Fed up of groundhog day asked for divorce and lost

[whatmind]

Hi all I just don't know what to do now and I'm so lost, I've so many questions and just feel wrung out.

I'll try to be non outing whist giving relevant info, it will be long i'm sorry but if I miss out something it's not because I'm trying to drip feed, I just have a bunch of thoughts fireworking away in my head and it's hard to keep track of it all.

The short version is my husband and I have been married a year together 9.
It's the age old story of We've had problems which with hindsight span the whole relationship and have over time become serious fundamental problems that are no longer fixable.
We shouldn't have married, I realise I made the classic mistake of thinking since I planned on being with this man forever because of his good points (I can list them he isn't a monster, just absent and thougtless and frankly unkind, now to me) and given he promised to address the simple, to my mind, hesitations I was having that going ahead with the wedding would work out a-ok.
We talked a lot about postponements etc, mainly me, and he convinced me everything would be lovely and work out just fine.

This evening I asked for a Divorce because I am fed up of repeating the same old patterns over and over again.

The long version:

I feel unheard, my emotional needs neglected, I still feel he is living life as a separate entity rather than a 30 something married man who apparently wants a mortgage and kids in the next few years.

I feel that all the things he said in the early days were just stuff and fluff that was never going to really happen, it was just a nice picture to talk endlessly about but never actually realise.

He is self employed and has a good work ethic mostly - recently due to me really kicking up a real fuss at the lack of action from him he took a lot of time off work but then when he started moaning about having no disposable cash we had a fairly no nonsense talk about if he was depressed he needed to seek help and I would be sympathetic but it didn't let him off the marriage hook, if not he must go back to work and stop whinging at me about a self made problem because he "couldn't be arsed going today" resulted in his lack of free flowing spending money. He is back to normal work ethic funnily enough.

He is very practical and more house proud than me at home but more untidy. So he's more likely to give the bathroom a clean than me but also my clutter is relatively contained whereas his spreads and apparently is breeding at an alarming rate.

I am not house proud and for the most part am happy with clutter, untidy is fine, dirty is not, but it really is at the point where even I admit it's oppressive and don't know where to start. I had a go at tackling some of it, while he was away for a day and it looked great, lasted 5 seconds after he was home and you'd never know I'd done it and it actually annoyed me! I have never in my life been annoyed over housework before!

Initially I was extremely attracted because of his laid back attitude and calm approach to life. Now the laid back and calm mainly feels like lazy - the dishes are done but he's doing that instead of with me during a family emergency and he and my lot get on great.

What I took for his natural stoicism and private nature, has turned out to really be a reluctance to share any information or discuss any thoughts that he may or may not be having.

E.G I found out he'd decided it was a done deal that we move to a particular area for his work by overhearing a conversation he was having with someone else!

It was the first I had heard of it, he didn't say in so many words but the way he was talking about it you would be forgiven for thinking I knew all about it.

The person he was talking to started talking to me about it and in my stunned panic I covered and acted like everything was normal and went nuts at DH later that he'd just drop a major life decision casually into conversation with someone not me without having properly talked about it with me.

I was open to moving and we had talked about a vague move in the future, no areas discussed just that we basically wouldn't stay here forever but that was years prior.

This is a major example but it can be very hard to have a partnership with someone who doesn't do what they say they want to do and doesn't discuss anything that they plan or actually do.

I really try to be reasonable, I'm not talking about he left his socks on the floor stuff but serious future stuff but I find every time I tell him something is wrong and I'm upset/worried/angry I then have to spend ages defending my feeling to him.

I've tried to make him understand why I'm feeling that way, explaining patiently at first but now almost 3 years on from our first major talk about how unhappy I was now I'm really mad we're still having the same stuff happen.

All the while his entire attitude either smacks of "I was wrong ok! There I apologised, you happy? Can we move on to something else and not dwell on this please?!" or
he tries to explain what he actually meant or
explains why he had thought xyz but just hadn't got round to doing/mentioning it, or
he gets defensive and angry and narrow focuses on the wrong thing or deflects and somehow we're talking about something else and not what I want to discuss.

Basically I feel he never really takes in anything or wants to take any responsibility.

He is very keen to brush things under the carpet and doesn't like to talk about problems in the hopes they will go away.

I feel disrespected now in that this has been a a growing problem for me in the last 2-3 years and nothing has changed at all.

There have been stupid white lies, big massive stonkers, gaslighting on a few occasions to various levels.

I'm embarrassed that there are now multiple instances where i have almost left and feel like I was talked around/down but have said that things have to change or I wouldn't stay.

I didn't follow through on leaving. He never follows through on any effort to change outwith the bear minimum for short periods,

I had a singular beatific moment of truthfulness out of him tonight. it was a serious physical sense of relief that I had a straight answer first go without any beating around the bush from him:

Quite a bit later after the Divorce was mentioned I said "the last 2 times this has happened ,I said was seriously considering a separation and then a divorce respectively over all these issues that have built up and I don't think you took me seriously did you?"
and he said "No I didn't"
It was weirdly relieving, but he instantly ruined that feeling by trying to backtrack by saying he hadn't understood the question. We clarified and he agreed that he hadn't misunderstood his answer stood.

I didn't separate for long but I thought it would kick him into realising I was serious, then when that didn't work I told him he had 6 months or I had to divorce.

We are 3 months in and no effort at all has been made, I can't keep going so tonight I lost my patience after yet another round of "I don't know what you want, I'm confused and not as smart as you" from him - I'm pissed off and simplifying in this last paragraph but he has a habit of making himself seem very woe is me as a defence.

I don't know how to label any of these things so it maybe comes over as not really a lot to some.
Individual incidents seem petty beyond measure when I say them out loud, but when they form a pattern of behaviour it becomes a big deal, but then you don't want to be the person who never forgets a wrong or keeps a score.

I have struggled to get the small number of my IRL F&F to understand what I mean when things happen because I can't name it other than "I don't know how to describe it, he's just... difficult... like he says one thing then another" makes it sound like any other change of preference or opinion but in reality you can never get a true baseline, he's forever changing about anything and what he can't wait to do today, tomorrow he's barely thought about that ever in his life.

I'm angry and done and know I need a solicitor and the fucking freedom program hung in front of my face but other than that WTF do I do?

I live in the country but can't afford to live here on my own, I'll have to move to the city as family all there but hate city life and to be honest would probably struggle to pay for anything solo there too.

I am currently unemployed as off sick with depression and stress so no funds to start over again even if I had somewhere to go.

Husband has money from before marriage and whilst legally I would possibly be entitled to some small amount of that I really don't feel that it is fair of me to take it so should I just leave with my own personal belongings and start from scratch?

We don't live in a hugely expensive part of the country but I am mid 30's, intelligent to a reasonable degree but not academic, unqualified, unskilled min wage worker.

I could train and expand my earning options but have no idea what on earth I would do!

My life plan has changed entirely and I am so angry at myself for getting into this position!

I had plans to cover myself if we ever had children together WRT pension, earning disparity over time because of childcare etc not because I planned to fail but that I know things don't always turn out how you want them to.

I had always batted away husbands offer of not working because I mainly would be bored off my chump and I know how vulnerable that would make me long term.

He stopped offering about 2 years into our relationship when I made it clear it wouldn't be happening all being well and everyone healthy.

Where do I go from here?

Also please don't get me wrong here I'm so angry at my husband too for neglecting me for so long, I think it comes across as me saying he's a great husband but... and then getting a bit angry and talking myself down.

I'm furious but trying to be balanced to give a full story and I hate that I have to be the balanced one in every situation, his fault for being so contrary and mine for letting it go on.

Hate there is no edit function here but also just to point out that kids are a driving factor for him apparently but if not for him I'd have been just as content being childless as I would love any children I had so there is no pressure coming from me other than you said we'd do this, can we at some point do it please?

You need to start making your exit plan:

Do a course or training to increase your earning potential

Do not get pregnant

Look at house shares/ bedsits in the city

Do a budget of living costs

Photocopy all your documents plus your husband's - proof of earnings, bank statements, mortgage docs, savings & assets. They need to be stored safely and preferably away from the house.

Aim to leave by Christmas, read your paragraph back to yourself and would you expect your friend to stay if it was her? Your mental health will suffer and any children you have will be brought up in a toxic relationship.

Arg sorry I def do not plan on getting pregnant have told him that and all sexual activities long tapered off because I have no sex drive anymore.

I am mainly so mad at myself because I would and have strongly encouraged women to seek better for themselves in relationships and realise their own value and the value of what they bring to the table.
Yet here I am doing exactly the opposite of what I preach - Giant Raging Hypocrite right here ladies and gents!

Because he is self employed he earns a varying wage, and we have no joint finances.

I have no access to any information other than my own bank which has £0 and our marriage certificate which he kindly framed as a gesture 3 days ago

Phew that’s a long whinge. Didn’t want to read and run,.

My suggestion would be to find a nice lifestyle that suits you and live separately under the same roof.

Could you stay with family until you get sorted out? He does not have to agree to a divorce. You can leave.

Have you got family/friends you can move in with for the short term?

You may find yourself in a much better headspace when you are out of the situation with him. x

Would family take you in while you get on your feet? I wouldn't stay where you are, as it sounds crazy-making and bad for your mental health. Tough as it is, I'd recommend starting over from scratch ASAP.

You can move back to the country when you're self-sufficient in the future.

Get out, stay out and apply for a divorce in two years. Two years will give you time to make a completely different life for yourself. You might find that your stress related illnesses are more manageable.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

You can't live separately under the same roof. He's trying to sabotage your tidying efforts with his stuff. The joy of not having to negotiate his stuff is in itself a good enough reason to get rid of him.

So. You need to retrain. And aim to get rid of him by Christmas. And not get pregnant. What do you fancy doing?

I was in a worse scenario. My doctor said I was depressed because my living circumstances were rubbish. But I didn't have depression.

Packit

Sorry for singling you out here and I agree it was a very long "winge" so apologies, I tried to be as brief as possible.

No that would not work, I don't want a house mate or friend with benifits.

I signed up for a specific life (a low maintenance life not big on flashy material things, just cosy small home with a happy family and a few good friends and occasional overlaps of our hobby choices) with an equal partner which is what I was TOLD I was getting.

That's the point really we discussed during the early days how we wanted our lives to work and what we were looking for in a partner and apparently they matched up so we did the usual things you do over the course of our relationship, date, move in, get married etc etc

Only it turns out that what we mutually agreed we were both getting is not what I was getting at all and no matter how much he says he still wants the same things I do he doesn't act like it. I'm sorry if that does not come across clearly in my posts, I have not slept and am struggling a little.

To the others who have posted,

Yes I could stay with the one family member who would have space but they are just about making ends meet and whilst they would have me, right now I cannot pay my way.

I looked into what benefits I would be eligible for but it looks like I am not as my husband has savings over their threshold of £16,000 and I am unclear how even with our separate bank accounts and finances I would qualify whilst still married.

I understand I don't need his permission to divorce but it does speed the process considerably from what I gather from reading tonight and if I can't claim benefit because of his savings until we are divorced I could be looking at no money until I get a job which could take more time than family member could cover me for?

I really don't know. I know I need to go and speak to a solicitor and all that but I couldn't even pay them to write up a separation agreement if he didn't contest the divorce. He doesn't want one and thinks it's a mistake to go through with it so he will not seek divorce himself.

He has spent the night getting drunk because he is so sad but I feel like I have spent so much time trying to get him to acknowledge there is a problem that even if it's finally sunk in for him now it's too late and I don't feel very disposed to making him feel better right now.

You're not even on the tenancy agreement so that's even better, you're not legally responsible for the house. Walk out today and make a plan once you're safe.

A few things are coming to my mind

• you are off sick with depression. I suspect that depression is linked with living with someone who is constantly dragging you down. Even just the example of the mess he is creating and how he can destroy hours of work in 5 mins being back home is telling.

• I suspect what you have described isn’t quite the reality. So to come back to being tidy, you are the one who is untidy and he is the one who is house proud. But somehow he is also the one who creates a huge mess in 5 mins? Is the reality not more that he expects YOU to tidy a lot hence comments about how he likes to nice house etc... whilst expecting you to do the work and therefore it’s you who is very untidy?

• you can do all things you would advise people to do. You have 3 months (at least) in front of you. Use them. Stop waiting for him to change because he won’t. He doesn’t believe you will leave. He doesn’t believe he is doing anything wrong. In his world, everything is as he wanted it to be (and probably as he said he wanted it - even if it’s at the cost of YOUR life and YOUR expectations).

You need to move on, in your own head, and create the life you want. Think ahead. Wo the depression, what would you want to do? What sort of job? Where would yu like to live etc.... And then make a plan. A plan to find some work, and somewhere to live. You still have 3 months to make things happen. Because otherwise, what is the future going to be? Can you imagine yourself in that same relationship in 5 or 10 or 20 years time? With kids in the middle?

Speak to citizens advise about benefits - if you are living apart from DH then the rules about his savings maybe different.

If you do stay with family member in the city this is the time to get a seasonal job so you can pay your way.

I absolutely feel like I need to get out and stay out and that even if he weren't so clearly taking the proverbial with me now it's still untenable for me.

I have actively avoided getting pregnant throughout our relationship and am in control of my own birth control. As I say we haven't had sex in months anyway.

I also think my decline in mental health is situational, I have sought help but CBT not much use for me although the ADs are helping they cant fix the underlying problem and I refuse to keep upping my dosage to mask how I feel only so I can get back to work when I could do that by removing myself from the situation and healing a bit and then going back to work.

Ohio,

I really have no idea, I've never really settled on a career path. I've worked in bars and restaurants, office environments, shops from supermarket to gift shop, I was a cleaner once in a while although it's my most hated job and honestly I wouldn't pay me to clean - I do try but I never get things sparkly like some folk do.

I don't like to be in positions of authority and have no particular love for any of my prior jobs.
I used to really enjoy people but these days I'm just fed up with the general sense of more aggressive entitled and rude customers that although still the minority can make any day difficult.
As I get older and a bit grumpier I am also less happy in a group environment where there seems in my recent experience to always be infighting, nastiness and favouritism on the ground and corporate greed and inflexibility from on high in larger companies and in smaller no recourse for things that just wouldn't happen in a larger company.

I feel bitter and jaded a little tonight so please forgive my not very positive outlook.

I like thinking about stuff but have enjoyed an outdoor job working with animals too, although back pain from an old injury rules that out these days so not afraid of a bit of mud.

I don't think I'd be much truck at nursing or care work and to be frank I wouldn't fancy my chances at text book learning these days, I pick things up quickly by watching and doing but I have looked at practical apprenticeship type things I could do and there isn't anything available unless I completely uproot from the area I've always been on my lonesome and go across the country.

I can name a celebrity from a vague description sometimes but I'm guessing that won't be paying my bills any time soon.

I don't know, I could do a lot of things I guess but the problem is none that I know of I am passionate about enough to take in from books on an expensive course - I'd have better traction with learning hands on from an expensive course but what, where, which?

Too many options/not enough options due to my area and no real clue what I'd be most useful at.

Not helpful right?

Also have you got any items you could sell to cover say 1 month of living with a family member while you look for employment.

Re benefits, if you are separated, whatever savings he has will NOT be taken into account.
So have a look at benefits wo those savings, you will get something rather than nothing at all.

And just now, you do have money to go and see a solicitor. Between you and your DH, you DO have some money (and savings....). So use the fact you are still together and go and see a solicitor, which will be paid with the family money. It’s ok to do so.

And then as soon as you have left and are ‘officially ‘ separated, claim whatever benefits you can have

If you separate properly, his savings won't affect whether you can get benefits. You'd apply as a single person.

I have looked at practical apprenticeship type things I could do and there isn't anything available unless I completely uproot from the area I've always been on my lonesome and go across the country.

Uprooting isn't a bad thing. Presently you're stuck in a bit of a mess. A whole new start pursuing something new could be just what you need.

You seem to make continual excuses . You are not going to get what you wanted from this man so time to go .Your first post is your list for divorce on the basis of Unreasonable Beahviour.

Op, don't worry about what your 'passionate' about right now. You just need a job you can do to earn some cash and live. THEN you look for what you r 'passionate' about.

It sounds like you would be a great candidate for an apprenticeship of some kind. Look at the National Apprenticeships Service website.

Pick something male-dominated (transport? Engineering?) as the salaries are likely to be far better in the long run. Or train in something practical- bus driver?

I can't keep up thank you all for the responses!

As to the housework, it's maybe hard to explain but I'll try.

Generally in good times we are both equally untidy and our house has a "lived in" look of cosy clutter. We shared duties about the house equally with no arguments or discussions about who did what, we naturally gravitated to those jobs we liked/were better at and it seemed to work out quite nicely, everyone was relatively happy in that respect.

I tend to keep my clutter to more private areas, like my side of the bed for example or on the surface right next to me wherever I'm sitting.
His stuff migrates into the house from the shed and gradually gets shunted from pillar to post occasionally ending in a little pile where I've come across something little in my way that doesn't live there so "I'll just put it here in case he looks for it later way"

In the grand scheme of things it doesn't irritate me usually and he would never expect me to tidy after him or do all the cleaning myself (one of the good points about him) it just illustrated a point that even I think it's getting a little out of hand on his side that it took so little time to undo what progress I had made - it wasn't the whole house it was a single room sorry.

The bad side of this is that whist in some ways it sounds equal on house chores it fell to me due to closeness to the shops to do the shopping - happy enough to do as it was the most practical thing all round no worries.

However I would pay this out of my wages always not joint funds and since I have quit work for now and haven't had transport for roughly the same amount of time the shopping has defaulted to him by necessity.
In 5 months he's only done one big shop and we've been getting all our groceries from the corner shop up the road which is obviously far more expensive in the long run.

I pointed out when he was having his moan about no disposable money that if he went to a supermarket once a fortnight or even once a month and did a big shop we'd at least be a little better off but we still are getting a not very varied lot from the expensive little shop.

I am not eating much myself as my appetite is low due to my mood, i try my best but it's become a fuel rather than fun thing but he could be having a bit more than picky bits and pizzas for tea even if I'm not up to much myself.

To be fair he has always done most of the cooking and enjoys it but I have stopped looking after myself and my house duties as well as not being up to cooking a proper dinner when I'm not hungry for a big plate of stuff and something small at regular intervals would be better for me. I feel guilty for that and naturally it has built up some resentment on his part against me.

I’m going to be a bit blunt here but I think you need to take way more responsibility for the state of your life. I don’t see how you not having a career, money, purpose or much drive in life is your husbands fault.