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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dp changing what I get dd for her birthday.

34 replies

ArthurMorgan · 20/09/2019 22:52

I know I'm being irrational as it's really only a small thing but inside I'm seething about it.

Basically I picked out a few small things I wanted to get dd for her birthday, we're not flush for cash and I put a lot of thought it into it and put them into the basket. Dp said he wanted to get her a few bits from the same place so I told him I've added some stuff for her and just to add on what he wants and we'll buy it all in one order.

It came today and what he's done is replace the things I wanted to get with other things.. Because "they're better". He's taken out the little animals I picked and replaced them with different ones (think parrot she actually asked for, for a hyena because "she'll like it better").

I had my heart set on one particular toy (a ranger trap with bait and leopard, she's animal obsessed and loves to play vet) it's right up her street, she will love it. He's taken it out and bought the.. So he says, upgraded version, but it isn't even the same toy! It's a quad bike toy with a cage and a tiger. I know it sounds like a small thing but his was £15 more expensive and it's not remotely the same thing.

I think it's annoyed me so much because at Christmas I got her a dolls house for £35, a proper wooden one, it's lovely, he knew how excited I was to get it for her and then he went out and bought a £90 farm, of course she hasn't looked at the dolls house once.

I'm glad she has the farm, she adores it, I'm just sick of this one upmanship that I'm told I have to be grateful because he's spent more money and they're better toys.

I wish I could send his quad bike thing back. I don't even want to look at it

OP posts:

rvby · 20/09/2019 22:57

What did you day when you raised this with him? And how did you raise it, what did you say?

Fookinwot · 20/09/2019 22:58

He sounds like a controlling prick.

Original poster

ArthurMorgan · 20/09/2019 23:00

I just said in a calm and disappointed way that what he got wasn't what I picked out. That's when he said that they're better and she'll love it / them. I pointed out the effort I took I find them and why I wanted that particular toy and he said I was ungrateful and it was more expensive so I should be happy about it. I pretty much didn't say anything else all night.

OP posts:

HappyBumbleBee · 20/09/2019 23:01

Are you together or separated? You need to bring this up with him - especially if you're together because it's really not on!
As for the things he changed, can you order the items you chose and he discarded?

KellyHall · 20/09/2019 23:02

It seems everyone in my dd's life is intent on buying things outside what I think she'll like or she needs. So much so, I don't even bother trying to intervene any more.

Children will probably like most things so:

buy what you want
try and let it go, when others go against your wishes
try to pass on your non-materialistic attitude to your dc

HappyBumbleBee · 20/09/2019 23:02

Sorry cross posted.

EmmiJay · 20/09/2019 23:02

Why is he one-upping the mother of his child?? Weird.

Original poster

ArthurMorgan · 20/09/2019 23:04

We're together. I want to buy the things I wanted to get originally but at the same time I don't want to cause an argument. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even realise what he's doing when he does things like this

OP posts:

CocoKoko123 · 20/09/2019 23:26

Hmm this is just strange behaviour on his part.if he has form for it why couldn't you have just ordered the items you wanted to yourself when you first put them in your basket?
With exh I used to just buy what I wanted for the kids bdays/xmases and then just tell him afterwards what I'd bought.

Horehound · 20/09/2019 23:31

Stop telling him what you're buying her. He doesn't get to pick her toys over what you've picked. Tell him he is not to undermine your choices.
Is he her dad?

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2019 23:35

“I'm pretty sure he doesn't even realise what he's doing when he does things like this”

How could he not realise when he took something out of the basket and put something else in?

Mxyzptlk · 20/09/2019 23:39

I don't want to cause an argument

Of course he realises. He's being controlling.

joblotbubble · 20/09/2019 23:40

I want to buy the things I wanted to get originally but at the same time I don't want to cause an argument.

He is very subtly exercising control. Expect it to escalate.

But why is he not allowed to be involved in choosing?

Definitely 2 ways to view this. Is he her father?

Fookinwot · 20/09/2019 23:42

So you have to tiptoe around him to keep the peace because what he says goes. Controlling prick.

stoneagemum · 20/09/2019 23:44

Could you not both shop together and talk about choices?

MiniMum97 · 20/09/2019 23:53

He's being very controlling. And don't say nothing to avoid an argument - that's how he is controlling you! I would cancel the order if possible then just order what you want. Then if he says anything I would just say well you don't behave as if my opinion matters so I thought that was how we are treating each other now.

spongedog · 20/09/2019 23:57

Wow. Sorry he is controlling. You had selected carefully what you thought she would like. You offered him the opportunity to add his choices. So he had many options: he could add his choices, add nothing, perhaps query (politely) one of your choices (partic as you say you are not flush), shop elsewhere. Yet his choice is to remove yours and try to exceed.

That level of competitiveness will not end well. One of my DC recently said to me "Dad always competes with you". We have been divorced for years and yes, the competitiveness has always been there and was there during the divorce.

If you think this is accidental - and judging by his reaction it is not - then perhaps try to find out what is going on. But you need to nip this in the bud now.

This is not a small thing. He is trying to dominate. Send the quad bike back.

Littletonone19 · 21/09/2019 05:06

Reminds me of when I was with my ex. and the presents I got our DS were from Santa & the ones he got him where from him!

Does he always tend to get his own way on other areas of the relationship too?

Alicewond · 21/09/2019 05:14

“a ranger trap with bait and leopard, she's animal obsessed and loves to play vet) it's right up her street, she will love it. He's taken it out and bought the.. So he says, upgraded version, but it isn't even the same toy! It's a quad bike toy with a cage and a tiger”. Maybe if she loves animals you cano both find better toys to help her respect them rather than traps and cages?

LiveInAHidingPlace · 21/09/2019 05:17

alice what do you think a ranger is? They don't keep the animals in cages.

OP, why aren't you picking out presents for her together? Maybe he feels left out?

Heyboyo · 21/09/2019 05:39

Why is the guy controlling when it’s the OP who is insisting it’s her that wants to pick the stuff?

BlackCatSleeping · 21/09/2019 05:40

I'm pretty sure he doesn't even realise what he's doing when he does things like this

Yeah, I'm sure he does.

Sorry he ruined things for you. Is he a dick in other ways too?

Pythonesque · 21/09/2019 05:40

Presents shouldn't in any way be about how much you spend. The best one is the one that fits the recipient (chid OR adult) and will be enjoyed by them...

BlackCatSleeping · 21/09/2019 05:42

He's controlling because he replaced the stuff the OP chose. He could have picked other stuff. Stuff that doesn't compete with what the OP bought.

Like if someone buys a kid a bike, you don't buy them a more expensive flashy bike. You get them something else altogether.

Original poster

ArthurMorgan · 21/09/2019 08:03

I should mention that he's already got her presents, including one big one at £100. I'm in no way suggesting that the only presents she gets are the ones from me!

He's picked out plenty and always does and we do talk it through, I told him I wanted to get this toy and he said it was a good idea, then he said he wanted to get some small bits from the same place so I left the basket as it was to avoid two delivery charges which would be an extra tenner.
He then thought this "upgrade" was better so he took my toy out, replaced it, and then took out the small animals I picked to 'pay' for it because his was more expensive.
Then he added more expensive animals that he wanted to get. I got a saddle which he kept, which was £1.99 out of a £50 basket. My basket was £20 before he changed it.

He could always have got what he wanted to get, the issue is that he thought my choices weren't good enough and took them out and got something "better".. Which I had already dismissed.

I didn't know until the toys arrived yesterday and he was excited to show me what he got her.

I think in some part of his brain he actually thought he was doing a good thing but yes he is quite controlling usually. We've been together 9 years now.

OP posts:

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