Can I have some tips to help with my parents please?

[TooStressyTooMessy]

I have two DCs age 6 and 9. Prior to having kids I thought I had a good relationship with my parents and so did DH. After I had children it all went wrong.

I don’t want to make the OP too long but there is no huge backstory, just that over the years they have made it very clear that they think we are bad parents and are doing it all wrong. In particular discipline. They think we are too harsh. I am not too harsh. If anything I am too soft. I went on a parenting course years ago where I was told (rightly) that my desire for the kids to spend their lives having fun and my reluctance to tell them off or discipline / upset them was not doing them any favours. I stepped up after that and started trying to be more or a parent and less of a friend. They have always been anxious, eg a sniffle could be pneumonia.

My parents hate it when the children cry and say they don’t want to hear any crying. They also get annoyed if we ask the children to do anything (eg use a knife and fork, make their bed, stop jumping on the sofa) as they think we are ‘picking’ on the kids.

Because of distance we see them every couple of months as they live a 3 ish hour drive away. This means the vast majority of the time I get on with life without them. Despite this they seem to think we are incapable as parents and that DH in particular is too harsh. They think this as I pretty much stopped disciplining the kids when they were around as the pointed looks, whispers and concerned faces were more than I could take. Once the kids are in bed they list to us the problems they see and their concerns, eg are they doing enough / too much homework, activities. It’s exhausting. I have always found parenting hard anyway and am fully aware that I am not perfect but this really doesn’t help.

With another visit looming I couldn’t take it anymore and spoke to them over the phone 2 weeks ago. I was fairly brutal and said they needed to understand that they were our children and that the constant judgement was very difficult. In addition them taking them to Smiggle, John Lewis etc and then being surprised that the kids get over excited and buy loads of tat is entirely predictable.

I have spoken to my mum since who has cancelled the next two visits with us to ‘give us space’ and says in future they will only visit for a few hours at a time. Selfishly this is a massive relief. In reality though they cannot do that much driving in a day and when we visit them it will be for longer anyway as no way are we doing a 3-4 hour car trip with two kids twice in a day.

I am totally aware there is fault on all sides. The kids love them and they really mean well. I did make it clear repeatedly as well that we are very grateful for all they do and that the kids love them.

For full disclosure, I have posted about my parents before under different names. We have a great relationship with my in-laws who treat us like adults, only give advice if asked, are pretty chilled out and the advice they give is great. They fully back us up with discipline too.

I don’t know where to go from here. I am due to speak to them tomorrow and am really worried I will end up backing down, apologising and we will go back to where we were before.

Any tips appreciated. Also any flaming for being ungrateful!

What sort of things are the children crying about? Are you telling them off a lot? The whole thing sounds really stressful for everyone.
Your parents, while highly sensitive don’t feel respected or listened to either. maybe on some occasions you could let things go a little? It doesn’t mean the kids will suddenly fly off the rails. What’s a mealtime like if you’re telling them to hold things properly etc all the time? I’m finding it hard to imagine the whole scenario where you have to tell you children off so regularly that it’s causing such resentment between all the adults.

TSTM,

BACP I think have a sliding scale of fees. Think of it as an investment in your own self.

Re such people you need to do your own due diligence here because the first person you come across may not be the right one. You need to find someone who fits in with your own approach so ask them lots of questions in advance. They are really like shoes, you need to find someone who fits

I hate mealtimes at the best of times. DD1 is fussy and tbh unless food is chips, chocolate, crisps etc is never happy. DH is stricter than me on table manners and it is something we fall out over. When my parents are there the kids seem even worse. The trouble with mealtimes is more things like they will want to run off, we will request they ask to leave the table but apparently even that is too much. Mealtimes I do really struggle with as I absolutely hate them. At the best of times we are all on edge before we even sit down.

To give another example, they might have already had biscuits, crisps and chocolate. They will ask for an ice cream. DH or I will say no, the kids will cry (as kids do) then my parents will say they are too strict.

They just seem to go wild when mum and dad come. Throwing things, jumping off sofas, hitting each other. We will tell them off (I use 123 magic so it is not a long drawn out affair) for that.

My parents like to go out to eat and go out for coffee etc. So especially in a coffee shop, they will try to run around. Not so much DD1 but DD2 will be trying to get down, run. With hot drinks around! Obviously this is dangerous and unacceptable so we will warn her then remove her if necessary for a few mins. My parents think this is awful as we should all be having a nice time together. In what universe is taking children out to eat fun anyway?!

On my part I will tell them it’s time for gymnastics/ some other activity. They will briefly whinge to say they don’t want to go but once there will love it and it is good exercise. My parents think that we should just say ‘ok that’s fine’ as they must be tired. They are not tired! What they want to do is stay at home and watch shit on YouTube which there is also plenty of time for.

Thanks for the therapy info.

I’m currently sitting child free while DC at activity. I have heard at least 10 children crying. All for very standard reasons... toddlers fighting with each other. At least 2 crying for no apparent reason. Older children crying because they want to eat all the annoyingly placed sweets and crisps. Others because they want to play on their parents’ phones, do not want to wait for siblings, don’t want to to homework etc. Kids cry and whinge all the time. My parents would be appalled and think there was something terribly wrong with all these normal things.

As I’ve got older I look back at mealtimes and my expectations of young children and I think it is a lot to expect of them when they’re bored, hungry etc. I’m in the minority on here though where most think kids should have impeccable table manners. I personally prefer a more relaxed time where kids come and go etc. The crying for sweets though is really really tough. I can remember the battles over when to have the effing ice cream on a trip. Now it’s always straight away and done with!

From reading your post about the cafes and mealtimes, it sounds like your kids are toddlers. Then I saw from the original post that they are 6 and 9, which surprises me a little as imvho they should know how to behave in those situations by that age.

It somehow sounds like they know when to play up and push buttons. If this is the case I would say you need to be stricter not softer. Tell them how they are expected to behave. Repeat repeat repeat. There are phases when I feel I’m constantly on my kids’ backs. Not shouting but just nagging I suppose. I try to remember that they are training to be adults so it’s my role as a parent to help them understand how to act in certain situations.

I don’t know what your parents hope to get out of telling you to soften up. Satisfying your parents short term need for quiet or calm will not aide your kids long term need to understand what is appropriate and what’s not.

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk is a great book and in fact useful I think for communicating on all levels, not just with kids.

Honestly your parents need to do one and let you crack on, especially if there are already a couple of behavior or listening or discipline issues.

YY you are absolutely right I know. In fact, my parents main complaint is that we are constantly on the kids backs, nagging, repeating. Or more DH as I have been saying nothing while they are here. That is exactly what they think we should stop as we nag them all the time apparently.

Thinking clearly about it though it means that trying to improve table manners is set back every single time they see my parents as they can get away with murder.

Which is normal if they are repeating the behaviors that you don’t want. It’s relentless sometimes. And regardless of whether you abd DH are being too strict or lenient, your parents need to just stop.

I think your DC sound very bright Toostressy and all DC are skilled at exploiting the gaps that appear between differenting parenting styles! . My DD does it when DH and I disagree over something (usually related to giving more freedom).

Maybe you could take the DC aside before going out to a coffee shop for example and tell them that you know they can behave well and that you are relying on them to do so while you are all out with GPS , and at the first sign of running around, you will be leaving and going straight home and no more treats (leave the Smiggle trip to follow for leverage) . And follow through if necessary. Brief the GPS in advance too. Tell them that that is what is happening and you expect their support. No debate or discussion. Make it clear that you must all be on the same page. (Frustrating that you have to do this but anyway ... .)

If one or other does not oblige, then no more trips to coffee shops and explain why and limit the group activities until your gps are on board. Tell them you are sick of having to battle against them while trying to discipline the DC, and that instead of tutting and sighing (I would definitely address that directly while it is happening) all adults need to come together sensibly to parent the children in the same way or else they will become confused and act up. Your house. Your rules. Your dc. And if they have anything to say about it, please could they address the issue after the DC have gone to bed and are out of earshot.

And your trump card of course is limiting visits overall if things don't improve. And if they complain, you can explain to them that you find it too stressful when they constantly criticise you and your dh's parenting style and constantly undermine your authority with the DC, who behave better when they are not there.

There is a very helpful parenting model thing that was explained on another thread on here for parenting teens (which I have found immensely helpful when trying to communicate with my teen dd) which would equally apply in this situation.

So keep adult >adult model in your head, in the heat of he moment, when communicating with your parents.

Don't start supplicating/ asking for permission which = child > parent.

Don't lose your temper which also = child > parent.

The trouble is they are firmly stuck in parent > child when talking to you which is what has to change! So the minute they address you in parent> child mode, instead of adult to adult mode, disengage. Hope that makes sense. Only respond to them in adult> adult.

Good luck

That makes sense SC, thank you. It absolutely is relentless TipTopTap! That’s what they don’t seem to get.

Well I have phoned my parents as planned. They weren’t in (or were they?) and so I left a voicemail. My Mum rang and said my Dad had gone out for a walk! So I had a nice adult (I hope!) conversation with her. Went for the bright and breezy approach as with her I have already discussed the conversation anyway. She spoke to the girls. All good. Still not heard from my dad but I will just have to see what happens I suppose. I’ve done my bit now...