A delicate dilemna

[Pan]

Opinions desired..when to say something.

Briefly, A female friend of mine is in a troubled relationship with a chap. I have met him v. briefly. She has moved country to be with him, moved in to his, things fine for about a year..then he went 'cold'. No time for her, no 'chat'...lots of disregarding behaviours. He, apparently has a history of this in relationships. No children involved on either side. She is flummoxed..been away for a month back home, and now returning, to move in with a buddy of mine, whilst she tries to 'sort out' what is 'wrong' with 'partner'.

Meanwhile, said buddy tells me that partner received a police caution for downloading indecent images of children some years ago. He knows this as mutual friend was in situ when the police arrived at their accommodation, and interviewed separatley all of those in flat. He was the only male with a pc. His 'guilt' isn't questioned.

Now our mutual friend is returning, oblivious to all of this, and always has been. She is tortouring herself with her internal debates about 'what went wrong'. She is still trying to save the relationship. My buddy and me 'know' it is sunk, and it is awful to witness her struggles. My friend says we never say anthing. Ever. I'm not so sure.

Opinions requested. Not a comforatble answer. Just, what would you do? Am I being overly interfering??

thanks.

I think if you really care about your friend, you will have to broach this with her, uncomfortable as it will be. Like you say, if or when all comes to light, she will probably wonder if you knew and if so, why you said nothing. Although she may not want to believe you at first and will in all likelyhood call you a liar, she will thank you for it in the long run if, as you say, these are undisputed facts and not just hearsay.

Horrible position to be in though.

I work professionally with downloaders.

eh wot?

thank you oxo, and you all. The advantage of MN. Again.

I thought I was right in thinking she should know. It will 'crush her' to an extent. But..

I will insist my buddy lets her know ( he is closer to her), but if he balks at it, I will tell him that I will inform her, if he doesn't.

harleyd - I work with sex offenders. Hence the need for a feamle/objective view. That's all.

oh right. couldnt do it myself. but i do think you have tell your friend

i mean as in the job, not as in the telling of the friend

No tell her to run. Fast

I'd tell her, as gently as possible. If this was me, I'd hate to be the last to know.

I would worry about how it would affect her though. I know she has the right to know and I know she should be told but would it tear her to pieces to know that she's been oblivious to all this and she's attracted someone like this.
If the reationship is coming to an end and this man will be disppearing from all your lives soon, would it be kinder not to tell her if it's something that would haunt her for ever.
Of course, if it's NOT coming to an end, then it's different and even harder for you and your mate. Then I agree that you should tell her to get her away from him.
Tough to have to do though.

I would tell her

Well, my buddy is a very long-standing friend of said 'partner'. Feamle friend is almost totally dependant, socially on me, buddy and 'partner'. That does raise the consequence, a bit. She knows no-one else as people to know/meet/be with. The end of relationship will leave her pretty vulnerable alread. Knowing this, will be a horrid ending.

and thank you all. It's much clearer.