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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner suddenly left me and I'm pregnant

32 replies

MedusaMomma · 19/09/2019 17:28

I'm still in shock with all of this. I tried to get advice on another thread but it got lost in all the posts. Myself and my partner have been together for 15 years. We have been through alot together but always said our love for one another got us through it all. I adored him from the first moment I clapped eyes on him and it never went away it got stronger. It took us a long time to start a family but we didn't stress and we were eventually blessed with a gorgeous son. He has Autism but this just makes him extra special and we both dote on him. We had him later than we wanted i was late 30s. We had no support network as family were either no longer with us or estranged. We always had each other and we were happy. All our spare time was spent together as a family and it just made us closer. We were on holiday in August and he told me that he just loved spending his time with us and how much he loved us. I felt more in love than ever. Its tough bringing up an autistic child but as a unit we supported each other. When my partner returned to work things changed. He now hated a job he once loved. He was snappy with me and if i asked him why he would just say it's in my head and it was me being snappy with him. I just tried to be supportive and listen to him so he could unburden. He said the love of his family git6him through. My little boy started p/t nursery and then i found out I was pregnant at 41. Neither of us wanted another child as we were happy as we were. This news turned my partner against me. He blamed me for being pregnant, he didn't want to have the baby but he was blaming me for the option of a termination. He said he was sick of carrying me financially and he hadn't been happy for some time. He spoke to me like I was dirt. This went on for a few days and he was blaming me for all his problems and it was almost as if me being pregnant was my problem alone and I had to deal with it. He softened a little as I told him I was genuinely concerned for his mental heath and he was kidding me on the head and putting kisses on the end of texts. I tried to tell him i needed to schedule an appointment and needed help with caring for our son as i couldn't do it all. I don't have any help from anyone when it comes to childcare. Yesterday he was fine on the way to work (ish) then throughout the afternoon he was texting me stuff about it being my fault as his responsibility of putting his family first has made him trapped. This completely gutted me and i said i wasn't going to force him to be with me if he didn't want to be. He didn't contact me again. He didn't come home from work and his phone was off. I've not heard from him all day, he usually calls or texts to see how our boy has done at nursery. I haven't text him either because I don't see why i should be running around after him when he has no interest in us anymore. I am completely stuck. Im pregnant with no finances of my own and I don't know what to do. I have absolutely no one in this world i can turn to anymore.

OP posts:
TamarindCove · 19/09/2019 17:36

Did he actually make it to work yesterday and today?

I understand his actions have floored you but as you’re concerned for his mental health have you managed to establish he’s safe?

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 19/09/2019 17:39

I can't contact him at all. He once checked into a motel thing when he was having family problems without telling me and we worked through it. I imagine he has done this but i don't know as his phone is off.

OP posts:
TamarindCove · 19/09/2019 17:47

Can you call his work?

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 19/09/2019 17:50

There is no one there now. If he's not been in they would have called the house phone. I am pretty sure he's been there or booked the day off

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 19/09/2019 17:51

I'm sorry to ask this, but did anyone leave his work recently? Resigned and went to another job or transferred to another department? Or was there someone he mentioned a fair bit then stopped mentioning?

PicsInRed · 19/09/2019 17:53

Also, do you have a joint bank account? Do you own your home or rent and whose name is the house or rental agreement in?

PicsInRed · 19/09/2019 17:55

Do you presently claim child benefit in your own name? If separated from your partner, are you eligible for universal credit (assets and income wise)?

squee123 · 19/09/2019 17:58

I think you need to establish he is safe and well as a first step

rvby · 19/09/2019 18:08

OP, his safety isnt your responsibility so I disagree with posts saying locating him or checking on him should be your focus. Hes made himself unavailable and that's his choice.

I'm really sorry hes done this. It sounds terrifying and confusing. My heart goes out to you.

I know this is horrible to think about but you have a child and are pregnant, so you need to think of that first.

It sounds like he doesn't want this pregnancy or another child. That's his call.

What do YOU want, if hes not in the picture. Do you want to be a single mum of two? You say you've little support with just the one, and he has AS as well. Would you be excited to parent two kids solo?

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 19/09/2019 18:13

I have text his phone but other than that I can't do that untill the morning and call his work. People are always moving around at his job and leaving. He never really mentioned anyone from work but did say he didnt feel like he fitted in as he was getting overlooked for promotion all the time. There isnt even back up people i can call because there isn't anyone. There is only his grandmother who never answers the phone and i doubt he has gone there.....We have a joint bank account and we don't claim any benefits. He has his own credit card.... I haven't had a reply from the text i sent

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 19/09/2019 18:18

Is there cash in that joint account?
Do you have your own bank account, to which he doesnt have access?

Please put in an application for child benefit immediately. Financial support generally runs on from whichever parent is in receipt of child benefit and you dont want him to get in first. If you apply and find that he is already in receipt of it, ask for this to be reviewed on the basis that you are the primary caregiver.

ChangeOfTides · 19/09/2019 18:18

Can you check whether he’s spent any money from the joint account? And transfer yourself some money from it in case he locks you out off it? Also arrange to have child benefit paid into your own account.

TBH it sounds like he’s having an affair.

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 19/09/2019 18:21

My doubts for having a second child were because I had a terrible time first time around. I had terrible sickness all the way through and was tired all the time, by the time i was 8 months pregnant i had pain in my hips so bad i could barely walk and this continued for a few months after. I also had pre-eclampsia so with all this and having a toddler with challenging behaviour, appointments, nursery its just not ideal plus the worries of other complications due to my age. On the other hand i think if it would be good for my son to have a sibling.... Its just trying to weigh it all up when everything is in such a negative space

OP posts:
Original poster
MedusaMomma · 19/09/2019 18:24

I know he wouldn't take money from us. If it was an affair i dont know when it would have started because he has always been so devoted to us. He spends all of his spare time with us and always calls on breaks from work. He isnt a devious person in anyway and i couldn't imagine him taking money from us. If he uses money its usually from his credit card which6i can't check

OP posts:
category12 · 19/09/2019 18:25

I'd be concerned there's another woman - the sudden change in behaviour etc.

rvby · 19/09/2019 18:26

Do you want to be a single mum of two kids? You are more likely to have more complications now, but beyond that, does a solo parent situation where you have a small child with AS plus a newborn sound like something you want to do.

No child needs a sibling so I wouldn't bring that into the equation. Some kids suffer from having a sibling, others have increases quality of life, you can't predict it so I wouldn't use it as a measure.

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 19/09/2019 18:26

Ok so his phone is on now but ringing out so that means he is safe just avoiding me

OP posts:
ShimmeryShiny · 19/09/2019 18:28

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I hope you hear from him soon

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 19/09/2019 18:30

I agree as me and my siblings have never got on. I just like things the way they were. I do find it a stretch having such a bundle of energy with my little one. Its just a nightmare..... And as for another woman, I don't know how that would have happened when he doesn't even go out without me he was such a devoted family man.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 19/09/2019 18:36

He goes to work without you. They find time. So many very busy family men find time.

I would urge you to move that money over to your own bank account.

Are you renting? Is the rental in joint names?

You must force yourself to address cold practicalities now as you have possibly 2 children to support - and that looks likely to be down to you to deal with. Flowers

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 19/09/2019 18:56

I hear you but i don't think that's the case. I have used my current account today and all is well and the savings account is in my name. I just want to vent and get to the bottom of it all before I start to syphon off money which I doubt I will need to. If it is the end of our relationship my only real concern is my son.

OP posts:
sleepynewmumxo · 19/09/2019 19:13

Don't be fooled into thinking they don't have time. Took my husband 15 minutes to cheat on me.

vanillaicedtea · 19/09/2019 19:30

From reading your OP, I wouldn't have jumped to the conclusion he was having an affair. I'd be more inclined to think perhaps something has happened in work, which has in turn brought on depression, perhaps? Did he ever mention to you why he started hating his job? Maybe something has happened and he's been disciplined, or demoted, and he's not told you about it. It would explain why he was so sensitive about providing for his family (less money to do so and already feeling under stress in his job). Maybe the combination of that and you falling pregnant has led him to slip into depression. I don't want to go around diagnosing people from a post on the internet, though. But it's a potential reason which isn't him having an affair.

OP, I can understand you're understandably very hurt, but I think the best thing you can do is find out where he is and get him to come home to talk things through. You aren't going to get anywhere if you can't talk to him. Make sure he's safe, talk it out, encourage him to be honest and hopefully it'll end up being a situation where he hasn't cheated and just needed to open up rather than coping with everything on his own.

I hope you can work it out and it doesn't end up being a sinister reason behind it all, I really do. x

MissPepper8 · 19/09/2019 19:32

@sleepynewmumxo

Thats not something she needs to hear! Also not all men are the same. Not helpful at all.

Op, I'm so sorry this is going on with the stresses of finding out you are pregnant, my heart goes out to you. I just found out recently, I was shocked and DH wanted this baby more than me (I suffered bad with sickness too) but well manage and I've come round to the idea with a toddler now.

It sounds like husband is really struggling, sometimes people (especially men) put on a happy face when they are struggling inside and this might of tipped him a little with the worry of what you are going to do.

I think you need to sit down and really think about this baby, he cannot blame you for a termination or getting pregnant. It takes two to make a baby.

Hopefully he just needs space, I really think he needs help though. Men really do put on a brave face, work stress and constantly getting passed by for promotions could of really got to him.

Give him to the weekend, then text him you are concerned for him and want him home x

Leftielefterson · 19/09/2019 19:43

Sending you a virtual hug OP. I’ve been there. I don’t want to get your hopes up but my ex did come back and come to his senses. Maybe he needs time? It’s inexcusable behaviour though really.