My husband left me.

[bright986]

I guess i want to hear from anyone who has been through something similar and from people that have come out the other side.

It's been almost two weeks since my husband left me.

So I have been with my husband 7 years and married for 5. We were so in love to being with (as i'm sure most people are) We were renting and took about a year to find somewhere to buy together (our first proper home together) So we have lived in this house for just under two years now.

We have had bad arguments in the past, he would give me the silent treatment during said arguments and we would both say things we didn't mean to each other. But when things were good they were good.

We started finding it hard to cope financially and so I started working a second job and he did overtime when he could. We hadn't been spending much time together and never really went anywhere together because of money.

What I didn't notice was just how much we were growing apart, I mean i kind of did but just thought that that's what happens in a marriage and it's normal to just live and be grateful for the time we do spend together. I wish I would have taken more notice though as he was falling out of love with me but didn't tell me this until it was too late.

Looking back at the past few months, I remember him constantly being on his phone, going off to the toilet for long periods of time...I even heard his phone ring in the toilet and he quickly ended the call. He stopped taking an interest in my life and didn't tell me about his anymore. He started drinking protein shakes and did tell me that he wanted to start working out more. I went to kiss him and he pulled away and looked disgusted. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was 'just tired. He stopped showing any interest in me in the bedroom and I knew things were wrong but I ignored the signs for so long and he didn't tell me anything was wrong, so when I did talk to him and ask him what was wrong he said he didn't think he loved me anymore and wanted to leave.

He left me and seemed very happy about it like he was suddenly free.

I was left heartbroken, shocked, in disbelief. I never thought he would leave me! I thought he loved me and always talked about how lucky he was to be with me. He assures me that he wasn't cheating but my intuition tells me otherwise. He is now acting as though everything we had together meant nothing to him.

I have been an absolute mess. Crying, feeling liked i've been booted in the stomach, aching with pain, not eating, sleeping or able to concentrate on anything. I look around the house and see everything we made together and it's like being shot in the chest, I miss him so much.

We don't have any children together which is a blessing. I'm trying to get used the fact that he's never coming back but it's so hard. He said we are too different. We are both in our late 30's and my friends tell me he's having a midlife crisis.I just don't know what to think...Is he cheating, is he having a mid life crisis, did he just fall out of love with me, will he regret it, will he come back. There are so many questions and he won't talk to me.

I made the mistake of texting him almost begging him to come back but he won't and even told me to stop texting and go to sleep because I'm being crazy.

Now its been almost two weeks and while the questions are still in my mind I am getting stronger everyday, I'm able to sleep and eat more (even though it's still not enough) I think i'm coming to terms with things but then sometimes I feel i'm back at day one, it's the hardest thing i've every had to deal with and i've been through some bad times in my life.

I've read online that people take years to get over divorce and breakups and thats hard to hear because it makes me want to fast forward time.

I am not sure how I will ever be able to trust another man in the future because I never though he would do that to me, he wasn't just my husband but my best friend.
Any advice would be welcome. Thank you for reading.

Really sorry you’re going through this awful time

I have no idea how long it takes to get over a marriage break up but my suggestion would be to stop messaging him and try concentrate on yourself. If you are confident it’s over then I wouldn’t try and fight for it because he sounds like he won’t have it.

Phone up your friends and have them come round and support you have some wine and a take away and talk, cry, shout , it will release some of the tension you have.

I’d be thinking about getting different items in the house at some point too so it’s not like you’ll be sitting on the sofa you bought together and it might make you feel a bit better, out with the old and all that.

I'm not sure how long it take either I'm afraid but I know I still struggle some days and my 10 year relationship ended a year ago. On the plus side the days I'm struggling get fewer and fewer and actually my confidence has grown a lot since. I'm now 30 and realised that dating is so much better in your 30's as you've had meaningful relationships and don't waste your time on losers. Please take time to look after yourself, pamper yourself and slowly start going out with the "girls". ❤❤

Yeah I stopped texting him. I'm trying to get used to the idea it's over but people have told me that sometimes men regret it and want to come back. I'm not sure if I could ever forgive him for putting me through this much pain though.

Yeah once my finances are sorted out I will buy some new things for the house.

Your instinct sounds bang on the money.

The best thing I did was go to the doctor. They have a treatment protocol for profound shocks like this. The medication I received enabled me to eat and sleep again...which in turn allowed me a clear head to plan and deal with practical matters. It was still painful, I still cried, processed the grief, but with a full stomach and a good night's sleep. I cant emphasise enough how important that is.

Block him - recovery begins in earnest with emotional separation. He'll be loving feeling like 2 women are fighting for him. Drop the rope. Focus on you. Hire a good solicitor. Remain in the house as you then have more control over viewings if you want it sold quickly.

It takes some a long time to recover, but I felt "normal" again after 3 months. Medication, a job and staying surrounded by people (even strangers) helps a great deal. Don't wallow about the house. Shower, dress, and get outside. Happiness will follow again with time.

is he having a mid life crisis, did he just fall out of love with me, will he regret it, will he come back

Yes he is having a midlife crisis - that involves being a liar and a cheat. It's so fucking cliche it's laughable (but not!)

No he did not fall out of love with you - he had his head turned and fell for someone else leaving you behind to wonder what the fuck went wrong.

He may regret it - the grass isn't always greener. My ExH came grovelling back - I told him to fuck off.

If it doesn't work out with the OW and he comes grovelling back and you allow him to then yes, he might come back.

But have more pride in yourself than that.
You will be his fall back girl from now on.
Don't allow that to happen.

This will all take time.
He will lie.
He will and already is re-writing history.
It's all done to make it so that he doesn't look like the bad guy.
So he can justify his shitty behaviour.
Don't believe a word he says any more.
It's all lies!

Do not listen to people telling you he will regret it and come back.
He may well regret it when he realises that living with your affair partner is not all it's cracked up to be. Real life sets in and they realise that's it's the same shit just with a different person.
The excitement fades.
But do not wait in the wings for him to choose you.
Do NOT do the 'pick me' dance.

You need to come across right now as strong and independent.
Fake it 'til you make it as we say on here.
There is no need at all to contact him.
So block him on everything. All social media, all apps, phone, text, messenger, email. You need some proper space now to get your head sorted out and that will take time.

I'm glad you are starting to feel stronger but this is still very very early days OP.
You will take one step forward and then 2 steps back.

Lean as much as you can on family on friends.
I would not have got through my break-ups without mine!

I went to the doctors and they signed me off work which has been great as i've been able to sort out my finances and practical stuff and i've been relaxing (trying to) I've been seeing loads of family and friends which helps but its when i'm alone that it hits me.

I wished I didn't love him so much as that would help.

I hear you OP.
I used to curl up in a ball and cry for hours on end.
Just when you think there cannot possibly be any more tears - they come again.
But I can promise you that this will get better.
Not yet though so don't expect miracles.
You won't just suddenly be 'over' all of this.
The crying will become less - then less often - then you'll have a day of not crying at all. etc.....

I'm glad you are getting finances sorted out.
Do it as quickly as possible.
Their guilt phase doesn't last long.
It doesn't take long for the OW to start her poison.
So get in there quick with what you want.

Hellsbellsmelons

Your reply made me smile.

I know I am worth more than how he has treated me.

I have imagined him coming back and me telling him to do one! That would make me feel so good right now because at the moment he has all the power and knows he has hurt me and it's like he's loving that.

So yes I would like to be in control and for it to be my decision because right now he has decided what has happened to my future and I'm determined to make it better without him in it.

It just really bloody hurts to know your life can be so flipped upside down and its like I'm standing there watching it all crash down and there's nothing i can do about it.

But the thing is we own the house together. I want to keep the house and he said that's fine. I will take over mortgage payments and get it transferred to my name but i'm worried because in a divorce couldn't he claim half my house? I don't think he would his parents are loaded and can help him but just another thing to worry about as I can't divorce him quickly.

I’ve been where you are. Married, with the same guy for ten years, all of my twenties. I think we’d grown apart actually, and he lied and said there was no one else, but I knew there was and of course I was right. He’d gaslit and gaslit each time I confronted him, until I honestly thought I was having a breakdown.

It was an ‘interesting’ time too, as this is when I realised my family had no idea how to support someone in this situation, or basically any situation really and that the few friends I had were also unsupportive. I was surrounded by fair weather people, who took and couldn’t give.

But...it has taught me to rely on myself, and eventually I have found better friends. I’ve transformed my life - got a good job, nice place to live, decent friends, regular exercise. I struggle to trust still, so relationships are a challenge, and I tend to resist them, if I’m honest. But it’ll happen one day soon, and I’m happy.

PM if you need to.

I'm about 2 months on from a nasty breakup.
It hurts.

You need to make that all part of the divorce.
Do not divorce until all of this is writing and agreed as final settlement.
Can you get mortgage in your name only for the mortgage amount?
He may have a claim on the equity if you don't get paperwork in place quickly.
I stayed in the house.
But I must admit, when I moved it was a relief.
A brand new start in my own house with no memories of him at all.
So think it all through very carefully.
It took my ExH nearly a year before he decided that I was the right woman for him. Not a fucking chance love - do one!!!

So can I get something legal in writing before the divorce?

Its funny because I went on insta today, i never used to bother with it but thought id get back on it and keep in touch with friends and posted a nice pic of my recent weight loss.

He was following me on insta and i've just checked again now and hes unfollowed me.

I know thats not really a big deal but now im asking myself all these questions again and I hate myself for it...I'm thinking did he unfollow me because he doesn't want his new girl to see he's still following me, did he do it because I repulse him, did he do it because he is in pain from leaving me and seeing me looking so good made him feel sad?

I know im an emotional mess right now but its good to say what im actually thinking.

I get knocked down,,,,, I'm sorry you didn't have anyone there to support you through that,,, must of been horrible but glad you are stronger now...its the worst feeling in the world.

You should really have the financial settlement set out in writing to obtain the divorce.
You should not get the decree absolute until all finances are sorted out.
The courts do do that but they would much rather have everything sorted out before granting it.
Get some good legal advice.

You need to formalise finances and put it before a judge for a consent order. Don't divorce without the consent order.

He may be more willing to negotiate and settle quickly in order to finalise the divorce.

You need to gather all thoughts along the lines of did he do it because he is in pain from leaving me and seeing me looking so good made him feel sad and boot them firmly out of your head.

No no and more no.

Do not excuse him, do not feel for him. (My XH found my concern for him very irritating!!) He's made his choice. He was stupid enough to lose you, but what he has done has hurt you so much you want to just curl up and die.

Everything has changed. The consequences for him must be no easy passes for his behaviour any more. Understanding his POV is overrated in this scenario. Hard as it is, you must now learn to put yourself first. (This gets easier.)

You won't always feel like this, you WILL feel better. Let yourself go through the bad times when it all feels impossible and overwhelming and you will learn that they are part of the healing process so will pass and you will come out of the other side and experience longer and longer periods of time when things feel calmer again.

He has proved himself not good enough for you by his actions, and frankly, if you do anything other than just let him go then the feelings you are going through now will just be more of the same up and down and strung out for years but things can never be the same again I'm afraid. You know this.

There's a reason why they say that the ones whose husbands never come back are the lucky ones. Let him go, live your life and what will be, will be. So many of us understand what you are going through, and I am sorry not to have a happier message for you. Keep posting if it helps.

You sound stronger than you think.

Big hugs xxxxx

There's a reason why they say that the ones whose husbands never come back are the lucky ones.

this

It doesn’t feel like it now, and I’m so sorry for all of the pain you’re going through. But it will one day.

First of all hugs, you are not alone. Why it happened and whether there's someone else is not important now, what you need to do is put yourself first and work out where you want to go from here. It doesn't have to take years, 6 months on from my h announcing he wanted out I'm off on my first date on Saturday, scary considering the last time I dated phones were the size of bricks and we had no internet! I don't know of course if this will work but I won't know if I don't try

He doesn't hold all the cards.

Now that he has a new squeeze he will probably want to divorce as quickly as possible. Everything he "wants" you counteract with something you want off him. Don't give him anything with one hand with out taking anything back with the other. You owe him nothing. Get as much out of him as you can. Screw this 50/50 bullshit you hear on here. Take advantage of this time when he may feel guilty but is totally going for what he wants and wants it over quickly.

In a couple of months you will see that he has actually done you a favour. I know so many people whose DP left them for someone else and treated them like shit. A little down the line they are with new partners who treat them like gold. One of my friends wives left him for someone. She was nothing special. My friend was devastated. A year later he met and married someone who is absolutely gorgeous and thinks he is great. He actually told me that if his wife had never left him, he wouldn't have met XXXX. Meanwhile his ex is unhappy and her life is a mess.

It can take years to get over a significant relationship; it took me years to get over my 5 year relationship.

But I promise you, once you get to the other side you will wonder what you ever saw in him.

Btw the protein shakes and working out were to look good to other women. Even if you weren’t working all the time, he would still have done it.

His behaviour sounds exactly like my ex.

Fast forward a decade later, he’s still driving the same shitty car, he left the female he dated after me (she had two children with) and is dating someone who looks like his mother.

It hurts now, I know it does. But I know you can get through this. You will find someone else. My friends told me this and I didn’t believe them, but I met someone in my late 30’s and thought it would never happen.

ts funny because I went on insta today, i never used to bother with it but thought id get back on it and keep in touch with friends and posted a nice pic of my recent weight loss

Really???

Firstly OP you are incredibly brave and even from your responses it's clear you are on the road to gaining clarity and acceptance of the situation.

I too have had the rug pulled from under me and it can make you question your judgement and perception when you're blind sighted by a b*ard however I agree with all the other responses in that it does get easier, with the occasional day 1 flashback.

To Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain
I could have written your post as it's almost identical to what I went through and I'm so glad I have learnt from my experience... how to prepare myself to deal with the unpredictability of life and make me the priority in my own life whether I'm in a relationship or not.

I can totally understand how you feel. I am going through something similar myself. I have been with my partner for 15 years. I absolutely adored him the first time I laid eyes on him and it had always been that way. We have a wonderful little boy who is autistic and we both just love him so much. In August we were on holiday and it was amazing. He told me how much he loved his family and how he wished he could spend all his time with us. When he went back to work he seemed to change. He was snappy and nothing was going his way. I tried my hardest to listen so he could unburden and he continued to tell me how much he loved our family and it was the only thing that has kept him going. He said he wanted to look for another job and i agreed. We even talked about getting married. Then it all went wrong. I found out I was pregnant. We both didn't want another child for various reasons but he blames me for being pregnant. I am a stay at home mom and he has basically said that he is sick of carrying me. Our son has only just gone into p/t nursery. I have no family to help me so my life has been our boy. He doesn't want me to have the baby but also blames me if I get a termination. I cant even book an Appointment because I have no one to take care of my son. Yesterday he didn't come home from work and his phone was off. Ive given up trying it and i have not texted him. Ive heard nothing at all and i do not know what to do next. I don't think he is cheating because he spends all his time with us. I just feel in shock and alone.

Penelope
I believe everything happens for a reason. Might sound sappy to some, but it’s brought me a lot of comfort to believe that!