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Original poster

DH offending my friends

34 replies

wonderllama · 20/09/2019 07:31

This is a strange one so please bear with me but I’d really like others advice/opinion on this please. I don’t know if I’m over-reacting by being annoyed with DH over this or not?
When we had our baby very dear, old friends of mine came to visit and brought a gift. An expensive piece of equipment that we didn’t technically need but was lovely to have. The sort of thing we wouldn’t have bought ourselves. They also have older children and very generously have handed down lots of clothes and all their baby stuff. We don’t have close family or any other friends who have made an effort so it’s lovely to have somebody care. However, it’s my DH reaction that’s bothering me. When they gave the gift he said “thanks very much but please don’t buy us anything else. We don’t like people buying us things” umm what? We’d never discussed that. I could tell my friends feelings were hurt and since then they haven’t been to visit again. I’ve apologised to them in person for what he said but I’m fuming. He’s also being weird if they give me a bag of clothes for example. He gets really grumpy and difficult and negative. Saying things like “we’ve got enough stuff already” “we don’t need it” before I’ve even looked through to see what it is! 9/10 items they give ARE useful or are aged stuff that baby will grow into. We aren’t space limited. It’s saving us money because I don’t have to buy those things and I just don’t get it. He won’t engage about why. Just goes in a huff and it’s me being argumentative if I try and raise what’s the issue here? I just do not get it and I’m feeling a bit peed off that he’s been rude to my friends in my home when it was uncalled for. Can anyone throw any light on this please?

OP posts:
Thistly · 20/09/2019 07:34

He won’t engage about why. Just goes in a huff and it’s me being argumentative
This is a red flag to me. Does he refuse to engage over other things which are important to you?
That is not a viable stance in a relationship.

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 20/09/2019 07:35

Something must be getting lost in text because your DH's response doesn't seem that rude to me, he said thank you? Was it his tone? It sounds like it would have been a bit awkward but has your friend given it a lot of thought? Have they followed it up with you and said they were offended?
All the annoyance about hand me downs is weird though, maybe he just thinks the stuff is a bit crap but doesn't want to blatantly say that?
Doesn't sound like a big deal really.

Wintersnowdrop · 20/09/2019 07:35

Sorry, can’t throw any light on it, but how rude and hurtful to your friends. 😱 is he jealous that you have a relationship with someone else.? Jealous that they can afford to buy you an expensive gift?
What’s he like apart from this?

fedup21 · 20/09/2019 07:36

Is he being like this with everybody or just them?

Did he like them before you had kids?

AmIThough · 20/09/2019 07:38

Are they better off than you? Does he feel emasculated?

I'm not justifying his actions because he's being childish, but I know when I was pregnant I only wanted to buy brand new things for my baby - ridiculous I know, I see that now and am super grateful for hand-me-downs!

Equalityumber · 20/09/2019 07:39

Are these friends wealthy? Perhaps he felt inferior in front of them.

soccerbabe · 20/09/2019 07:40

has he ever been odd about presents before this? does he come from a poor background (so could be sensitive about hand me downs/lavish gifts from not wanting to be perceived as a "charity case")?

IggyAce · 20/09/2019 07:41

What’s your dh family background? Was he the youngest? In care? I just wonder with the clothes if he wore hand me downs and hated it and doesn’t want the same for his child.
Can’t help with the rest but he needs to talk and not go off in a huff.

chipsandgin · 20/09/2019 07:42

Does he hate birthdays and Christmas too? Is there some childhood trauma related to gifts? Is he generally rude and ungrateful?

Very odd attitude! I’d say to this friend that you are sorry he’s been so weird about it and when he said ‘we’ don’t like gifts being given to us in a lovely thoughtful & generous way he wasn’t speaking for both of you it’s entirely his batshit issue and you aren’t clear what it is but want to be clear it isn’t a joint opinion.

Then ask him what his problem is - regardless of ‘huffs’ because you are married to him and he isn’t a big baby who gets to throw his toys out of the pram when things don’t go his way! So rude!

MollyButton · 20/09/2019 07:44

Is it just these friends? If so you need to have a child free non threatening conversation about it, with you listening to him. Maybe go for a walk if you can get someone to babysit (or take the baby in the buggy sleeping).

Do you have other personal friends he is pleasant to?
If not - is he isolating you from friends?
Then you have much bigger problems.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 20/09/2019 07:48

I’m coming from a different angle on this - are you good at getting rid of things you don’t need? Or do you tend to hold onto them?
If you thought you might be a hoarder, being given things, bagfuls of clothes for example, can become a big stifling problem later down the line, and your DH might be forseeing this...

chipsandgin · 20/09/2019 07:48

& btw I’m sure your friend already knows he’s a dick and is basically putting up with him for your sake - she no doubt realises you appreciate her kindness.

It’s always hard when lovely friends are married to people who make you wonder how on earth they got together/stay together. I always think it’s ‘boiling frog syndrome’ - the partner started off being nice then years of gradually becoming more of an arsehole (water heating up gradually) condition the lovely half of the couple to think it’s all normal - but it really isn’t..instances like this make you realise that actually the water is boiling...

NicolaStart · 20/09/2019 07:52

He had absolutely no right to say that to YOUR friends on behalf of both of you.

They are allowed to give you gifts, you are allowed to accept, if he doesn’t appreciate it he should just stay out if it.

If you ask him calmly away from the heat of the moment “what is it about accepting gifts that you don’t like?” does he refuse to talk?

Anyway, I would be extremely firm: he has no right to speak to anyone, let alone your own friends, on your behalf.

Arrange to meet your friends separately from him.

AJPTaylor · 20/09/2019 07:57

Maybe one of 2 things.
He sees being stuff as charity and the implication is that he cannot afford to provide for his family.

He is an arse.
I merrily swapped/offered my stuff when my oldest ones were small. I managed to offend one women by offering. Her response was similar to your husband. Since then I have trodden more carefully before offering.

I

SellmeyourMLMcrap · 20/09/2019 08:42

I think this is really simple. It's just his Ego. I don't buy any other reasoning as the way he responded sounds exactly like he feels like he can not provide for his family.

A mans Ego can really mess with them, it's hardwired into their DNA to protect and provide for their families and some men have a great deal of difficulty in dealing with the modern world and not being the main/only earner never mind accepting charity from other people women.

It's probably not something he'll seek professional help over but it's worth suggesting it if he's not willing to discuss his feelings with you. It's really important that our friends respect our partners or we can find ourselves isolated eventually so I think you shouldn't let this judt drop.

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2019 08:44

Yes he's clearly been rude and ungrateful.

I'd also ask if he perceives them as better off and this as charity?

ThePhoenixRises · 20/09/2019 08:46

Does he feel like they are providing the items he should be but can't afford to do so?

ThePhoenixRises · 20/09/2019 08:47

Making him feel a bit shit about himself

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/09/2019 09:37

When offering other people outgrown/worn/second hand baby stuff, there seem to be two different types of recipient.

One type is grateful for any donations, will sort through bags, donate to charity anything they don't want, and use to oblivion everything else.

The other type is vaguely insulted that you thought they might want their second hand stuff; do you think that they are struggling for money, and can't afford to buy things...

There is another sort, the kind that only dresses their child in brand new, designer label gear and buys a new pram every time they have another baby, but you can spot these quite easily.

Maybe he's a type two. Or even a type three, it might be too early to tell.

Original poster
wonderllama · 20/09/2019 10:26

It’s definitely not an issue with them being wealthier. It’s not an issue with wanting only new things. He doesn’t like spending money and never shops for baby. All those type of purchases are down to me. It could be ego and complicated. That’s not something I understand. He doesn’t really like it if I’m close to other people. He seems to feel threatened/pushed out by that but doesn’t seem to even realise that’s what it is? It’s just an instinct/nature reaction if that makes sense. He does tend to say what he wants and not think before he speaks. He does have a lot of bravado and it’s been an issue before. I’m wondering if it’s a lack of control?

OP posts:
SVRT19674 · 20/09/2019 10:32

I agree with @Zaphodsotherhead. She is spot on.

AmIThough · 20/09/2019 10:43

@wonderllama are they your only close friends? Sounds like he's trying to isolate you.

Does he have friends?

Thistly · 20/09/2019 22:32

More red flags.

ArthurMorgan · 20/09/2019 22:37

Could it be that he had visions of being 'the provider" and maybe somewhere in his mind he's feeling that your friends are taking some of this away from him? Just a suggestion..

Dappledsunlight · 20/09/2019 22:51

Is it some primal issue perhaps about him feeling their actions are undermining his "hunter gatherer " role? Making him feel insecure in other words?