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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s been lying!

51 replies

Tonimariexx · 19/09/2019 12:39

Hi guys this is my first post.

Right I been with my OH for 8 years since I was 15, we have 2 kids. Last week I asked him to use his phone to ring the doctors, when I opened browser to get the number a private tab was open and he was looking at porn pictures... now I have in the past said if anything we can watch it together however he got moody and said why would we need that kind of rubbish and why would I want to look at other men... fair point I wouldn’t but I just thought I’d rather know about it than him doing it behind my back, so I thought I had nothing to worry about. Untill I saw it on his phone... I asked him what the f* he was looking at it for and he came up with some story he lent his phone to someone at work who he doesn’t know, which is a lie! He has photos of me on his phone with nothing on, I know he wouldn’t let some random person on his phone and I’m quite sure somebody wouldn’t use somebody else’s phone to look at that kind of thing 😂 so he hasn’t admitted it at all...I wouldn’t of minded but it’s not like I don’t give him sex I’m always jumping on him and sometimes he turns me down! I then looked in his advanced website data because obviously there was nothing in his history because it doesn’t log in your history on a private tab which showed he’s also been on Facebook ALOT! Now none of us have Facebook mainly down to his issues not mine, I’m not allowed it at all so why the hell has he got a profile??? He said it’s a secret profile to check if I am on there 🙄 however I asked him to log in and he wouldn’t, he smashed up his phone instead probably before I seen something else on there!!!

This probably seems minor to some people I just don’t think I can trust or believe a word he says anymore. It’s not just this it’s a number of things he’s always accusing me of cheating and doing things which I’m not, he disappears off out, he’s secretive on his phone and he was on a private tab!! What else is he hiding, I just don’t think I can be with somebody who lies and for all I know could be out there cheating on me. 8 years is a long time to throw our relationship away but I just don’t think I can move past it.

Am I being stupid? I haven’t spoken about it to him again as he just kicks off at me if there’s ever any issue so I just can’t be bothered with the big argument when it will all get turned around onto me being a cheat and a liar lol...

OP posts:
CarysRed · 19/09/2019 16:36

This isn’t minor OP, he’s being abusive.

CodenameVillanelle · 19/09/2019 16:38

You've been groomed into an abusive relationship. How old is he?
You need to get out of this relationship. If not now, soon.

Original poster
Tonimariexx · 19/09/2019 16:49

Wow the support here is unreal, me not having Facebook isn’t really an issue for me the issue is he has a ‘secret profile’ and as a lot of you have said he smashed his phone before I had chance to see anything else on there. He was 17 when we got together so only 2 years older but yeah we have issues, I don’t really have nobody to talk to about it mainly because of him aswell😂 god if this was someone else’s post I would be saying leave but it’s just so hard when it’s actually you in the situation. Thanks for your comments guys I will sort something out, he’s not the kind of person I can just kick out he will not go and will just kick off and take my phone so not worth the hassle in the short term but will think about sorting something long term

OP posts:
AnastasiaBeverleyHills · 19/09/2019 17:00

@Tonimariexx

Please call womens aid.

Pack a bag and keep it somewhere he doesn't know about.

Have somewhere you can go to in a hurry, be it a friend or family member or a hostel. Somewhere he doesn't know about and someone you trust not to tell him

Know here your car keys are at all times, keep a spare if you can, somewhere he doesn't know about. If you don't have a key keep a taxi number to call and know where the closest phone is you can use (in case he takes yours as mentioned above)

This man is dangerous. I know you might think that's an over reaction but I am sure you have seen articles about coercive control and not even considered it. This is coercive control

He won't let you have facebook
He claims to have a secret profile to check up on you
He is jealous of you looking at other men
He smashed his phone rather than show you
You have no one to talk to because of him
He's "not the kind of person you can kick out"
He will take your phone

I know this is scary, but please please call womens aid and don't let him know. delete traces of the call from your phone afterwards

You have two children, please please get out. You are so young. He is very controlling and dangerous

chipsandgin · 19/09/2019 17:02

You don’t have friends ‘because of him’. He kicks off rather than talks when you have issues. You are ‘not allowed’ to have Facebook (‘not allowed btw is not something one adult can say to another adult..). Smashed his phone rather than show you what he’s is hiding. He disappears and is secretive. He’s paranoid, jealous, accuses you of cheating...

Not a nice man.
Not a good relationship.
You are in an abusive relationship with a nasty controlling man.

What would you do if one of your children ended up with someone like him? Because they are quite likely to if this is the behaviour they are modelled on, that or they become him.

Maybe start by speaking to women’s aid & go from there, but please get help and get out Flowers

IceQueenCometh · 19/09/2019 17:03

OP, this is only going to get worse. So many of us sadly have been in just this place and we speak from experience. Make plans to leave and get out of that relationship, for your sake and for your DCs. You have your whole life ahead of you, don't let him ruin it any more than he already has.

My other advice would be to make sure you and DCs are physically protected when you leave. He sounds like the kind of man who will become extremely nasty (but I think you know that)

Original poster
Tonimariexx · 19/09/2019 17:35

Unfortunately I know each and everyone of you are right in what you are saying. He’s just come back from work he’s had his phone fixed got a right bad attitude on him sat there texting like he’s done eff all... I just wish I had somewhere to go, I’ve tried to leave before I contacted a place called haven but they had no space for me and the kids so I just stayed but I just feel so alone and like it’s my fault. If it weren’t for the sake of my kids god knows I’d probably of topped myself by now putting up with this crap and listening to his family stick up for him and make excuses for the things he’s done to me in the past. Thanks for your kind messages it’s so much easier to speak to people you don’t know 💞

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 19/09/2019 17:36

Oh OP what a nightmare.

Keep yourself safe and make a rock solid escape plan. You will need it.

You are worth so much more than this Flowers

AnastasiaBeverleyHills · 19/09/2019 17:38

I just feel so alone and like it’s my fault

It's NOT your fault!

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT

HE has done this to you. HE is the reason you feel it's your fault

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT

Original poster
Tonimariexx · 19/09/2019 17:41

He’s all I’ve ever known it’s just a big thing going from being with somebody to being a single mom I don’t feel like I have much support mainly because my mom passed away. I’ve been to the doctors but they just referred me to domestic violence helpline I am trying I just feel it’s more appropriate for him to leave however I know he won’t go without a fight first and to be honest I’m just tired of it all 😭

OP posts:
AnastasiaBeverleyHills · 19/09/2019 17:43

@Tonimariexx

Your poor thing. You must be exhausted from it all.

beethebee · 19/09/2019 17:46

Oh, OP.

Life is short and this is no way to live it. Being told what you are and aren't allowed to do. Being cheated on (because he is cheating, you know it). Feeling like the lesser part of what is supposed to be an equal partnership.

Call Women's Aid and get out. He's a total loser and you can be so much happier without him.

You can do it.

chickenyhead · 19/09/2019 17:50

Yup, I know that feeling.

If you can, please consider doing the freedom programme. You can self refer on the website. It will help you to keep safe and rebuild your confidence.

It is hard to imagine coping on your own when you are in that position, because every second of every day is a struggle.

But if you can survive 8 years of that shit, parenting 2 children alone will be so much easier. Plus you will have friends and a life.

I know that you cannot currently imagine this, but it is the truth from my experience.

Sending you strength x

Original poster
Tonimariexx · 19/09/2019 17:53

Thankyou so much all of you I’m going to seek help tomorrow to try and get myself out of this big mess.

I just keep trying to hold onto something that quite obviously isn’t there for him anymore but it was quite obvious when I asked about marriage he shut it down, why do men have to be this way. Never satisfied with what they have at home always thinking the grass is greener. Makes me so angry but so sad at the same time. Xx

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 19/09/2019 18:08

Because he views you as a possession rather than a human being. He owns you so you don't pose a challenge.

Not all men are like this. But many abusive men are.

Even if he wasn't cheating, which he will try to convince you of if he fears that you might actually escape, he means you harm. He is dangerous.

He will go through stages to try to control you, from the aggressive bully you currently have, to the vulnerable suicidal victim, to Mr reasonable. He will try to make you feel guilty and will use your beliefs that your DC need and deserve a dad, to manipulate and control you.

You will hold on to the times he was reasonable or nice and minimise the horrific times because the poor man has anger issues because he was abused etc.

The real him is the aggressive bully, the other bits are simply him pretending to be someone else. No decent man would treat his partner that way. EVER

You have a rough ride ahead, but please please try not to fall for his multiple false personalities. Focus on the whole, not the nice bits

X

chickenyhead · 19/09/2019 18:09

My ex has threatened suicide so often that I don't even get my hopes up anymore

Haffiana · 19/09/2019 18:26

me not having Facebook isn’t really an issue for me the issue is he has a ‘secret profile’

No, the issue is him telling you whether you can have a Facebook or not. That is not for him to have any say about to any other adult in the world let alone his partner. The fact that he is a hypocritical lying scumbag who is probably looking to cheat is no surprise at all.

Seriously OP, the worst part is that he is being abusive and controlling to you and you still don't really see that. The lying and cheating is actually fuck all compared to the isolating and controlling, because it has messed with your head so bad you think it is OK.

When you have split up then you need to urgently enroll in the Freedom Programme. Otherwise you will end up with the same all over again.

Lillygolightly · 19/09/2019 18:33

Porn - not really much of an issue except to say if he gets to watch it, you do too!

Facebook - same as above, he can’t ban you from it, your an adult and free to make your own decisions on the matter. Him lying about having it all the while saying you can’t have it is disgusting controlling behaviour.

Accusing you you of cheating - this is him projecting his shitty behaviour on to you. He is a liar and a cheat and going by his own standards means you must be too.

Smashing his phone - big fat red flag to the fact he has stuff to hide, I’d bet good money on the fact he is far from faithful.

In short he is paranoid, controlling, abusive, a liar and a cheat.

The only thing this relationship should be is OVER!

chickenyhead · 19/09/2019 18:38

Smashing his phone isnt only an indication that he is hiding things. It is a threat. This is how he deals with things he owns.

AMAM8916 · 19/09/2019 18:41

Sounds like a ridiculous relationship to be honest. No one's allowed Facebook, no one's allowed to look at porn... sounds controlling all round and toxic

Miniloso · 19/09/2019 23:06

Are you ok OP?

Everafter1 · 19/09/2019 23:19

Wait! His cover story for the Facebook is so that he can keep tabs on you?! Isn't the cover story meant to be something more innocent?
Smashing the phone up is alarming. Except from the fact it probably is to hide something it's quite an aggressive move.

Original poster
Tonimariexx · 20/09/2019 08:34

Good morning yes I’m fine thankyou feel much better now I’ve had some advice from people who have been thru the same kind of thing. I live in hope that one day I’ll have ace the courage to leave 💕

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonimariexx · 20/09/2019 08:37

The cover story was total bullshit 😂 there is obviously a lot more to it but every time I try and ask about it, it turns into a big row and he just flys off the handle turns it into something totally off track usually me being the liar cheat slag... we live in hope we can change these kind of men but it’s never going’s to happen is it x

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 20/09/2019 10:07

Nope, this is him. This is not what you deserve.