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Original poster

A delicate dilemna

36 replies

Pan · 10/08/2007 20:09

Opinions desired..when to say something.

Briefly, A female friend of mine is in a troubled relationship with a chap. I have met him v. briefly. She has moved country to be with him, moved in to his, things fine for about a year..then he went 'cold'. No time for her, no 'chat'...lots of disregarding behaviours. He, apparently has a history of this in relationships. No children involved on either side. She is flummoxed..been away for a month back home, and now returning, to move in with a buddy of mine, whilst she tries to 'sort out' what is 'wrong' with 'partner'.

Meanwhile, said buddy tells me that partner received a police caution for downloading indecent images of children some years ago. He knows this as mutual friend was in situ when the police arrived at their accommodation, and interviewed separatley all of those in flat. He was the only male with a pc. His 'guilt' isn't questioned.

Now our mutual friend is returning, oblivious to all of this, and always has been. She is tortouring herself with her internal debates about 'what went wrong'. She is still trying to save the relationship. My buddy and me 'know' it is sunk, and it is awful to witness her struggles. My friend says we never say anthing. Ever. I'm not so sure.

Opinions requested. Not a comforatble answer. Just, what would you do? Am I being overly interfering??

thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pan · 10/08/2007 20:31

ok..I'll get on with hoovering the dining room whilst posters gather their thoughts...

OP posts:
popsycal · 10/08/2007 20:32

I would not hesitate to tell her. WOuld not cross my mind to keep it quiet. Not about something like this.

NKF · 10/08/2007 20:33

Why not tell her?

harleyd · 10/08/2007 20:35

i would tell her straight away!

tissy · 10/08/2007 20:35

don't know if it would be the right thing, but i would tell her....somehow

I don't think "interfering" is a bad thing in this situation, I would want to be told if this were me

she knows something is wrong already, so maybe it won't come as a complete surprise?

Scootergrrrl · 10/08/2007 20:35

Tell her if, to be brutually honest, you think their relationship went wrong because he is a paedophile.
Don't tell her if it actually has no bearing on what's happening to her - otherwise I imagine she'd beat herself up about not realising what he was like sooner.

NadineBaggott · 10/08/2007 20:37

Oh difficult.
I always ask myself 'would I want to know?' certainly in this case I think I would. That doesn't mean it's easy for you to offload this info. Could you try and talk to her about the relationship going nowhere without divulging the 'bombshell' info and only tell her if you think she's going to make more sacrifices to keep it going?

I do think she would feel let down if she found out at a later stage if you didn't tell her.

MaureenMLove · 10/08/2007 20:37

Umm - thats a toughy for a friday night! I think, I would NOT say anything, but then again, if this girl is going to go on and on about this guy to your buddy, since she will be living with him, maybe he should say something. Then again, is it really your business to get involved, neither of you were there afterall. Oh god, what a rotten position to be in. Rubbish answer, but you did ask!

funnypeculiar · 10/08/2007 20:38

I know its a bugger being the 'teller' in relationships, but I think I'd feel I had to tell on this one. Partly because you have no loyalty to partner, iykwim ... but also because this is serious stuff. If it was you, wouldn't you want to know?

Is the mutual friend 100% reliable ... is there any way this info could be wrong???

SittingBull · 10/08/2007 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lljkk · 10/08/2007 20:39

I would probably not tell her.

If he were guilty, why wasn't he sent away for it? You don't know enough details, it's just heresay.

Is she really going to feel better knowing she was in love with a latent paedo?

Just emphatically point out that he isn't the committing type (his history), he toyed with her feelings and she deserves much better.

hatwoman · 10/08/2007 20:40

if she's investing effort to try to save the relationship then I think you have to tell her. the quicker she moves on the better.

NadineBaggott · 10/08/2007 20:41

Isn't she already thinking he's acting a bit weirdy, maybe she won't be as shocked as you think?

LaDiDaDi · 10/08/2007 20:43

I would tell her what you know as you say that she still wants to try to save the relationship. If she had already decided that they were over, would never see him again etc then I might keep quiet but in these circumstance I would tell.

NKF · 10/08/2007 20:44

You don't have to tell her claiming it to be the gospel truth. You can say that you've heard things and think that she should know. That's the case really isn't it?

Original poster
Pan · 10/08/2007 20:47

Wow. Must hoover the dining room more often!

His guilt is unquestioned. I am most fearful of her internal wranglings, as someone said, 'wouldn't you wish to know?'..but..how much do you really know about your partner?

And yes, I do see her as a long-standing friend of mine, into the future. And IF she ever knew that which I know, and said nothing, she would possible rank me as a poor friend.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/08/2007 20:48

Say something.

NOW.

funnypeculiar · 10/08/2007 20:51

if guilt is unquestioned, how come he wasn't charged?

I'd prob still say something, even in a 'look it may be bollocks ... but.." way.

Original poster
Pan · 10/08/2007 20:52

NB.I do think she 'suspects' something. She is bright, lovely, perceptive. But..as such..always puts things down to her 'failings'. In this case..maybe not so...

no, it isn't comfortable, and no easy answer. Opinions are very welcolme.

OP posts:
harleyd · 10/08/2007 20:53

fricken hell man if she is your friend you have to tell her.

LoveMyGirls · 10/08/2007 20:53

I would say something, what if she were to get pregnant by this man, i would certainly want to know if the man i was sleeping with and therefore could get pg by is a pedofile. How would you feel if you didnt tell her and she managed to end up having his child?

Original poster
Pan · 10/08/2007 20:53

fp - it was a few years ago when the whole approach to downloading was in it's infancy.

OP posts:
oxocube · 10/08/2007 20:54

I think you've just answered your own question there Pan. Tough one though

Original poster
Pan · 10/08/2007 20:56

please say more oxo?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pan · 10/08/2007 21:01

FWIW..my buddy is male..as I am...I work professionally with downloaders. My buddy reckons my attitudes are coloured by my work.
Hence in part a desire for lots of female perspectives.

OP posts:
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