Forgetting the abuse? New man?

[mamapart]

I've posted on here ALOT. About my ex partner/ child's father. We've had an extremely rocky past. With abuse of different kinds, toxic behaviours and jealousy. It's been a while since we've been together. But he's been asking for me back, saying he can't see himself with anyone else. All he has is me. I'm his forever. I've agreed to do a trail couple of days with him. (Due to my housing I'm not meant to stay anywhere else but home, so too risky to stay longer). It's been great with him, but I'm struggling to forget the past. I'm worried it won't work out and I'll end up with nothing and no one again. I'm also worried that I'll say no to us being together and break both of our hearts and I'll regret it and I just don't know what to do. He really does seem to have changed. But I also feel I need to focus on getting myself better. Idk. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

So what has he actually done to show you he has changed, apart from whine at you?

If you want to try again with him, why does it have to go straight back to living together? Why not try just going out with him, going on some dates... but not diving back into living together.

Don't do it.

Abusive men do bit change. Love does not mean the same thing to them as it does to us. Think of the bully on the playground - that's essentially who he is. A bully.

They need to abuse in order to feel powerful, they crave it. He isn't damaged or mentally Ill, insecure or an angry person - he is just a nasty, abusive monster.
Lions don't become zebras. Predators don't stop being predators.

Google the cycle of abuse and
also you could read 'why does he do that' by Lundy, its a good start.

No trials! He is abusive, stay away from him. No one deserves that shit.

Argh you could be me! I posted something v similar last week and had some great advice.

lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/

He's being a lot nicer, and appreciative, what if he really has changed? I'm still so in love with him, and I hate seeing him so upset.

He's doing that to reel you back in. Once he's confident you'll stay he'll switch backs again.

Don't give up yr own place. If u must stay with your ex abuser then let him date you. It will take more than a few days until the cycle starts again.

Don't do it. I did and he was on best behaviour for a while and now we are back to square one. They really don't change x

mamapart, it really would not be advisable to go back to him, you are courting danger here.

Why can't you just see him but not live with him - for quite a while? Maybe the odd weekend but both maintain your own homes.

He doesn't want to just date, he wants to live together , as a family, he says he's ready to settle down. Is it possible he's being abusive without realising it?

Sounds like he's already got you hook, line, and sinker. So I don't think it matters what anyone else can tell you here. A lot of us can tell you from experience that men like this never change. They claim they've had an epiphany and changed and act like it for a while, as another commenter mentioned, it's called the cycle of abuse. I wouldn't put yourself back in that kind of situation, especially if you've got children. You're not just effecting yourself, you're going to effect your children.

Think wisely is all I can say, and don't brush off what other women/men can tell you about abusive partners.

So what if he wants that? He hasn't proved he is capable or deserving of it yet!?

And of course hr wants you under his roof again - for the control so he can start to abuse you again!

Also, he is NOT hurting. I repeat, he is NOT hurting. It is an act. He may be distressed about losing control over you but that all. He doesn't 'miss' you, he can't ever love you and he wants to harm you.

He HATES you. I know that may be difficult to understand as how can anyone we care for, who claims to love us actually despise us. But look at his last actions, that shit ain't love, or like - its pure spite and bile.

Please do not move in with this man. If you want to know if he's changed- tell him NO. Absolutely and firmly. You'll soon see the real him come back. Either he'll turn nasty again or he'll just refuse to take no for an answer because he doesn't care about your boundaries.

The term is hoovering. He wants you back in place so he'll make promises and be lovely with you until he's got you right back where he wants you. Run like the fucking wind, he's not changed.

Don’t move in with him or get intimate until he goes therapy with you and you resolve his issues

Mrsnotnice - it is NEVER recommended to go to therapy with an abuser! They end up twisting things and nothing gets fixed. In many cases they even convince the therapist you are the one with issues.

Go to therapy alone (for codependency and self esteem issues). It sounds like a good idea in ops case. But never with the abuser.

Don’t go back. You left for good reasons and I’m sure it took you a while to prepare and plan to leave. He’s now showing you the behaviours he thinks you want to see. Without a doubt, he will revert to type once you are once again ensnared

Is it not possible for him to he abusive without realising? And I misunderstood him, he's not saying I have to move in, but I can stay with him on the weekends and stuff. I'm just worries.

I'm starting to think this is a troll considering you're not remotely listening to what anyone is saying to you.

Here you go OP, sound familiar?

I know you want to believe the best of him, but as others have mentioned, if he won’t take your no for an answer he hasn’t changed.

If you really think he’s changed or doesn’t know what he’s doing, challenge it and see how fast he shows his true colours.

Disclaimer, as long as it’s safe for you to do that. If there’s a chance he’ll get violent, just get the fuck out.

Before you decide you still love him, listen to the podcast 'It's Not Normal, It's Toxic' - episode Am I "In Love"? You can find the podcast on the usual places, and also at anchor.fm/drheidi - it's about the third episode down.

OP, I personally believe that some abusers can abuse without consciously realising it or deliberately setting out to abuse. Obviously some do, but I think others are psychologically messed up/deficient and lack the emotional tools to let themselves face up to what they're doing to you. Or it's all part of their (terrible) coping mechanisms for dealing with their own pain.

Others may disagree with me, but this is based on my own experience. And I know it makes it very, very difficult to leave the abuser. After all, he's not a totally evil psycho who wants to destroy your life--he wants to have a happy relationship with you. He just keeps screwing it up whenever you let him try.

I don't believe these men can change--or if they can, the likelihood is so small, it's not worth the risk to you. It is much safer, happier, and healthier to move on with your life and not remain caught up in his terrible cycle, no matter how good it may look when he is in the "nice" phase.

As a matter of fact, it's kindest to BOTH of you to go ahead and draw a line under it and move on with your life. He needs serious help to improve his own behavior and he just won't get that if you keep letting him suck you back in--why would he, if what he's doing works for him?

I've heard it takes an average of 7 tries to break free of an abusive relationship. So you're not an idiot or deserving of abuse if you've had trouble breaking free--but please do listen to our advice, OP. Take it from those who have been there and leave him for good if you are able to find the strength.

Focusing on yourself getting better is a GREAT idea--prioritize that! If he has truly changed his ways, he will understand AND RESPECT your need to do that, and he won't pressure you to do ANYTHING that you feel doubtful about, whether that's living together rather than just dating, or taking a break altogether while you work on yourself for a good long period of time. If he can't take no for an answer on ANY aspect, he is still trying to control you and that is abuse, whether he's doing it from being evil or from being pathetic.

Also, you should never be asked to forget the past. What you're doing when you remember the past is not dwelling on resentment and refusing to forgive (abusers love to trot that accusation out). You're actually learning from experience and being smart if you don't forget the past. You are doing a lot of the right thing, OP! Just keep doing that part!

CousinKrispy brilliant advice. I agree with everything you said.

Thank you so much everyone. He and I had a long, emotional talk. I made it clear it was about. Our daughter and not us. I said that if he ever wanted us to work he would need to go to counselling/ anger management to prove he has changed, and I need to better myself. He wasn't keen at first but he said he'll do an online one which I suggested. I said it's probably best we be friends now and discuss only our child. He got very upset and he left shortly after. I suffer really bad with anxiety, depression and I've (intrusive thoughts) and I'm panicking, I have to go about like normal now putting our child to bed. I'm so hurt. I just want to call him up and take everything back. And just be with him. Everything was good, it was my fear keeping me back of him going back to being the same.

Op you've done brilliantly! You can't fix his shit, only he can do that (if anyone). He is toxic for you. And if we are assuming any possibility that he can change - taking him back would be toxic for him too as it would take away any incentive for him to work on himself.

I doubt an online course will make a jot of difference, as abusers just use counciling to learn to be better abusers. But YOU should see about speaking to your gp. I think you having some counciling would work wonders. Try find someone that focuses on codependency or victims of abuse.

I read a comment from that Lundy chap that resonates well with me 'abusers are not abusive because they are angry - they are angry because they are abusive'.

You have done your daughter n yourself justice in telling him no. Keep up your defences, he might not give up this easy. You should be proud of yourself. Stay strong x

You're a brave woman, mamapart. Well done. Of course you feel 'shaky' now because he has been a big part of your life but do stick to your guns. It will be better for all three of you in the long run.