Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Should I stay if marriage isn’t on the cards

26 replies

Cosytoes111 · 21/09/2019 09:44

Me and dp have been together about 3 years and I’m pregnant with our first child together.

It was mentioned in a casual discussion that he wasn’t ever really wanting to get married as he didn’t see the point.

I do want to get married. Like I have always thought I would be planning my wedding day one day and have my kids there and have my dad walk me down the isle and all the rest of it.

I told him I always thought I would get married and it is something that I want to do and he said well maybe one day. But can tell he just said it to close the discussion.

Am I being over dramatic to think maybe I should think about leaving if we both clearly want different things out of life? Or just accept that you don’t always get what you want in life and settle for the great relationship I have with my dp but with no marriage.

OP posts:

user1483387154 · 21/09/2019 09:51

have you really never had this discussion in the 3 years of your relationship?

NameChangeNugget · 21/09/2019 09:51

Why are you so keen to tie yourself both legally and financially to another person? In hindsight, your child should have waited until you’d resolved this. Your hand is somewhat weakened. I can zero incentive for him to want to now

JorisBonson · 21/09/2019 09:54

With respect, do you want to be married to this man or do you just want a wedding?

Breadandbutterjam · 21/09/2019 09:54

I'd leave. Better now than wasting another 5yrs.

apacketofcrisps · 21/09/2019 09:54

Surely you would discuss this before getting pregnant?!?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 21/09/2019 09:55

Are you planning to be a sahp? Do you work at the moment, will you be giving up a career or the potential for a good career
To bring up the dc?

Trouble is that now you have a dc on the way, marriage is a good way of protecting yourself if you are planning on giving up work or will be expected to be the main Carer for your dc. You could end up in a whole world of pain if you don't think and agree a way forward. It's more about protection now than 'walking down the isle' should things go tits up.

HermioneWeasley · 21/09/2019 09:55

You’re having a baby together but have never discussed this?

What’s happening to your job? Are you and the child going to be dependent financially on him? If yes then you need the legal protection of marriage- can just be the paperwork at the town hall.

LolaSmiles · 21/09/2019 09:57

If marriage means a lot to you and he has made his position clear then you have to decide if it matters that much to you.

I think you're thinking about marriage as a wedding day that you've always thought you'd have. That probably needs to go on one side for now. A party is a party.

What it comes down to is do you want your long term relationship to come with the protection and responsibility marriage affords? If you do then walk away.

If you don't mind the legal side of things then stay. However, get yourself fully informed on how to avoid financial vulnerability e.g. keep your job, your pension, ensure your name is on the houses, keep your own assets etc.

Some men say they can't see themselves getting married and aren't bothered by it, it's just a piece of paper, but are all too happy to allow (or even encourage) their partner to go part time or have a long time as a SAHP, knowing they save money on childcare but they have no legal obligation int he event of a split and can walk away.
There are loads of threads on here where women are shafted because they chos rot believe that DP would never leave, that common law marriage means they have the house til the DC are 18 and all other nonsense.

Do whatever is right for you, but make it an informed decision.

PicsInRed · 21/09/2019 09:58

You're already pregnant. Time for some cold hard calculations. First you need to work out whether marriage to this man would protect or endanger you, financially. Then work out whether you can go it alone with a baby.

Do you own your home or rent? Whose name is the owned home or rental in?

Do you work, does he? Do either of you have assets?

Do you have a joint bank account? Both pay income into it and share it?

Do you family live close by? If you need to move far to live with family, you must move before baby is born and family court can stop the baby moving.

There is no such thing as marital protection for unmarried mothers. Common law marriage doesn't exist in the UK - not in any form which will protect you.

Do not stop work, keep house for and allow yourself to become financially dependent on a man you aren't married to. He can walk away at a finger snap and pay on basic child maintenance.

Techway · 21/09/2019 10:04

Some people are happy not to marry however if you have children then usually the lack of marriage is disadvantageous for the woman.

I think most men know that it brings greater financial responsibility in the event of relationship breakdown so some will avoid it.

I think you made assumptions and unfortunately at this stage you are now unlikely to get married to him. If you know ot will cause resentment then I understand why you would separate. Certainly don't use his surname for your child.

crimsonlake · 21/09/2019 10:11

Oh dear it is a bit late to be having this discussion??
I think you have to decide how important marriage really is to you.

Original poster

Cosytoes111 · 21/09/2019 10:14

The baby wasn’t planned but is wanted. But no we never really spoke about it we was happy doing our own thing and always thought (by me it seems) it would all fall into place.

Yeah I do want to marry him because I love him to bits and I know he loves me

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 21/09/2019 10:14

Certainly don't use his surname for your child.

Excellent point.

OP also don't put his name on the birth certificate. Let him apply to court to have it added (he can apply himself for around £200).

If he can be bothered, there's more chance he will actually be involved, long term.

If he can't be bothered, you are then spared the complication of a father with legal Parental Responsibility (now automatically granted through inclusion on birth cert) and needing his permission for school/location moves etc, whilst potentially not having seen or heard from him in years. There are enough stories on MN of the difficulties this puts mothers in to raise hairs.

PicsInRed · 21/09/2019 10:16

I know he loves me

Then he should want to give his pregnant Love the protection of marriage.

ImAShowPony · 21/09/2019 10:22

Is your partner trying to avoid marriage or a wedding? You yourself sound very focussed on a wedding as an event centred around 'your big day', rather than the legal implications of marriage.
Clarify that first.
If he wants to avoid marriage then he does not want you and your child to have the legal and financial protection that marriage offers in life, or more importantly in the event of his death or divorce. If that's the 'piece of paper' he objects to, then think what that says about his commitment to you and your future child.

TheFaerieQueene · 21/09/2019 10:24

If you aren’t married when you have your DC, give the child your surname and go back to work.

blue25 · 21/09/2019 10:29

You should have clarified this before getting pregnant. He sounds like he doesn't want commitment, so I'd be very wary I'm afraid.

NaturalBornWoman · 21/09/2019 10:37

The baby wasn’t planned but is wanted. is it actively wanted as much by him as by you? Or is it a fait accompli and he's going along with it? When you realised you had an unplanned pregnancy didn't you discuss your future as part of your decision to go ahead with the pregnancy?

CloudRusting · 21/09/2019 10:41

The big thing I’d say is do NOT compromise your career/work opportunities for him of unmarried. If you split you will have no recourse to maintenance for yourself and many unmarried women have found out the hard way that making big sacrifices “for the family” comes back to haunt them.

WellButterMyArse · 21/09/2019 10:43

It was not a good idea to get three years in before discussing this, but you are where you are. Don't have any more children after this until the issue has been satisfactorily resolved, ie either marriage or an agreement not involving marriage that you're ok with. No more assuming.

Right now, first of all find out whether he is actually willing to get married or not once he knows how important it is to you and also what the legal implications are (because there is very much a point in getting married, it's just whether you want that point!). If yes, great. If no, you have a decision to make about whether being with him or getting married is more important to you.

If you're not going to get married, that needs to inform your decisions about work, money and childcare too.

MMmomDD · 21/09/2019 10:51

Just like with Spanish Inquisition - no one expects one day when a previously great relationship turns into something different.
And before you have children - you don’t know how your relationship will change with the baby’s arrival.

In general - i’d say any man who is happy to have a child with you but doesn’t want to marry you is acting to protect himself, and wants to be able to walk away with min financial obligations.
In this county you are vulnerable if you have a child and aren’t married. Inevitably the mother tends to sacrifice something - her career suffers. You end up taking more time off - child birth, maternity, illnesses, etc. Employers view young mothers differently, etc.
While fathers just mostly sail through unaffected.
Marriage (or civil partnership) levels the field and protects you.

If your boyfriend doesn’t want to take his fair share of this responsibility - he isn’t really committed. He wants to have all his options open to him.

I’d definitely NOT give the child his name, and would protect myself in all ways possible. Workwise, asset ownership, childcare costs.
Do not take a career break, for example.
And - personally - i’d Be preparing to leave.

BarbariansMum · 21/09/2019 16:50

Exactly what @MMmomDD says. What sort of fuckwit is happy to have a child with you but has no intention of making a proper legal and financial commitment to you?

And yes, please dont agree to be a SAHM, the risk of being left high and dry a few years/children down the road is a very, very real one.

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/09/2019 19:23

MMmomDD has great advice.

There is nothing I can add, other than do not allow yourself to be emotionally manipulated or reverse emotionally manipulated (ie. him claiming you are manipulative and “forcing him into marriage” by refusing to give the baby his surname/ put him on the birth certificate/ saying you’re leaving etc etc)

Look after yourself and your child because he sure as hell is looking after his interests first.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 21/09/2019 19:27

Has this got anything whatsoever to do with him owning a property in his name only?

HollowTalk · 21/09/2019 19:29

I would say, "As long as you bear in mind I will be getting married one day, and if if you're not interested I'll consider myself free to look for someone else..."

Flip

1 2