Problem or not?

[Brummieboyo]

Hi
So keeping this brief as I can I'm after advice. Quick background info! I'm in my 30's a mechanic and in a fairly new but very good relationship I believe. 8 months or so.
My partner has said, in the past and fairly rarely now a group of friends use drugs at parties. Id say it's a cultural thing they do together as has historically been the case. In my early 20's I would have done so but not for 10 years or more. It doesn't concern me at all if they want to do that in my presence, Their choice’s as adults is not a concern of mine as is my will not too to them.

However.
My question is this, personally it's not something I would necessarily want my partner to join in with. I would be concerned if she still wanted to do, very briefly she has said it's not necessarily something she still wants to do, though importantly without ruling it out completely.

Health, risk and mental health impacts particularly, combine to make me think it's not worth the risk.

I don't know how to raise the convo without it sounding controlling or judgemental.
The impact on a new relationship vs the worry and concern if she did choose to participate at parties with or without me present.
Advice not on the morals of drug use as it were but how to or not to raise it.
Maybe I should just stay muted and see how it plays out? How long do I leave it if it’s worrying me.
It would probably be a game changer if it was to continue but it has to be a choice to stop from within I know that not a condition I can set. This is not brief now I read it back sorry!

It seems like you don't understand that it's perfectly fine and healthy for you to have standards. I would never tolerate illegal drug use in a relationship and I certainly wouldn't apologise for it. It's not controlling or judgemental, it adhering to your own code of conduct and what you're willing to accept in a relationship.

Hmmm difficult one really

On the one hand you need to be able to trust her to make her own adult decisions

But on the other you have the absolute right to consider this to be a deal breaker

Could you explain to her much as you have above? Maybe tell her why for you this would be a deal breaker?

She may come back at you and say that she has made it to X age without becoming an addict and that your input is unwarranted and unwanted

The point is, do you trust her and want to be with her?

Thanks for the replies.
On all other matters I think our morals are aligned we have very similar views on most things, hence why it concerns me about raising issue over something that may not be a real concern now.
It's the timing in the sense that it's fairly new still and don't want it to be taken the wrong way.
I like her friends and don't want to cause any sense of tension if she wants to socialise with them. She left the doubt in my mind that she hasn't ruled out taking anything again.
I may be over thinking but can see the potential to imply distrust or make for suspicion between us.
Also don't want to have to face the issue at an given social event where it will be less easy to deal with that has potential to cause a problem.

I trust her implicitly have no question to doubt her. But this is an unknown as we haven't encountered it yet in our relationship. What we both have done in our pasts doesn't necessarily translate to our future joint morals if that makes sense.

I think that if you approach her as you have here you will be just fine to be honest

I am sure that she would rather know how you feel about it

How old is she?

In this situation I wouldn’t say much, see what they do or don’t do, if you “tell” some1 not to take drugs then you’re controlling and trying to change them.... but finishing with some1 b’cos they take drugs is much cleaner and quicker

You dont get to tell her what to do. She's an adult who you, presumably, dated knowing her social life. If her social life isn't for you, rather than restrict her social life, you should end the relationship and find someone more compatible.

How does your ability to fix cars come into this?

Old enough to know that illegal drugs are bad for you. If you enjoy a high fine but it's not without risk or damage.

This came up in convo some way into our relationship if I'd have known early in I'd have clarified my position easier I think. so already committed and not wanting to rock the boat as we are good and planning for the future.

My fixing cars bears no reluctance 😂 just thought it painted a picture for you! Just normal working people.

Picsinred is it controlling to ask someone not to do something illegal or just morally sound advice?

I'm asking her age because you might be at different life stages. It would be a bit unfair for you to be saying "in my early 20's I would have done so but not for 10 years or more" and it turns out she and her mates are early 20s and living that lifestyle you've already had.

It's not controlling to be uncomfortable with your partner using illegal drugs. If anything it's a positive you'd rather her not get involved in that.
Each to their own but only you can decide what's acceptable in your relationship. It's your boundary.

Yes I see, we are both a similar age.

OP there are really no such thing as joint morals. I'd advise you to really think that through. Never get into a situation where you assume your partner shares your values and morals - that's how you forget shes her own person. I speak from experience because I (female) did this with my now exdh.

Also you say you trust her implicitly. That's unwise at 8 months into knowing someone. You barely know her at present. I'm not trying to be funny on this, I'm just trying to reset you a bit here. YOU are the person you know best, what you need to concentrate on here is what is OK with YOU. She is still revealing herself to you and that is normal and ok.

Something she had revealed to you so far is that she occasionally likes to take illegal drugs.

You don't like this and it worries you.

If I were you - I'd walk away immediately. This is a major clash of lifestyle and values. You want someone more conservative and traditional in her choices, shes clearly telling you that shes not that person and that is ok.

Please dont keep seeing someone who does things that make you feel uncomfortable and worried.

And ffs please dont try to negotiate her into changing. There are literally billions of women in the world. Dont try to take someone on as a renovation project, take them as they are or leave them be. Again I speak from.experience.

OP - this has nothing to do with morals. Or joint morals for that matter.
It is also quite hypocritical to say that in your 20s you also use same drugs, and now it became a ‘moral issue’ for you.
I get it that you say there is a health worry. But to an extent.
I personally think regular consumption of alcohol causes a lot more health damage than an occasional rare marijuana or even party drugs.
By your own description that group of friends does this very rarely now. Probably for old times sake.
And being in their 30s they will start having kids soon, so it will go down even more.
Your gf is by no means an addict. And to me you do sound like you want to attempt to control her. You made your choice to stop in your 20s... She hasn’t yet made herb choice. But neither is she really endangering herself with a very rare potential smoke or a pill. And it’s probably less damaging than people stumbling home after a night at the bar on a Fri.

And before you throw stones at me for saying what I said - I have never taken drugs and don’t drink.
So I am not defending her because I am like her.
I am defending her right to make a choice about her body and her health.
You, obviously, don’t have to stay with her.

Hi and thanks for your thoughts. Everyone has valid opinions so speak openly obviously I asked here as I want the range of opinions to gage better responses if i approach the subject. Let's say the lads at work are not very helpful in such matters 😂

I would say that yes I naively tried drugs in my youth and now with better understanding feel there is no such thing as safe drug use. Class A drugs are obviously dangerous short term and long term regardless of frequency of use. As is alcohol but that is more socially acceptable and we drink in moderation so no concern there.

Say for instance your partner was driving home drunk and that wasn't acceptable to you. You would be within your rights to say that it is not acceptable? That doesn't seem controlling to me? More the thought that as a couple you have moral standards you agree on.
But maybe it does fall in the same area of wanting someone to change a behaviour?

My main concern is to raise the issue without making some stigma towards socialising with the particular group of friends as I like them and they are a close group.

Driving drunk or using drugs are behavioural choices NOT moral.
And if you leave your partner bc they chose to drive home drunk - it’s your right and your choice.
However - like with any behaviour - it’s a personal choice.
And yes - it hypocritical and controlling when you say -
You know occasional rare drug consumption of light drugs is the same damage as moderate alcohol - however because society accepts it -it’s OK.
When behaviour choices differ - and it’s a matter of opinion - yours VS hers - you can express a concern. But anything else is controlling.
In your case anyway - where it’s hypothetical and does not impact on your relationship.

It also sounds like you want to slowly isolate her from her old group of friends by using this as an excuse.
I hope she sees it and makes a decision on whether she wants to live with it.
You seem to be a person who thinks he has the only right opinions possible. This starts here - and will evolve.
A friend of mine is married to someone like you. He was (trying to control) what she ate during pregnancy and in general. For eg - he is convinced a particular soft drink is bad for health - so he doesn’t let her drink that.
Then there are things he doesn’t want to have her eat - and she hides when she eats them.
And there is more.

I hope your GF escapes that fate and gets to be with someone who treats her as an adult. And who lets her to make her own choices.

As for drink driving I think you have a moral obligation to discourage such activity allowing the one you love to put others at risk is not acceptable. This is beside the point initially raised.

As I've said I like her friends and hope to become more part of the group they are a good bunch aside to this one concern.
My main worry is to not make her feel isolated from then by not joining in in that activity.
I have been in controlling relationship towards me and know that is the very worst situation to be in. Everything is through choice, choose to be with each other or don't simple.

I feel that the best corse is to express my belief that class A drugs are not safe and hope she chooses to take the same view. The mental health impacts of even light drug use can be permanent and if I want to spend my life with someone I would rather they didn't will-fully damage their brain. As I would keep myself in reasonable shape for a better life.

I wonder if I had posted and I considered it as a gf posting about a bf if the response would be different. Rhetorical thought.
I say in my initial post that I understand it is a decision as all are that has to be made from within. She must choose to or not to just how to make my feelings felt without the worry of causing a stalemate.

Sounds like a bloody good plan

And I agree OP if this was a female OP it would have been LTB

And yes drink driving is a massively moral issue. You are choosing to put lives at risk for your own convenience

And yes, you should have similar core values for it to work

If drug use is a deal breaker for you then I think it's fair to raise it with her.

The fact that you are 8months into a relationship is anappropriate time as you and her are starting to invest.
I would not date anyone who took drugs or drank excessively. It is not controlling just my preference. If she chooses to take drugs then you and her are not compatible. Later down the line if you tried to influence her behaviour (frown/sulk or argue when she goes out withdrug taking friends) then that could potentially lead to you controlling her and would not be healthy.

Be clear that drugs are a no-go for you. Have an open conversation and be completely honest at this stage about how you feel. Either she is on the same page or not.

Ok - there is a point about drunk driving - that does impact other people.
However drinking on its own or occasional and like drug use still doesn’t seem to me a morality issue.

Anyway. OP, i’d say the same thing to female as I say to you.
You overdramatise the arguments for your own purposes.
The impact of, say marijuana, is greatest on a growing teenage brain. And with regular and/or heavy use.
If she (potentially) smokes it a couple times a year - there is no mind altering effect.
No more then your weekly pint, etc.
This is why, that specific drug is legalised in many countries.
(And given that she already took these drugs, whatever they were - and her MN is acceptable to you now - your argument doesn’t work that well)

If it is cocaine - most of the politicians and business leaders in this country have used it as some point in their lives - and maybe it does have some effect 😂.
But as I said - party drugs use tends to dwindle in the grown up phase of life. As will happen with her and her friends.

You seem inexperienced and not well prepared for a relationship. People may and will have different opinions on many things. And you can’t expect to always agree on your convictions - or dramatise everything.
I am a non-drinking, non-smoking, non-drug taking vegetarian. I have no problem with being in relationships with people different from me. As long as there are no excesses, no impact on a relationship, etc.

You seem to want to control not even the actual drug issue, but a potential - maybe - occasional party situation. It’s like mind control.