man keen. Pfft. 🙄

Its not a male thing, its a personality issue thing. All about the ego. They lose interest because they have got what they want. Because they weren't dating looking for a relationship, they were dating in order to be admired and put on a pedistal.

I think we make the mistake of assuming everyone is 'normal' or like us, but infact there's a lot of damaged people out there.

And yeah...i'd give that friend a wide berth in future if I were you xD

I'd honestly stay single forever if I could you can!

I recently decided to dip my toe into the dating world after leaving my sons dad over 4 years ago. But I finally felt I'd clicked with someone so was willing to give it a go.
It was so difficult and I was constantly worried and confused as his actions and words didn't match. One minute he would want to meet, the next he would change the subject etc. I grew tired fast as I don't have time for it. I like to know where I stand.
I like to think I'm a nice person and today in the loveliest way told him I don't think this is right for either of us. That it's too much hard work so I wish him the best and hope he finds what will make him happy. For me I felt better for closing the book that way, rather than just cutting him off. We'll baring in mind his contact isn't great and can take 24 hours or more to respond (despite me seeing him online) he replies manipulating it back onto me. First he was fully blaming me. The next 2 messages were long justifying himself. Yet I knew none of this prior to him saying it in these messages about how busy his life is etc.

Needless to say my first experience of men after a length sabbatical hasn't been a good one 😭

I can really relate to what you and others are saying, I've been told I'm 'too soft' and I do get feelings for people if I sleep with them, I dont understand how some men's mind work when it comes to women, and I'm not sure I want to know. The ones I like manipulate me and use me and the ones I don't harass me with unwanted texts and verbal abuse if they come across me on other sites.

@DDIJ I went on my first ever date earlier this year, like you I was sure I would be "found out" but actually I found it to be quite pleasant as an experience and much easier than I thought. I was terrified just beforehand mind you

Join the dating thread on here, sign up to an OLD app and jump in.

I've recently started seeing someone for the first time after the end of a 12 year relationship. Not someone I met online, I've known him around 5 years. It's awful. I really like him. He blows hot and cold. Some days I get 30+ messages. Other days I get one message all day and he ignores anything I send him. If I didn't like him so much (and spent the last five years lusting after him) I would have given up by now. All I want is to know where I stand but he's in a similar position to me so I suspect he doesn't know himself. Getting back out dating when you carry an awful lot of demons from past relationships with you absolutely sucks.

Looks like a lot of us are or have been in the same boat ! It is hard, but I know that our married friends aren't necessarily happier or more fulfilled. It may well be the opposite, only positive sides are displayed on social media.
I was seeing a guy before and he went on an exotic holiday. My friend said 'he's in a country where it's always hot and where people are gonna be in swimwear, so it's normal he will want to make the most of it.' erm.. Ok 🙄 stuff like that doesn't really help and may well be a load of crap.
I'm going to think of all the good things about being single and forget dating.

OP I’ve been single for a couple of years now (I’m in my 40s). I love it, I finally feel settled. I’ve been treated very badly in the past so the peace and quiet suits me fine.
I’ve got a situation at the moment with a lovely man, there is a spark and we have kissed once. I’m in a real dilemma about whether to pursue it or let it go. I don’t think I want the drama of a relationship or the stress of getting to know someone new. Half of me can’t be arsed but I also think I might regret it if I let him go. I value my space so much.

Single is defo easier. For me I know where I stand. But personally I have lost myself. I don't know who I am. I am mom me or work me. I have no life outside of that so I guess it was nice feeling some sort of spark.
I've always been scared to voice anything in fear of the reaction. I don't want conflict. I had the worst time with my sons dad I don't want to go down they road again but I also won't be walked all over. I'm pleased I took control but sad at the same time that I let someone get to me who had no intention of actually acting on it. And that person puts it on me rather that owning his behaviour

What I find difficult is that I go on loads of dates, finally find someone I have a spark with and it doesn't lead to anything long term. I think this often happens with online dating but I know people who have met long term partners online.