Problem or not?

[Brummieboyo]

Hi
So keeping this brief as I can I'm after advice. Quick background info! I'm in my 30's a mechanic and in a fairly new but very good relationship I believe. 8 months or so.
My partner has said, in the past and fairly rarely now a group of friends use drugs at parties. Id say it's a cultural thing they do together as has historically been the case. In my early 20's I would have done so but not for 10 years or more. It doesn't concern me at all if they want to do that in my presence, Their choice’s as adults is not a concern of mine as is my will not too to them.

However.
My question is this, personally it's not something I would necessarily want my partner to join in with. I would be concerned if she still wanted to do, very briefly she has said it's not necessarily something she still wants to do, though importantly without ruling it out completely.

Health, risk and mental health impacts particularly, combine to make me think it's not worth the risk.

I don't know how to raise the convo without it sounding controlling or judgemental.
The impact on a new relationship vs the worry and concern if she did choose to participate at parties with or without me present.
Advice not on the morals of drug use as it were but how to or not to raise it.
Maybe I should just stay muted and see how it plays out? How long do I leave it if it’s worrying me.
It would probably be a game changer if it was to continue but it has to be a choice to stop from within I know that not a condition I can set. This is not brief now I read it back sorry!

It also depends on what you both want in the future.

Would you be okay with her taking class A drugs then coming home to your children?

Picsinred is it controlling to ask someone not to do something illegal or just morally sound advice?

To be absolutely clear OP, it is controlling if you are pressuring her to act more like you would prefer rather than how she as a grown adult would like to live.

If you don't like drugs, don't use them. If you don't like someone your with to be a drug user then move on and find someone whose values you share more closely.

Don't be "that guy" with your moral high ground or claim that drugs are harmful and you are looking out for her, that may be what you think but it makes you come across as incredibly patronising and pretty immature.

I think it's a given that you change aspects of your own behaviour to please your partner, however small. Skipping the pub to get home early or making effort to make the bed.
And I think it's fine as you come together to point things out to each other? 'Put the toilet seat down'
That's not controlling? it's about pleasing each other and that goes both ways.

In response at this stage it would be over thinking but no I would not be ok with drug use and coming home to children. I feel that would be agreed upon.

However infrequent it is now and I see people have said it is likely to reduce with age, but what is as they earn more it becomes more frequent every couple of months. I can say that some of the group do have children and still continue to use so it hasn't dissuaded them.

MMmomDD as Ive said I have no issue with the group I enjoy their company as well and hope to become more interested, if you accept that, then the concern is about drug use and harmful effects alone. Comes down to the line between control, joint morals, and approach to the subject.

In a situation with the group I would i like to feel that if we are drinking together said gd won't appear from the kitchen mashed out of her head on class A drugs leaving me to deal with a sniffling rag doll for days on end. Worrying about the long term effects of harmful substances. Which they are else they wouldn't be illegal.

You would be a far better partner IMHO if you set out YOUR boundaries. Which YOU are entitled to.

The alternative of either dumping her now when she hasn't done anything, or letting her do it and then saying that this is your boundary is fundamentally UNFAIR.

if she knows the boundary she has a CHOICE.

she may actually be reluctant to say no never nomore because her good friends do it and she would see such a stance as an unfair judgement.

I believe that you have come across as a reasonable adult with realistic boundaries personally.

I say trust yourself.

Thanks chickenhead I think I have life experience to handle a relationship properly though this is new territory and so I am naive to it.

If I share my beliefs with her the best solution if she chooses to agree so be it. Then unless she freely say she has no intention too. (She previously said ' I don't think I want to anymore' but stopped short of saying that it was behind her ) I will have to wait and see I suppose. And if she says defiantly that she doesn't rule it out then I feel better learnt now than when we are more heavily invested. :(
Everything else seems spot on and it would be a huge decision to walk away.

You need to weigh it up with how much of a sacrifice you'd be making & how many good qualities she has.

For me, any drug taking is a deal breaker recreational or otherwise.
I wouldn't judge anyone for trying things when they're younger but a grown adult choosing it just isn't for me relationship wise. To me if it's someone who doesn't really feel the need but does it for the sake of it, that shouldn't be held on higher ground than someone with an addiction. I'm fortunate that dp is of the same mindset.

If you stay together & make too much of a deal about not agreeing with it she might do it & feel she needs to keep it a secret which won't be nice for her either. I think you would maybe need to refrain from passing judgement if you do stay in the relationship & would need to accept that she'll probably do it now & again.

You believe that it's normal and good for folk to change for their partners... ok great.

Then why arent you changing your views of drugs? Can you explain that?

OP - I am not sure you know what you are talking about. Have you ever seen your gf or her friends under influence of those drugs?
Given that you mentioned sniffling - I am going to assume they take cocaine.
And I am pretty sure you have never seen her take it - in the time you have been together. Because you are describing some completely unrealistic scenario.

If you were drinking in someone’s house and she went in the kitchen to take it - when she will come out you would not notice any or much difference.
The is no - ‘mashed out of her head’ - at most she’ll just seem a little happy. Maybe chatty. This is what that drug does.
And the effect wears out rather quickly too - so there is NO rag doll for days that you’ll need to deal with.

However - if you drink to the point of being drunk - she will have to deal with your hangover.

You sound like some weird combination of naive/immature/hollier-than-though...
Your GF is not taking drugs, she may have in the past and did it safely and in a control manner.
Why you need to make her sound like some drug seeker that you are trying to ‘save’ from a bad crowd - is unclear.

Are you very young maybe? And just navigating the adult relationships?

She has said she and they take drug and yes early in our relationship she participated. The social gatherings they organise haven't been planned over the summer but upcoming parties are planned hence the quandary: from her recalling of past events they go pretty hard. Beyond normal drunk. A sniffling mess is how she described the day after the last big blow out. 👎🏻

I've been there done that and approach this from an informed position. Hence my concern.

OP i have friends to took at lot of coke in their teens and 20’s

They are now in their 50’s and still take coke on a regular basis.

You are perfectly entitled to say you dont like it and that its a deal breaker. Its then up to her to decide what she wants to do.

Ok well that went badly. We went out and a number of her friends were taking coke. FIng restarted off their faces like total morons.
......apparently I'm abusive for asking if she wants to take coke. So it's over and all the dreams are gone.
She views my Question as abusive and I simply don't she is the one with the issue not me? How can you care for someone so much and the. Have it thrown back in your face 😢😢😢

It isn't controlling to express that taking drugs is a deal-breaker for you. It is controlling to attempt to change her by lecturing and prescribing.

One is your boundary - it is an expression of a line you do not cross. The other is an attempt to change her behaviour - and that's the point it becomes controlling. You cannot change another person anyway, so banging on about the health benefits of not taking drugs, or your views on how dangerous they all are is pointless. Especially since as an adult, she will have heard it all before.

But communicating what is a dealbreaker for you lets her know where you are at, and gives her the chance to meet you there if she wants to. At the moment, for all you know, she may not ever have planned to take drugs anyway.

Oh, sorry OP, I thought I'd got to the end of the page and I hadn't.

Tbh, having the conversation in a club probably wasn't the best time - because it was more likely she would see it as you telling her not to take drugs in that moment, rather than you expressing your deal-breaker boundary ahead of time so she could make her own decision.

I'm sorry it didn't turn out well, but it is better that you find out you are incompatible now, rather than further down the line. This would always have become an issue at some point, so as painful as it is, it is better to end things now.

You will find someone who shares your values, OP. Neither of you are 'wrong', it's just you weren't suited because of your different values on that issue.

I hope you come to see that this all happened for the best - and one day I am sure you will.

It sounds like your partner and her mates need to grow the fuck up. I wouldn't be with someone who in their 30's gets coked off their head at weekends.

Well yeah they are morons. She didn't take any last night but clearly because I was there. I wasn't being judgmental or over bearing I don't feel just asked if she was joining in. After the club talking about one fried who clearly does have a problem The question she didn't like was It seems 'have you done it whilst we've been together. Simple q. To which the answer was I don't know. Well that's a yes. And I've made no secret of my feelings towards it.
So she has intentionally not told me. Hiding drug use strikes me as a problem. She's offended by the idea of and addict which I don't be she is but it's an addiction of sorts that pulls her back in.
For me I think the writing is on the wall. We spoke for ages about marriage recently and several of her friends were asking me if it was likely to happen. 😭 better of out that living with the doubt what a shitter. I now want to know on what occasions and how often she has whilst we've been together and talking about our futures but I suppose it doesn't matter now.