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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He’s been lying!

51 replies

Tonimariexx · 19/09/2019 12:39

Hi guys this is my first post.

Right I been with my OH for 8 years since I was 15, we have 2 kids. Last week I asked him to use his phone to ring the doctors, when I opened browser to get the number a private tab was open and he was looking at porn pictures... now I have in the past said if anything we can watch it together however he got moody and said why would we need that kind of rubbish and why would I want to look at other men... fair point I wouldn’t but I just thought I’d rather know about it than him doing it behind my back, so I thought I had nothing to worry about. Untill I saw it on his phone... I asked him what the f* he was looking at it for and he came up with some story he lent his phone to someone at work who he doesn’t know, which is a lie! He has photos of me on his phone with nothing on, I know he wouldn’t let some random person on his phone and I’m quite sure somebody wouldn’t use somebody else’s phone to look at that kind of thing 😂 so he hasn’t admitted it at all...I wouldn’t of minded but it’s not like I don’t give him sex I’m always jumping on him and sometimes he turns me down! I then looked in his advanced website data because obviously there was nothing in his history because it doesn’t log in your history on a private tab which showed he’s also been on Facebook ALOT! Now none of us have Facebook mainly down to his issues not mine, I’m not allowed it at all so why the hell has he got a profile??? He said it’s a secret profile to check if I am on there 🙄 however I asked him to log in and he wouldn’t, he smashed up his phone instead probably before I seen something else on there!!!

This probably seems minor to some people I just don’t think I can trust or believe a word he says anymore. It’s not just this it’s a number of things he’s always accusing me of cheating and doing things which I’m not, he disappears off out, he’s secretive on his phone and he was on a private tab!! What else is he hiding, I just don’t think I can be with somebody who lies and for all I know could be out there cheating on me. 8 years is a long time to throw our relationship away but I just don’t think I can move past it.

Am I being stupid? I haven’t spoken about it to him again as he just kicks off at me if there’s ever any issue so I just can’t be bothered with the big argument when it will all get turned around onto me being a cheat and a liar lol...

OP posts:

MisunderstoodMaleficent · 19/09/2019 12:42

He’s a controlling liar who thinks you should be held to different, higher standards than him and ‘kicks off’ at you, turning everything around to be your fault. I wouldn’t be able to move past it and would start planning my escape. I hope it all turns out well for you whatever you decide is best for you and I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with it

Walnutwhipster · 19/09/2019 12:44

The part where you're not ALLOWED Facebook would be enough for me. I've been married almost 25 years but I would never let any man tell me what I can and cannot do.

DickKerrLadies · 19/09/2019 12:44

Now none of us have Facebook mainly down to his issues not mine, I’m not allowed it at all so why the hell has he got a profile??? He said it’s a secret profile to check if I am on there

This doesn't seem minor to me.

You're 'not allowed' to be on Facebook?

Littlechocola · 19/09/2019 12:46

He smashed his phone so you couldn’t see what he’s been doing? You’re not overreacting.

He has trust issues because he can’t be trusted himself.

EastCoastDamsel · 19/09/2019 12:49

Get out! www.womensaid.ie/help/warningsigns.html

Windydaysuponus · 19/09/2019 12:49

I would get sti checked.
He is a lying toad.

cinnamonbun · 19/09/2019 12:52

Sorry but I think the porn is the least of your worries

hellsbellsmelons · 19/09/2019 12:54

I’m not allowed it at all so why the hell has he got a profile???
Wow - and you stand for this kind of crap.
If you want a facebook profile WTF can't you have one?
That is very controlling.

he’s always accusing me of cheating
Projection and judging you by his own standards.

Smashing up his phone is a major red flag.
He's cheating.
All the signs are there OP.
So what for you now?

He's a liar and a cheat.
Sorry this is happening to you but you now need to decide what you want for the rest of your life.
Live with a cheat who you can't trust or find a nice new life for yourself away from control.
I know which I'd choose.
But this is you and your life.

Do you have any friends or family you can discuss this with?
Someone who won't judge you no matter what you decide to do.

MrsXx4 · 19/09/2019 12:58

This is so far from minor!!! You sound brainwashed by him and think this is normal! It isn’t and it’s scary!

He is a controlling liar and he is definitely cheating!

You need real life support, you need to speak with someone and make plans to leave him.

Peachy95 · 19/09/2019 13:09

It is not okay that he has told you that you can't have facebook or that he has one to "check you aren't on it". He seems really controlling, this is not a minor situation and you are right not to trust him.

Bluntness100 · 19/09/2019 13:11

The porn would be irrelevant to me, but the secret face book profile and smashing his phone is a big deal. Can't fathom why you led with the porn in this story.

sheshootssheimplores · 19/09/2019 13:14

You think this will seem minor to us???!! Err no, this seems anything other than minor.

He is controlling and I’m sure if we dig a little deeper with you he will also be exhibiting abusive behaviour. He is also gaslighting and manipulative and we’ll throw in a liar too. He would rather smash up god phone than allow you to access it. So I’m going to guess he might have something to hide

Bodear · 19/09/2019 13:14

This is not minor OP. Far from it.

loveyoutothemoon · 19/09/2019 13:14

The not being allowed Facebook thing would have made me run a long time ago!

blackcat86 · 19/09/2019 13:18

This isnt minor at all. He's an abusive, controlling twat. In this day and age most people who want to have Facebook and I certainly wouldn't be with someone who thought they could forbid me from doing something perfectly normal. Why are you with him?

KUGA · 19/09/2019 13:19

He is a blatant liar and as for you not being allowed on facebook I would tell him to fork right off and do it anyway just to ps him off.
You can`t live like that get rid and get tested.

chickenyhead · 19/09/2019 13:20

This relationship is poisonous.

Cant have facebook?

Smashing his phone?

Errrrrr I really don't know where to begin...

How old was he when you got together with him at 15?

Juells · 19/09/2019 13:27

This probably seems minor to some people

No, it would seem major to most people. The only reason you don't see how controlling it is, is because you've been with him since you were a child.

Get a STI test, and think about how you might break away and leave.

simplekindoflife · 19/09/2019 13:31

Definitely not minor, at all!

Secretly looking at porn, lying about it, secret Facebook profile, smashing up his fone (wtf?!) rather than just let you look at it to prove his innocence... and he's angry at you?!

I'd run for hills!

Does he do anything else? Does he try to control you in other ways? What you wear? Who you speak to? Where you go? Do your friends and family like him? Is he older than you?

ThatCurlyGirl · 19/09/2019 13:36

Ah the old double standards comment. My ex (who cheated on me and lied a LOT) joined tinder while we were together but going through a difficult time.

When he was rumbled (Friend saw him) he said it was just to help with his confidence as me earning more than him was emasculating. Apparently paying the rent and all bills means you are going to get cheated on eh? Dick.

The same ex saw me on tinder a couple of months after we split up and said it was heartless for me to have joined / gotten over him. When we weren't together any more.

Nut. Job.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 19/09/2019 13:38

He doesn't get to say what you can and can't do.

He is a liar, and his violent reaction (smashing up the phone) when he got caught is very telling.

Chuck him out if you can - this isn't minor, and I'm quite confident that if you split up now, in a years time you'll be wondering how you ever put up with all his shit - and I'll bet if you keep telling us about the relationship, you'll find it's a lot worse than you realise right now.

sallievp · 19/09/2019 14:11

He is a bullying disgusting controlling liar. Please think very carefully about continuing this relationship...you are only early twenties...you have your whole life ahead of you!

Hooferdoofer37 · 19/09/2019 14:31

Is he older than you OP?

Because there's a name for men who go for children as their sexual partners (which at 15 you were).

Normally, men who want children (sexually) like youngsters as they have power over them, as your partner is asserting here. Telling you that you can't go on Facebook etc.

He wants to manipulate & control you and you can't see this because he's been molding/grooming you since you were a child to be the kind of partner he wants.

The good thing is (though you may not see it as good at the moment) he's probably trying to find your successor. At 23 you're probably getting a bit old for him & he's probably using social media (& keeping you off it) to help him find a young & equally niaive girl to take your place.

Leave this relationship, it's not a healthy one. It reminds me of the commanders & their child brides in Gilead.

Don't let your DC grow up in that environment thinking that's how relationships work, because whilst many unfortunately are, they shouldn't be and I'm sure you wouldn't want your DC to have a dictator for a "partner".

olivetreelane · 19/09/2019 15:02

I think you'll find if you got into that FB account is a lot more to worry about than porn use!

Disappearing off and secretive with his phone

perpetuallyperplexedbylife · 19/09/2019 16:30

He's cheating, I'd bet my house on it.

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